How you can not get trapped into the argument and the constant justification of myse

[Trapped07]

This is the first time I've been on this site and first time posting anything.  I've read several posts and am new the realization of having a SOA with BPD.  I'm been to therapy only a few times which is where the suggestion was made to me that my partner may have BPD.  I've read several things on the Internet and they have all made perfect sense and explain his actions to almost a T. 

My immediate question (and I am planning to go get additional therapy for myself) is how do you avoid the arguing?  I feel as tho I'm constantly defending myself, my feelings and who I am to him and he's constantly telling me that I'm the problem and the cause of all the arguments.  I swear I don't even understand what I've done and what the argument is about.  It's like a vicious circle we go in and the same argument has been going on for years.  All triggered by some outside factor that happens to him.  It always end up in him telling me how it's my fault and I don't care and I'd I did I would change or make the effort to care.  I don't even understand where he is coming from.  It's so draining listening to the constant complaining, constant issues with everyone that he has and constantly being in what I call crisis mode.  It just seems like he could care less about my feelings or anything about me because everything has to be about him and what he's going through.  I know I need help and I'm trying to convince him there is a serious problem here.  Of course he always thinks it's me.  Over time you start believing that.  I'm so worn out mentally that some times I do want to run and hide because I just can't handle arguing and demeaning attitude anymore. 

I'm just wondering how you can not get trapped into the argument and the constant justification of myself?  I've seriously been trying and it just seems to end up making the situation worse because I'm his mind I don't care.  I've tried staying positive, I've tried to tell him I'm sorry your upset and I understand, I've tried telling him how I care about him but it just ends up in an all out war with him accusing me of not caring.  He takes whatever I say and twists it into something negative and then throws it in my face over and over.  I don't even understand where he comes up with the stuff he does but he's convinced I'm just this horrible person.  Then a day later he can't live without me... .Until something else triggers another crisis. 

I'm so confused most of the time and just so miserable because I can't make him happy and he is always in crisis mode and doesn't even have time to consider my happiness.

Feeling so trapped.  Just trying to understand.

Thanks for reading.

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[Trapped07]

Hi I'm new to site but the more I read the more I realize I'm at least not alone in this world.

I've been in a relationship for many years with someone I just always though "over reacted" to things and always saw things negatively.  I truly do love this man and don't want to abandon him.  A few years ago I convinced him to go to therapy but he would only go with me.  So we went together and it ended up being a horrible experience for him because this person doesn't know him (as he says) and he didn't feel like he would understand how the world is against him.  I continued to go a few more times and it was then that this mental health specialist suggested that he has BPD.  Since then I have been doing a lot of research and it's like reading the story of or lives most of the time.

I've tried to get him to read articles on BPD and suggest there may be a problem but it always come back to he thinks I'm blaming him for all our issues.  I just don't know how to handle getting him help without another knock out drag out argument.  Im losing patience with the constant misery, constant arguing (90% of the time I don't even know what the argument is about), and the constant living in crisis mode.

It's like I don't exist anymore in this relationship because I can't share my feelings with him or he thinks that all I'm doing is telling him he's a POS.  I walk on eggshells and have to watch what I say or who I talk with because he constantly thinks the worst of me.  IF I try to communicate he doesn't listen to what I say as he hears only what he wants to which and turns everything into a negative about how I've abandoned him.  I get accused of so many things that I don't even understand how he can come up with these things.  I don't even know what I'm in trouble for.  Either way there a no win situation and I feel like every argument is like a Never ending circle ... .Same argument, same outcome... .Nothing changes.  I'm constantly to blame for anything that happens to him regardless of who did it.  Somehow it always comes back to me not caring or not doing something about it. 

For years all I've told him I wanted was to make him happy, feel loved and feel important to him.  Now I'm coming to believe that none of those things are even possible.  I'm losing patience ... .And I know I'm not the same person.  It may come across like I don't care anymore but I really do, I just can't handle the misery and arguing.  I feel like  just wasting my life here waiting to be happy, waiting for him to be happy and it's never going to happen.  I don't want to give up on him and in reading material on this subject is helping me understand and im truly trying to learn how not to fight back and fee like I'm always justifying myself and who I am.  It's hard not to want to "correct him" in his thinking but I know I'm never going to win.

I'm going to find a therapist in my area that specializes in BPD and hopefully help me learn how to take control on my happiness back and also get help with how to approach him to understand he needs help.

Just wondering how others have had success with getting their significant other to understand that it may not be their fault and there is a problem.

Again I appreciate reading everyone's posts and learning new things.  I truly thought I was alone in this world and you begin to think that maybe everything was your fault. 

Thanks for taking the time to read...

[an0ught]

For years all I've told him I wanted was to make him happy, feel loved and feel important to him.  Now I'm coming to believe that none of those things are even possible.  I'm losing patience ... .And I know I'm not the same person.  It may come across like I don't care anymore but I really do, I just can't handle the misery and arguing.  I feel like  just wasting my life here waiting to be happy, waiting for him to be happy and it's never going to happen.  I don't want to give up on him and in reading material on this subject is helping me understand and im truly trying to learn how not to fight back and fee like I'm always justifying myself and who I am.  It's hard not to want to "correct him" in his thinking but I know I'm never going to win.

it is noble to help others but in case of a pwBPD it will stretch you to your limits with little to show for  . There is no solution for us to make a pwBPD happy. The good news however is that this is not our job either. Getting a good understanding of the two key skills on the board - validation and boundaries - will help you to better navigate the - what you believe is insolvable - dilemma of loving a pwBPD.

One way I look my relationship is energy. There is only a limited amount I have and a good part and protected part of it is these days allocated to myself. I'm happier this way. And my wife befits often of having a stronger and happier (sometimes now having to hide the happy side - you understand that better once you understand invalidation) person around.

a0

[momtara]

Well, that's common, and it's really hard to avoid an argument. BPD is a blaming disease. If you defend yourself, you just continue the argument. If you say nothing, then you're "ignoring" them. You have to be a genius to out-manipulate the manipulators. Our couples therapist said I should go into a diff room if he started an argument, and he should let me - but he didn't stick to that.

[Daniell85]

The BPD person doesn't care about your explanations. They are the upset party. The more you talk (JADE) the more upset they can get. Sometimes it is a matter of stepping away or letting them alone a bit in order for them to self soothe.

Validation helps a lot. You literally have to skip over the part where they validate you. At the point the upset is taking place, it wont happen.

My boyfriend rarely validates me. And absolutely never when it has to do with him... .he likes to use my misfortunes as teaching lessons to validate himself. I learned not to make myself vulnerable to him as a result.

[JohnLove]

Not being vulnerable to the person we love means we cannot have true love because in order to open your heart and it's sensitivity to your partner MEANS being vulnerable in itself.

Everyone reading needs to consider the implications of this.

[babyducks]

Hi Trapped07

My immediate question (and I am planning to go get additional therapy for myself) is how do you avoid the arguing? 

You are caught in a circular argument.    Your person with BPD will not willingly leave the argument because they are getting something out of it.   A place to dump all their harmfully intense painful emotions.

Try taking a look at this link:

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=118892.0

In this thread one of the members said this:

Validate often.

Repeat your validation.

Listen for the emotions behind what the pwBPD is saying.

Validation shows concern and caring and will bring you closer.

There is a time and a place for validation, and it isn't while you are being raged upon or screamed at. Validation comes often and early in a dialogue. Once abuse begins to fly then it is time to step out of the argument and allow time to lower emotions.

Validation is a skill that takes practice and time.   You can find a lot more about validation in the lessons in the box on the right hand side of the screen.

I am glad you found this site.   Make yourself at home and join us.   



'ducks

[waverider]

You are attempting to sell your reality to someone who has no interest in buying, only the act of bartering itself . You will never arrive at a compromise.

Circular arguments occur because you are attempting to arrive at an acceptable agreed resolution. In other words you want your version of events validated.

COMMUNICATION: How to stop circular arguments

[FigureIt]

What about when the validation doesn't work. I've tried and used validation, now my uBPDbf uses it back at me. Claiming I'm wrong for making statements like "I'm sorry you feel that way" or "what I said wasn't ment to be hurtful, etc"

I feel myuBPDbf is a bully. He complains how he's not having he needs met. He can't even acknowledge me by saying hello and/or how are you when I ask that of him. Then if he turns to we should "break up" which is good with me, he then threatens to "destroy me".

I don't take his threats seriously, but this "Love me or Else!" Has just pushed me away and caused the love I once did have for him to be gone.

[MaroonLiquid]

What about when the validation doesn't work. I've tried and used validation, now my uBPDbf uses it back at me. Claiming I'm wrong for making statements like "I'm sorry you feel that way" or "what I said wasn't ment to be hurtful, etc"

I feel myuBPDbf is a bully. He complains how he's not having he needs met. He can't even acknowledge me by saying hello and/or how are you when I ask that of him. Then if he turns to we should "break up" which is good with me, he then threatens to "destroy me".

I don't take his threats seriously, but this "Love me or Else!" Has just pushed me away and caused the love I once did have for him to be gone.

if validation isn't working, walk away and let them know you will not discuss it anymore until "things" calm down.  Boundaries are the first step to setting a healthier environment.  It takes time, and sometimes it gets worse before it gets better (extinction bursts trying to see if your boundary will stick).  It is hard at first because it is uncomfortable.  You almost feel  guilty.  DON'T!  It takes time to get to a place where you are almost bullet proof.  Don't be too hard on yourself.  You are human and will mess up at times.  I have come to a place where I refuse to argue and it has made things so much better.  I don't allow myself to be raged at anymore.  My wife has learned through repeated boundary enforcement that she can't get away with it anymore. 

[waverider]

You cant fix everything, if things seem to be getting out of control, then disengage and even leave if necessary.