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Author Topic: BPD wife cured  (Read 437 times)
ZigZiglar
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Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Relationship status: Married, living apart for now
Posts: 53


« on: September 16, 2015, 08:08:46 PM »

Hello all,

I haven't been active on the forums for a long time. I had reached the point where I had settled for "mostly content" in my relationship with my wife and just agreed to disagree (in my mind) that the turmoil of our past was a dead even 50/50 split of culpability. I've logged back in to share some of my story and offer any help to anyone else, as things have improved even beyond "mostly content" now and I have been able to fully forgive my wife (which is a very important part of the healing process for both involved). It was impossible for me to fully and genuinely forgive my wife when I knew that she didn't even understand what I was forgiving her for.

Before I touch upon her recovery, I just want to mention that it is very easy to fool oneself into believing one is coping when one is most certainly not coping at all! After my wife had her lightbulb moment of self-reflection, my body and mind let go of the past 5 years of suffering and I had my first ever conscious panic attack. It lasted around 3 hours, during which time I was completely paralyzed; unable to move, unable to speak, unable to even cry. Tears dripped out at their own will, but every inch of my will power was focused on not losing my mind. It felt like the final boss battle between my sanity and losing it. Well I won, but not without paying a price.

According to my medical support network, I have extreme anxiety disorder. A lot of it is still subconscious, as over the years I grew accustomed to ignoring my own mental health in order to hold the family fort. Having come to terms with it now, a lot more of it is NOT subconscious - I often have to snap myself out of ruminative thought patterns and I often have to practice the very same self control techniques that my wife is now a master of (DBT and CBT). The majority of my anxiety, however, is being offloaded by my automatic SNS (sympathetic nervous system), manifesting as ticks/twitches. The day after the severe panic attack I went and saw my GP and he immediately noticed and became very concerned.

The point I'm making is - no one is immune, especially not me. Look after yourselves and don't be a fool in thinking you are coping better than you are. I have a long road ahead of me now.

Back to my wife ... .it's hard to know where to start, but let me reassure you all that I've been through hell getting to where I am in my relationship. It wasn't easy - far from it. My wife is not an exception to the typical BPD extremes you'd all be used to. I've been battered down into my own identity crises, deconstructed into a husk of a person ... .but I rebuilt myself, as did my wife. The one thing she has had going for her this whole time is a very open mind and an unusually grand sense of self-awareness. She was able to identify her lack of impulse control and recognise that she overreacted frequently. She even came to see when she was being "black and white". She even discovered for herself that she projected her fears of abandonment and self hatred onto her friends, often creating a cycle of worry (over-apologising to anger and back again).

This was slow going over the past 3-4 years. When I look back on the first couple of years (we've been together 6 years), she was a wild animal by comparison. I made just as many mistakes as she did back then - hence my present health. I was never able to connect with my children, as she took total control of how they were parented, and that killed me. Now, however, things are going great! My 4 year old has anxiety himself, but nothing we won't be able to work through.

6 weeks ago, we took her brother in (the second and LAST time) to give him a chance at rehabilitation from an Ice addiction (crystal methamphetamine). I identified in him BPD as well, but also a very bad case of NPD (Narcissism). He gutted us financially, eating us out of house and home, never paying board etc. etc. He even attempted to get us both addicted in order to fund his own addiction (they call this "pushing". My wife had been struggling immensely with the housework and parenting (me being at work full time) and the place was like a herd of elephants had stampeded through. She had taken to staying up very late (sometimes all night) trying to catch up, despite my best efforts to talk her down. Her brother took advantage of her vulnerability and offered her "speed" to help her get more down over night. I even joined her. We were both so dissociated that even illicit drugs didn't make our eyebrows rise. Turns out it wasn't speed though. Fortunately, we both realised it very quickly and never became addicted and we have been maintaining a drug free home for quite a while now - I've even gone completely off alcohol (looking back, I did use beer as a crutch).

Ice had the effect such that it allowed my wife to function without any of the scatter, dissociation, dysphoria etc. that had been inhibiting her recovery immensely. It allowed me to clearly identify that I had been suffering from anxiety, as the comparison was so stark. My short term memory and the potential of my intellect increased so much that I was able to solve complex mysteries and always say "the right thing". The two us used the time while we were affected to unravel her past traumas and put everything into a logical time-line. She got a lot off of her chest and it allowed us to bond even more.

The "CLICK" moment happened during an argument between her and her brother. I was right next to them, knowing full well that getting involved would be a very bad idea, watching my wife play the role of the non-BPD as her brother delivered a picture perfect BPD/NPD show. After he stormed out in a rage, she began apologising to me profusely. She spoke to me with the words that took place in the argument, using that conversation as a vessel to replay events of our past. She explained that at that point, it was the only way that she could maintain an empathetic connection to the events she was describing. So off she went, talking to me as though I were her and she her brother in the argument from moments before, relating the words back to the more significant of issues from our relationship - using the argument as a way to demonstrate her understanding of the pain and suffering she had caused - and also to show an appreciation for my innocence throughout.

Fortunately, after we got clean and became ourselves again, she became capable of recalling events, apologising and empathising in the first person. She has re-written our entire relationship from a non-BPD perspective. I have been able to forgive her fully and we are both on the road to recovery.

This is a VERY abridged version. The only one I have time for right now. PLEASE do NOT take drugs or take this story as my encouraging it. We were tricked into it and we were VERY lucky to come out of it with more positives than negatives. A lot of decent people ruin their lives by taking that stuff. Take my brother in law, for example - he is so, so deeply lost in his own ego that he is beyond our help - possibly beyond all help. He will be appearing in court next week facing no less than 30 charges that he has been avoiding for years. They range from armed robbery to assault and are decorated with multiple counts of drunk and disorderly and possession of illicit drugs. Hopefully jail is what he needs!

In any case, the point of this thread is to HELP you all. I feel that the key to the lightbulb moment is in PROJECTION. I am not a professional, just a regular Joe who has been on a long journey. My wife and I still have occasional tiffs (like any couple), but they never go "over the line" and our relationship is so much better now. It IS worth the perseverance if your significant other is genuinely trying to get better. Just be aware that once BPD is gone and your partner no longer has anger as a defence, they may become even more dissociated and depressed. We are now working through a whole host of new issues - TOGETHER.


Cheers

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waverider
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Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Relationship status: married 8 yrs, together 16yrs
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« Reply #1 on: September 17, 2015, 07:14:55 AM »

Glad to hear you back with a positive outcome.

Sound like you moved from survival, to thriving where you now have worthwhile goals, past just blocking and hanging on. Some of the survival coping mechanism are desperate and dangerous and can push us into an even worse place, and often we are lucky to escape the consequences.

Getting back on the same "team" rather than as combatants where each sees the other as a threat makes a big difference
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Wrongturn1
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« Reply #2 on: September 17, 2015, 01:28:26 PM »

Zig: congrats on the better state of things!  How many months/years of treatment did it take for your wife to become asymptomatic?  Did she do separate DBT and CBT programs, or was it some sort of hybrid therapy system?
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