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Author Topic: Wife always threatening divorce  (Read 466 times)
mikejones75093
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« on: September 18, 2015, 12:59:41 PM »

My wife has BPD, high functioning.  At first I thought she just had anger issues.  About 2 weeks ago she split on my parents and now they are evil.  She tries to isolate me from them, but I did not take the bait.  Now she says I dont love or care about her, and I have chosen them over her.  She says she is over our relationship, and will not be emotionally involved, stopped wearing her wedding ring and wont talk to me.  Normally she just gets angry and a few days later she is over it.  We are going on 2 weeks of her telling me its over, I will not compromise, boundries with love, but I am making it known I care about her.  Is she bluffing?  She makes comments every day, go out with your friends tonight I am going to do my own thing.  Does she just want attention or is this for real?  She is very convincing.

Thank you,
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an0ught
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« Reply #1 on: September 19, 2015, 07:20:15 AM »

Welcome mikejones75093,

About 2 weeks ago she split on my parents and now they are evil.  She tries to isolate me from them, but I did not take the bait.  Now she says I dont love or care about her, and I have chosen them over her.  

Yeah, if you are not standing by her and fighting her enemies than obviously you are betraying her. Welcome to the land of b&w thinking  

She says she is over our relationship, and will not be emotionally involved, stopped wearing her wedding ring and wont talk to me.  Normally she just gets angry and a few days later she is over it.  We are going on 2 weeks of her telling me its over, I will not compromise, boundries with love, but I am making it known I care about her.  

This is her manipulating and blackmailing.

Is she bluffing?  She makes comments every day, go out with your friends tonight I am going to do my own thing.  :)oes she just want attention or is this for real?  She is very convincing.

Well, she probably believes what she is telling. But then pwBPD have also been known to strongly believe and shortly later strongly believe the opposite. The problem is giving into her extreme believes leads you into a world of hurt - isolation from your parents just being the first step - she will find other worth enemies you have to take position against.

It is her right not to like your parents it is just that her right does not extend to you. Talking about this unreasonable expectation of marriage is difficult as reason has left the building some time ago. Check out the LESSONS post (sticky topic at the top of the topic listings) - you will find material on boundaries (strategies to protect yourself and e.g. the relationship with parents) and validation (techniques to communicate and listen actively that enhance the chances greatly that we are heard).

Welcome,

a0
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  Writing is self validation. Writing on bpdfamily is self validation squared!
dacoming
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« Reply #2 on: September 21, 2015, 05:27:00 PM »

Your wife is probably not going to go anywhere.  This happens all the time with me and my wife, the most recent was this weekend.  She's been pulling trivial events up and turning them into big arguments attacking my character, calling me mean, emotionless and cold and telling me I am not happy with myself inside so I constantly do mean things to her.  For example, Saturday she was talking to our daughter about keeping the electricity bill down and she told her that I always leave the light over the stairs on in the morning and she has to turn it off.  I told her calmly that I turn that light off every morning and she blew up, telling me that wasn't the point of the conversation and I'm always being defensive and talking to her and the kids crazy, etc.  She said I'm catty like a woman and she's sick and tired of me always being defensive.  Later, I told her our money was low until payday so I decided to wait until next week to get me and my son's haircuts.  She pulled up the bank account and checked all of the transactions.  Then she said that she noticed a lot of cash withdrawals that I did and why would I withdraw money out of the account.  She feels I should always use the debit card so she can track it.  I told her the reason for each of the withdrawals, which she should have already known because she knew all of these things happened and they could not be paid with the card.  Then she mentioned there were a bunch of transactions from 7 Eleven and insinuated I was getting cash back and stashing my own money away for whatever reason.  I told her she seems to forget all of the times I go to the store for her to get cigarettes or candy or something else.  In addition, not all of the transactions were by me; she has our daughter go and do things with her card for her.  I refuse to try to go back and remember what was purchased for each 7 Eleven transaction.  Anyway, this led to her threatening divorce.  Things escalated yesterday and I told her I think we SHOULD go our own way since we are both unhappy and I'm tired of having my character attacked and being accused of stupid things that don't make sense.  She told me she was going out later and implied she was going to hook up with someone and encouraged me to do the same.  Then she came outside while I was doing the yard and told me it's a thin line between love and hate and walked back into the house.  Not sure if she was planning to harm me physically or not.

This morning when I woke up for work, she was already awake and started talking to me nicely and said she cried in the middle of the night because she tried to get me to hug her while I was sleep and I would not.  Now she wants to stay together.
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mikejones75093
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« Reply #3 on: October 07, 2015, 04:50:59 PM »

wow, sounds about the same as what I deal with.  Sorry for the delayed response, have not had access.  Rule number 1 is dont take things personally, and I try, but after some time I do take it personally.  She is saying now she does not want to get divorced because it is not what is best for her or the kids, because she is a stay at home mom she has no where to go and is trapped.  So she wont get divored but will not be emotionally with me and hates me.  I want to remain married, but if she is serious and will not be with me emotionally or speak with me, I will file for divorce.  I just dont know if this is a game to her or not.
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mikejones75093
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« Reply #4 on: October 07, 2015, 05:17:39 PM »

another question I have, since I do not argue with her any more, she gives me the silent treatment.  She does not yell or scream, and will talk to me about family matters or things that she needs, but other than that she is cold and keeps her distance.  How should this be handled?  should I engage her to talk about things or should I just ignore her?

Thanks,
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an0ught
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« Reply #5 on: October 09, 2015, 03:38:11 AM »

Hi mikejones75093m,

another question I have, since I do not argue with her any more, she gives me the silent treatment.  She does not yell or scream, and will talk to me about family matters or things that she needs, but other than that she is cold and keeps her distance.  How should this be handled?  should I engage her to talk about things or should I just ignore her?

Thanks,

the answer to most communication questions here is validation. The crux of the matter then is what exactly and how  Smiling (click to insert in post)

Most of us are not good listeners. In our relationships it is however vital that we are. Your wife is talking but her words don't lead to engagement. What avenues are left? I would argue most - you are just too blind to see. It is said that communication is only 30% words and the rest is elsewhere - body, tone of voice etc... Right now you describe her as "cold". Surely there are times when she is colder and some where she is less cold. There may be a rage flavor and there may be a sadness flavor of coldness and there may be a thawing flavor as well. How does she express coldness? How are you reacting to it? Are you ignoring it or are you acknowledging it? Are you taking it personal or are you able to see the other factors that affect her, overwhelm her and make her angry? Can you identify and name such factors to her just by mentioning that you also see that the milk is sour. How do you communicate with your body? How do you communicate with your voice? How many different emotions can you name and how do affect look and behavior?

Words are overrated. Look beyond. Learning validation is like learning a new sense and language at the same time. It takes time, courage, curiosity, observation and experimentation. Check out: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=221022.0
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pineapple78

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« Reply #6 on: October 09, 2015, 05:46:24 AM »

Now she says I dont love or care about her, and I have chosen them over her.  She says she is over our relationship, and will not be emotionally involved, stopped wearing her wedding ring and wont talk to me.  Normally she just gets angry and a few days later she is over it.  We are going on 2 weeks of her telling me its over, I will not compromise, boundries with love, but I am making it known I care about her.  Is she bluffing?

Im not sure I have any real answers as I'm in the same boat right now. Unfortunately my wife was made feel vulnerable by one of her visiting family members over dinner a couple weeks back and so she defended her position by speaking inappropriately about my own family (whom she is closer too and have been very patient and caring towards her). I kept quiet and just put up with it as long as I could before I could not help it any longer and responded saying that what she said was not true and she was being inappropriate. She immediately burst into tears in front of her family who have not seen her "other side" as she is high functioning. Now Im the bad guy and my wife has been saying the same things to me as you have written for the last couple weeks. Ive been told im no longer welcome in my home and am sleeping in the spare room.

She has demanded I accept responsibility for my actions. Sometimes the problem with validation is where to draw the line. I accepted I could have handled it better and been more careful with how I addressed it, but its understandable that I would be upset and say so. That it was not what she thought of my family members, but that she chose to speak in such manner in public.

My wife demands I accept total fault and without doing so this nightmare will continue and likely end out marriage according to her. She is away this weekend on business, so I expect there is a good chance she may even cheat out of anger. However if i accept responsibility she will still be angry with me and I will have compromised myself in order to appease her. Im not sure Im capable of that.

Im at the point now where I am really pushing for her to see someone and with the hope she will be diagnosed. If she is unwilling to accept it and work on improving her life, or if she cheats on me or leaves me in the interim I have decided that will be the end for me.

Its tough because I am a little codependent and have isolated myself from others and find myself feeling very alone and really craving someone who just cares for me without all the bull___ or expectations. I remember what that was like still a little, and I know if divorce is what happens it will not be my choice, but may well be better for my wellbeing.

Its a tough position to be in and past experience for me suggests she will come around in the end. If not and it ended for you then my memory of leaving her once when we were quite young and then having a new relationship with a non-BPD was that it was refreshingly pleasant to have someone care without all the BPD stuff and you will be ok. In fact if memory serves it was like waking up from a bad dream. So while its hard not to think of it this way, its probably not so bad for you if things did end though I understand you wish to stay as I have the same wish.

Hang in there as I am trying also... .Cheers!
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