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Author Topic: Finding center  (Read 433 times)
ptilda
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« on: September 15, 2015, 10:58:51 AM »

How do I find my center when he's jumping from emotion to emotion? He is constantly wanting to meet "to talk." Then deregulates when we do talk. Then it's "never speak to me again." His idea of us talking is me "listening to his advice for once." But if I have ANY other opinion or don't immediately say "you're right," then he'll never speak with me again.

He wants to meet again "just to talk." Initial divorce hearing is in 2 days. I'm not in the mood to look at him. So I'm ignoring him.

I just need to find my center so I can stay consistent.
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babyducks
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« Reply #1 on: September 16, 2015, 07:26:21 PM »

hi ptilda,

I've been in your shoes.   pwBPD sometimes have trouble finding solutions to problems with their black and white thinking.   It's their way or the highway.  It all our fault and never theirs.   All the stuff you are so very familiar with.

So what to do.

I walk away.   I will listen once or twice to make sure I understand.  I will not engage in a circular argument and trust me, at this point I can spot them a mile away.  I will validate what I can.  I will nod serenely if I can.  I will say I heard what you said.   And leave and go do something else.   

It sounds silly but I center myself for this the same way as I center myself for a root canal at the dentist.   a couple of deep breaths, a long pause,... .a refocusing of my energy and attention on something pleasant, like the music in the background or the breeze.   

I have a finite amount of time/energy/attention, I use it sparely.   When I am not centered I have given to much of my time/energy/attention away.

'ducks
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formflier
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« Reply #2 on: September 19, 2015, 11:52:52 AM »

I have a finite amount of time/energy/attention, I use it sparely.  

A very important observation... .

Ptilda seems to be doing this as she realizes that she can't take his antics right now... and is ignoring him.


However... .with a hearing in 2 days that could be huge for the rest of the r/s... .might be wise to try to figure out a way to keep communications open.

Last thought... .work on centering yourself... .and focusing on yourself... .only look at your emotions... .

Instead of thinking about his emotions... .try to have a mindset to ignore "outside influences"... .of which he is one.

Try to not get specific about what outside stuff you will ignore.

Once you realize that you will not listen to people that blather on... .you can be even about how you apply that.

So... if you meet someone and they quickly get to a toxic subject in conversation... .you will excuse yourself in much the same manner as you would if that person is someone you have known for a long time... .or is your husband...

It's a "rule" about your life... .not about your husband.

Hope that helps with mindset.

FF
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bluesnail

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« Reply #3 on: September 19, 2015, 08:24:51 PM »

When I ignore my boyfriends "bad" behavior, walk away, hang up... .he gets majorally disturbed.  He cannot take it.  He also gets frantic if he thinks I'm "placating" him if my responses don't sound heart felt.  I'm not a good actor so it's really hard! 

but I've found it's best to stick around if I can.  I really think he is trying in his own way to communicate with me the best he can during these highly emotionally states.  I don't think he knows or remembers what he's saying, because when it's all over he is a totally different person.   
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formflier
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« Reply #4 on: September 20, 2015, 06:54:33 AM »

  I don't think he knows or remembers what he's saying, because when it's all over he is a totally different person.   

YEEEESSSS!

Most of the time this is correct... .

And... .this applies to you being there or not.

A "core issue" with most pwBPD traits is that they have a hard time soothing themselves.  If we stick around... .we become part of the equation to soothe.

Generally... .not a good idea...

Let them sort themselves out...

FF
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sangreal

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« Reply #5 on: September 20, 2015, 07:16:29 AM »

What I suspect is men who have this disorder are getting affected more by it since they know they have to stand up and be a man, but everytime they can't, they feel huge extreme shame even more so than females, so blame everything on you.

So I hope it works I think you may remind him that he is your man? I don't know it seems reasonable naturally so when you talk make him feel he is charge in your own way, but not as threatening his self.

I wish we had solved all these problems as the world is already much of a mess and will be even more severely in the near future. This is the time to stand together with the person you love with everything you have. Really.

Hope you work it out.
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Daniell85
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« Reply #6 on: September 20, 2015, 07:38:15 AM »

I recently came across a book about recovering from CPSTD by Pete Walker.

Something *really* resonated with me. He talks about emotional "flashbacks".

They are flashbacks on an emotional level ( probably self explanatory).

Basically a lot of BPD ( and other people who went through bad experiences) have complicated PTSD. And they are having flashbacks. That's why they seem like a different person, or the they don't recall what they said, and have a hard time taking on that maybe they did something extreme.

It has been an epiphany for me.

I originally picked up the book because I have been having terrible panic attacks for years. Recently started therapy to address this. Boy, it's been hard. My therapist has explained that many people, due to abuse or trauma have borderline traits. They are not a borderline, but the trauma can cause the terrible feelings or panic attacks.

By way of some helpful information maybe. I really recommend picking up the book. For me I got it from kindle, it was 8 dollars. It's been an amazing read. There are resources on this site for things like mindfulness and such. The book has a really strong component of that. Trying to cope with our BPD people... for me, at least, understanding gives me greater capacity and compassion for my boyfriend and myself ( which actually for myself is really helping)
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sangreal

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« Reply #7 on: September 20, 2015, 07:51:32 AM »

@Daniell, yeah

Many times I think they are like having a posession from a demon, literally. Their face, their look, their body lnguage completley changes as if you are not there, the world is not there, and as if you are the only enemy that needs to be destroyed.

But when I look on the good sides, the good traits, the good in them the bad stuff all goes away. Of course not every people is the same but this is what I experienced.
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babyducks
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« Reply #8 on: September 20, 2015, 08:21:29 AM »

Many times I think they are like having a possession from a demon, literally. Their face, their look, their body language completely changes as if you are not there, the world is not there, and as if you are the only enemy that needs to be destroyed.

hi sangreal,

what you are describing is a disassociated state.   Dissociation often occurs in response to experiencing a painful event (or experiencing something that triggers the memory of a painful event).    It involves the mind automatically redirecting attention away from that event.  It can include changes in body language and facial expression.  It's like zoning out but at a very intense level.    I find it helpful to think of it more like an epileptic having a seizure.   It can be frightening to watch.  It does require some a more careful response.   normally a time out with reassurance works for me.

'ducks
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sangreal

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« Reply #9 on: September 20, 2015, 08:35:10 AM »

Many times I think they are like having a possession from a demon, literally. Their face, their look, their body language completely changes as if you are not there, the world is not there, and as if you are the only enemy that needs to be destroyed.

hi sangreal,

what you are describing is a disassociated state.   Dissociation often occurs in response to experiencing a painful event (or experiencing something that triggers the memory of a painful event).    It involves the mind automatically redirecting attention away from that event.  It can include changes in body language and facial expression.  It's like zoning out but at a very intense level.    I find it helpful to think of it more like an epileptic having a seizure.   It can be frightening to watch.  It does require some a more careful response.   normally a time out with reassurance works for me.

'ducks

Yes. When that happens I become completely calm and still and try to sooth them as much as I can. It usually lasts couple minutes or so and when they see I am soothing them, they slowly become calm too. This is when empathy works the most when they rage.

Whats ironic is, their most extreme mode is in fact the most easiest to handle. While their passive aggressive mode is the most difficult to handle. Strange isn't it?
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