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Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits. Practicing lawyer, Senior Family Mediator, and former Licensed Clinical Social Worker with twelve years’ experience and an expert on navigating the Family Court process.
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Author Topic: Jealousy, accusations, projections - is there anything we can do?  (Read 397 times)
klacey3
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« on: September 03, 2015, 12:41:52 PM »

About 9 weeks since we officially broke up now. He at first would insult me, then last month was telling me how much he loved me etc even offered me money to meet him. Then he started making vague implied threats. I told him if he continued to do this or he successfully got his friends or family to contact me I would show people the type of things he has been saying to me. He then made another vague threat about having people "deal with me" if I do.

After that he sent me several emails about how he cheated on me several times when we were in a relationship including when I was on holiday and before he met me on his birthday, he fancied my family member, thought of another person when I was in bed with him, was in love with someone else the whole time, used me for my money, was never attracted to me or cared about me and everyone he knew hated me and then he  insulted my personality and said "at least I admit the truth, you are a lying cheating little **** and play the dumb sl*t card"

I thought it was just a rage and expected a fake apology after that. But he spent the next few days saying "im going to go on a date tomorrow to *place*" (the place I always wanted to go with him but never did), "tell your *family member he claims to fancy* I say hi ;-)"  "how does it "f*ing feel"

I didnt reply to the messages and a few days later I got another one " *persons name* eh. Im not having you publically show off your f**kbuddy and think you can laugh at me" (the persons name who he mentioned was actually someone who commented on my display picture recently on facebook saying "cute" a person the same gender as me and married to my family member. He obviously assumes that just because someone with a unisex name commented on a picture that it must mean I am sleeping with them).

I didnt respond to his message. The next day I receive "why the f**k did you have to cheat on me"

I am completely confused as HE admitted to cheating on ME yet is asking me why I cheated on HIM?

I don't know whether this is all projection or whether he only said he had cheated etc as a way to hurt me as he believes I cheated when I was with him...

Is there any way to deescalate the situation? The thought of being powerless to help him realise what he is thinking isnt true is painful... is there anything I can do? I just want him to leave me alone. I dont even know how he has looked at my facebook because I blocked him. it pains me when he contacts me or my family/friends but I don't want him to hurt either

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cloudten
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« Reply #1 on: September 03, 2015, 01:32:58 PM »

I can certainly see that is a frustrating situation!

My first impression is that it is a projection.  I would take everything he is saying as a projection and reflection on himself.

Are you in No Contact or Low Contact? I would consider going completely under the radar the best you can. Deactivate social media if you have to... .and block through your cell phone company.

I don't think there is any real way to deescalate the situation without contact. If you were on friendlier terms, you could validate his feelings and say "i can see why you think I would be cheating on you with ****, however he simply liked a photo on facebook and it is nothing further"... .but part of me also feels that if you really want him out of your life, then he doesn't deserve an explanation either way.

I can see you care for him, but you must love yourself more at the moment. You must do everything you can for self-preservation and self-protection... .even if that means going dark on social media.

PS- you always have US!
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klacey3
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« Reply #2 on: September 05, 2015, 04:36:43 AM »

I can certainly see that is a frustrating situation!

My first impression is that it is a projection.  I would take everything he is saying as a projection and reflection on himself.

Are you in No Contact or Low Contact? I would consider going completely under the radar the best you can. Deactivate social media if you have to... .and block through your cell phone company.

I don't think there is any real way to deescalate the situation without contact. If you were on friendlier terms, you could validate his feelings and say "i can see why you think I would be cheating on you with ****, however he simply liked a photo on facebook and it is nothing further"... .but part of me also feels that if you really want him out of your life, then he doesn't deserve an explanation either way.

I can see you care for him, but you must love yourself more at the moment. You must do everything you can for self-preservation and self-protection... .even if that means going dark on social media.

PS- you always have US!

If its all projection its sad because I was cheated on and lied to many times including being used... but on the other hand it shows how messed up he is and thats not a reflection on me... just wish I understood better.

I have taken your advice and am going under the radar at the moment. De-activated my facebook account for now. The ridiculous thing is that he confessed to all of these awful things and then got angry at me for cheating on him! (I didnt) and publicly humiliating him by someone (who is actually same gender as me) said a pic of mine was cute. Crazy! And very frustrating!

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klacey3
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« Reply #3 on: September 09, 2015, 09:02:26 AM »

Does anyone else have any comments?

I just don't understand how after admitting and confessing to this horrible stuff he calls me a liar and a cheater, then days later asks how I could have cheated on him and told me he has now slept with someone else, stating that the difference between us is he does it when broken up but i did it when we were together. But HE confessed to sleeping with someone else and kissing multiple girls when I was with him...
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Sadly
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« Reply #4 on: September 09, 2015, 09:19:40 AM »

Hi Klacey

is there any chance that he didnt cheat on you or do any of those things? Could he be making that up to hurt you badly. It sounds like he wants you to be the bad person so much, so that he can deal with caring about you in the first place. My SO was strange, he would deny and truly believe something hadn't been said or happened 5 minutes after it had occured! I was the liar, believe me, 5 minutes and neither of us had left the room. I used to be so confused, beg him to listen to me, say, how could you say these things, we were both sat here, whats happening? Sadly and scarily he truly believed himself and say I was weird and needed treatment. I think I have mentioned before, I dont think your guy is a very nice person, regardless of his BPD. What are you hoping for or are you just trying to understand? 
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Never let someone be your priority whilst you remain their option
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« Reply #5 on: September 09, 2015, 04:56:22 PM »

It is all about them, always! They can't admit fault because it is too painful; they project so you are the worse person and what they did was justified. They live in their own reality based on their emotion of the moment; you will end up losing touch with reality and losing your self trying to make sense of their craziness. Enough damage was done in the relationship, think about you and who you were before the relationship; always be realistic.
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Lunira
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« Reply #6 on: September 09, 2015, 09:31:13 PM »

Does anyone else have any comments?

I just don't understand how after admitting and confessing to this horrible stuff he calls me a liar and a cheater, then days later asks how I could have cheated on him and told me he has now slept with someone else, stating that the difference between us is he does it when broken up but i did it when we were together. But HE confessed to sleeping with someone else and kissing multiple girls when I was with him...

He's shame-dumping.  Rather than feel the shame of being a liar, cheat, worthless person, whatever, he prefers to pretend YOU were, so he can pretend he's ok, that what he did was ok.
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rotiroti
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« Reply #7 on: September 09, 2015, 10:47:35 PM »

Lunira is spot on. These shameful emotions are difficult for someone with BPD to process. They will often project it onto someone close for them to process it for them
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letmeout
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« Reply #8 on: September 10, 2015, 02:01:03 AM »


He's shame-dumping.  Rather than feel the shame of being a liar, cheat, worthless person, whatever, he prefers to pretend YOU were, so he can pretend he's ok, that what he did was ok.[/quote]
Shame-dumping, as you call it, was a daily occurrence in my marriage, and even long after the divorce. Its a truly sick and twisted mind that someone has who can do that.

It is really sad how it poisons us. Sadder still is the fact that we didn't run and stay away when this behavior appeared the first time. I will never understand why I repeatedly let my ex spit such poison venom at me.
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enlighten me
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« Reply #9 on: September 10, 2015, 02:50:40 AM »

Going NC is probably the best thing to do. If he does manage to contact you again then it might be worth you saying " Im sorry you think I have done these things and realise that nothing I can say or do will make you think otherwise. We are over and we both have to get on with our lives and move on.  Please do not contact me again as I do not feel it is doing either of us any good. I hope that one day you can find happiness." or something to that effect.

If he continues then depending on how threatened you feel I would contact the police.

Im sure you have a lot of unanswered questions. Your in the right place here to get some of the answers.
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« Reply #10 on: September 10, 2015, 05:12:48 PM »

DARVO: Deny, Attack and Reverse Victim and Offender

Maybe worth a google ?

My exBPDgf does this a lot.
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klacey3
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« Reply #11 on: September 11, 2015, 02:59:48 AM »

Does anyone else have any comments?

I just don't understand how after admitting and confessing to this horrible stuff he calls me a liar and a cheater, then days later asks how I could have cheated on him and told me he has now slept with someone else, stating that the difference between us is he does it when broken up but i did it when we were together. But HE confessed to sleeping with someone else and kissing multiple girls when I was with him...

He's shame-dumping.  Rather than feel the shame of being a liar, cheat, worthless person, whatever, he prefers to pretend YOU were, so he can pretend he's ok, that what he did was ok.

So does that mean he does know that Im not the things he says I am?

It is so confusing :-/ after confessing all the cheating and lying he continues to say im sex obsessed, liar and cheat etc. Telling me at least he waited to be over to break up to be with someone else. Has he forgotten that he admitted these things to me? How can he admit doing all of the things he accuses me of while telling me how disgusting I am for doing the things he told me had done... ? How can he say he hasnt lied or cheated like me after confessing that he did?
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enlighten me
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« Reply #12 on: September 11, 2015, 03:34:27 AM »

Hi Klacey

I had numerous arguments with my exgf where I was accused of things I hadn't done. She also said things that she claims to never remember.

I honestly believe some of the stuff she said she didn't remember. Only once have I had something similar happen to me so I can see how plausible it was.

I was in the army and having some drinks with my friends. Another guy came up and started having a go at me for no reason. He was a known bully. Words were exchanged and we went our separate ways. As I walked to my block I noticed him following me. I went in and a minute later heard the door go. I had heard that in the past he had attacked someone as when they were in bed. I went out of my room and he was stood there. He didn't live in my block so I knew something was up. He started having a go at me then head butted me. I saw red and the next thing I know he was on the floor with me kneeling on his chest begging me to stop. This scared me. Im not a violent person and will avoid conflict where possible. I have no idea what happened from him head butting me to me kneeling on his chest. Whatever goes on when we see red is I suspect what happens when a pwBPD dysregulates in an argument. For some reason part of the brain just shuts down. Im not basing this on any scientific fact just my personal opinion.

The accusations as others have said could be projection or maybe they are just feelings being manifested. My exgf accused me of being a liar and always lieing. She based this on her feelings rather than facts. Because I had made excuses to do something and wasn't totally honest (buy her a birthday present) I had lied to her. In a way she was right. With black and white thinking you can see how it made me a liar. Have I lied yes therefore I am a liar.
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scgator
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« Reply #13 on: September 11, 2015, 10:32:50 AM »

Hi Klacey

is there any chance that he didnt cheat on you or do any of those things? Could he be making that up to hurt you badly.

I had to deal with this myself. My exgf accused me of cheating and lying. Then said she slept with her exbf. Later she said she only said it to hurt me. This repeated itself at least 5 times - she did/didn't etc. Her latest is that she never cheated and I'm still a liar. At the end of the day, does it really matter which way it went? Either she betrayed me and then dumped the shame onto me, or she lied and manipulated me into tears and believing she cheated just to hurt me badly. For what? For loving her? Is that what I want to look forward to the rest of my life? Having my love, commitment and best efforts returned with lies and intentional hurt or betrayal? For me, the answer was no. Even when I presented this to her, saying either you cheated or just made me believe it to hurt me, either way sucks for me, her reply was "I didn't cheat" - no care, no empathy, no thought for how she made me feel.

I wish I'd have had an answer to the original question. For me, once the games started, the question changed to "do I want to live the rest of my life like this?" It was a slow, difficult, sad decision filled with second-guessing, but I knew deep inside my answer was no. It was sad for the rs but hopefully (definitely!) ultimately good for me.

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letmeout
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« Reply #14 on: September 16, 2015, 12:18:40 AM »

My ex actually believed the lies he told himself and everyone else. To him, his disillusions were real. BPD is a serious mental illness.
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klacey3
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« Reply #15 on: September 17, 2015, 05:05:50 AM »

Hi Klacey

I had numerous arguments with my exgf where I was accused of things I hadn't done. She also said things that she claims to never remember.

I honestly believe some of the stuff she said she didn't remember. Only once have I had something similar happen to me so I can see how plausible it was.

I was in the army and having some drinks with my friends. Another guy came up and started having a go at me for no reason. He was a known bully. Words were exchanged and we went our separate ways. As I walked to my block I noticed him following me. I went in and a minute later heard the door go. I had heard that in the past he had attacked someone as when they were in bed. I went out of my room and he was stood there. He didn't live in my block so I knew something was up. He started having a go at me then head butted me. I saw red and the next thing I know he was on the floor with me kneeling on his chest begging me to stop. This scared me. Im not a violent person and will avoid conflict where possible. I have no idea what happened from him head butting me to me kneeling on his chest. Whatever goes on when we see red is I suspect what happens when a pwBPD dysregulates in an argument. For some reason part of the brain just shuts down. Im not basing this on any scientific fact just my personal opinion.

The accusations as others have said could be projection or maybe they are just feelings being manifested. My exgf accused me of being a liar and always lieing. She based this on her feelings rather than facts. Because I had made excuses to do something and wasn't totally honest (buy her a birthday present) I had lied to her. In a way she was right. With black and white thinking you can see how it made me a liar. Have I lied yes therefore I am a liar.

Hi enlighten me,

Thanks for sharing your army story. Interesting theory that when we see red and sometimes forget during a traumatic event is what happens to them during a rage.

It seems like such a complicated disorder. Sometimes they believe their lies and sometimes they know they are lying. Sometimes accusations and projections and sometimes they are just based on feelings. Sometimes they pretend to care and sometimes they really feel like they do.

Its all confusing...
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enlighten me
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« Reply #16 on: September 17, 2015, 05:25:49 AM »

Hi Klacey

Yes it is confusing. What adds to the confusion is no two pwBPD are the same. It is a whole jumble of all you mentioned and trying to sift through it to see what was projection, what was feelings and what was a lie is nigh on impossible. We can filter some of it based on the situation at the time but we will never be able to piece all of it together.
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letmeout
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« Reply #17 on: September 18, 2015, 01:29:15 AM »

My ex actually believed the lies he told himself and everyone else. To him, his delusions were real. BPD is a serious mental illness.

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klacey3
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« Reply #18 on: September 18, 2015, 10:00:47 AM »


He's shame-dumping.  Rather than feel the shame of being a liar, cheat, worthless person, whatever, he prefers to pretend YOU were, so he can pretend he's ok, that what he did was ok.

Shame-dumping, as you call it, was a daily occurrence in my marriage, and even long after the divorce. Its a truly sick and twisted mind that someone has who can do that.

It is really sad how it poisons us. Sadder still is the fact that we didn't run and stay away when this behavior appeared the first time. I will never understand why I repeatedly let my ex spit such poison venom at me. [/quote]
Hi letmeout,

Thanks for your replies.

Some with BPD believe their own lies and some don't I think. I guess we will never know
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