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Skills we were never taught
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A 3 Minute Lesson
on Ending Conflict
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Author Topic: is it me or deliberate projection?  (Read 404 times)
Butterfly12
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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Family other
Posts: 111


« on: September 17, 2015, 07:12:26 AM »

Yesterday at counseling, I flipped out. Because once again, he said nothing, would say nothing. Made it all out to be me that was controlling, me that was abusive.

And I ended up flipping out and yelling. Two years, and he still does this. I asked, "why do you do this to the woman you once loved? Why do you do this to your children? Your family? How could you?"

And the counselor witnesses my melt down, breakdown, freak out.

And I am made to feel crazy.

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LilMe
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Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: Together 10 years; now living apart since April 2016
Posts: 336



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« Reply #1 on: September 17, 2015, 07:38:28 AM »

       

This life can be frustrating and tough!  I lost it and ran out of MC and never went back.  We are not perfect and do have limits!  Don't be down on yourself.  Take a deep breath, and continue on.  Can you take some time to get away from it all?  I know it is hard with a family.  Even if you can take a bubble bath when everyone is sleeping or something, it will help.

Let us know how you are doing!
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Lifewriter16
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Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: GF/BF only. We never lived together.
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« Reply #2 on: September 17, 2015, 08:02:50 AM »

Hi there Butterfly,

I know the feeling of self-doubt that you're the one who's crazy. People with BPD are very good at transferring their craziness to those around them. From what I've heard, pwBPD don't do very well in marriage counselling because they are so adept at making it look like it is their partner who is/has the problem. If your counsellor doesn't know about BPD, that can compound the issues rather than help to solve them. It sounds like you are simply too frustrated for words and it may be fruitful to take a very close look at exactly where that frustration stems from including whether parents/siblings or other significant people in your life shared such traits so the behaviour was already emotionally familiar to you.

For me, I have found that re-gaining my own sense of sanity has involved being willing to address the core pain that underlies my attachment to my BPDxbf (by looking at how his behaviour reminds me of my parents and grieving over those ancient wounds and losses). It has made me look at the pain that I was already carrying when I met him. That pain underpinned my choice of him and binds me to him. I have got to the point where I can accept that we are both 'crazy' (emotionally unhealthy) in our own ways. His craziness combined with mine creates the dance that is our relationship. I don't feel shame for admitting it now. Funnily enough, I think taking responsibility for my own craziness has enabled me to start moving towards emotional health more quickly. Knowing my BPDxbf has been one of the biggest blessings of my life, even though I'm still crying over it. There is a silver lining to this cloud should you be willing to do the emotional work your relationship indicates is necessary.


Love Lifewriter x

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Butterfly12
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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Family other
Posts: 111


« Reply #3 on: September 17, 2015, 01:13:08 PM »

I keep getting more down on myself today. I can't seem to snap out of it. The thing about admitting my own crazy, owning up to it, etc, is that when I do, my husband basically says, "Yup. Ive know all along. Good of you to finally admit some responsibility." and then owns nothing of his own. Nothing. And I know better then to expect it, but it's still unreal frustrating and sad.

To top it, apparently he heard "something" I said (Who knows what, and from where) and decided it was the last straw and took off his wedding ring.

He won't tell me what he "heard" and claims I already know. And how dare I.

I'm a mess, to say the least.
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Lifewriter16
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Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: GF/BF only. We never lived together.
Posts: 1003



« Reply #4 on: September 17, 2015, 03:33:29 PM »

Hi Butterfly,

I suspect I have muddied the water by my post. I didn't mean that you should admit your own craziness to your husband or perpetually apologise for yourself and your actions. He has so much invested in blaming you for everything, that he is encouraging you to take all the blame. That is part of the disorder. I suspect that you are already blaming yourself for a great deal that is not of your making and not your responsibility. Let that blame go. It is a situation that you are both responsible for.

However, later you will realise that there are issues that you need to work on FOR YOUR OWN PEACE OF MIND AND PERSONAL GROWTH. Find a way of doing that FOR yourself and WITHOUT his input. Reflect upon your relationship and why you chose your husband. Have you felt the way you do right now in a previous relationship? Does he remind you of someone else you loved, a parent or sibling or partner? Read lots. Learn the lessons. Try the techniques. Grieve for your past losses. Gradually, you will take your power back and his dysregulations will affect you less. Learn to truly love yourself. Learn to let go of the fear that he will leave. Detach with love and the staying or leaving will take care of itself.

I'm trying to say that I believe that ultimately, the happiest future for all of us will manifest if we start to do things for ourselves and not for our BPD partners or ex-partners.

You say you are a mess. I beg to differ. I suspect that when someone with BPD dysregulates they do so with a distinct purpose - to try to make other people feel like a mess so that they feel less of one. I suspect that's what projection could be all about. We don't have to buy into that. We can choose to support ourselves. Part of supporting ourselves is making a realistic assessment of what we need to change FOR ourselves to make our own lives better. For me, this includes healing my past. Perhaps healing the past could help you too.

And one piece of advice, if any of this does not ring true for you, let it go because it's only my perspective just as your husband's comments are only his perspective. You are the one who is the expert on you.

Love Lifewriter
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Butterfly12
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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Family other
Posts: 111


« Reply #5 on: September 19, 2015, 03:13:28 AM »

You are right.

I think the hardest thing is learning to handle ourselves, especially when we are encouraged to believe it is all our doing. I have no idea how to do this.

He took off his wedding ring. Said I said something to someone and he decided he couldn't deal with it. Said I know what it is, and won't give me the slightest indication. Said "You know what you said."

And I stand there blank faced and clueless. All I know is pain in my gut seeing his ringless finger where his wedding band has sat for years.

Is he done? Or is this another game? Another test? I feel so used.
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babyducks
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Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 2920



« Reply #6 on: September 19, 2015, 05:15:30 AM »

Hi Butterfly12,

I think the hardest thing is learning to handle ourselves, especially when we are encouraged to believe it is all our doing. I have no idea how to do this.

My suggestion is to turn the focus more on to yourself, completely onto yourself, and what you want and what you feel.   Less about him and what he thinks, wants, feels.   More about you.

Sometimes a thought exercise is helpful to nudge out thoughts or ideas or beliefs that have gotten bottled up.

To me, and I am not an expert, a thought exercise is a way to cultivate the feelings and thoughts you want to grow by using your imagination.   make sense?

In my imaginary safe world, it would look like this, a grown adult smart Butterfly12 would take a growing but smaller Butterfly12 by the hand and lead her somewhere relaxed, comfortable and fun.    Little Butterfly12 is wearing a pinafore and patent leather shoes.   Hey, this is my imaginary world, you have to fill in your own details.    I think there are swing sets and lollipops.   Adult Butterfly says Little Butterfly you have done a great job handling some very tough stuff.   Little Butterfly is unsure about this but Adult Butterfly can reassure her by listing examples of times where Little Butterfly did a nice job.    Adult Butterfly can encourage Little Butterfly to feel comfortable.   To feel relaxed.    Once you have a glimmer of that feeling cultivate it, if it doesn't come right away that's fine too.   Once Adult Butterfly and Little Butterfly are sitting companionably together on the swings t enjoying their lollipops, ask Little Butterfly, how can I take better care of you.   I bet you get an answer.

And if you don't get an answer you're not out anything but 5 minutes and a little bit of mental energy.   

Is he done? Or is this another game? Another test? I feel so used.

It's very hard to tell.   pwBPD run to extremes for all sorts of reasons.   Here is what I know to be true.

When I was first on these boards a member by the name of Winston72 said this to me.

Excerpt
“twisting yourself into a pretzel trying to shape yourself to match her ability to understand/comprehend ends up with you terribly twisted in your own thinking and overly identified with her thinking.”



For me what I needed to be was less identified with my partners thinking which was going to shift considerably and rock solid in understanding what I am, what I would stand for, where my limits where and how I would care for myself while in this relationship.

In being rock solid in understanding what I am, that included my own core pain as Lifewriter mentioned but also my own positive qualities.   I needed to be true to myself first.   

I know this is a lot to take in.   

and one last note,   you can't have a conversation with a person who is unwilling to talk.   don't participate in a dysfunctional dance.   

'ducks

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