"Not even filed for divorce yet" (self-validation issues)

[unicorn2014]

I've been working through my issues, from not caring, to forgiving, to self-validating, which is where I am at today.

I've seen a few members talk about pwBPD who propose while still married to another person, or people who date while still married to another person, so I figured I'd start my own thread on this subject.

I'm engaged and have been engaged to a pwBPD for three years who has been going through a divorce since I've met him. He was married when I met him and didn't tell me because he knew I wouldn't speak to him if I knew he was married. I had problems with married men before. So I fell in love with him not knowing he was married, even though I had asked him outright if he was, which he denied. It wasn't until his wife introduced herself to me that I found out he was married but by then it was too late, I was already in love. That was 3 years ago.

Today he is going through a divorce which she is contesting and I'm trying to be as supportive as I can while dealing with my feelings of irritation and annoyance at being in this situation in the first place. Its very hard for me not to accept that I allowed this to happen to me but that was three years ago and a lot has changed since then.

I just thought I'd open this thread up for anyone else who wanted to talk about these issues or who could relate. When I try to talk about these issues with anybody outside these boards of course their advice is always to leave which isn't helpful  since I'm trying to build a functional relationship  with this man.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Moselle]

Unicorn that sounds like a very difficult situation.

Is he aware of the distress he is causing for you?

[unicorn2014]

Unicorn that sounds like a very difficult situation.

Is he aware of the distress he is causing for you?

Yes he is which is why he's resumed his policy of not telling about his divorce process or his soon to be ex wife. He's apologized many times and asked for my forgiveness. I learned recently it's not forgiveness I need to be working on its self validation, so that's what I'm trying to do. I didn't come to him with my boundaries intact so I am working on those now.

[Moselle]

Unicorn,

Those are two powerful things. Validation and boundary maintenance.

I've realised more than ever that we can feel safe when we maintain our boundaries.

These things will untimately bring seld respect.

[unicorn2014]

Unicorn,

Those are two powerful things. Validation and boundary maintenance.

I've realised more than ever that we can feel safe when we maintain our boundaries.

These things will untimately bring seld respect.

Yes that is the aspect of interpersonal effectiveness I struggle the most with, self respect, or FAST. Thank you for your response. I am patiently awaiting my fiancé's divorce to be granted. He knows how I feel about the whole affair.

[letmeout]

Not to burst your bubble but you might want to think about this:

My best friend learned after her boyfriend of 2 years finally got divorced and  married her that the phrase 'once a cheater, always a cheater' happens to be very true. This is especially true for folks with disordered personality issues.

[unicorn2014]

Not to burst your bubble but you might want to think about this:

My best friend learned after her boyfriend of 2 years finally got divorced and  married her that the phrase 'once a cheater, always a cheater' happens to be very true. This is especially true for folks with disordered personality issues.

I think I wasn't clear. He had been living with his wife in a roommate relationship 8 years prior to my meeting him. In other words same house different beds. Cheating wasn't  the issue. Lying about being married was the issue. He asked her to leave the day after I found out he was married. I'm just upset with myself for not stopping it then with good boundaries because now things have gotten very complicated. As long as I don't wear my engagement ring in social situations where people know me well enough to ask me if I got married, I'm fine.

[Moselle]

Yes that is the aspect of interpersonal effectiveness I struggle the most with.

Well you're in good company here . Starting with me

Experiment with it. Its amazing how boundary defence builds it. Saying "No" to someone, often means saying "Yes" to ourselves.

[unicorn2014]

Yes that is the aspect of interpersonal effectiveness I struggle the most with.

Well you're in good company here . Starting with me

Experiment with it. Its amazing how boundary defence builds it. Saying "No" to someone, often means saying "Yes" to ourselves.

Yes so here's one of the things I'm dealing with. I asked him to show me his papers that he filed for divorce and he refused telling me I should take his word for it. This has been going on 3 months I've been waiting to see these papers now. It kind of ruins the whole relationship when I know behind his "I love you, you're great, I really enjoy spending time with you, you're special, I'm in love with you" is the fact that he still hasn't given me what I've asked for because "his word should be good enough". It kind of makes all his praise and compliments ring hollow and if I dare mention it he dysregulates all over me. I kind of feel like a prisoner in my relationship where he gets to dictate the emotional climate. He would say I have a resentment going, I'm sure.

[Moselle]

What are your values/boundaries?

[unicorn2014]

What are your values/boundaries?

he can't stay with me again until I see that he filed for divorce.

[Daniell85]

You can go to the county courthouse of the county he is in and ask to see the filing. They are not private. Sometimes you can look at this stuff online, too.

He asked her to move out? Did she?

How long ago was this?

I was reading somewhere on another forum about relationships that start out with one partner deceiving the other about being married. It's an emotional defrauding.

[unicorn2014]

You can go to the county courthouse of the county he is in and ask to see the filing. They are not private. Sometimes you can look at this stuff online, too.

He asked her to move out? Did she?

How long ago was this?

I was reading somewhere on another forum about relationships that start out with one partner deceiving the other about being married. It's an emotional defrauding.

Thank you, I can't go to the courthouse as its in another state but I will call tomorrow. He asked her to move out three years ago and she did and he sold the house. I would be interested in the link to that forum if you have it.

When I asked him if he was married he said to me "would a married woman let her husband talk to another woman this way?" At the time I didn't know that was a ruse so it flew right under my radar. By the time she introduced herself to me via text under his name as a ploy to get to me it was already too late, I was hooked. She assumed I knew who she was and when I said I didn't she couldn't believe it. Its been a very long convoluted story. I appreciate the lack of judgment here on bpdfamily.com because if I told anybody else about this they would tell me to run for my life. Well, that's kind of hard to do when you're engaged and your teen sees this person as her stepfather.