Life after BPD relationship and what it is like to be BPD

[AsGoodAsItGets]

my story, BPD ex used to visit me at work.  I had little interest.  She was off, if you know what i mean.  Reluctantly at the advice of relatives and friends suggestion i give her a chance,  after all i was just rejected by a young lady and knew how it felted being interested, but not getting even one date.

first date and several others, no magic spark at all,  it was not until after she crashed her car with me in it, that i started to fall for her. Holding her while she cried made me feel what she was going through deeply.

She crashed her car again, lost her job, was addicted to a lot of stuff, had possibility of two years prison time.   I was always their, even when she pushed me a way to have a relationship (sex with someone else) and then act like we were in a relationship when she needed her rent paid.  

Eventually after she hit rock bottom she wanted to move in,  I "we" cleared up her legal issues, got her off drugs, helped her reconnect with family and she got a job.  the day she moved in I had $400,000.00.  When i kick her out i was broke, financially and mentally,  I nearly almost beat her the night before i told her to leave,  lucky some how i never laid a had on her and took all my aggression out on kitchen wears by throwing them out of the third story window.  I never ever was angry towards her, or threatening.  Up until that evening I was mostly calm loving and always thoughtful partner.  

    She knew something was up, and yet could not understand that it could possibly have anything to do with her behavior.  In a way it really didn't.  I had my on childhood triggers.  haven't exploded in a survival rage in seven years.  It took a fair amount of therapy and self reflection.  as a child their were some caregivers who would torment me the most when they saw i was the happiest.

    I was always able to be their for her.  except this one time coming home.  I was the happiest I have been in a long time.  I went up to her literally singing and all smiles.    She lightly raged, and that was it,  all that love work and tender moments didn't matter to me.  She was just like those people who were suppose to protect me, but instead deliberately destroyed any happiness i had.

I finally realized what it is like to be BPD, I was in survival mode and had to protect my happiness and childhood wounds.  She was no longer the women I wanted to marry, life partner, or  best friend. In an emotional instance, she was the enemy, and had to go.  After two weeks i calmed down, and really could not understand what happened to me. After some self reflection.  I asked to reconcile. Yet when we met, those same feelings returned.  I was to hurt and resentful to be aware of her needs.  I needed (wanted, only we can personally address are inner demons) her to step up and be their for me.  Of course most people especially a BPD can not really be available to address a persons childhood wounds.   Only we can do that.  

I reflected and tried one more time to reconcile, with no response or interest on her part.

i honestly love her and wish we could be together, (am i waiting for her to come back? no)  

Present day, I now am in a beautiful relationship with a women who cares about me and will most likely be my life partner, shes a pharmacist, no drama, healthy no drugs, wants kids, and loves me to death.

I am still struggling with loving.  I know I love my ex and always will.

(i also loved how some drugs felt in college, just because something feels amazing doesn't mean its good for you)  Sometime I wish my ex would reach out to me says she's in therapy, that she would like me to join her and we could pick up were we left of and she sorry, and forgives me.  I know its crazy, but that love I had for her felt so good.  

Most of the time i just feel grateful, to have a peaceful, reliable, stress free relationship.  Even though it lacks a deep feeling of love, it is healthy and life is so much more richer.  Thanks for reading, I hope this helps you in your journey.

[Herodias]

I know what you mean... .I just have to keep telling myself that it was not real. It makes no sense... .Some of it was, had to be. You're lucky to have found someone new. Try not to mess that up over a relationship that has no chance... .I think I must like drama or something myself- I hope I can meet someone nice and calm next time.

[SGraham]

Welcome to the site AGAIG,

Im sorry you had to go through that, but it's good that you found someone new. One of your last lines scares me a bit though, you said there isn't that deep sense of love. I often fear that perhaps its impossible to feel the same level of love my ex supplied in a healthy relationship. I guess only time will tell. Best wishes

[LostGhost]

Welcome to the site AGAIG,

Im sorry you had to go through that, but it's good that you found someone new. One of your last lines scares me a bit though, you said there isn't that deep sense of love. I often fear that perhaps its impossible to feel the same level of love my ex supplied in a healthy relationship. I guess only time will tell. Best wishes

I too am worried about this. I have zero attraction or desire towards other females. Lots of beautiful, funny, intelligent girls out there that would be great relationship material, but I feel like I've been hardwired to be with my ex.

[Turkish]

Hi AGAIG,

You sound hopeful in your r/s with your new lady. You've done a lot of introspection and self-work. Holding your Ex after that accident sounds like it triggered something in you that was unresolved. In a slightly similar way, I wasn't really into my Ex in the beginning. I was annoyed, and knew something was off; that was her. I stayed; that was me.

We have a board for children of BPD and NPD parents. Aside from the clinical labels,.we're children who were unloved, neglected, and abused in various ways by parents or caregivers. As Leavers, it may be shocking to us that in our relationships, we may have been trying to fix with one person, our problems with another person. That isn't fair to anybody, yet we don't know what we don't know. If you're up to it, we'd love to welcome you:

[L5]  Coping and Healing from a BPD Parent, Sibling, or In-law Board

Turkish

[Tomzxz]

I can agree fully with your last line. I have dated only two women since my ex and there isn't that deep sense of love even dating them for a few months. I am afraid I will not get to feel the deep love I had for my ex ever again.  Perhaps it just takes more time with a "normal" person. Perhaps I'm just more guarded now. Perhaps the women sense my guarded heart and things don't get deeper on their end.  I have read that healthy relationships are a little more boring than what we are use too after BPD but they are much safer and loving to be in.  

It might be because healthy people have their own identity and tend to be more reserved and do things in moderation. I think I loved my ex so deeply because the connection happened so fast.  In the time that I knew her, she was very intense in almost everything she did up until I was painted black. 2.5 years felt like 10, we were instantly enmeshed after the third date and she was my best friend/only friend... .Listening to her stories and thought was seductive, making her laugh gave me the best feeling in the world.  I have to say that I did get an adrenalin high from my ex's intensity, intelligence, keen observations and snarky comments etc... . It was her intensity of feelings that pulled me in, even a trip to the grocery store was exiting.  She wasn't very active, sex was rather vanilla and she was not really that pretty, somewhat plain you could say but she was a charmer and had a very raw, primal feminine energy, her skin even smelled different from other women. There was a distinct energy, an animalistic type magnetism that I wanted to be around all the time and I loved it.  We had so much in common it was too good to be true. Face it, we usually get sucked in because we have our own trauma's and attachment issues so the feeling of being accepted by someone I greatly admired was intoxicating.  In many ways I fell in love with a reflection of myself or who I wanted to be more like. Who wouldn't want to love that person deeply?  

The intensity triggered her desire to be close. Closeness triggered my deep love, my deep love triggered her engulfment and she resented me for her change in life direction and the wasted years of being with me.  It's not personal though, she's done it all before.  Now I know her painful life story in every detail, I feel her plight, researched her condition and mine so now I feel even closer to her and love her even more that she is gone.  It sucks.  Sometimes I wish I didn't have empathy or could at least turn it off when thinking of her but I cant - I just loved her so damned deeply but I know she was bad for me.  

Hold on... .That sounds like an addiction.  :)OH!

[ScorpioLaw]

 Just remember the first rule of being calm. Don't. Take. It. Personal.

That's where you went wrong.

Other then that, it happens to everyone. You said you use to be a really good guy and that's changed a bit. However you were bothered enough about it to ask for advice on here, so I think you already knew it wasn't a good choice.

I had a struggle not to long ago with being stepped on. For a while I became a total dick at times, and then would regret it. In the end I turned back to basically how I was because I realized it was a cycle. The more I thought about boundaries, standing up, being assertive the worse I became. -I started causing more problems then the problem I set out to fix.-

For me, personally now? It's all about people's intentions. If someone is actively trying to push me then I'll push back. I won't get stomped on, but if people happen to step on my feet then it's okay.

[AsGoodAsItGets]

Thank you all for your kind words and insight through sharing.  It sound as if other are having a hard time with loving a new partner.  The fog of what we went through, if it was real or just in our heads and all the stuff that comes with it, including the subconscious makes this equally challenging and fun.  Fun because we honestly can learn to love ourselves.  I said the L word.  Dont run,  its okay to be their for us.  Is it easy,  NO,  Does it take Work, YES.  The only thing challenging for me is.  Now that I love my inner child and so focus on my own needs, my childish selfish ways are coming out.  I easily don't seem to need anyone in the short term.  My emotions are addressed immediately, all good, but F' any one else at the moment.   It feels great.  Except it makes it so hard to self reflect.  Yet when i do stop and think of how i effected other, I feel empathy, lots of it.  Balance.  It will come for me, and for you.  If anyone every needs anything or just an extra point of view.  Happy to help.