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Author Topic: Police left to take him for mental assessment  (Read 534 times)
townhouse
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« on: September 11, 2015, 07:49:36 AM »

I have been posting about how dysregulated my partner has been lately particularly over the building works.

The last couple of weeks have been up and down. He's been OK with me because I have been validating how he feels about the builder.

He did call the builder again really screaming swear words down the phone and he said he would kill him if he ever came to our house.

This morning he found something new to be upset about and I'm afraid I didn't take it well and was annoyed at him. We got over it but trouble was brewing because he jumped down my throat about some totally innocent question.

He of course started drinking and went to his office with music on. I went to his door and said that dinner was ready. He stayed there for 20 mins then came to the table picked up his food and threw it at my face hard, yelling at me to leave, what a b___ I was etc. he went back to his office still yelling I followed him and he turned round and started to chase me, bashing me on the back of the head with his beer can. When I was cornered he gave me a huge punch in the side of the face. During this time he was yelling that it was my fault he'd had a heart attack two years ago.

I rushed outside grabbing my phone and called my son who called the police. While I was hiding next door I could hear him ripping boards off the house.

When the police arrived first they went in to talk to him and then they asked me to come in. My face had swollen up and they asked him about this... .he said he didn't do it. He had written a suicide note and was lining up pills when the police went in. The note said that I had forced him to commit suicide because I always get my way.

He was drunk and joking with the police saying he was going to write books about them. Then he started to cry say he didn't want to live anymore and maybe there was something mentally wrong with him. At this point the police talked to me and said there were taking him to the hospital ( part where they assess disordered people.) They finally left. I spoke to my sons and his daughter.

So I am in shock, numb don't know how I feel. Hopefully they will keep him there a couple of days and get him on some medication.

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babyducks
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« Reply #1 on: September 11, 2015, 09:08:05 AM »

I'm sorry townhouse.

Did you report to the police that he struck you?
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« Reply #2 on: September 11, 2015, 09:36:30 AM »

A man never hits a woman. I hope you do not accept his hitting you.
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« Reply #3 on: September 11, 2015, 10:03:24 AM »

WOW, you poor woman. My heart goes out to you.  I hope youre ok as can be.

One good thing, if there is any good in all this mess, is that hes going to get diagnosed now regardless.  And Im guessing will have to attend treatment.

Jesus, it puts into perspective all our issues.
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« Reply #4 on: September 11, 2015, 10:08:51 AM »

Abuse is not okay in any relationship, male/female, or otherwise. Abuse, is abuse. I read that abuse occurs pretty much with the same frequency in same sex relationships too. Lots of us with BPD partners though have been through this. My BPDh never got that physical to where he outright hit me, but I've had bruises and he's used his superior strength to get things he wanted. Heck, he shoved past the police officers I'd called to our house, and they did nothing about it?  

I'm so glad that YOU are now safe. I'm also so sorry you went through this. The bruises will heal before the hurt feelings do, I'm sure. PW these issues seem to not see the damage they do, or if they do it's fleeting. I always wish that my pwBPD was more self reflective and took responsibility more. I think there are those who have BPD that do, and I just have to think that would be easier. I've watched youtube videos, and it seems that some who have BPD know they create chaos, but later APOLOGIZE, and own up to their actions. How great would that be?

Hang in there! Maybe, just maybe, your partner will get diagnosed(if not initially, eventually), and it will lead to him getting the help he needs. He does seem like an extreme case, or like he's lower functioning BPD.
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townhouse
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« Reply #5 on: September 11, 2015, 12:09:33 PM »

The police have been to visit me and have dropped off the charge sheet. He must go to court on Wednesday and he isn't allowed to come within 200 meters of the house without a police officer present or be within 5 meters of me without a police officer present until Wednesday.

So I am safe but I have no idea what to think about the whole situation. The police are treating it as drunken domestic violence but of course it is so much more.

The policeman said he didn't believe the suicide note or the pills SO had lined up. He told me he said to my partner that the pills wouldn't hurt anyone and that we all are aware of this and that it was childish. Goodness knows what my partner thought of being spoken to like that. He will be hating the police officer and convincing himself the policeman is an idiot.

He gets assessed Saturday morning. He didn't manage to convince the police that he was a good guy and it was alll my fault. I wonder how he will go with the mental care staff.
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Cat Familiar
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« Reply #6 on: September 11, 2015, 01:29:21 PM »

I'm so sorry, townhouse. However I'm glad the authorities got involved and that there is documentation of his acting out behavior, which seems to be accelerating.

I've written a lot here about my ex-husband, who was physically and verbally abusive to me. In my experience, once they've assaulted you, it's more likely that they will assault you again. It's like they've crossed a boundary and the next time it gets easier to cross it, and perhaps up the level of violence.

I'm not saying this to worry you, but I do think you need to have some plan in mind in case he remains unstable and threatening. Maybe like maxsterling, you can have a protection order in place in case you need to serve it.

I'm very sorry this has happened to you. I hope he gets treatment that is effective. And like Ceruleanblue said, "the bruises will heal before the hurt feelings do."

The mistake I made with my ex was thinking that somehow I could control his behavior and if I was just nice and loving enough, that he would see how badly he had treated me and be motivated to be a better man.

Obviously he kept escalating the level of abuse after I broke up with him because he was arrested for domestic violence with his next wife and he fled the state before his arraignment. Now he has an active warrant for his arrest and it's unlikely that I'll ever cross paths with him again. And if I do, I'll call the authorities and let them know of his whereabouts.

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« Reply #7 on: September 11, 2015, 02:15:27 PM »

Thanks for the support posters.

"The mistake I made with my ex was thinking somehow I could control his behaviour and if I was just nice and loving enough, he would see how badly he had treated me and be motivated to be a better man." From Cat.

I know what you mean and also I really like him and our life when he's not dysregulated. But he is just getting worse and worse.

I feel he just wants me to leave this new house so he can have it. That was why he threw the food... .to humiliate me into leaving... .the things he said Wow. But when I didn't go his rage boiled over. He wasn't getting what he wanted. Strange though that he chose to shout over and over about me causing his heart attack. He has been drinking in excess for years even before he met me (hid it from me in the begging) and was sedentary the whole year before he had it.

The policeman also said the suicide (Sp?) note was very controlling and manipulative... .those guys have seen it all.

Oh and also he was on about the builder to the police. Didn't seem to care what he had done, just wanted to complain about the builder.



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Cat Familiar
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« Reply #8 on: September 11, 2015, 02:22:42 PM »

My first husband also issued lots of threats. He told me repeatedly that he'd take everything (of value that we had) and leave and I'd never see him again. Later in our relationship he would threaten suicide.

His next girlfriend called me once and said he was "holding her hostage with his suicide threats."

One of the many ways they learn to manipulate us nons is through drama.

And to accuse you of responsibility for his heart attack is just another way of him abdicating responsibility for his own life. Yep. I would bet that's a long-standing pattern with him--it's always someone else's fault.
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« Reply #9 on: September 11, 2015, 02:41:15 PM »

I've found that the things BPDh is really thinking, get blown out at me when he's mad or dysregulated. I don't think he just says them to hurt me, I really think they are things he's been holding against me, and blaming, and building a case against me with, all along. I think that is what your partner did too. I'd bet he's been blaming YOU for his heart attack all along, and he sees himself as the total victim! They create their own reality, only reality has very little to do with it. It's such a sad disorder.

Treat yourself kindly over the next few days. Is there anything you can do, like spend time with your kids, or family? Gardening, shopping, whatever your hobby is? It's hard, and I really struggle with obsessing, but the more you can distract yourself, and get yourself in a better place, the better off you'll be. I mean, you have to take care of YOU first, because you know there are going to be consequences due to all this(for him), and you'll likely get blamed, and there will be more drama to contend with. Shore up your own self and well being, and get all the support you can from friends and family. I would not hide what he did from anyone, personally.

Hugs to you. 
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« Reply #10 on: September 11, 2015, 03:06:26 PM »

I agree with Ceruleanblue, be very kind to yourself, townhouse.   

It isn't your fault he's this way. I know you know that, but when accused of such horrible things, we can question ourselves. The mental illness he has, existed before he met you and you did not cause it and you have not made it worse.

My ex frequently started sentences with "It's your fault that I (fill in the blank)."

I began to have two minds about this. On one hand, I didn't think it was my fault that he behaved the way he did. On the other, I thought I had extra responsibility to be on my best behavior so that I didn't set him off. And often he would go off for no discernible reason that I could figure out.

So please do something very nice for yourself and also figure out how you can protect yourself in the future, both physically and legally.   
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« Reply #11 on: September 11, 2015, 04:43:18 PM »

Accept nothing but his shame and guilt, blame does NOT replace valid excuse and rage does not defy logic.

He set himself at you with physical intention to do harm and he is as responsible for it as your are for an apology.

Be strong and know what is and is not acceptable to yourself, for the record my SO BPDgf has gone into rage (absolutely can't stand being mocked) and physically assaulted me in the past, blocking usually left her with bruises

It's a two way street unfortunately.
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« Reply #12 on: September 12, 2015, 04:55:40 AM »

So I am safe but I have no idea what to think about the whole situation.

how are you feeling today townhouse?

I am glad that you have court mandated protection until Wednesday.   I agree it's good that the authorities got involved and his actions were documented.

This is the first time something like this has happened, isn't it?

If you haven't already done it, please take a second and click on the link called Safety First on the right hand side of the page.    It's important to take some time to think about these things while the situation is relatively calm.   

I also want to echo two things that Cat Familiar said. 

In my experience, once they've assaulted you, it's more likely that they will assault you again. It's like they've crossed a boundary and the next time it gets easier to cross it, and perhaps up the level of violence.

That is pretty much what all the experts say, once that boundary has been crossed, things change.   I know you have a lot on your plate right now and are likely still in shock from what happened.   There is a lot to consider about how this might change you and your relationship.   

The other thing Cat Familiar mentioned was

and also figure out how you can protect yourself in the future, both physically and legally. 

I am going to suggest you visit the legal board here and open a thread.  The senior member who reside on that board have a lot of experience with complex legal situations like you now find yourself in.

Abuse is never justified.   This is not your fault.   Protect yourself physically and legally.  Take good care of you.

and please come back and let us know how you are doing.

'ducks
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townhouse
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« Reply #13 on: September 13, 2015, 05:49:20 AM »

I am feeling a lot calmer now. I think I must have been in shock for a while. And Yes baby ducks this is the first time anything like this has happened to me.

SO did get assessed but I have no idea what happened there, except he was released.

He came to the house with a police escort to get his car and clean clothes. He was very apologetic and said sorry for what he had done. However, I didn't like the look he flashed at me after he asked if I was going to the city as I had planned to do before all this and I replied that I was staying here. Anger,that he couldn't come back to stay at the house till after Wednesday, right after the most sincere 'appearing' apology. A bit frightening.

I did check out that Safety article. I noted that it said not to keep the attack a secret, which I haven't. His family and my family know.

I am clearer (a little) about the Wednesday court. This is to get one of those prevention orders called a different name here, which will probably be that he not allowed to drink alcohol at the house. Plus I can ask for mediation for us both together, which I will do to resolve the builder issue with someone present.

The main case of assault will go to court at a later date.

I am pretty sure that this relationship is over. I can't see him staying after all this. The shame will be too much for him plus I can't see me ever not being painted black. It will become "she made me do it" and I won't stand for that. Very sad as we were doing quite well but this builder incident has shown up so much of his disorder to me that even apart from the violence I can't really see myself wanting to be with him any more. Very very sad.

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babyducks
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« Reply #14 on: September 13, 2015, 06:58:55 AM »

hi townhouse,

I'm glad you checked in with us today.  thank you for that.

its also good to hear that you are feeling a little calmer.  I suspect you will be feeling the fallout from this for quite a while.

In the Safety article it talks about having a safety plan.   A bag packed and kept in the car trunk out of sight.  A spare set of keys hidden outside the house.   Credit cards and important papers either moved off to a safe place or at the ready.   The most difficult time to have a safety plan is when you are preparing to leave.  It's also when you need it the most.   You can never have too many resources to help you.   I encourage you to reach out at to every option.

I am pretty sure that this relationship is over. I can't see him staying after all this. The shame will be too much for him plus I can't see me ever not being painted black. It will become "she made me do it" and I won't stand for that. Very sad as we were doing quite well but this builder incident has shown up so much of his disorder to me that even apart from the violence I can't really see myself wanting to be with him any more. Very very sad.

I understand.   You gave your all.   Sometimes there is nothing more you can do.   If our partners choose to not join us in making the relationship better, then it sometimes reaches a point of letting go.   Put your wellbeing and happiness first. 

While you walk through this we can continue to support you.   Keep coming back and posting.

'ducks
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« Reply #15 on: September 13, 2015, 09:39:29 PM »

He came to the house with a police escort to get his car and clean clothes. He was very apologetic and said sorry for what he had done. However, I didn't like the look he flashed at me after he asked if I was going to the city as I had planned to do before all this and I replied that I was staying here. Anger,that he couldn't come back to stay at the house till after Wednesday, right after the most sincere 'appearing' apology. A bit frightening.

I'm very sorry that you're in this situation, townhouse. However, it sounds like you're seeing things clearly and using your full sensory abilities without being blinded by desire to continue with the status quo. Being there is incredibly painful, but in the long run, it's worse to live in delusion and false hope. I've been there too. Things do get better. Here's some cyber hugs for you.    Cat
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« Reply #16 on: September 16, 2015, 03:50:14 AM »

I can't begin to express my utter feelings of despair at the situation I now find my self in.

How I have admired many posters here and their situations. Maroon Liquid with his patience and learning. And Ptilda how "The long walk home" really sums up the way some of us must come to terms with our partners inflicted with BPD

We went to court and a prevention order is now in place. But really it's not necessary as he prefers to be gone.

The following is an excerpt from an email I received from him after talking to him after court. I have deleted matters to do with the house, needless to say he wants nothing to do with it because being there is now too disturbing for him. May I also add that the whole idea to build was his, he talked me into it.

                 -------

Hi TOWNHOUSE

Yes I take in all you said and also want to express my deep affection for you and yes I do love you TOWNHOUSE

The monster in me has been has been allowed to see the light of day - the shadow that I don't want to own is there - managing it with alcohol where it been allowed to become destructive has been a very difficult task and not  helpful to us.

In every way you have been absolutely marvellous with me and a lot of my crazy thinking and stuff.  I don't think I could ever get someone who is so understanding and accepting. I thank you for this and want to continue to be supportive of each other. You honour me in so many ways and I hope I honour you as well.

I would like to think that we are different and can still love each other - at this stage I feel I am too vulnerable and fear a quick return to my old and non productive ways if we just get back together again.

What I did to you. I have thought over this period of why I could treat you so very poorly and  what bitterness lies in my heart to do what I did to a warm loving woman. How come I did this?  I am not sure of the answer at this time -  and maybe I have even thought I don't like women, also I have an inkling my parents had a destructive relationship and maybe I have used this as a model of behaviour in seeking or wrestling with forces of power and control.  Also I do think the metoprolol tartrate tablets have gouged a deep channel of negativity in my neural pathways and this fuelled with the beer has been a very destructive force.  I feel so much better without the beer.

I think this crisis situation we have been through will lead to something better for both of us. I am sure it will lead to something substantial and deeper than what appears now to be a drifting apart.   We both have much to gain by being together in ways we both want to work for us, and I for one really don't want to let our "relationship" just drift off into the haze.

             --------

So it would seem I have an aware of himself and functioning EX partner. My heartfelt validation and SET seems to have got through to him, but it is all to late for "us". In a way , I wish he was still painting me black, it would be easier. Do I have the patience to wait to see if he feels like coming home... .I really don't know. I guess I'll finish the houses and get on with my life.

Can anyone offer their opinion and observations on his email and help me explore what to do.
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« Reply #17 on: September 16, 2015, 05:45:40 AM »

hi townhouse,

I have a slightly different take on this.

I see someone overwhelmed with guilt and shame.   He's fearful because he doesn't understand what happened, and is casting about looking for a cause.    He has a glimmer it's something in him.   Maybe the tablets, maybe his parents relationship, either way he doesn't understand it.  He feels confused, uncertain and is backing away in fear.

Can you tell us more about the prevention order?

'ducks
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townhouse
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« Reply #18 on: September 16, 2015, 07:19:58 AM »

Hello baby ducks.

The prevention order states that he must not

1.   Commit family violence against the protected person.

(This is defined as physically or sexually abusive, emotionally or psychologically abusive, economically abusive, threatening, coercive or in any other way controls or dominates a family member and causes that person to fear for their safety or well being... .I've reduced the wording.

2.  Intentionally damage any property of the protected person or threaten to do so

3.  Will not consume alcohol or be affected by alcohol at ... .(our address)

This is the third time in 3 years he's wanted to end the relationship. Always with external heavy stress. 1st time was working at a place he hated. 2nd and 3rd building these houses. First and second times he made me leave. Third time, this time he's out and off.

Will write more later.

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« Reply #19 on: September 16, 2015, 07:16:43 PM »

hi townhouse,

thanks for the explanation,   I understand better now.

how is going with you today?   how do you feel?   would you still like to explore what to do?   

'ducks

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« Reply #20 on: September 17, 2015, 12:15:43 AM »

Still on the roller coaster.

He has phoned me today and now wants to come back. I know it is against advice . That once they have committed violence it is more likely to happen again But if I don't take the chance, I know I will regret it forever.

I have the prevention order. He goes to prison if he gets violent again.

He knows something is wrong with him beyond the drinking he wants to talk about everything How much do I say? I would like to mention in my own way about being painted black and white. What do you think.?
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« Reply #21 on: September 17, 2015, 01:01:54 AM »

th,

The order expired today, right?

The cops are trained to resolve immediate threats, which they did. As you said, however, there's more to it than some drunken guy being violenot and suicidal, which is just what they see.

You've read the safety article. You've not hidden what he did, which is good.

It sounds like you might be in a kind of limbo now, however. Have you connected with local DV support resources, even anonymously, to explore options? It sounds like the cops and the courts are leaving this to you to handle right now.

Turkish
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« Reply #22 on: September 17, 2015, 01:22:49 AM »

Sorry about the confusion. The first order was temporary issued by the police... .not to be within 200 meters of the house or 5 meters from me without a police person present. This covered the first few traumatic days when he had to come to the house to get some stuff.

The 2nd order was given by the court as outlined and is valid for 12 months.
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« Reply #23 on: September 17, 2015, 01:36:20 AM »

What are the boundaries of the second order?
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« Reply #24 on: September 17, 2015, 05:40:08 AM »

Still on the roller coaster.

He has phoned me today and now wants to come back. I know it is against advice . That once they have committed violence it is more likely to happen again But if I don't take the chance, I know I will regret it forever.

I have the prevention order. He goes to prison if he gets violent again.

He knows something is wrong with him beyond the drinking he wants to talk about everything How much do I say? I would like to mention in my own way about being painted black and white. What do you think.?

Hi townhouse,

This is tough stuff.  There is a lot on the table here.   I am wondering about what you haven't much mentioned in your posts here yet.   How comfortable do you feel with him now?  Do you feel safe and secure?   You said if you don't take the chance you will regret it forever.   Is there perhaps a way to protect your emotional and physical safety while you work through your feelings?   while you work on getting off the roller coaster?  You have been through a lot.   It seems reasonable to think about this for a couple of days.

My suggestion is that you carefully think through your boundaries, what exactly you will tolerate, and what you won't.   very very specifically.  Take your time and go slow.

You mentioned he wants to talk.   How do you feel about that?   Do you feel ready?   Turkish mentioned the local DV support resources.   That is an excellent idea.   Talking to some one in real time will be a big help.   I hope you give them a call.

Your partner has been escalating for a while, since the building project started, how much or little you say to him will depend on how stable you gauge him to be. 

remember to take care of yourself first.

'ducks

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« Reply #25 on: September 17, 2015, 09:40:12 AM »

Townhouse,

I totally agree with babyducks and Turkish. As a former domestic violence victim, I'm glad that you've involved the authorities and I recommend that you reach out to all the support services available in your area.

I was in a DV marriage for years and I was so ashamed that I never told anyone. At that time, there weren't the resources that are available nowadays. Just like we've seen here on this board, some of these patterns are so consistent that it's really helpful to seek advice from those who have an overview of many different histories.

I understand wanting to give him another chance, but please take things slowly. I think he needs to marinate in the feelings he's experienced from what he did. Consequences are a valuable teaching tool. Please let him experience that for a while before you let him back in.

Cat   
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« Reply #26 on: September 17, 2015, 08:54:48 PM »

He knows something is wrong with him beyond the drinking he wants to talk about everything How much do I say? I would like to mention in my own way about being painted black and white. What do you think.?

Townhouse,

First of all... .    

For what you have experienced... .hang in there ...

Please focus on his actions... not his words or requests... .

So... .what verifiable steps is he taking to address his issues?

Do you have a local counselor or T that you go to? 

My hope is that you and that counselor... .maybe with help of others on here... can work out a word track that says something to the effect of... .

You will consider the future of the r/s after you evaluate how his treatment for Domestic Violence and "other issues" (need to work on wording) has gone...

There are times when validation and "soft sell" are appropriate... .now is not one of them... .

He will either deal with this... .or not... .

Again... .  

FF
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« Reply #27 on: September 19, 2015, 06:50:29 AM »

Over the past couple of days he phoned me to tell me he wants to talk, kept telling me he loved me.

Didn't hear from him yesterday but this morning he came to the house. From the minute I saw him I knew it was a mistake him being there. He said that all the positivity he had before was gone and he was now having negative thoughts again. He said if he could stay for a few days respite and then he'd go if I wanted him to.

He was very tired and I set him up in another room (not our shared bedroom) and left him to sleep for a couple of hours. When he woke up he said he felt better but actually he was worse. He now started saying that he had every right to be here. That I couldn't get him out. He was no longer apologetic but was almost aggressive . I was saying can we talk about things and he said he didn't want to talk and if I persisted in trying to make him talk He would get a prevention order "as is my right" and have me removed from the house.

He has put aside what he did and is now fixated on painting me black for getting the prevention order. He said it in such a dysregulated manner that I didn't feel safe so I quickly packed a bag and left.

He has changed me from black to white to black again and as I knew but foolishly refused to accept he is blaming me and trying to control the very words I say.

This feels really bad.

Anyway, I am now 4 hours drive away and totally safe. I am exhausted and hope to rest and recover for a week at least. I didn't want to leave the house... .it shows he does have power over me, that he can behave as he does and get away with it but I have to feel safe.

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« Reply #28 on: September 19, 2015, 09:50:00 AM »

  I didn't want to leave the house... . it shows he does have power over me, that he can behave as he does and get away with it but I have to feel safe.

I disagree... .it shows you were tactically smart for the moment you were in.

Rule number 1 when you are in DV situation... .think about safety... .  Safety is way more important that a house... .being right... .etc etc

Now... let's back up a bit... .do you have a local DV counselor or resource that you are plugged into.  Someone familiar with local resources, laws, court systems... .all that?  Critical that you get plugged into a local support system... .

We are here for you but the "virtual" element of this means that a lot of nuance will be missed... .

OK... .so... .you seem to have good instincts... .you knew it was bad when he showed up.  Trust your instincts.


Now... .we need to be smart about your next moves.  Get sleep... .rest... .think... .then we need to reclaim your home and set boundaries... .

We need to be smart about taking back your power.

Do you have a copy of your protection order?  Please keep one with you at all times.

Many 911 systems allow for extra documents or instructions to be scanned into people's property records.

So... .if a call comes from 123 Townhouse drive... .they will be alerted and read the protection order.  You will have to ask to find out... .might be something to think of.

Note:  I have my parents medical information stored in their 911 record... .also instructions on how to gain entry if needed... .without having to batter down the front door.   

Just something to think about...

 

Hang in there...

FF

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« Reply #29 on: September 19, 2015, 09:51:35 AM »

 

My hope is that you can ask your local DV support system the best way to get him out of the house... and get you back in.

Change locks once you are back in.  Check all windows to be locked... .etc etc...

FF
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