Is it patronizing to praise BPD behavioral improvements?

[budi.sudaryo]

Hello,

Is it a good idea to praise someone with BPD like,

"You did great by waiting for yourself to calm down before speaking to me."

"I appreciate your apologizing for the unkind words."

I'm just afraid it'd sound patronizing to them. FYI, this person is aware of her BPD and currently in DBT.

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[Raska]

I think it is a wonderful idea, as we all need acknowledgement from time to time that our efforts are appreciated. However, I feel it's important to be mindful of not overpraising and not making a big deal out of it, or it may in fact sound patronising (or fake), as you mentioned. Personally, I usually make a semi-casual and brief statement and say something like "By the way, thank you for your apology. It means a lot."  And then something like "Love you." and a tight hug or a peck on the cheek. Then I go about my business.

I guess this would also depend on the situation, the amount of effort exerted and in which circumstances. For me, it's important to find the balance between communicating my appreciation but not making him feel like I am watching his every move.

[an0ught]

Hi budi.sudaryo,

this is a good question and my gut feel is similar to yours and I would say - the examples you are giving are patronizing.

I think it is a wonderful idea, as we all need acknowledgement from time to time that our efforts are appreciated. However, I feel it's important to be mindful of not overpraising and not making a big deal out of it, or it may in fact sound patronising (or fake), as you mentioned. Personally, I usually make a semi-casual and brief statement and say something like "By the way, thank you for your apology. It means a lot."  And then something like "Love you." and a tight hug or a peck on the cheek. Then I go about my business.

I guess this would also depend on the situation, the amount of effort exerted and in which circumstances. For me, it's important to find the balance between communicating my appreciation but not making him feel like I am watching his every move.

Exactly, fake is no good and invalidating and btw. Raska. As you say avoiding that the pwBPD feels controlled is important. Physical contact combined with a well targeted validating message can often be a powerful move 


The way I see this is the pwBPD is working through changes. These are difficult changes, some are painful and some other are just darn difficult as they go against all their long developed instincts.

Speaking of instincts I strongly believe that we tend to want to recover our love and want to be loved but in these relationship we have to focus on recovering respect first and foremost. Boundaries are super critical.

Praise is a tricky thing. While it sounds good and possibly gives us a fuzzy feeling it also is judgment. Judgment is liked to power and control - thus can easily be patronizing. In real life(tm) this does not matter but we are living in a world where minor details can matter a lot.

What is important

- they are doing it for themselves. We must leave ownership by them.

- judgment is problematic - perceiving and reflecting back is generally validating and better

If in doubt I would always go with SET. This is good stuff and we want to get the message though  

S: Hey, I really wanted to let you know <important here: with positive voice tone to signal that the next sentence - which is referring to past conflict - is not belligrent>

E: it wasn't easy for you to apologize

T: it made a big difference to me.

[Anise]

No matter who it is, positive reinforcement works!

But especially for BPD, I think we have to be careful with tone and how our appreciation might be interpreted.  It needs to come from "the right place" so as not to seem manipulative or sarcastic.

One thing I like to do, which I guess is SET-like without the label, is state why I like the behavior.  "Thank you for doing _____ , it really helped me out." "I appreciated that you _______ because it makes me feel ________."

[unicorn2014]

Budi, the way you are phrasing things sound fine to me. One of my former therapists was trying to get me to allow my wBPD to regulate himself. It took me a long time to get to the point where I could do that and recently I was able to. After the incident I praised him for being able to regulate himself. My pwBPD is afraid I'm going to disengage with him, I have read many places that one of the problems with praise with people wBPD is they think they will be abandoned if they get better. How do you think your partner will respond to this?

[maxsterling]

Yes, it can be.  And I have been accused of being patronizing at times. 

I think you need to be careful of the context.   If the pwBPD is asking for feedback, by all means be honest.  I would also avoid giving praise for everyday things that healthy adults do for themselves.  Regarding behavior issues (per your example), I think you can give positive encouragement without sounding like praise.

"Hey, that was a stressful issue you just handled - and you got through it."

"I've noticed that we are communicating better these days.  I think that is great."