Learned behaviors from BM showing up in SS15

[PinkieV]

Hi all,

It's been a quiet summer for us.  After SS15's last ":)H paid for" trip over Memorial Day weekend, BM never contacted DH to set up summer visitation.  It was the start of her paying for half the travel (we live two states away) and she'd have his younger half sister ask when he was coming, saying "mom says to come any time".  He'd tell her that BM needed to set it up with DH, and that was the end of that.  SS15 was more than happy not to go.

SS19 moved in with us in July, and while SS15 has been happy to have his brother living with him again, I thinking he was imagining a different scenario.  Growing up with BM (who withheld them from DH for 10+ years), they stayed home (to babysit little sister, and basically be under BM's control), played video games, ate junk, and ignored any chores they might have to do.  It was an idyllic life if you're a tween or teen boy, except for all the BPD junk from BM, culminating in multiples arrests and a felony conviction.

DH got custody two years ago, and SS19 blossomed, working out, getting a job, dating, and then enlisting in the reserves.  We decided he could stay with family and finish high school where he had grown up.  After he left the reserves, he sort of lost steam, so we offered to have him come live with us and enroll in the local JC.  He's back in high gear, going to school, taken up hiking and camping, and going to NZ in December with his cousin.

SS15 has had a bit of difficulty with the transition.  He quit doing chores and would not work out - DH's requirements for electronics.  They were taken away over a month ago, and until the last week, he really didn't do much about it.  When we last went to family counseling, we told him he knew what he needed to do to get those privileges back, but he admits he's lazy, and he doesn't do it.

Last Friday the boys were at the beach with my DS25 - a regular hang out they've been doing all summer.  SS15 suddenly got very pissy and quiet, and wouldn't tell them what was wrong.  We found out later he'd asked them if they knew when he'd get his electronics back.  My DS25 said he needed to do his chores - the right way - and SS19 told him he needed to work out.  Basically, they called him out for half-a%#ing it, at best.

SS15 threatened to leave him there, and DS25 tried to talk to him.  When he had had everybody's full attention for a while, he snapped out of it and was his regular chatty self on the way home.  The older boys were disgusted with his behavior.  This had happened with SS15 once before over the summer when SS15 wouldn't go work out.  That time, he laid down on his floor and would not speak.

Okay, sorry for the long intro, but here's where we're at right now.  I read an article this morning about someone using silent treatment as a form of emotional abuse.  The light bulb went on, and I realized this behavior had probably come from BM, who swings between witch and waif so fast your head will spin.  I try not to blame his behavior on her too much, but I think in this case he's not even thinking about what he is doing.  DH e-mailed the counselor this morning so she would have a heads up at his appointment tomorrow.

But what I'd like some help with is giving the older boys tools to deal with this.  He really looks up to them, and if they can gently guide him out of this, it will stick much faster than talking about it with his counselor, DH, and me.  Does anyone have any suggestions?

[Nope]

I think it sounds like pissy 15 year old boy behavior. Absolutely no cause for alarm. At that age kids are still trying to see what works and with whom. It's just part of figuring themselves out.

My suggestion for getting the behavior to stop is to ignore it and have his siblings ignore it. If acting the right way gets him attention and acting the wrong way gets him ignored he'll do what gets him the payoff.

[livednlearned]

He probably doesn't have the skills -- maybe in part because of BM, and maybe because he's 15.

When S14 acts weird like his dad, I verbalize what I see: "You're slumped over in the car not talking, and your face looks sad. It looks like you're having a hard time about something. When you feel ready to talk, I'm here to listen." And then I pretty much ignore him, although not in a mean way. More so that I don't feel like he's holding me hostage.

If S14 needs time to bring himself around, which he does seems to need, that's ok. I understand that his emotions work more slowly than mine. I don't let him treat me badly, though. I try to give him a chance to say how he feels, and if he intentionally tries to shut me out, I point out that he seems to need more time and then I go do something else.

Sometimes, if I'm really on my game, I'll spend some more time spelling out what's going on (ie. his feelings and why he's hurt): "It sucks to not have electronics, and to feel like you can't do what you want. No one likes that. I love you, and I love this family, and we have these rules that everyone follows because they work."

I also tend to end things in a lecture.  

I'm starting to think, though, that S14 actually listens, even if he doesn't show it.

"I know what's coming up in adulthood -- what it takes to get by, and it would be awful if you became an adult and no one explained how things work. I also know you can do the chores you're supposed to do, I have confidence in you. You might not want to do them, but I know you can easily do them."

I've had to change my habits and slip in positive feedback where possible with S14 because he seems to work best when he hears something positive for everything negative he hears.  

[PinkieV]

Thank you both for responding!  Yes Nope, I agree it's mostly pissy teenage boy, which he definitely is right now.  And yes, Lnl, I have told the boys to ignore it.  I hate to put them into any "parenting" position with him, but it seems the lessons take a little better when it comes from them.  And they all spend time together.

This weekend we all went for a hike, and in the middle of a conversation, he interjects to ask my son whether he thinks they'll write any Star Wars books.  My son tried to guide the conversation back to the original topic, and I declared "no video game talk when we're in nature".  He got pissy and said "it's a book" and we all just ignored him and hiked on.  So he's seeing the behavior coming from the parents and backed up by the brothers, and hopefully he will catch on.  He has social anxiety, is very bright but still pretty immature, so he doesn't learn this stuff from friends.  Or his friends do the same thing!

I'll be interested to hear his counselor's take on it as well.  We went to family counseling with SS19, who told her about the first episode, so hopefully she was able to talk to SS15 this last weekend about why he thought he was doing that.  He is very introspective, which helps a lot.