Home page of BPDFamily.com, online relationship supportMember registration here
March 29, 2024, 10:21:36 AM *
Welcome, Guest. Please login or register.

Login with username, password and session length
Board Admins: Kells76, Once Removed, Turkish
Senior Ambassadors: Cat Familiar, EyesUp, SinisterComplex
  Help!   Boards   Please Donate Login to Post New?--Click here to register  
bing
Experts share their discoveries [video]
100
Caretaking - What is it all about?
Margalis Fjelstad, PhD
Blame - why we do it?
Brené Brown, PhD
Family dynamics matter.
Alan Fruzzetti, PhD
A perspective on BPD
Ivan Spielberg, PhD
Pages: 1   Go Down
  Print  
Author Topic: Reaching out... please don't tell me to break up with him  (Read 454 times)
bluesnail

Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Posts: 8


« on: September 17, 2015, 08:08:55 PM »

I just found out today about BPD!  It's amazing, I've been with this man off and on for yrs and have always been baffled, and hurt by his behavior, when it occurs. So it's comforting (sort of) to find out it's a problem with other people too.

The first 2 yrs were the worst because I was blindly in love, and with every argument I felt my heart was breaking.  Now though, I am taking the explosions less personally.  No tears!  (I'm so proud).  This last time, after I implied something innocently and was taken out of context and he went into a rant, we were on the phone.  And I was able to put him on speaker and listen to him as if he was a total stranger, really separate myself from his words... He was raving like a lunatic.  Over a really innocent thing that was being inflated to some complicated crime that apparently I had committed, -his perception.  

I don't mean to sound so critical of him, but it is really difficult to not get insulted by the things he says to me, about me and accuses me of.  Just really hard to take without trying to reason with him, take up for myself... I'm sure you all know what I mean here.  

Okay so afterwards, the next day, he denied that he had lost his temper, gotten mad, lectured, insulted, accused.  All of the stuff he had done, and this is when I knew that this man is definitely suffering from a mental illness...  because I was there and I heard it all!  He says I'm the one with the delusions, anger issues, that I am argumentative, deflect, interrupt etc etc etc.  This also baffles me because I was just responding to what he said, trying to communicate with love.

So I've been researching this all day, and because I do want to work it out with him again, I would like to learn more about this.  He can be such a wonderful person... .so intelligent, creative, and fun.  But I get so tired of these "states" he works himself up into.  

Anyway, my dilemma is how am I going to get him to accept this about himself?   If he can't even see what he's doing, how can he see that he needs help?  He is denying that anything is wrong with him, it's all other people including me.  In your opinion is he so far gone and beyond help?  
Logged
PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES
This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

LilMe
****
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: Together 10 years; now living apart since April 2016
Posts: 336



WWW
« Reply #1 on: September 17, 2015, 09:57:34 PM »

You can't change or control him, but you can change yourself! The Lessons on the right are extremely helpful in dealing with the conflict. I encourage you to read through and implement the information in the Lessons. It takes time and practice but really helps! Welcome! There is a great bunch of supportive folks here!
Logged
repititionqueen

*
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 49



« Reply #2 on: September 17, 2015, 10:08:24 PM »

I agree with LilMe start with The Lessons ---->

Validation is a crucial part of dealing with someone who suffers from BPD. If you can master this, you can prevent a lot of these "episodes".

It really is like dealing with a child a lot of the time and you really need to learn to take the high road and not take anything personally.

Establish boundaries for yourself and make sure you know what your limit is.

You can definitely work on making things better but you should also assess all the risks involved and make sure you know where you will draw the line if you need to.

Best of luck  Coming here helps a lot! 

There will always be someone to give you advice when things get too rough. Don't be afraid to reach out to the community when things get really bad.
Logged
TheRealJongoBong
****
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Relationship status: married
Posts: 267



« Reply #3 on: September 17, 2015, 10:40:28 PM »

Bluesnail, you are on the right path. You have made it to the point where you can separate from your partner's craziness when he's yelling and flinging lies and insults because you realize that it has very little to do with you. Still, they are digging into you a little bit. Why is that? If a child had a temper tantrum and called you names, would that bother you? That's exactly what your partner is doing.

Our BPD partners go into another place when they go off like this. When they come back they know what they did but they rationalize it away because they don't want or don't know how to face it. That means it's just the same noise all over again. If you didn't get upset at the first temper tantrum, why get upset at the second?

Logged
Jessica84
******
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Posts: 940


« Reply #4 on: September 17, 2015, 11:05:48 PM »

I agree - you are on the right path! You are not alone. We've all been in the same boat - from heartbreak and confusion to discovering this disorder to having hope again.

Don't worry about making him aware or accept anything. I've never tried to point out to my bf that he has BPD. He is undiagnosed but has all 9 traits. I have tried to get him to go to therapy, but I don't push him too hard. So far he won't budge anyway. So don't get too hung up on getting him diagnosed and treated. It's a long slow process anyway.

There are ways to deal with the emotional rollercoaster of this disorder, with or without therapy. You can learn how to react to him differently by reading the lessons here. Relationships can improve, but start with yourself first. The motto here is "Before you can make anything better, you must stop making it worse." When I first saw that I was so certain it was all him and that HE was the one making things worse! Had no idea how I contributed. I made things worse for a long before I knew about BPD. Still working at it, but we're a lot less dysfunctional than we used to be! Good luck to you.  
Logged

TheRealJongoBong
****
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Relationship status: married
Posts: 267



« Reply #5 on: September 18, 2015, 08:39:50 AM »

I made things worse for a long before I knew about BPD. Still working at it, but we're a lot less dysfunctional than we used to be!

This is so true in my situation as well. The first and hardest part for me was calm down, and see and react to things as they really are. Imagine what would happen if you took a child's tantrums seriously!
Logged
Jessica84
******
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Posts: 940


« Reply #6 on: September 18, 2015, 10:37:07 AM »

Imagine what would happen if you took a child's tantrums seriously!

Exactly! I tried to explain this once to a friend, except that I added the child was sitting on the railroad tracks and holding an AK-47 aimed at you! Pretty good visual. I couldn't figure a better way to show the emotional maturity of a pwBPD, their self-destructive nature, and the viciousness of when they go on the attack.

I've gotten to where it's almost "cute" now when he throws a tantrum. Obviously I don't react to him in a way that reflects that, but I certainly take him less seriously when he's saying ridiculous things.

Staying calm was the hardest part for me, too. I mean, looking at a grown man it's hard to "see" him as a toddler, so it took practice to remember he was, emotionally. Once I started taking his tantrums and rants less personal, staying calm got so much easier.
Logged

bluesnail

Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Posts: 8


« Reply #7 on: September 19, 2015, 08:03:57 PM »

thanks so much for your replies and encouragement. I agree it is so difficult for me to see this grown man throwing a full sized temper tantrum.  But now that I am learning more about this disease I can see how important it is to remain calm, don't react which only causes more anger and frustration... .  I am glad I can do something to help this relationship.  I just need to keep it together and not react to what he says. 

when it's all over things are soo good I forget that this wonderful man can turn into a demon in the blink of an eye.  He is great today!
Logged
an0ught
Retired Staff
*
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic Partner
Relationship status: married
Posts: 5048



« Reply #8 on: September 20, 2015, 04:16:06 AM »

Hi  bluesnail,

I just need to keep it together and not react to what he says. 

Being all passive is not sustainable. Please read up on validation - sometimes when we reflect the negativity back in the right way we can stop escalation before it begins. If not then stepping out and letting he stew is often better (read up on boundaries, won't be liked at the beginning), leads to less damage and shorter recovery times.

Welcome,

a0
Logged

  Writing is self validation. Writing on bpdfamily is self validation squared!
Jessica84
******
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Posts: 940


« Reply #9 on: September 20, 2015, 05:47:24 PM »

So true An0ught. Staying calm in a situation that could turn into a crisis at any second is very different from being passive. Being passive leads to resentments for taking verbal abuse and not enforcing any boundaries. No way to live. Staying calm helps me keep the lid on MY emotions so I can make better decisions in the moment. I'm better able to focus on his emotions to keep things from escalating. I used to go berserk every time he stunned me with some weird or rude comments. Now I see that when HE's validated, our everyday interactions are so much better. He's less vicious and things don't spiral out of control as much, or as often.
Logged

LonelyChild
****
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 313



« Reply #10 on: September 21, 2015, 01:35:07 AM »

Anyway, my dilemma is how am I going to get him to accept this about himself?

Dear God, please do not attempt this. You're setting yourself up for the most hellish life filled with more pain than you can even imagine. Please, please, please trust me and read the stories on this board. This is NOT what you want to do. You need to work on YOURSELF.
Logged
Can You Help Us Stay on the Air in 2024?

Pages: 1   Go Up
  Print  
 
Jump to:  

Our 2023 Financial Sponsors
We are all appreciative of the members who provide the funding to keep BPDFamily on the air.
12years
alterK
AskingWhy
At Bay
Cat Familiar
CoherentMoose
drained1996
EZEarache
Flora and Fauna
ForeverDad
Gemsforeyes
Goldcrest
Harri
healthfreedom4s
hope2727
khibomsis
Lemon Squeezy
Memorial Donation (4)
Methos
Methuen
Mommydoc
Mutt
P.F.Change
Penumbra66
Red22
Rev
SamwizeGamgee
Skip
Swimmy55
Tartan Pants
Turkish
whirlpoollife



Powered by MySQL Powered by PHP Powered by SMF 1.1.21 | SMF © 2006-2020, Simple Machines Valid XHTML 1.0! Valid CSS!