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Skills we were never taught
98
A 3 Minute Lesson
on Ending Conflict
Communication Skills-
Don't Be Invalidating
Listen with Empathy -
A Powerful Life Skill
Setting Boundaries
and Setting Limits
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Author Topic: how to make things better  (Read 493 times)
KeepCalm

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« on: September 10, 2015, 04:57:26 AM »

Hi all, I am new to this forum. Just to introduce myself. I am 45 years old and realised in the last few years that I am co-dependent. porbably due to the fact that when I was growing up, my parents always relied on me to "succeed", and I have to some extent done well in life and ended  up being a caregiver sort of person. I got involved ina  string of relationships where I ended up being the "giver" and looking back, I had issues letting go even when I deserved  better treatment.  I always try to be accommodating and have misguided notions about love. I definitely need  to feel needed in order to feel loved. That is perhaps why my present partner and I have stayed together despite the roller coaster ride it has been. I am not a therapist but from what I have read, it would appear that my partner has some classic BPD traits.  He is very emotionally sensitive and I have for  along time felt like I am walking on eggshells.  He would idealise me one minute and devalue me the next, at the slightest perceived or imagined slight. He is controlling and wants me all to himself. One of the triggers, for example, is if I express a desire to soend time with others rather than with  him. That is perceived as "abandonment" and triggers a negative response. To cut a long story short, I don't know how to cope with all of this effectively and would like to break the vicious cycle of conflict. I love him a lot and wish to stay in this relationship, while recognising his condition and my own co-dependent traits. I have tried validation techniques but they do not always work. I am still searching for answers and any guidance from this forum will be appreciated.
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Ceruleanblue
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« Reply #1 on: September 10, 2015, 06:34:01 AM »

Excerpt
That is perceived as "abandonment" and triggers a negative response. To cut a long story short, I don't know how to cope with all of this effectively and would like to break the vicious cycle of conflict. I love him a lot and wish to stay in this relationship, while recognising his condition and my own co-dependent traits. I have tried validation techniques but they do not always work. I am still searching for answers and any guidance from this forum will be appreciated.

Welcome!

Lots of us have similar stories. I've read up a lot on codependent behavior, and am trying to be healthier in that regard. Like you, I've had mixed results with the lessons. I have to modify them some, and even then I haven't gotten the results some have. I think it's because BPD is a spectrum disorder, and some with BPD respond better to things once they are validated. That doesn't seem to be a huge need for my BPDh. I actually feel as if validation is more important to me than him, but of course he can't or won't give me any.

Have you read any books on BPD? They go into a lot of detail, and there are several good books suggested on this site. I just got a couple more to read from the library. I feel I'm always trying to find the magic tool that will finally get me somewhere with BPDh, but I'm starting to think it doesn't exist. If someone wants to feel miserable, and not deal with their issues, and takes zero responsibility, that's on them.
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KeepCalm

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« Reply #2 on: September 11, 2015, 11:40:38 PM »

Thank you for your response. It is good to hear that I am not alone.

I have read BPD books. I found them helpful to some extent. You are correct, there is no one-size-fits-all solution. I guess that's why it's so difficult to find a "solution".  There is so much conflict. Keep trying different methods (imperfectly). Sometimes they work, sometimes they don't.

My most recent mantra is to tell myself that if I cannot make things better, I should at least try not to make them worse. I am also trying radical acceptance and preparing myself to accept the reality, and to remain centred in this storm of turbulent emotions. It is entirely up to him to decide whether he wants to love or to leave.  I have no control over his actions or decisions. The only control I have is over me and only I can change me.

The BPD books say that caregivers have to remain strong and try not to take things personally, tell myself that the hurtful things he says and does during an episode are not deliberate, and that it is all about him and not about me. I m trying to tell myself that the real him is the tender loving caring and wonderful man he is when we are not fighting, who tells me that he needs me and we are one. That BPD is a recognised condition and is highly treatable. But it is up to me to do what I can to support him. That I need to remain strong and give up the illusion that he would be able to take care of me.

I understand that the BPD condition is such that the person is highly sensitive to being abandoned, and is very prone to jealousy and exercising control over his non, and feelings of abandonment would trigger an "episode",  and that to be a caregiver, one has to remain strong and to keep healthy by remaining contact with friends and family.

Question: How am I supposed to remain in contact or attend / arrange get-togethers with family and friends if by doing that, I would invariably trigger an emotional response? It is a paradox that I have been able to successfully implement in practice.





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LilMe
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Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: Together 10 years; now living apart since April 2016
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« Reply #3 on: September 12, 2015, 10:41:10 AM »

You are not alone! I also am doing better about taking my pwBPD's hurtful words personally, but it is not easy. Being told every single day that I am rude, stupid, etc in front of my children is hard to take! Validation does NOT work with mine. You definitely have to tweak and only use the tools that work.

I also struggle with him secluding me. Even from my grown children. That is one that I am slowly making tiny progress with. I have an amazing support group of friends and family. They are hurt that I cannot spend time with them now, but understand it has to be this way until our young children are older. He does 'allow' me a phone and computer (isn't that sick!) so I text, facebook, and email to keep my sanity and keep what relationships I have. I involve the children in activities when I can to get us out of the house.

He is a couple blocks right now away trying to find the children's teacher so they can be in a parade. He called to blame and yell how it was my fault he couldn't find the teacher. I said I will walk over and help. He said "No, I will not let you find us." Sigh.
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KeepCalm

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« Reply #4 on: September 12, 2015, 10:53:45 PM »

Thanks Lil Me.  It is a struggle and horrible to be secluded. The complication for me is that we work in the same office, he is very high functioning and successful (he is also my boss) and is divorced with 2 boys in their early twenties. We have been together for 11 years. He goes through the classic splitting behaviour where he says I am everything to him and his angel and "thank you for loving me" during our happy moments to "the last 11 years have been hell" during a fight. He keeps his time with me separate from his time with his 2 boys. Wile i dont begrudge that it is difficult as it meansthat he only spends time with mewhen his boys are in school overseas but whenthey are back for the hols i have to keep myself scarce, although he would sometimes ask me to stay over when the boys are staying with their mum. The other day he got angry when he asked me if i wanted to stay over at his place and I said that i was fine either way. The truth is that i was feeling tired and wanted to stay at home but he construed it as me having changed and no longer willing to jump whenever he asks me to come over. He then gave me the silent treatment and told me that i did not have to accompanyhim for a work trip the following day. I decided to stay calm and to regulate my feelings by not wallowing and organised a get together with a few close friends instead to get my mind off things. On the day of the get together i asked if i could call him and he said yes. I said i missed you (which was true) and asked him what he had been doing. Everything was fine until i told him I had organised a get together at my place that evening. He blew his top and called me a fraud for pretending to be sad and yet organising a "party" behind his back. I tried to explain, calmly, that i refused to wallow and that was my way of being strong and trying to end the cycle of conflict and to regulate my own emotiond even though I cannot control his.  I said that i wanted less drama in our lives and that i really did not want to fight anymore. I also said that I would always be here for him and his sarcastic response was how could I here for him if Iwas at a party?  I can see how my organising a get together could be construed as abandonment or betrayal from his point of view even though I do not think it is inconsistent with my love for him.  I think he has calmed down (as he is replying to my emails about work)  but I don't know whether I should pretend that nothing has happened or to try and validate further or just wait and see what happens over the next few days or text him to ask if I could call him and offer the olive branch? It is so difficult. Another issue is that his son would be joining the firm in Jan 2016 and I don't see a future for us if I were to decide to quit my job (which is fine for me as I am financially independent). He is a workaholic and a very successful professional. Although I know that he needs me, emotionally (however dysfunctional it may sound), I just don't see any future for us.
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LilMe
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Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: Together 10 years; now living apart since April 2016
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« Reply #5 on: September 13, 2015, 06:24:01 AM »

You are fortunate to be financially independent and not have children! Your relationship is what it is. You can set some boundaries and reduce the conflict and rage by using the tools in the Lessons, but you must accept that this is how it is. Overall, things will most likely never change. When you can really accept that, you will either be able to tolerate it or not. Sorry that you and all of us are caught up in the mess of BPD! It is hard not to get sucked into the good and think that it will eventually come back permanantly.
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KeepCalm

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« Reply #6 on: September 13, 2015, 07:33:31 AM »

Hi Lil Me

I don't know. My heart and my head tell me that BPD is an illness and that when things gets crazy, it is not deliberate and I must not take it personally. And that I should  accept him for all that he is, that BPD is highly treatable, so God willing, there IS hope. At the same time, I recognise that his actions and decisions are beyond my control, there will be a  lot of challenges and it is a lonely journey. I love this man deeply. It's instinctive and compelling, maybe due to my co-dependent nature. I am glad I found this forum and am able to share my thoughts and seek advice. I consider myself to be a centred person with a lot of love to give. Fortunately my family is  close-knit and I have many nieces and nephews who give me great joy. They don't know about my partner's BPD. They just know that we fight a lot. That said my partner is a loving and fabulous person, and many people look up  to him. I think the splitting primarily happens with me, the one closest and dearest to him. With others, he does fly into a rage but stops short of abuse. I do love this man with all my heart and there is nothing I wouldn't  do to bring about peace and happiness for him. 

Thanks for your advice. All comments are welcome. 
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babyducks
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Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
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« Reply #7 on: September 13, 2015, 08:03:27 AM »

Hi KeepCalm,

Welcome to bpdfamily.   

I wanted to join with Lilme in saying hello.    This is a website that will help support and encourage you.   

If you haven't already noticed the box to the right hand side of the screen that is the place to start.   There is a lot of very good information included in those links.

One of my favorite quotes is from Lesson Five.   It says:

Excerpt
Our emotional responses are always up to us. We do have choices. We aren't puppets on a string. We can learn to stop following and participating in the dysfunctional dance our partners are trying to lead us on. We can choose to start a new dance, and stick with it, hoping our partners will soon follow us.



I'm glad you are here with us.   

'ducks

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What lies behind us and what lies ahead of us are tiny matters compared to what lives within us.
Suzn
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« Reply #8 on: September 13, 2015, 10:17:27 AM »

Hello KeepCalm   

Welcome to bpdfamily. I love your user name!

How am I supposed to remain in contact or attend / arrange get-togethers with family and friends if by doing that, I would invariably trigger an emotional response? It is a paradox that I have been able to successfully implement in practice.

You are not responsible for his emotional response, it is up to him to self sooth. As a codependent I have felt responsible for others reactions and have altered my "plans" with others to avoid conflict. The truth of the matter is it was my way to avoid feeling uncomfortable with someone else's disregulated episodes which resulted in me being isolated from others. -I- isolated myself because it caused anxiety for me. Like you, this uncomfortable anxiety stems from my childhood.

Another issue is that his son would be joining the firm in Jan 2016 and I don't see a future for us if I were to decide to quit my job (which is fine for me as I am financially independent). He is a workaholic and a very successful professional. Although I know that he needs me, emotionally (however dysfunctional it may sound), I just don't see any future for us.

Is your relationship being kept secret from his children? From anyone else?

He keeps his time with me separate from his time with his 2 boys. Wile i dont begrudge that it is difficult as it means that he only spends time with me when his boys are in school overseas but when they are back for the hols i have to keep myself scarce, although he would sometimes ask me to stay over when the boys are staying with their mum.

It would be difficult for anyone to be left out during the holidays.   
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“Consider how hard it is to change yourself and you'll understand what little chance you have in trying to change others.” ~Jacob M. Braude
KeepCalm

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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
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Posts: 10


« Reply #9 on: September 13, 2015, 07:18:54 PM »

Hi baby duks, thanks for your words of encouragement.  Smiling (click to insert in post)
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KeepCalm

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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
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Posts: 10


« Reply #10 on: September 13, 2015, 07:31:56 PM »

Hi Suzn, to answer your question, his boys know about me but we do not have direct interaction because of the divorce. Their mum is still bitter and angry, the boys are loyal to both parents and he  does not want them to feel caught / conflicted. Our relationship is not secret, and we go for functions and events together, and we spend a lot of free time with each other, at the expense of my time with my family and friends. He is controlling and possessive. On good days he does encourage me to spend time with my family and go out with my friends but due to all my fear and "conditioning" i constantly worry that he would flip and get angry whenever i do so or hold it against me if I am away for too long. But i guess that is the nature of the beast. Sigh. He is still giving me the silent treatment and not responding to my whatsapp  messages. I don't know if and how I should validate his feelings. Do I say that i know it seems like organising a get-together during our fight seems like a betrayal and then explain that I only did that because I needed to remain strong to survive this relationship, and to remain strong I needed to stay centred and draw on my friends for strength (without telling them that I am struggling with an uBPbf). Or is it too late to validate as the fight was two days ago, and since  then, what I have tried to do is to reassure him that I am still here and really do love and miss him. I don't dare to validate as it means having to bring up the past and acknowledging his feelings of being betrayed (even though I do not agree with thm). It's so tough... any help/advice would be appreciated!
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KeepCalm

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« Reply #11 on: September 13, 2015, 07:43:22 PM »

Part of me also worries that he is nowpulling away from me because of the inevitable, and that he would choose forme to leave the firm to avoid any complications when his son joins.  I had a couple of months ago tried to broach the subject with him and even tried to go on a sabbatical  (no pay leave, with a view to winding down and leaving the firm by the end of this year) but he "revoked" my sabbatical and reinstated my salary, he said he wanted me to take care of him and that he would do it his way. I suspect he does not not know what is the best thing to do as he does want me to be with him but i cannot stay in the firm  when his son joins. But instead of talking to me about it, the issue simply festers as he is avoiding me and he is finding other ways to convince himself (and me) that the relationship is not working out. yet at the same time he wants me to continue taking care of his needs, ie the best of both worlds. It's difficultfor a human being to accept all these contradictions. But I am trying to practise mindfulness and radical acceptance. Question I have is whether I should voluntarily tender my resignation and leave it to him to make the decision?  I am fine with leaving as I need a break from work anyway. It's just the future with him that I worry about as I see no future for him and me if I were to leave the firm, as we would see less of each oter and out of sight is out of mind?  I should add that he is dependent on me to do a lot of stuff for him but I have been trying to train his secretary and people around him to take over some of these tasks. In other words, I have been trying to put in place a support network for him in case I am no longer aroudn to support him, because I do love him, and part of the reason that has stopped me from leaving is the FOG even though I sometimes think that by doing that, I am just shooting myself in the foot. It's confusing and I know I need help too for my co-dependent behaviour. Sorry about rambling. 
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KeepCalm

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« Reply #12 on: September 18, 2015, 12:00:13 PM »

Just checking in.

It's Friday night and the past few days at work have been peaceful but tough. 

Question: do I need to communicate with my uBPbf how I feel so that he knows that I am still there for him when he is ready to reconnect, or should I avoid contact altogether?  If I avoid contact altogether wouldn't it simply "validate"his feelings of abandonment?

Since this is the staying board, I am looking for a strategy to keep it together rather than a NC strategy.

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