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Author Topic: First post on a BPD forum  (Read 381 times)
BarbHH

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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Posts: 9


« on: September 16, 2015, 01:53:44 PM »

Hi,

I'm 37, leave in Germany (although I am nor German) and my husband presents all BPD symptoms. He's started a schema therapy 6 weeks ago, and we are now awaiting the results of the tests he took, although his therapist did say it does seem to be BPD (+ narcissist behaviour).

When we met, 3 years ago, it was like a dream, the man straight out of my dreams. Everything was so wonderful, and went so fast: we were engaged after 3 months and married after 11. In reality, although I didn't want to see them, there were already strong signs that something was not "quite right", such as extreme jealousy, being incredibly possessive, which he explained as a lack of confidence.

Anyway, it's started getting worse and worse, and me being a strong woman with strong believes and opinions have just made the matter worse.

But still, he was so lovely and wonderful, and exceptional. But he became more and more difficult, and sometimes entered real rages. He also seemed to think double standards were just fine (in his advantage of course). So, I wasn't free to do everything I wanted, but he should be able to do so. It became very clear in the days just before the wedding, so we agreed that he would seek treatment after the honeymoon (which was hell by the way).

He did a therapy, but not with a specialist, just with with a therapist that was covered by our insurance and conveniantly situated, and worst of all, he didn't tell him the whole truth, like he had been physically abusive with me.

We then moved to another city where he had taken a new job, against my will (or should I say that he forced my consent with verbal and physical abuse, as well as with emotional blackmail).

He can go from fine, loving and happy to raging in a second for reasons that seem totally ridiculous to me (to be frank, I usually just can't understand his thread of thoughts), such as I disagreed on something (extremely minor to me) which is taken by him as the greatest of offences and then he goes bonkers (bangs his head against the walls, punches himself in the face, rolls on the floor like a toddler having a fit, insulting me -"get out of my sight you b___, lick my a... .you ass... ." etc - or even hurting me physically. And always saying I am so mean that he wants to kill himself. He also tends to hear someting very different from what I say. For example, I may say "I think you're a little aggressive right now" and he might answer "stop telling me all the time I am the ___tiest person ever" and there's no way to make him understand the difference between something punctual (you are being a little aggressive right now) and my global judgement on him as a person. I've tried to make him repeat my exact words but it just gets him angrier.

He also seems totally uninterested in my feelings. I am now extremely depressed by the situation and have the feeling I have totally lost touched with myself. To the extent that my therapist as said it is imperative that I leave for at least 2 months, either to stay far away with friends or family, or even in a clinic if I prefer, to "reconstruct myself". Even those news were of no interest to him, whereas every little thing, even rather insignificant, on his side, has to be taken with the greatest concern by me, or he will take it as an insult.

He makes a huge scene everytime my friends and family come to visit for a few days, or every time to go to France to visit them.

Still, I do not doubt that he loves me, but the abuse and the lack of empathy is just too much for me. I am the one getting sick. I have now renounced to have a kid at any time soon, but at 37, I don't really have time to waste.

It did seem to be getting better, but we had a disagreement over something small a few weeks ago and he entered in a right tantrum, so much that I had to fly to France for a couple of weeks until it was safe for me to come back.

Now, I am scared, I still love the "real" him, but I hate the guts of the other him, and the frustration is unspeakable. I am always the guilty one, if he gets extemely angry, he can admit his reaction was not good but always insists that it is my bad behavious that has triggered it. Hence, I should just act differently and everything would be fine.

His Dad is most probably also affected by BPD and is quite tyranic, while his Mum was always extremely weak. He therefore grew up in a family with a father that has always denigrated his sons, and has always been extremely stric (and cannot stand not being the center of the attention, especially of his wife), and a mother who has never apposed any kind of strict rules or put any limits to her children's behavious (even selling drugs at home was fine). His brother is most probably also affecter (15 years of hard drugs addiction, wife beater history, weird sexual behaviour, gambling etc). At leas my husband has a successful carreer and social life, so maybe he's not as bad as them and can be saved (or should I say can save himself).

So, to other people who are not in this situation, the answer is clear: I should leave him. But to you out there, who maybe understand the situation better, do you think there is any hope? If he really suffers form BPD (and are you thoughts about that?), is he still accountable for his extremely aggressive attitude?

Sorry this message is so long, I just have so much on my cheast. Thanks for your attention.
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babyducks
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Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Gay, lesb
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 2920



« Reply #1 on: September 16, 2015, 07:13:44 PM »

Hi BarbHH,

Welcome to bpdfamily.  This website is designed to support us, to encourage and educate us.   We understand the situation you are describing because all of us have been there, some to lesser degrees, some to more.

You might have already noticed there is a tremendous amount of information on this site.   The very best place to start learning is the box on the right hand side of your screen.   It's the lessons and it contains all the helpful links in one spot.   Those links lead to other links so dive right in.   

Staying in our relationships is uniquely personal decision based on our own individual circumstances.   We can help you learn about BPD.  We can help you learn communication skills and tools like validation and boundaries.   We can share our own experiences so that the decision you make is made with all the information at your finger tips.

You mentioned physical abuse.   I'm concerned that you have a safety plan.  That is also in the links on the right hand side of the page.   Could you take a second and click on that link and review it ?   

I'm glad you posted here.   I'm looking forward to reading more from you.

'ducks 
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What lies behind us and what lies ahead of us are tiny matters compared to what lives within us.
BarbHH

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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Posts: 9


« Reply #2 on: September 17, 2015, 03:16:25 AM »

Thanks for your reply Ducks, I check that link immediately.
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