Why is the diagnosis a secret?

[Brighter Days]

I realize this is long, but I'm new to this and would appreciate any insight anyone has for me.  It's difficult to find people I can talk to, not many understand the life I've been living or the situation I'm now facing.  Realistically, I know that my marriage is over.  However, I am frustrated by the fact that I have a spouse who is almost being encouraged to live in a fantasy world where he sees himself as the victim.  I want my husband to at least try to get healthy so he can parent his children.  He sees himself as a great dad, but unfortunately, that's not reality.

I have been married for 16 years.  We dated for two years and during that time my future husband treated me quite well.  We had some issues but worked through them and got married and life started off pretty good.  We always had little arguments here and there, but I assumed that was normal.  However as time went on, my husband had difficulty keeping jobs, would spend a lot of money, was impulsive, self-centered and had trouble controlling his anger.  He had been diagnosed as a child with ADHD, so I assumed his issues were all part of the ADHD package.  Life went on like this for about 14 years.  There was no physical abuse or drug or alcohol abuse.

However these past two years have been very difficult.  He lost his job and sunk into a depression.  I carried on as best I could working, taking care of our kids, and basically assuming responsibility for everything.  Three months ago he ended up in the psych ward for a almost a month because he was suicidal.  Upon being released from the hospital, my husband told me he believed it was me who caused his depression and sucked the joy out of his life, preventing him from being successful.  Not surprisingly, a month ago, he made the decision to leave me and our kids to find "joy and success".

He is now leading a very self absorbed life and seems quite content.  He's unemployed, living on a line of credit, has hired a personal trainer to get him into shape, a maid to clean his apartment (because I am no longer around to do it for him), and continues to spend money he does not have.  (I'm hoping that I'm off the hook for these expenditures, since they are in his name only and we are separated.)

A few weeks ago when I spoke to my husband's psychiatrist, he told me he believes my husband suffers from a personality disorder and that unfortunately, it is very difficult to treat because it's so ingrained.  So I know what my husband's diagnosis is, but my husband is unaware that he has any issues and clearly sees me as the cause of all his problems.  I'm not sure why the patient doesn't get to know the secret diagnosis.

At this time, so that our interactions don't turn negative I'm just playing along, but it's bothering me that he is walking around informing everyone that I am the one responsible for everything.  (Doesn't help that he is a smooth talker and appears competent.)  After being separated from me for one month, he is already looking online, etc. for someone new.  He wants to find someone who will love him for who he is.  Good luck with that... .

Even my kids know something is different about their dad.  My youngest child one day said that ":)addy was acting normal for daddy, but not normal like other people."  Is BPD such a devastating diagnosis, that it's better to not let the person know there's anything wrong with them?

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Rapt Reader]

Hello, Brighter Days &

I know it really doesn't seem fair that you have a good idea of just what your Husband's/Ex's troubles are, but need to not explain his probably disorder to him in order to keep the peace... .It's true that it stinks that he seems to be "allowed" to blame his troubles on you, without taking the responsibility for his own problematic behaviors. We've all been there 

One thing you will find if you check out the links to the right-hand side of this page--The Lessons and Working on a "BPD" Relationship--and the Feature Articles linked to under the 4 photos at the top of the threads, is that getting an understanding on how your SO's mind works and learning how to better communicate with him will actually help ease the tensions... .

Whether you continue on to divorce, or end up reconciling with him, anything that you learn that can make things better, will help you and your peace of mind, and help your children's well-being also. How old are they? How are they doing? I know that this is really hard for you, and sometimes it can be overwhelming to feel like you are the only "adult in the room" in this relationship with your SO... .

There is always the chance that he will learn something about himself while he is separated from you, and if you spend this time reading all you can on this site, and learning how to communicate with him in ways that don't push every one of his BPD buttons, things could really get so much better for your relationship with him. I'm so happy you found us, and want you to know that we really want to help 

[AVR1962]

14 years, wow, you deserve a trophy! Have you heard, or know anything, about narcissism? BPD and narcissism are both cluster B disorders and if you can understand narcissism I think it helps in understanding the Borderline, at least it has helped me. Both project which means they cannot own their own behavior, they have to blame their actions on someone else. The best way to deal with a BP or N ex spouse is to have noting to do with them as they will turn your world upside down. You mentioned children, be very careful!

I was married 7 years to my first husband who lied, didn't want to work, was a complete sex addict, a cheat and wanted everything new... .new cars, new clothes, nice things. He would run up a debt with no intentions to pay the bill and had no sense of remorse or wrong doing. He would write a bad check for a meal knowing he had no money in the account.

He would have times where he would go along fine, held a job for a few months and I would think he was finally getting it but then he would collapse into what appeared to be a depression... .high and low. We married in 1979, so I had no idea of all these mental disorders. Looking back and see the highs and lows were more than likely bipolar which many times accompanies BPD. I worked to support my family and ended up hiring a babysitter for our children while he made claims of looking for work when actually he was trying to find his next lover.

He was a very smooth talker, extremely manipulative and for the longest time I was the puppet on the strings. I was caught up in his world and as long s I was his support and I didn't know the truth he was good to be with me. I caught him with his lady friend and once caught he then decided he wanted out of the marriage. He tried to keep me holding on, told me he loved us both and asked me to wait til the affair was over... .crazy! He was playing us both at this point.

Ex then started telling friends and family that I had an affair, that I had lived with a man while we were married, that I had been doing drugs, that I was abusive, he went as far to say I tried to kill one of our children. I could not believe my ears and could not believe this man who I thought had loved me would do any of this. Little by little his lies unfolded and I learned I lived my marriage being lied to thinking I was being told the truth and supporting my husband. The littlest of things too that were senseless to lie about.

His gf did no want to have anything to do with our children so he told me that he would not ask for visitation and then left the state with her and made no contact for 2 years. He cheated on her, they broke up and he started calling but by this time I could see all the lies before my eyes and there was no way I was going to get sucked back into that world. He ended up remarrying, cheated on her, wouldn't work, ran up debt, didn't pay child support, they divorced. 28 years now after our divorce he is now with another lady he has already cheated on.

While my good friends that knew me well did not fall for the stories my ex told, we had 2 children that he started in on. My oldest favored her father and complimented his personality, she was quite distraught when he left, she was 6. He started telling the kids lies and this has been terribly damaging, coming from their father who they love and the man who abandoned them, so there is fear of losing him again. With my oldest who had started blaming me when her dad left all of this fit perfectly together for her and she hopped on the daddy support wagon.

From the time my ex left my daughter started acting out, crazy things like all the stories on this board. She was diagnosed with BPD when she was 18. She is now 34, and has caused so much damage just like her father and I am to blame for it all. She too cannot look at her own actions, she too uses people and is very manipulative.

You ask why is it a secret? What I have learned thru counseling is that a counselor, especially today, refrains from labeling but tries to help and support instead. I have had some that actually did label and others, more recently, who have said they felt the labels were more damaging.

I wish you much luck with the divorce process. Realize he has issues hat he will more than likely never come face to face with. These women will be used to try and make him feel good about himself. Be prepared to have him play you against them or your children, I hope he doesn't but it is possible. Do not play along. No contact is best, disappear, get away with your children if you can and get your kids and yourself help so they and you understand more about BPD. Tell him nothing.

[babyducks]

Hi Brighter Days,

I am sorry you are going through such a very difficult time.  I do understand how incredibly frustrating and painful it is to be painted as the Bad Guy who made some one else's life he!,  when the reality was/is you were darn near killing yourself trying to do the best you could.   I've been there a little bit.   Not to the degree you are but a little bit.

And yes what makes it worse it the incredible victim stance that gets spread all over.       The thing is if you end up picking up that argument and debating it with him, or responding in any way,   you end up pouring gas on his fire.   And things escalate.   I know from experience.     If you engage at all he is going to keep pushing responsibility for his stuff over onto you.   And that's counter productive.   If you say a word about his diagnosis he will have the opportunity to "prove" you wrong and likely go to incredibly lengths to do that.   At least that is how it worked with me.   

There is a reluctance to use a BPD diagnosis among some in the community because there is a stigma attached to it.   Sometimes insurance companies balk at paying, and sometimes other mental health patients look down on BPD patients. 

Rapt Reader was spot on when she said as you read more on this site you will find a wealth of information here.   You will also find a lot of people who have been through similar situations and who are working at healing and making the best possible choices for today.

Welcome.  Browse around.   Find a thread, series of posts that look interesting to you, and join the conversation.

'ducks

[Cat Familiar]

Brighter Days,

I'm so sorry you are in this situation.   

Your husband sounds a bit like my first husband, living on a line of credit and spending money he doesn't have. Make sure you have no legal obligation for his debts. I got stuck paying off a joint credit account that he said he'd closed.

AVR1962, I think we were married to the same man! 

It's really hard when the person you committed your life to goes around trashing your reputation to the world at large. But give people credit; they may well see that he's not who he pretends to be.

[thisagain]

Welcome! You'll find a lot of great support here.

I'd suggest asking the legal board about the debt obligations. Unless there's a written separation agreement, sometimes the parties to a divorce don't agree on the date of separation, and that can affect the distribution of the debts and assets.

[ColdEthyl]

Hello and welcome!

Rapt Reader has it right... .the lessons here help. The thing we gotta look at is that WE are the healthy ones and more capable of change. Does that suck? You bet. But, since I've been on this site my marriage has improved leaps and bounds. The key for us was communication, and the tips here help with that.

It helps me to think about it like a filter my husband has over his eyes. He sees everything through this "BPD filter" so data-in gets skewed leading to data-out being skewed. It's takes some time to learn the hows and whys of how their brains work. Why can't you tell him? He will deny and buck every step of the way. It can't me HIS fault... .if it's HIS fault he's broken and doesn't deserve life or love. That's how they think. My husband DOES know, but that's because he was diagnosed before I met him... .though he lied to me about it in the beginning. Even though he knows it... .I don't mention BPD often. He gets upset, feels bad that he's so 'complicated and screwed up'. Their core beliefs about who and what they are is warped into a nasty, negative thing. Everything they do and say is trying to not be the nasty,negative thing they think they are.

[AVR1962]

Brighter Days,

I'm so sorry you are in this situation.   

Your husband sounds a bit like my first husband, living on a line of credit and spending money he doesn't have. Make sure you have no legal obligation for his debts. I got stuck paying off a joint credit account that he said he'd closed.

AVR1962, I think we were married to the same man! 

It's really hard when the person you committed your life to goes around trashing your reputation to the world at large. But give people credit; they may well see that he's not who he pretends to be.

CatFamiliar, I am so thankful for all the therapy I have had to make it this far. It has so helped me to make it thru all this. Having an undiagnosed BPD exspouse who did everything in his might to destroy me after the divorce and dealing with a BPD daughter, it has been 28 years of pure H***! These people are very cunning. Yes, many of my friends did come to me later with stories and told me that they knew I did not do the things my ex had claimed. I also had to learn it didn't matter what others believed and I did not have to explain my situation. I also had to learn that everyone had a choice and if they chose to believe this awful stories there was noting I could do about it. I had to know in myself who I was and let the rest go. I have not spoke to my ex in 10 years and I find it is the only way to have peace.

[Brighter Days]

Thank you so much to everyone for sharing your advice and life experiences.  It's so hard going through this but knowing others have had to walk this same path makes it more bearable.  My kids are so sad about what has happened and I am struggling to make sense of it and stay strong for them.  Thanks for pointing me in the right direction to find the resources and support that I will need.