Newbie - Trying to make it work

[WytchBaby]

My wife is borderline personality, a diagnosis we got almost a year ago when she was hospitalized short term. Our relationship has been very rocky since very early on. A lot of people (including myself) wonder why I have stayed.

I have been reading the articles the last few days. I came to this site knowing our relationship is very dysfunctional and looking for help.  I needed a place to “vent” outside of friends, but I also needed advice. I have one other friend who is married to a BPD person, but they tackle all their problems in general and have developed a decent relationship over the last few years.

For me, I am realizing that I am certainly the enabler in the relationship. Also a blackmailer…trying to get help from my spouse in all the wrong ways. I already started to be much more clear and honest in the last couple of months. I haven’t gotten more help from her yet, but I do feel some relief just in telling myself and her that I’m not okay with something, that I am upset (rather than yelling about it and being devious).

Currently we are living off my income…she’s worked on and off in the past so we’ve just built up debt for our entire relationship. Now we’re going through the difficult task of getting her on Disability Support. I’m also the one that primarily takes care of our three pets on a daily basis and cleans the apartment. On top of that I work overtime whenever I can. It’s exhausting. I don’t know how to get her to help with the cleaning and regular day to day type things. Both her and I have come up with ideas in the past that don’t work or work short term…but ultimately her brain gets in the way and she stops following whatever routine or system we set in place. She’s not concerned with a tidy/clean house like I am.

I’ve kind of reached a place where I feel like if we can’t get her the help she needs (waiting on a psychologist and more hospital outpatient groups) that I’ve accepted that I cannot live like this for the rest of my life. Since meeting her, my spirituality and many hobbies have taken a back seat. It feels like I’m a working and cleaning robot for the majority of my waking hours. I’d rather be alone for the rest of my life, than living in a dysfunctional relationship. Despite all this, I love her and I do not want to give up – which is why I am here.

I have a tendency to “let things go” overtime too, like plans that I try to make to better myself or our relationship. But it’s like I’ve turned on a lightbulb lately, I have been taking a really good look at my life and our life and trying to be incredibly honest about it. So I feel more dedicated than ever to making it work….or if I can’t make it work.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Lifewriter16]

Hi WytchBaby,

It's nice to be able to welcome you to the Boards. I'm sorry to hear that you've been having such a tough time but really glad to hear that your wife now has a diagnosis. At least you know what you are dealing with. I have found it makes things clearer.

It sounds like you've made some really positive moves towards improving your life and that you are open-minded which will help you find the best way forward for you. Which of the articles have you been reading and what have you made of them?

Love Lifewriter

[WytchBaby]

Hi Lifewriter16,

Thanks for writing! I have been busy, so I didn't see this sooner.

I have actually read through all the spouse/SO articles highlighted in the Article section, though some hit home more than others so I didn't finish all of them.

The ones I'm focused on are the Karpman Triangle and the Co-dependency because they hit home for me. I can see the symptoms of those almost every day.

I'll be doing further reading to try and work on my side of things... .and I have even openly spoken with her since i joined describing how our relationship is dysfunctional. I feel like we're able to be very open with each other which helps. It's just a tough journey to get structures in place to make the relationship work better.