Miserable and crying...

[Depression = 72% of members]

I am so upset... .I feel like I've spent the last 9 months hurt, angry and lonely as he just went off with someone else instantly... .After years of being mistreated and dealing with him spending all our money having to have the best of everything- he acts like he is so happy having nothing! It just boggles my brain and I'm tired of feeling lonely that I'll never be happy with someone again!

[Herodias]

I am so upset... .I feel like I've spent the last 9 months hurt, angry and lonely as he just went off with someone else instantly... .After years of being mistreated and dealing with him spending all our money having to have the best of everything- he acts like he is so happy having nothing! It just boggles my brain and I'm tired of feeling lonely that I'll never be happy with someone again!

[Pretty Woman]

Herodias,

   He is NOT happy. I repeat... .he is NOT happy.

It is a facade he is putting up. He's never been happy. At his core he hates himself more than you can ever imagine hating ones self. He feels immense guilt for how he treated you and has thrown himself into something new to self-soothe. He can't be alone. He does not possess a true identity.

This is a SURVIVAL tactic for the BPD. This is not love and happiness. He's been doing this since he was a child.

I know how you feel and I have my moments too. I keep sharing this story because I was fortunate to meet exes of my ex. It's the same flippin playbook just another person! I can tell you this for certain as I know first-hand.

All we are are items to them. Things. They don't regard us the same as we did them. It's so hard to wrap our heads around but seriously, dear one... .

You are able to give and receive love... .he is not. He has no idea what love is.

Remember this... .you replaced someone who went through this same garbage. You probably heard awful stories about them, or he would tell you how great she was, how she was "the one that got away" just to manufacture chaos in your relationship and create jealous behavior.

The exes of my ex are pretty screwed up. I've met three and they all have problems, myself included. A common denominator: poor self esteem/image. She preys on the overweight and unattractive.

Ironically I lost 80lbs this year and she thought I was going to leave her. To be honest, I had started contemplating it. She had dumped me so much I was pretty sick of it and the weight loss actually opened up interest around me from others. Luckily I am attractive... .that I already had going for me but my weight really weighed me down (no pun intended) and I did settle for less than I deserved because I didn't think I was worth more.

Herodias, what you are going through is normal. You are greiving something that existed for you... .but it only existed for you and you alone. 

When you feel sad put on some holiday music. I know that sounds crazy but how can you be sad listening to Jingle Bells Start putting your energy into YOU. He has taken enough of your energy and you have control over YOU.

It's ok to cry and feel sad. I will tell you... .it gets better. Spend time with others and not too much time alone. That really helped me.

PW

[Herodias]

Thank you for that Pretty Woman... .Congratulations on the weight loss! I'm down 21, I think the new gf got them, she seems to have gotten bigger really fast! My sister thought she was pregnant- she's still drinking with him- so not sure. Anyway- he always told me in the  past he wasn't happy- I don't know what prompted this time to say he's happy. I just don't get the money thing either. I guess he has to convince himself he's happy this way since he chose it and thought he'd be happier without me! He actually said she's cheap! I said you can say that again! I'm not interested in eating pizza or hamburger every night. Apparently she doesn't mind... .

[Pretty Woman]

Blue,

   The first time/s my ex left I'd drop weight from stress. This time I had gastric surgery. I am just grateful she waited five months after to drop me. I am anemic and having a hard time regulating my vitamins. Omg. This would have been worse if during surgery since my recovery was slow and not normal.

My gf left me for a 350 lb woman with all very heavy friends... .like 400 pound plus. I am not against heavy ppl I was one but a part of me hopes my ex gains a ton of weight. I know that's horrible but yeah. I want to look like I walked off the pages of a catalog if I ever run into them. Lol.

[SGraham]

Yeah i lost ten pounds in about 3 weeks leading up to my b/u. Doesn't sound like much but when you are a small nineteen year old male... .It's a big deal and not in a good way. Anyways, blue, im sorry to hear that you are struggling so. I would like to second PW's message, that no matter how they seem outwardly, on the inside they are practically dying. I know my ex personally thinks she is absolute trash (thats actually something she called herself once). It's really a shame because they will push anyone away who tries to show them otherwise.

Best wishes,

SG

[twanda2020]

Blue - I am in the same boat. I must have cried 4 or 5 times today. I just don't understand how they can move on so fast and just seem to not feel a damn thing about leaving someone they supposedly loved in the dust. I know I don't know for sure what my ex is going through or feeling. I try to remember that. It is hard when, in my case, my heart feels like it has been shattered into a million pieces. I am slowly putting it back together, piece by piece. Some days are much better I also try to remember that when I am feeling down and out about things. Not everyday is a bad day. I also try to remind myself how I may be grieving, but all the stress and tip toeing around things is gone. That is a huge thing. Our hearts will mend and we will find love again, but this time we will be stronger and smarter about it!

I think I am also feeling extra sad because our anniversary is in a few days. :'(

Just know you are not alone! Try and stay strong!

 

[lovenature]

Hi Herodias, a pwBPD feels such a lack of sense of self and core shame that they can not have someone get too close, the more you love them and try and show them you won't abandon them, the more they fear you will leave them once you get too close; inevitably they leave, or you realize it will not change and leave.

The sad truth is a pwBPD cares only about themselves, their emotional immaturity doesn't allow them to feel empathy for their partners, their words and actions are about getting what they want. They base their reality on their emotions, we know of the many lies they tell, they are based on what ever the pwBPD feels at the time with no regard of how it will affect them or others; they will not truly accept responsibility for hurting others because the pain is too great for them. In your case; he may have wanted lots of material things, and when that didn't make him feel better about himself, he chose less material and someone else, and when that doesn't work he will change again. Remember it is not you, it is the disorder and the cycle will continue, these relationships can never be healthy and reciprocal unless the pwBPD goes through years of therapy.

Hang in there, know you are a good person for the love and understanding you gave him while being treated the way you were in return .

[Suzn]

Blue, I'm sorry you're hurting right now. Break ups are hard and painful.  

After years of being mistreated and dealing with him spending all our money

I'm tired of feeling lonely that I'll never be happy with someone again!

Look at these two statements. What do you see?

I spent some time with a friend last week, a friend that knows my exBPDgf. I guess it wasn't long ago that he had had a confrontation with her. Her current gf had come to him and asked what she should do about her. He told her to leave her. Flat out. He didn't even need to hear all the details, he's known her for years and has seen how she has treated her partners. My ex didn't like that he gave her current gf this advice, came looking for him and verbally attacked him.

I broke up with my ex 5 years ago, this was the first I'd heard anything in several years. Nothing has changed for her. It's sad really.

The bottom line is I wasn't happy in my relationship, a lot of really scary things happened. I stayed because in my mind it was the family I never had and I thought I could somehow fix it. (I didn't know that at the time) I thought if I controlled the environment... as in keep her occupied and away from friends who were bad influences, demand she not drink or use drugs, or help her out of her last financial disaster, help her see her kids more by hiding the fact that she was an alcoholic and a drug user from her ex husband, hide the fact that she totaled 3 cars in the last 6 months of our relationship, the list goes on and on... .all would be well. That she would somehow see that I was trying to help her and would stop her out of control behaviors. She is disordered and I was codependent, I had no skills to handle what all had been going on.

Why did you stay?

[Herodias]

Suzn, my story sounds like yours with everything you said happened and how you helped... .Lots of cars,  drugs, alcohol- I did the same thing and felt the same way. I stayed for financial reasons which was dumb because I'm better off- I did love him but I didn't know about all the women. That changed everything for me. It's shocking to me that this new gf has a cop roommate and a therapist best friend and they haven't figured him out yet! He must really be enjoying the manipulation with them! I'm glad I'm out just sad I was so used for so long.

[Suzn]

It gets better. 

It's shocking to me that this new gf has a cop roommate and a therapist best friend and they haven't figured him out yet!

I read your other thread about your email exchange. Please keep what you said here above in mind with any further conversations with him. Especially ones in writing. Try hard to keep your cool. If you remain the "in control" one he can't use anything against you to further any manipulation. Make sense?

The cop roommate will likely be the one to see his behavior in time since he/she is in the home environment and could be witness to anything that happens. Police officers are trained to see odd behaviors, no guarantees of course.

[Pretty Woman]

Blue,

  My ex dated a renowned prison psychologist (this is verified) as well as a Homicide Detective.

Both these women knew each other. The detective dumped her. She told me the woman had issues to work out... .

I bet we know WHO the issue was... .

They lasted six months. To this date she still talks about this woman's dog fondly... .his pic still on her Facebook.

The psychologist is STILL friends with her. They lasted close to a year. Keep in mind some psychologists are BPD themselves and have a slew of issues. Not all obviously but some. This woman owned homes all over the place and according to my ex, was loaded and wanted her to be a kept woman and have a baby with her.

When I met my ex she told me she had a restraining order on this psychologist and that the woman was a sex addict.

I find out weeks later they are still talking and then months later I find out when my ex met me this woman had just sold her home and was moving here.

So that makes me the a hole replacement who displaced this woman. I had no idea. Eventually I apologized to this woman. She said it was no big deal, but added "but thank you".

They are just liars. Liars, cheats and thieves. I wonder sometimes if the psychologist took interest in her because of all the ill people she deals with in prison. Maybe she thought she could help her before she ended up in prison herself.

I feel a little better knowing if a prison psychologist that works with murderers and a Homicide Detective couldn't make it work with her, I, a Marketing Analyst really had no chance.

[Herodias]

Suzn thanks for the tip- you are right... .I have tried to be careful to mention things he wouldn't want anyone to know in my conversations but he could edit them. I will try to be no contact the best I can now. Pretty woman- it's wild that she went with those people, it really makes me wonder if they like the challenge of those people... .Can they fool them... Thanks for the input to both of you... .

[Suzn]

I have tried to be careful to mention things he wouldn't want anyone to know in my conversations but he could edit them.

If you lose your cool there is no need for him to edit. Your divorce is not final yet correct? A therapist and a police officer would probably be the worst two witnesses to have against you in any court proceeding. NC is good however refusing to be cooperative can also be seen as a negative mark against you in court. He offered to meet with you to work things out at the bank in your other thread right? That's cooperative. Being cooperative doesn't mean to always give in rather it's being receptive to working on solutions. This can be really difficult when we are being triggered by an ex but it's doable.

This police officer is not emotionally involved with your ex like his new gf is. Point being even though he/she is a roommate the police officer is still on the outside looking in. If you give reasons for a police officer to be focused on you instead of being focused on your ex's behaviors that officer could miss red flags in your ex's behavior. This of course is assuming your ex is sharing his struggles with you with these people. (painting you black) You don't want to assume he's doing this either, just be cautious to protect yourself.

it's wild that she went with those people, it really makes me wonder if they like the challenge of those people... .Can they fool them.

A word of caution here too... he doesn't think like you do. This would be how you think. If you knew your behaviors were something to hide you would want to try to fool people, right?  He likely sees no problems with his behaviors in the past, if he is BPD or npd he is not self aware, he has disordered thinking. This will not go unnoticed forever, pwBPD have life long pervasive behaviors. We can get caught up in reacting to things our ex's do or say where we think we know what they are thinking. Make sense?

It's hard to step back an evaluate emotionally charged situations when we are still emotionally attached and hurting. We've all been there.  

[Herodias]

OK, thanks... .it is so confusing. He did say he would meet me at the bank, but then took it back a min. later and said he wouldn't do anything. The problem is, I really don't want to be responsible for an open bank account with him in the future. It could be risky when he goes off on tangents. The divorce can happen in Jan., but the decree is final now. I do not want to appear to be giving him a hard time, though, you are correct. That could make me in contempt I suppose... .even though he was the one who showed up at my home drunk and threw up and peed in my bed about 3 weeks ago I guess. Telling me he wanted me back and to move home. Then the next day acted like he didn't mean it. It's so crazy... .He lies on top of lies and I don't know what to believe. But now he is posting his love for her on Facebook, so I suppose that's that. I just keep telling myself that he said all that to me too... .also, she said all that Love-bombing stuff on FB about her husband less than a year ago, so I do not let any of it upset me. None of it means a thing apparently to those people. I am trying not to look anymore. You are correct that some of it is being noticed, because he did tell me she questions why he does some things that he does... .

[Suzn]

I really don't want to be responsible for an open bank account with him in the future. It could be risky when he goes off on tangents.

I don't blame you, joint accounts can leave us being held responsible for charges if the account is ever over-drawn. If he has a history with over spending this could indeed be a problem in the future. Our financial status is our responsibility, unless there is a court order requiring you to keep your name on this account, why is your name still on it if you fear it's risky? I can see this may make things easy for him however who will pay the price if his history repeats?

even though he was the one who showed up at my home drunk and threw up and peed in my bed about 3 weeks ago. Telling me he wanted me back and to move home. Then the next day acted like he didn't mean it. It's so crazy... .He lies on top of lies and I don't know what to believe.

I'm really sorry this happened to you three weeks ago Blue. Seeing someone in this state leaves one with a helpless feeling, or I should say that's how I felt. Been there.    Unfortunately, I generally ended up feeling sorry for my ex the next day and gave in for the most part of my r/s. This kept her from any consequences which in turn kept her from seeing her choices had consequences, which likely played a role in her not reaching out for the help she desperately needed. To this day... .other people are playing the role I did so she has yet to face any real consequences. Her parents also keep bailing her out. The cycle continues for her.

But now he is posting his love for her on Facebook, so I suppose that's that. I just keep telling myself that he said all that to me too... .also, she said all that Love-bombing stuff on FB about her husband less than a year ago, so I do not let any of it upset me. None of it means a thing apparently to those people. I am trying not to look anymore. You are correct that some of it is being noticed, because he did tell me she questions why he does some things that he does... .

Are you leaving your future up to what someone else chooses to do? What would you like your life to like? This is your life, you get to chose. As hard as it is, bringing your focus to you and what you want can help tremendously. We undoubtedly play a role in these relationships, figuring out our roles helps us not get into future dysfunctional relationships.

It's good to remind yourself that you have seen the cycles. The cycles won't change unless he sees there's a problem in his life and seeks help. You can't fix this for him, this existed long before you came into his life.

Have you considered working with a therapist with everything you've been up against?

[Herodias]

It is on the divorce decree that he will pay me through a joint account. I agreed to it, because i thought we would end up back together like the other times we split. I think that was the reason he agreed to alimony as well. I cannot take him back when he has spent the past year in a r/s with someone else and not working on himself. I am doing allot of work on myself. I am confident I will not get into another r/s like this ever again!  I continue to meet people with issues, but now I turn away , so unlike my past. As they say, people will tell you who they are, you just have to listen! My stbx told me that he see's that I am not interested anymore. So he must try and make it work with this woman who is willing to put up with his behavior, I suppose. I just think I find the whole thing fascinating how they are all the same. The more I learn here, the less chance I have at repeating at any level, whether it i him trying to recycle or a new person trying to come into my life. I am getting better.