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rarsweet
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« on: August 30, 2015, 08:37:15 PM »

So haven't posted in a while. 3 months ago ex and I reached an agreement with our now 13 month old baby. He gets every Thursday morning through Sunday morning. Yup he  hasn't been on time once to pick her up. I mean like hours late. Since he is still jobless he doesn't see any need to get up that early. I will admit he is within 15 minutes of being on time to drop her off. One Thursday I had to bring daughter into work with me. I waitress. I carried her around doing the set up for an hour until he showed up. Luckily my boss is cool. So he had been living with his dear old dad since our break up last September. Well in July the landlord told them they had 2 months to get out. Haven't been paying their bills or rent. So dear old dad and ex are fighting now, ex wants dad to have nothing t do with daughter. Dear old dad moves into a tiny one bedroom apartment and ex has squatted in their trailer for a month. Landlord shut off the power so now he has been scrambling to get his stuff out. A few weeks ago ex told me to keep daughter all the time since he was going to be homeless. Said he wished he just had a tent to live in. Ex has been taking daughter about 20 hours a week during my working hours. Last Saturday he was supposed to have her while I worked, but my mom had to watch her. So I tell him today that I am moving. I have been looking for a bigger place for about 6 months. Finally found a place in my older kids school district. yay! You guessed it. He wants me to let him stay with us. Over my dead body. He has been jobless for 2 years. I have had an amazing past year. I have a 4.0 gpa after being out of school for 14 years,(full time college course load), just had my 4 year anniversary at work, still nursing my baby, managed to save money even with no child support and no help, little baby girl is speaking in 3 word sentences at 13 months old and as outgoing and happy as can be. So now I may have to reopen our parenting case if he pushes me to let him have his overnights because he is pissed that I won't let him mooch. Ugh. He hasn't even changed his address with the court because he has none. His plan is to spend some days at an aunt's in the next state, some at a friend's here, some in his truck, some God knows where.
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Panda39
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« Reply #1 on: August 30, 2015, 09:26:58 PM »

So haven't posted in a while. 3 months ago ex and I reached an agreement with our now 13 month old baby. He gets every Thursday morning through Sunday morning. Yup he  hasn't been on time once to pick her up. I mean like hours late. Since he is still jobless he doesn't see any need to get up that early. I will admit he is within 15 minutes of being on time to drop her off. One Thursday I had to bring daughter into work with me. I waitress. I carried her around doing the set up for an hour until he showed up. Luckily my boss is cool. So he had been living with his dear old dad since our break up last September. Well in July the landlord told them they had 2 months to get out. Haven't been paying their bills or rent. So dear old dad and ex are fighting now, ex wants dad to have nothing t do with daughter. Dear old dad moves into a tiny one bedroom apartment and ex has squatted in their trailer for a month. Landlord shut off the power so now he has been scrambling to get his stuff out. A few weeks ago ex told me to keep daughter all the time since he was going to be homeless. Said he wished he just had a tent to live in. Ex has been taking daughter about 20 hours a week during my working hours. Last Saturday he was supposed to have her while I worked, but my mom had to watch her. So I tell him today that I am moving. I have been looking for a bigger place for about 6 months. Finally found a place in my older kids school district. yay! You guessed it. He wants me to let him stay with us. Over my dead body. He has been jobless for 2 years. I have had an amazing past year. I have a 4.0 gpa after being out of school for 14 years,(full time college course load), just had my 4 year anniversary at work, still nursing my baby, managed to save money even with no child support and no help, little baby girl is speaking in 3 word sentences at 13 months old and as outgoing and happy as can be. So now I may have to reopen our parenting case if he pushes me to let him have his overnights because he is pissed that I won't let him mooch. Ugh. He hasn't even changed his address with the court because he has none. His plan is to spend some days at an aunt's in the next state, some at a friend's here, some in his truck, some God knows where.

rarsweet,

I just wanted to say... .YOU GO GIRL!  As one single mom to another kudos to you and all you are doing for your children it isn't anywhere close to easy in the best of circumstances but having a homeless ex on top of it 

My SO's uBPDxw has been living in hotels for the last year and a half after being evicted for the third time so I know how much more difficult this makes things are for you and your daughter.  My SO also had his ex ask if she could move in with him... .NOT!

Your ex is in no position to have your daughter over night until his situation stabilizes, so unfortunately you're probably right if he pushes for it you might need to go to court.

Take care (you and the kids)

Panda39
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« Reply #2 on: September 02, 2015, 12:59:27 AM »

Ugh, trying to waitress without reliable child care? You are amazing with all you do. Keep it up! And good for you for not being sucked into ex's neediness, although I know it must be hard. He can work his way out of a jam if he wants. For now, keep your baby.
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« Reply #3 on: September 03, 2015, 11:58:23 PM »

Rarsweet, way to go with all of your accomplishments.  You are an inspiration to me, and I imagine many other single parents who are trying to piece their life together after Hurricane Ex.

I can't imagine how someone who doesn't have a home can have overnights with their 13 month old.  If you don't have an attorney, can you get some free legal advice, e.g. a consultation or a legal clinic?
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rarsweet
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« Reply #4 on: September 12, 2015, 10:35:25 PM »

As of the middle of August ex hasn't had daughter for longer than my work hours. I broke down and offered for him to have time with daughter at my home while I am at work. My mom is able to babysit for me during the day but not at night. So ex has been coming 3 nights a week for about 6 hours at a time. It has gotten a little weird. Last week as ex was leaving when I got out of work he came back in and said he found broken glass outside my door. I went down and looked and my glass on my backdoor was smashed. I had just gone in the door 20 minutes before. He started asking if I wanted him to stay to be safe. I have a crazy x husband too. I said I would be fine. Have ended up sleeping with a knife on my bedside table. I just think he busted it on his way out to make me worried enough to let him stay. I live on the second floor in an old solid house, really no way for me to hear anything happening at the bottom backdoor. He still hasn't done anything about changing his address, since he doesn't have one. Since the broken glass last week he keeps asking how I fell, if I feel safe, if I want him to stay. I keep saying no I'm fine. I have had my ex husband do crap like this for the last 6 years so really it could have been either one of them. The thing that makes me think is that he says he opened the door and stepped on the glass yet he didn't notice that it was the glass n the door he opened that was smashed? Doesn't make since. But that night when my coworker dropped me off in my driveway I heard someone call my name twice from outside. I spun around and no one was there. As I turned to just go in I heard it again. It definitely wasn't ex calling my name since he was inside my place with daughter. I haven't filed anything with the court as I am just trying to keep the peace. But it is getting annoying. He is seriously at my home 3 nights a week eating my food, not paying for anything not even a diaper. He wants to hang around and chat when I get home from work. It's usually 9pm or later. I need to get daughter to bed and get on my schoolwork. I have about 3 hours a night to do. Then he gives me sob stories about sleeping in his truck next to the river. Asks me if he can keep his drinks in my fridge overnight. Ya, then he has an excuse to come over to get them. This morning I saw his dad drive by my new place really slow at 8am. I live way out of the way for his dad. It's my new place. He isn't talking to his dad or letting him see daughter since they got evicted from his trailer. He shouldn't even know where I live now, yet he was there. Just getting really annoyed. My landlords, who live below me, have been on vacation. I haven't even told them abut the broken door yet. I am really considering just going ahead and filing to modify the parenting plan. Yet I first have to find childcare for the nights I work. And I worry what kind of time the judge would actually give ex. Would the judge give him any time with daughter? He would just sit in his truck for hours with her if I didn't let him come here.
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rarsweet
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« Reply #5 on: September 12, 2015, 10:39:26 PM »

Panda, what kind of time does so's ex have with their kids if she is homeless?
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« Reply #6 on: September 13, 2015, 12:56:03 AM »

Thanks for the update. It sounds like you are doing great, despite. I worked in a restaurant for 5 years, including waiting,.and it's tough work. Good for you that you've been doing school successfully too! And good for your boss. I can't imagine setting tables and doing kitchen prep with a baby!
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Panda39
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« Reply #7 on: September 13, 2015, 01:14:41 AM »

Hi rarsweet,

Currently, D19 is NC with her mom and D14 is very low contact with her mom.  They both have chosen to live with their dad full time because of their mother's instability and lies.

But to answer your question mom has never been "on the street" homeless, but has lived with a neighbor for a short time, lived with her sister a few months, lived with friends for a few months and has lived in hotels for the last year and a half.  The kids would see their mother only during the day when she lived with the neighbor (the neighbor had issues of her own so dad would not allow them to sped the night).  When uBPDmom was staying with her sister one daughter had to share a bed with her and one slept on the floor when they spent the night on weekends.  When she stayed with friends one daughter was on the floor and another on a couch.  At the hotels one daughter sharing her bed and the other in the other bed. 

Obviously, none of this was ideal (sharing the bed with uBPDmom I find disturbing for a tween & teen) but they were not on the street or in danger (except for the problematic neighbor) so everyone tried to continue the visitation as scheduled. 

So I guess focus on the safety of your daughter and act accordingly would be my advice.

I know you want your ex to see his daughter and your daughter to see her dad but be careful it sounds like he's trying to weedle his way back into your house... .or has half way    Maybe talk with a lawyer about what they have seen in the past with this type of situation what do they suggest? Keep those boundaries up with the ex you don't want to end up back at square one.

Take Care,

Panda39

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rarsweet
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« Reply #8 on: September 13, 2015, 07:57:20 AM »

Laugh out loud (click to insert in post) I vacuumed the restaurant with daughter on one hip. My mom babysat the other day for 2 hours because ex said he was busy until then. He ended up showing up 45 minutes late to let my mom get to her work. Now he is asking if he can come over today(my day off) to use my internet to lok fr jobs. Ya right.
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rarsweet
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« Reply #9 on: September 15, 2015, 09:40:54 PM »

My laptop came down with a virus this morning, the alarm said a third party accessed my computer. My prepaid card for my school books is missing. Borrowed a friend's game camera today. Setting it up inside tomorrow. I think my boundaries have t be reset. Took daughter for a walk yesterday. Ex had texted me asking if he could come over to use my wifi. I said no I was busy and the guy actually was coming down my road as I was walking with daughter. He pulled over and asked if I was coming with him. I said no I am busy. I am just creeped out.
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« Reply #10 on: September 15, 2015, 10:31:52 PM »

You think he broke into your home?
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rarsweet
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« Reply #11 on: September 16, 2015, 06:53:17 AM »

I have been letting him watch daughter at my home while I work since he has no where to take her.
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« Reply #12 on: September 16, 2015, 11:16:43 PM »

Someone broke glass out in a door to the residence.  (Was the glass inside the door or broken to the outside?  If toward the outside then it had to be him.)  He's in your home eating your food.  Clearly he got on your computer and got it infected with a virus.  (Have you checked for new apps or spyware added, reviewed the history and pages in the browsers?)

Conclusion: He is worming his way back into your life.  Now he's trying to wear you down and let him move in.  Definitely time to reset your boundaries.  Don't let him make you feel sorry for him.  He is a leech, a loser and a user, so says Dr Joe Carver.  However, I'm not sure what the answer is if you can't find someone other than him to babysit.

But you need to secure your computer.  Besides risky browsing, he could be monitoring your usage by adding spyware, he could read your emails and other accounts, he could delete your schoolwork, he could just make himself more at home, etc.
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rarsweet
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« Reply #13 on: September 19, 2015, 10:44:41 PM »

Well tonight I had enough. My landlord told me earlier they didn't want him here, they are scared. After I got out of work it took him an hour and a half to leave. After he left I texted him and told him my landlords don't want him here and that I didn't feel confortable as I thought he broke my door. Now he is threatening that if he can't come here he will find my landlords and give them a piece of his mind when he can and tells me he will not be kept from his daughter and he was framed for the door. Now I'm scared.
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« Reply #14 on: September 20, 2015, 12:14:47 AM »

If something's harsh enough to scare your landlord, it sounds bad. Did he try to break down the door? Do you have a safety plan? It would help to call a local DV resource for options. An initial call would be anonymous, so it's not setting anything in motion just yet.
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« Reply #15 on: September 20, 2015, 12:58:59 AM »

rarsweet, I'm so sorry you're having to deal with this type of behavior from him.   It's understandable that you would feel scared.

I agree with Turkish - if it's scaring your landlord, it sounds bad. I would also encourage you to contact a local domestic violence resource.

I've done a lot of work with DV resources, so I wanted to let you know what to expect if you call. It will be anonymous unless you feel comfortable offering more information, and even if you give your info, it still doesn't mean that anything would be set in motion unless you want it to be. The decisions are always left to the person calling. You'll be provided with information, resources, and possible options for your specific situation. They can help you formulate a safety plan, they can get you in touch with specialized legal advice, they can coordinate police intervention if requested.

It's scary to face situations like this on your own. Luckily, there are people who can help.

Take care of yourself and your daughter. You deserve a life free of fear. 
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rarsweet
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« Reply #16 on: September 20, 2015, 07:36:42 AM »

It was a screen door, the top half is screen, the bottom glass. The glass was broken, looks like someone just smashed a hole in the center of the glass. It's like an external door. I live on the second floor. You go to my porch, then through the broken door, then an entryway, then my stairs, then another door into my apartment. It wasn't like someone was trying to get in, you can't actually get into my apartment by just that door, just someone smashed the door for no reason.
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« Reply #17 on: September 20, 2015, 10:50:55 AM »

Is it too late to call and make a police report?
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rarsweet
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« Reply #18 on: September 20, 2015, 11:29:41 AM »

I was afraid to do a police report, I had just moved into my new apartment 9 days beforehand. My landlords, who live on the 1st floor, were on vacation. I didn't want police there right after I moved in. I did get witnesses to see the door and take pics. The story ex gave just doesn't make any sense. He had been at my home watching daughter. I got home at 9pm or so. As I got out of my coworker's car I heard someone say my name outside. I didn't see anyone so I kept walking. Then I heard it again. Noone there. I went into the backyard, up my porch, throught that door, and went inside. Ex was inside with daughter. I started nursing her and he asked if he could stay a few hours. I said no it's late I have schoolwork to do. He went out to bring his bag out to his truck. He came back in and said " I moved the glass out of the way, what did you do? step around it?" I said what glass. He said there is glass outside the door, he said he stepped on it when he went out. I went downstairs with a knife and saw the glass pushed to the side of the door and then noticed the bottom half of the door was smashed. Ex started basically saying I may not be safe, he should stay to make sure nothing else happened. I did let him stay on the couch that night. My mother had babysat for me earlier that day. She had said ex was 45 minutes late getting daughter so she could go to work.She said she had started walking with daughter in her stroller to my work when ex stopped and picked them up and gave my mom a ride to work. Well when the glass was broken ex said my mom must have missed it earlier because she had put the stroller back on my front porch not my back porch, she wouldn't have noticed it. Well I asked my mom what the heck did she do with the stroller since ex picked her up walking with it. She said ex put it in his truck and she went to work. So my mom didn't even put the stroller away obviously. Then there was big pieces of glass to the side f the door, if he stepped n it he would have shattered them. I certainly wouldn't have missed them when I came home and went through that exact door. Then the next day my mom and I found shards of glass about 6 feet away to the side of the door. There were absolutely no shards, even minute, in front of the door. Whoever broke the door held it open and smashed it so all the glass went to the side, like behind the door, on the outside. I think he just wanted me scared to be alone so he could stay. The next night as he went to leave when I got home he grabbed his gun off my kitchen shelf right next to my door. First I don't want guns in my house, second if he was afraid someone would break in the gun next to the door is stupid, an intruder would be between him and the gun. He hasn't asked me if anything else has happened since. He just kept asking if I wanted him to stay. He knows I usually walk home at night and he hasn't said anything about me not being safe walking. If someone wanted to get me they would do it when I was walking not at my home with neighbors and my landlords. Then after I got the computer virus( I didn't tell ex) he keeps texting like 6 times a day asking me how my schoolwork is going. Like he is fishing for me to complain about the virus. This morning he texted that I am an amazing person and he will always love me. I am boggled right now. He asked when is the next time he can see me. I am now just ignoring his texts and calls.
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« Reply #19 on: September 20, 2015, 11:59:26 PM »

How are things, rarsweet?

If I recall correctly, you don't have a custody stipulation in place, right?

The story of the broken glass sounds sketchy. Aside from what you said, that your landlords also expressed concern concerns me as well.
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« Reply #20 on: September 21, 2015, 10:03:42 AM »

He's been maneuvering himself back into your life and home.  Your home, wherever it is, should be yours.  The "ours" concept is in the past except for the parenting exchanges.  Just because you share a child does not mean that he can schmooze himself back into your life.  You have to find and fund other care arrangements.  For example, if in court you say you're afraid of him then the court will see that you've been granting him extra access with your child - in your home! - and will question how you can be afraid of him if he's been invited in.  Going forward you need a consistent policy:  Separate lives.  Yes, child care and his parenting time are difficult right now but you need someone other than him (or at least elsewhere) for child sitting.
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« Reply #21 on: September 21, 2015, 10:16:19 AM »

I am filing an ex parte motion and motion to modify tday. He is demanding I give him daughter Thursday morning for the weekend as our current order states. S now I go back to court.
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« Reply #22 on: September 24, 2015, 10:25:43 PM »

Good luck! What happened?
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