I feel like I'm going crazy.

[misuniadziubek]

I guess my partner was trying to be nice in some way. He called me up this morning. Except I'm on 4 hours of sleep because lately I can't sleep or I sleep 11 hours at a time and can't wake up.

I'm super emotional too. Very susceptible to tears.

Conversation starts with him getting annoyed cause my connection is dropping out. So I call him from a different phone. He comments how I didn't invite him to a Skype call last nightwith our mutual friend, who's ironically a dx'd borderline. I tell him that I thought he was sleeping since he had not answered any of my texts. He's like, well it's not like you checked. I was up pretty early this morning. He ends up getting increasingly angry with me, saying 'glad I have a gf who can turn my joke into a fight and get me wound up. I was trying to call to start your day off nicely but I'm the one who's having a sh*tty day now.' Then he hangs up on me. I burst into tears. I feel like crap.

Not because I feel like I'm at fault, no, he's absolutely gaslighting and projecting, but because I can't handle this at all today. I really can't handle anything at all. I try to call him after ten minutes to see if he's calm down, but mostly for selfish reasons, because I really can't stand fighting in the morning. No can do. He answers with an angry 'what' and hangs up again.

And then I do the silly. Mostly because I feel too much. I message him, telling him that it's pretty bs that I have to start my day in tears for the second day in a row. That he left me feeling like absolute cr*p first thing in the morning by hanging up on me like that.

I'm so angry, upset, frustrated, especially with him. All of this feels like the same old cycles we used to perpetuate. Constant frustration, disappointment. Never ending dysregulation.And I'm not in a stable enough state to handle any of it. Everything feels terrible all at once. Things felt really good for a few months.

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[an0ught]

Hi misuniadziubek,

some days are a lot harder .

Often we know when need to be treated well to do better. Usually when we need to tell others to treat us better we are in a shape that makes us not very effective communicators. If is really one of these things where when it rains it pours and it is not fair at all. But that is life and boundaries i.e. rules for ourselves while not fixing the universe can limit the damage that is done during these more difficult times.

And then I do the silly. Mostly because I feel too much. I message him, telling him that it's pretty bs that I have to start my day in tears for the second day in a row. That he left me feeling like absolute cr*p first thing in the morning by hanging up on me like that.

You two were escalating. Would a continuation of the call made matters better or was there not also a risk more damage would have been done?

Take good care of yourself. Lack of sleep will wear the most balanced person down

[kairorose]

I can totally relate! My bfwBPD drives me crazy in the morning! he gets up at 6am for work, he has almost like a ritual; he needs to get up, vent and b___ then smoke weed before he calms himself down enough to go to work. I get the rant call every morning, I feel like I am his emotional punching bag also Its my fault in a way cuz I didn't set enough boundaries. I am learning to set them b/c its taking care of myself... .

[bluesnail]

I find that if work has gone bad that day, or if he's hungry, or tired, WATCH OUT!

But he's really good after exercise, like if he can go bike riding or climbing, it puts him in a better mood.  He does pretty well in the mornings, but I think it's cause he drinks a lot of coffee. 

I know how you feel about going crazy.  It's so messed up when he accuses me of things that I am not doing, thinking, saying... .  It's so complicated I feel like I'm in his weird messed up brain in a maze or something.