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Author Topic: Urgent: BPD Wife Angry/Jealous of Facebook Post w/ School Friends and Ex-GF  (Read 728 times)
Inquisitive1
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« on: August 28, 2015, 12:25:27 PM »

I recently got together with a bunch of old friends from school out-of-town. There were about a dozen of us, including an Ex-girlfriend. I posted a picture of the group of us--including my Ex--from our recent reunion on FaceBook. And my BPDwife is enraged. Telling me not to come home unless I take it down. Later she adjusted that to me editing the post, un-tagging my Ex and mentioning her. I've agreed to do this, but it feels very uncomfortable to me.

When my BPDwife and I got married, the ex-girlfriend attended the wedding and that made my wife very mad. Looking back on that, I regret it.

Would love comments on how to deal with this and her jealousy in general. I've decided I'm not going to let her isolate me from my old friends anymore.
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Ceruleanblue
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« Reply #1 on: August 28, 2015, 12:38:06 PM »

Well, here is what I'd do. I'd untag the ex gf, and I'd edit my comment. That's just me though. I'd do what it took to make the person I'm with happy and comfortable. And ex gf coming to the wedding, would have been a big "no" to me too. My BPDh is no hugely jealous, but there have been instances, and I've just tried to reassure him.

I wouldn't let someone isolate me from friends, but I think hanging out with ex's needs to be handled with caution, and consideration of the current wife/gf's feelings.
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Inquisitive1
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« Reply #2 on: August 28, 2015, 12:57:44 PM »

I've already edited the post and untagged my ex, though you can see her name listed if you looked at the edit history.

Now wife is yelling at me to take the post down. There are 8-10 other friends who were tagged on the post and commented on it. This was part of a memory with a close-nit group of old school friends. It doesn't feel right to me to take it down. Especially now that she's blackmailing me with all sorts of threats. Her anger is totally out of control. I've gotten a half dozen angry calls from her in the last hour and it's taking all my time.

I hate to cave into that sort of anger. It's part of what puts a big wedge between my wife and my old group of friends.
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Notwendy
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« Reply #3 on: August 28, 2015, 01:09:33 PM »

My feeling is that context and intent would be taken into consideration. This wasn't a one on one meeting with your ex and there isn't a picture of the two of you.  Your ex is part of your group of school friends. You met as a group and there is a picture of the group. I also assume that the members of the group are all tagged, not just the ex.


If this is the case, then to untag your ex and mention your wife would seem pretty transparent. Your ex would know she was untagged and so would all your old friends see it. This to me would almost send a stranger message than just a "hey we all got together- here we are"

My H has gotten excessively jealous the few times I have gotten together with school friends, even in group situations.

I do consider my H's feelings and do not put myself in precarious situations. However, even if I don't, it doesn't alleviate his jealousy because he has even made up things to be jealous of- like if he sees me notice a good looking actor on TV or admire a singer. I used to feel very shameful when my H was angry about these things.

He is important to me, but not ever seeing old friends just because it makes him uncomfortable is changing because of his feelings- and doesn't change the feelings. I wouldn't deliberately hurt his feelings, but I can't walk on eggshells and worry about what he is going to make up.

My solution is to act according to my ethics. I don't cheat because I know I would feel bad about it and it would hurt my self esteem. This is the standard I take with me- on Facebook, with friends, and wherever I go. I have myself to answer to.
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Notwendy
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« Reply #4 on: August 28, 2015, 01:13:03 PM »

If nothing happened, then I would not cave.

My old friends live miles from me. I have seen them once or twice in decades. I held my grounds on this one. My H didn't like it, but these people were friends of mine, and I wanted to see them.

I could understand it if they lived near me and I was always getting together and not spending time with my H. This is not the case. My family is my #1 priority, and I spend almost all my time with them. Reunions are special occasions.
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« Reply #5 on: August 28, 2015, 04:00:54 PM »

Hi Inquisitive1,

BPD's have an EXTREME fear of abandonment as you probably already know whether this is real or perceived it's what they fear.  It seems that you've tried to explain yourself and the situation ... .on one hand it's your friends & you want to post it to show them you care & miss them. On the other hand, it would be easier to deal with if you just took it down. I tend to use the thought process, "What if the roles were reversed, how would I act, how would i feel, how would I behave?"  Reasonable man theory.

Well, if you take it down she'll rage against something else about it IMHO. BPDs need to have some structor in their life ... .need boundaries set for them. They might not like it at first very much like that 3 yr old toddler, but once it's in place, they know the consequences for going outside the boundaries and they'll test it not unlike your BPD.  If you want to keep it up, set up the boundary and explain to your BPD. If she rages against you about this then set a consequence for her raging, etc. Reassure her that you love her, you want to take her out for dinner, maybe flowers, a walk etc. You know her best and knows what works best for the carrot and or the stick. You have to stick to your boundary when she test you or she'll learn that you can be walked over and won't respect you.

J
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Fian
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« Reply #6 on: August 28, 2015, 04:39:03 PM »

Personally, I have chosen to allow my wife to determine whether I can associate with a person of the opposite sex.  I see it as part of the marriage vow of forsaking all others.  This is especially true for ex-girlfriends.
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« Reply #7 on: August 28, 2015, 05:17:29 PM »

I agree with Fian.

You already invited your ex to your wedding as an unwanted guest ( your wife didn't want her).

The issue isn't all of your friends. It's the ex girlfriend that you invited to your wedding, which was also your wife's wedding. You forced it on her at her expense.
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« Reply #8 on: August 28, 2015, 05:49:32 PM »

I can understand Fians point of view with regards to one on one socializing. However, this was a group reunion. To follow the wife's wishes would mean missing the group event and so not seeing any of the friends. How far should one take this ? Miss all school reunions because someone you dated years ago might be there?

Sometimes an ex is just that. Some exes may still share mutual friends, family and even children. How far does one go to avoid them?
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Daniell85
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« Reply #9 on: August 28, 2015, 05:56:39 PM »

He invited her to his wedding. It wasn't just his wedding. His wife didn't want her there. I wouldn't have either. So from his wife's view, in essence, he chose the comfort of his ex over the comfort of his wife.

She has likely been carrying that hurt and resentment since then. He already knew how she felt at the time of the wedding. He has known since the wedding.

So he goes off to visit with his friends. He already knew his wife was hurt, angry, and insecure. So he comes back and posts the photo already with the understanding his wife was hurt by what he did at the wedding. Instead of bypassing something that he actually didn't have to do, he chose to aggravate the situation by posting the photo as a big event, tagging everyone, and getting some validation from his friends and his ex what a great time they all had together.

It's not him hanging with his friends. It's about the hurt his wife legitimately feels over being forced to endure his ex at her wedding, then having to see him make a big deal over being at an event with "close" friends. His close EX girlfriend.

I would be really upset, too. Maybe I am BPD. Maybe his ex should be out of the picture on a permanent basis and the "close friend" card should never be played again when it comes to an ex.
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« Reply #10 on: August 28, 2015, 09:39:50 PM »

Daniell, while I understand what you're saying - that there's a precedent there for hurt on the part of the wife, with regards to the exgf - Inquisitive1 has been married for over 20 years. The wedding that the ex attended was not just a couple of years past. Inquisitive's relationship with the exgf was over and done with more than two decades ago. I feel that this makes a difference in the dynamic here.

Even my super-jealous and controlling father doesn't get upset when my mom socializes with old school friends, including exes. There's so much water under those bridges that it's an entirely different river by now.

That being said, yes, pwBPD have deep abandonment fears, and I can see where it could easily trigger your wife, Inquisitive. It's a tough spot to be in, and I'm sorry you're having to deal with all of the angry calls. You edited the post and untagged your exgf, which is what your wife asked you to do initially. You can't go back and un-trigger her. Now it's about your own boundaries and whether or not you will 'cave' to her anger. The truth is that she will probably be angry and jealous no matter what you do.

Personally, I'm with Notwendy and JQ - nothing untoward happened, you did what she asked initially, and now it's up to you to either set a boundary or take down the whole post. Validate her feelings, offer reassurance. Best of luck.  
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Daniell85
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« Reply #11 on: August 29, 2015, 12:25:26 AM »

tbh, I am not the person the OP is having to convince. Nor is anyone here. His wife feels how she feels. Everyone has valid feelings, even if other people don't feel the same way.

Possibly you have something long in your past that is still very painful to you. Most people do have something like that. Does the OP's wife get to decide for you that the event was so long ago that you are silly or are invalid in your feelings because you find them scary and painful and someone close to you who knows about the event does something NOW that is knowingly tapping into that pain?

The point I am making is the lady feels how she feels. This is a crisis moment.

I think if his wife made a practice of these sorts of things, then it is a problem and needs a strong boundary. He didn't say she had a problem with him being with his friends and such. She has a problem with him and his EX.

I don't feel time makes a difference at all to her.
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« Reply #12 on: August 29, 2015, 03:06:33 AM »

I never said that Inquisitive's wife's feelings were silly or invalid, simply that I feel that the long stretch of time between the two events changes the dynamic from what it might be otherwise. My point was less about his wife's feelings and more about his actions. To me, it makes a difference - he wasn't rubbing salt into a fresh wound, so to speak, or knowingly "aggravating" a situation. I think that a lot of people wouldn't expect an ex from 20+ years ago to upset and anger their spouse so much.

Yes, it did upset, hurt, and anger her, and Inquisitive has to deal with that now. She has every right to her feelings. He has every right to socialize with a group of old school friends and not want to capitulate to her anger. It's a difficult place to be, which is why I feel that validation and reassurance, along with boundaries, might be a good course of action. He already did what she requested initially, but she is moving the goalpost. It's impossible to keep up with that.
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« Reply #13 on: August 29, 2015, 05:12:02 AM »

I get what Danielle is saying, and if this incident is inflamed with past hurts, over the wedding, than this needs to be dealt with whether or not Inquisitive wants to remain in touch with his friends.


I also understand the idea that "he chose his friend over his wife's comfort" which is something important to consider. However,this can be a slippery slope with someone with BPD because if that becomes of primary importance, it will take constant sacrifice as their comfort is hard to maintain. For someone with BPD, their discomfort can be triggered by the slightest thing and it could take walking on eggshells.

The wife certainly focused on the ex being at the wedding, but again, it is context. A recent,  past romance where there is baggage could be uncomfortable. If he invited his school friends, because they are his friends, and it is old business - and they all moved on- may not be. Maybe it was a faux pas on his part, but over the years, a life together becomes much more than who was at the wedding.  

Regardless of who came to the wedding, the OP married her and is sharing his life with her. His school friends may get together once in a blue moon. Within these friends there may be more marriages among them, children, grandchildren  that they may enjoy hearing about in the future. How long should the OP avoid his friends because of the wedding? Does this demand that he never see them again?

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Daniell85
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« Reply #14 on: August 29, 2015, 07:41:04 AM »

I didn't see anything where she demanded he not see his friends. He implied she was making things difficult. Or at least he felt that way. Remember he may feel that way, even if that isn't the case.

She is clearly bothered by the social site post. It sounds like they have gone round and round on the ex GF issue. Old hurts are still hurts and they can be kept inflamed for years if there is frequent aggravation over them.

I am curious how the conflict began. Most people don't seem to make it over to this site until they are in crisis mode.

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« Reply #15 on: August 29, 2015, 07:54:36 AM »

I didn't see anything where she demanded he not see his friends. He implied she was making things difficult. Or at least he felt that way. Remember he may feel that way, even if that isn't the case.

She is clearly bothered by the social site post. It sounds like they have gone round and round on the ex GF issue. Old hurts are still hurts and they can be kept inflamed for years if there is frequent aggravation over them.

Don't forget, how many marriages are busted up by ex-gf's from 20 years ago appearing on Facebook?
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« Reply #16 on: August 29, 2015, 09:00:16 AM »

I think we all agree that a relationship with a person wBPD can involve a LOT of caretaking. I focus on differentiating between voluntarily deciding to be considerate of another person's sensitivities (a good thing) and feeling OBLIGATED to do so (a bad thing).

We all know how destructive F.ear O.bligation and G.uilt can be to healthy relating, and F.O.G. is pervasive in BPD relationships. A person wBPD is quick to try to make us feel responsible for their feelings, our constant challenge is to maintain boundaries against that.  Against feeling responsible for their reactions I mean.

We are responsible for our actions, not other people's reactions.  That doesn't give us license to antagonize them, overtly or covertly, just a reminder that we're all separate people, single travelers on this road of life, each ultimately responsible for our feelings, choices and outcomes.  While Inquisitive may decide to help his wife soothe her jealousy, I'd be reluctant to imply that he was obligated to do so.
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« Reply #17 on: August 29, 2015, 03:26:13 PM »

I know this isn't the wife's concern, but I wonder what the ex is thinking?

I know that if I were that ex, and showed up with the intention of attending a group reunion to see old friends- an nothing more- I'd be embarrassed if I thought the spouse was upset.

I would notice that of all the people tagged in that picture that I was untagged. I'm not sure what I would make of it, but I would think it was a bit odd.

I think it would be relevant to know if the ex has moved on, has her own relationship/family, or is single and making herself available to the OP. The ex may have no romantic interest in the OP or being a threat to their marriage.



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« Reply #18 on: August 29, 2015, 03:39:27 PM »

I am going to share my experience with an ex of my husband's. It is funny because I am not a jealous person. My husband hangs out with females all of the time as he is in a female dominated field. However, this one particular ex made my spidey senses tingle. I didn't care if he was in a group or one on one, this lady drove me nuts. For years, my husband didn't take my concerns seriously. I wasn't like that with any other lady. It was HER. She would post things on his FB page. At one point, he unfriended her and she sent ME a message about how she was upset with him. I asked her if there was something going on between them that I needed to know about because it seemed creepy for her to be so friendly with him after all of these years.

And, to top it off, whenever she would run into his family, she would act like she was part of their family and was a long lost friend. It creeped me out like you wouldn't believe. One time, we ran into her at an event in his home town and the two of them talked to each other like I wasn't even there. And when they did seem to acknowledge my presence, it felt like they were talking down to me. Here I was his wife and I felt like the third wheel.

I think it is important to look at the whole context of the situation. When my husband went back to his high school reunion, there were several females there. None of those females bothered me. She did. The reason that she bothered me so blasted much was that I had asked my husband to unfriend her in the past and he wouldn't. I had told him that she creeped me out. When his dad passed away, she showed up at the wake and acted like she was part of the family. It was like she still had a thing for him and my husband did NOTHING to help reassure me that there was nothing there. He would dismiss it as me being unreasonable. I didn't think I was being unreasonable. If she was truly an ex that he didn't have any feelings for, then he shouldn't have a problem unfriending her and limiting contact and making sure that I could trust that he wasn't sneaking around with her. She seemed like the type that would do something like that. And, my husband told stories of her doing that to him when they were dating 20 years ago.
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« Reply #19 on: August 29, 2015, 04:35:53 PM »

You make a good point about the behavior of your H's ex.

I would be creeped out by that too. I was. It wasn't an ex, but my H's coworker, who was making advances on him. This was not my imagination as he admitted to it, and other co-workers noticed that her behavior was inappropriate.

My H thought is was ridiculous that I was upset because he swears up and down that nothing happened on his part. Even if nothing happened it was pretty uncomfortable to know this woman was after my husband and would break up my family.

The reason I decided to attend my reunion was not because of this, but because I wanted to see my friends and I had no reason to believe that any inappropriate behavior would be going on, and it didn't.

But I get what you are saying because I know how it feels, and I would think it was creepy to be with an ex that did that, and I don't want to be that ex at a reunion either.

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MaybeSo
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« Reply #20 on: August 30, 2015, 08:06:07 PM »

Excerpt
I recently got together with a bunch of old friends from school out-of-town.

I am wondering if spouses were invited and if so, why your wife didn't attend?  

Did wife put up a fuss about this being something you did w/out her?  If not, that's a good sign that she can tolerate you doing things with friends w/out her.

Excerpt
There were about a dozen of us, including an Ex-girlfriend. I posted a picture of the group of us--including my Ex--from our recent reunion on FaceBook. And my BPDwife is enraged. Telling me not to come home unless I take it down. Later she adjusted that to me editing the post, un-tagging my Ex and mentioning her. I've agreed to do this, but it feels very uncomfortable to me.

When my BPDwife and I got married, the ex-girlfriend attended the wedding and that made my wife very mad. Looking back on that, I regret it.

Was there awareness or expectation on your part that this ex was going to be at this event?  Were you and wife able to discuss it beforehand?  

There is obviously 20 years of bad blood here.  This is unfortunate.  No opportunity in 20 years for these two women to get to know each other and bury the hatchet?  Is the ex-gf married and if she is, is there any opportunity for you two couples to get together so that things can get smoothed over?  What prompted the ex to attend your wedding if wife was unhappy about it?

Ex's sometimes do attend weddings, but usually it's when everyone is on board and friendly about it. If not, it would be weird, and potentially felt as hostile to show up at a wedding when the bride doesn't want you there.

Does your wife normally become this upset and/or jealous about all women?  Or is this woman in particular a sore spot?

You are not obligated to do anything.  It's always best that people draw conclusions about what is the best course of action based on their own values and principles, and not as a reaction against someone... .or out of fear, obligation or guilt.  

A person could easily live within the value system that would have led to a different approach here.  Not because someone is making them do something... .but some person's might in accordance with their own internal values have possibly chosen a different course here... .having maybe to do with valuing an absence of unnecessary drama, or a value of respect for their partner's past hurt etc., and that person might have handled this a bit differently.

Others could also easily live within in a value system that would dictate they shouldn't ever have to worry about such things and will hold tight to any activities or individuals they choose to engage with no matter what their partner's opinion or the history. This can be a value, too.  Though it sounds a bit rigid, and we have to always make sure we are choosing wisely and not just in reaction against our partners.

Still another person might have a more flexible and fluid sense about such values... .holding tight to an overarching value that embraces friends and activities, while still assessing and sometimes eschewing certain individuals or certain activities. This kind of person would never reject family, friends and activities that are beneficial and life enhancing out of fear obligation or guilt... .but at times may shun certain activities or certain people for their own reasons, some of which might be if there is a real history of pain there and/or if the person or activity in the long run doesn't offer much either quantitatively or qualitatively to one's life in exchange for the pain it might cause a loved one.

We have to be true to ourselves.  It is never healthy to isolate oneself or cut oneself off  from life b/c of FOG. When we refuse to make decisions from a place of FOG and hold strong to our own values... .at times this can cause pain for a loved one.  That doesn't mean we shouldn't hold our boundary.

And... .Just b/c we are holding tight to a boundary doesn't mean we are always in the right, either. Having to think hard about these things is what leads to internal growth and wisdom.   

In any event, we can always still strive to be kind and decent in the way we conduct ourselves.  Sometimes we have to hold strong to what we believe is an important boundary, and others often don't like it when we do that.  That's why boundaries are so tuff.  

It's a kindness, and the decent thing to do... .to refrain whenever possible from rubbing salt in an open wound.  A boundary is always defensive, not offensive.

Pick your battles wisely.
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Inquisitive1
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« Reply #21 on: August 30, 2015, 08:21:42 PM »

Well, I clearly touched on something which people felt passionate about. The posts were helpful.

Things have been going well for my W and I lately, so her very strong reaction to this came out of left field for me. Especially since her jealousy is baseless. The Ex is happily married to another school friend of mine (also pictured), the two of them have several kids and a great life. I hadn't seen or had contact with the Ex for a dozen years of more. Finally, I have not interest in the Ex. So, from my perspective my W's feelings are irrational.

I've never been the jealous type, so I really don't get that feeling and it is hard for me to validate it. This made the posts where people validated the jealousy helpful. Even though I totally do not get it, at least I can understand that's really her experience. The post about fear of abandonment really hit the nail on the head.

Talked to a co-worker of mine about it too. He counseled taking the picture down. He didn't see it as worth the battle to keep it up. So, I took it down. I texted my wife saying that I didn't understand why this made her so upset, but she was my top priority, so I took it down. She was very appreciative, and we've had a good weekend. I think it totally was fear of abandonment.

At the time of my original post I was feeling like I needed to set a boundary. But taking the post down was really worth it. I really don't care about the post, I care about being able to get together with old friends. My wife has been obstructionist to me getting together with these old friends, so that's the boundary I'll set, I'm going to see these folks once a year or so, and she'll have to deal with that. Avoiding posting pictures with my Ex in them is a small price to pay to make my wife happy and smooth the way for the bigger situation.

Thanks all.

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« Reply #22 on: August 30, 2015, 08:52:34 PM »

Thanks MaybeSo, very insightful post. I spent quite a while writing that last post, so decided to post it and respond to your post below.

I really like what you said about not reacting against your partner. To some degree that’s what I was doing. She pushed me very hard with several very angry calls in a row at an unexpected time—an almost overwhelming emotional assault. In order to not be overwhelmed, I had an equally strong counter-reaction. I can’t just agree to her emotional blackmail, but I’m still working on being able to think completely rationally in those situations. In this case, I came to the conclusion that post wasn’t as important as her happiness.

My wife was invited and chose not to attend but put up a fuss that I would go without her.  She initially indicated she planned to attend, but then put me off every time I tried to plan travel. Then when I said I was going to book travel one way or another she made a stink. In the past, this and my own hesitancy over booking travel has been enough to prevent me from acting. This is the boundary I will choose to enforce going forward.

My wife gets jealous easily. And since I’ve stuck with her through some pretty awful sh@t--never straying--her jealousy and jealous accusations seem very unfair and often makes me angry. Knowing her and her past, I think a lot of her jealousy comes from fear of abandonment, but that’s not how she expresses it at the moment. At the moment, it comes out as semi-ridiculous accusations which spur me to think she’s just being completely irrational. Re-framing it as fear of abandonment will be a helpful way for me gain a little empathy and provide a bit of soothing re-assurance.

Understanding that her emotion is very hard for her to control has really helped our relationship. I know she suffers a lot, the world is a scary place for her, especially because it is hard for her to keep her emotions in check. These sort of insights, gained on this forum, are so helpful.

Thanks all.

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« Reply #23 on: August 31, 2015, 08:40:28 AM »

I'm so glad everything worked out well for you, Inquisitive, and that the two of you had a good weekend. 

Understanding that her emotion is very hard for her to control has really helped our relationship. I know she suffers a lot, the world is a scary place for her, especially because it is hard for her to keep her emotions in check.

You have a lot of empathy, understanding, compassion, and love for your wife. It's wonderful that you've been able to improve the relationship by understanding where she's coming from and reframe problems by looking at them from her POV.
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Notwendy
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« Reply #24 on: August 31, 2015, 05:39:41 PM »

Inquisitive, I do commend you for your compassion for your wife's difficulty to control her emotions.

I think this thread resonates with people because we have all dealt with jealousy to some extent. I understand how it doesn't seem entirely possible to not have contact with an ex if they are part of a group- and if they have married a friend. My friends from school are somewhat like that too. We all knew each other, each other's parents, friends, siblings, and at some point some of us did date in our friend group. Like may  relationships between very young people, a break up happens, but for the most part, this group has remained friendly and many years have passed since then.

Maybeso has a point about including spouses. In our group we have not only done that, but also kids. Some of the kids have met each other now. I remember attending my H's high school reunion. It was awkward because I didn't know anyone there, but I tried to get to know people. The girl who had broken his heart in high school was there. I didn't mind that he wanted to catch up with her. She was someone important to him as a teen, but they have both grown up.

I recall that some of the spouses just jumped in and fit into the group. It seems like these are the happiest couples too- perhaps they are just secure enough to do that. I think it is important to include spouses and families- we want to meet them and the kids.

Like Inquisitive, I have hardly seen my school friends in decades, and while I don't have plans to see them regularly, I would like to keep up with events in their lives, like their kids's graduations, weddings and all the things to celebrate in the future. Some of us have lost parents over time too, which is sad. My H, my family is #1 to me, but it is nice to keep up with lifelong friends too.

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Inquisitive1
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« Reply #25 on: September 01, 2015, 11:22:29 AM »

I invited and will continue to invite her to these events. To be honest, I'm not totally psyched about that for a couple of reasons:

1) Managing her BPD-related insecurities can subtract from the fun.

2) When I'm solo, I'm free to do as I please whether that's go for a hike, which she rarely wants to do, or have a drink, which I've mostly quit to be supportive of her sobriety.

Having said that. It's been many years since she's hung out with these people. They don't drink like they used to, some don't drink at all, and it might go better than I'm thinking if she went.
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Notwendy
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« Reply #26 on: September 01, 2015, 12:28:08 PM »

It is difficult to decide to include our spouses or go without them. I can't decide whether seeing the real situation is better. In many ways it is, because it sort of helps with imaginations, but then too much is made out of normal encounters.

I had not seen my old friends in decades, literally, but it so happened that my H and I were travelling to a place where one of them lived- a guy who was like a brother to me growing up and we wanted to get the families together. There was no romance between us, ever. He thought of me like a sister. Naturally, we were happy to see each other after so many years. I was so excited to meet his wife for the first time and see his kids. This was misinterpreted by my H and resulted in rage episodes in the car and the hotel later. I was actually scared to be in the car with him as he was driving recklessly and yelling. Eventually I lost it too. What was happy, and completely innocent on my part, turned out to be traumatic later on.

Another time, my H was invited but could not attend, and I went to a family style school reunion with some of my kids and other family members, and yes some ex was there with his wife and kids and so were a lot of other people with their families. What actually happened was that the women- wives and friends all hung out talking, the guys were talking and the kids were hanging out. It was really a good time for all- until I got home and faced my H's upset and accusations. Later on he did come and meet these friends. It did settle him down a bit but he still says things about them that are not true.

I don't have plans to see any of these people again, but I hope I get the chance to. It would be easier on me to go by myself, but it may result in difficulty with my H later.  I don't like that it is hard on my H, but I have accommodated his discomfort to the point that we are practically social recluses. I was not always this way. I had friends once- people who were just that- friends, and  I enjoyed their company. It doesn't make sense to have to stay away from anyone I used to know.

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Inquisitive1
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« Reply #27 on: November 13, 2015, 12:37:05 PM »

I apologize for resurrecting this Franken-thread, but I wanted to report back that although things did go better after I removed the picture, and I'm still happy with that decision, there have been a few other episodes on this topic. During one of those episodes my wife forbade me from going to any re-union with the Ex. I didn't argue the point at that time, b/c who knows if that will ever happen. But I do plan to travel up there and meet with friends again when I get the chance.

Good post Notwendy, this issue of becoming isolated is one I'd like to explore a little more. I too have very few friends now and rarely do anything social. She never wants to have people over or go out. After you do that for a while, people stop inviting you to do things.   I want to reconnect with people and make new friendships.

It'd be good to try to find something she and i can do together... .

Edit: I wish there was a way to edit the title of this thread and remove "urgent".
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flourdust
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« Reply #28 on: November 13, 2015, 02:35:04 PM »

I apologize if I'm hijacking your thread. I'm curious about this topic. I've seen quite a bit posted about pwBPD being irrationally jealous of their partners' friendships or contacts with others. Several people here have posted about their pwBPDs constantly accusing them of affairs, usually on the thinnest of pretexts.

This hasn't been part of my experience at all. My wife even urges me to spend more time with my friends (I'm pretty much an introvert, so although I like time with friends, I don't initiate it as often as I should). She's never expressed jealousy of my female friends, and I even have a few ex-girlfriends in my friends list on Facebook. Is this unusual?
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Inquisitive1
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« Reply #29 on: November 13, 2015, 02:48:50 PM »

flourdust, It's hard to know if it's unusual, because I'm not aware of good statistics on the proportion of BPD spouses that have jealousy problems. From where I sit with a very jealous dBPDw, you are lucky to not have to deal with that aspect of BPD.
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