Devastated

[Depression = 72% of members]

My uBPDh asked me to save a file on his computer tonight. While doing this I saw a file with my name on it. I opened it and found it was a letter he wrote to his lawyer a year ago when I left because of his drinking all day, every day and physical and verbal attacks. He went through an abuse counseling program after this and I came back because I had a baby and didn't feel comfortable with leaving the baby or our other children with him alone.

The letter was unbelievable! It was a lie from start to finish. Said I go to the bar every night. I am 48  years old and have been to a bar 1 time in my whole life! I don't even drink. The insane tales went on and on for several paragraphs. I knew he would try to make me look bad, but I never imagined this. At the time I didn't have money for a lawyer (still don't) so I agreed to joint custody so he wouldn't take me to court because I knew I couldn't defend myself.

Things had been bearable for a while until he painted me black last week, out of the blue. I had even been doing OK with that until today. Now this letter.  I am devastated. I thought I was protecting my children by staying, but maybe I am setting us all up for disaster. I have no idea how to deal with this.

Thank you for these boards and all who take the time to post here! It has helped me keep what little bit is left of my sanity.

[LilMe]

My uBPDh asked me to save a file on his computer tonight. While doing this I saw a file with my name on it. I opened it and found it was a letter he wrote to his lawyer a year ago when I left because of his drinking all day, every day and physical and verbal attacks. He went through an abuse counseling program after this and I came back because I had a baby and didn't feel comfortable with leaving the baby or our other children with him alone.

The letter was unbelievable! It was a lie from start to finish. Said I go to the bar every night. I am 48  years old and have been to a bar 1 time in my whole life! I don't even drink. The insane tales went on and on for several paragraphs. I knew he would try to make me look bad, but I never imagined this. At the time I didn't have money for a lawyer (still don't) so I agreed to joint custody so he wouldn't take me to court because I knew I couldn't defend myself.

Things had been bearable for a while until he painted me black last week, out of the blue. I had even been doing OK with that until today. Now this letter.  I am devastated. I thought I was protecting my children by staying, but maybe I am setting us all up for disaster. I have no idea how to deal with this.

Thank you for these boards and all who take the time to post here! It has helped me keep what little bit is left of my sanity.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Darkcloud]

    Hello lilme

My situation is almost like you , my fiancé would smoke pot all day instead of drinking. We have a 9 month old child . He has become physically abuse toward me so I took my son to a hotel now staying with friends . I told him he needs to go get some therapy for anger management and abuse. Or else I will not come back . He is trying to do everything now for me to come back . But when we had fight he would say all kind of nasty things about me to his friend which mostly made up. But just my thought I think that people with BPD do that to make themselves feel better , because you hurt them by leaving them so try not to take it personal . You can try to read the tools here it's help a lot. You have to learn about BPD behavior and tools to deal with if you want to stay in the relationship . Try to spend more time with your kids and do things that make you happy . And try to see a theraphy to help you deal with all this . Living with a BPD is hard you need to have strong emotion becuAse they are not . I hope this help

[Ceruleanblue]

Yeah, this seems typical. I just found out via the family grapevine, that BPDh's daughter has figured out that BPDh told them a lot of lies when we were separated. They too are sick of their Dad's lies, which is hilarious, as I've caught them in so many lies too! Dysfunction sure seems to get passed down to the kids.

I too was mad when I found out, and hurt, but really, why didn't I think he'd lie about me? He lies so often, even when he doesn't need to. Even when it just creates trust issues, and damage, and he knows it will. He even lies about things that make no sense to lie about.

Try to take it with a grain of salt. They lie because they are disordered. It doesn't make it alright, and I'm sure not all pwBPD lie. It's not a reflection on you, and those who know us well, know better. It stinks because those who don't know us well often believe the lies, but there isn't anything we can do about it, so try not to fret it.

[unicorn2014]

My uBPDh asked me to save a file on his computer tonight. While doing this I saw a file with my name on it. I opened it and found it was a letter he wrote to his lawyer a year ago when I left because of his drinking all day, every day and physical and verbal attacks. He went through an abuse counseling program after this and I came back because I had a baby and didn't feel comfortable with leaving the baby or our other children with him alone.

The letter was unbelievable! It was a lie from start to finish. Said I go to the bar every night. I am 48  years old and have been to a bar 1 time in my whole life! I don't even drink. The insane tales went on and on for several paragraphs. I knew he would try to make me look bad, but I never imagined this. At the time I didn't have money for a lawyer (still don't) so I agreed to joint custody so he wouldn't take me to court because I knew I couldn't defend myself.

Things had been bearable for a while until he painted me black last week, out of the blue. I had even been doing OK with that until today. Now this letter.  I am devastated. I thought I was protecting my children by staying, but maybe I am setting us all up for disaster. I have no idea how to deal with this.

Thank you for these boards and all who take the time to post here! It has helped me keep what little bit is left of my sanity.

I'm sorry you are going through this. Its a good reminder of what the pwBPD is capable of. That's called a distortion campaign and we are all vulnerable to them if we are in a relationship with a pwBPD. That's a very complicated issue. I hope you get the help you need here!

[LilMe]

Thanks for the input everyone. I am feeling a little better about it now. I shouldn't be surprised that he would lash out when feeling hurt and abandoned. And he was drinking heavily at the time. It affected me so badly because I was slammed in court before by outrageous lies that my ex 'proved'. He spent $20,000 on lawyers; I spent $1500. I was extremely traumatized and get panicked just thinking about it! The thought of lawyers and judges makes me physically sick. That is why I stay. And to protect my children.

Things are much better since finding this site and working through the lessons! I do feel beat down now and then. But overall, life is better for everyone than before I knew about BPD.