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Author Topic: Let's be friends and go from there  (Read 397 times)
Daniell85
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« on: September 18, 2015, 04:58:25 PM »

Another discussion with boyfriend.

He's looking at "the mess". He doesn't know what to do. He explained to me that he doesn't trust me. He has everything locked down, hoping I won't get any "information" because he is afraid I will use it to hurt him.

What information? I don't know. I am guessing answering back to women who slap me around for thinking he even wants to talk to me.

He also says I am not trustworthy because I get so upset and he doesn't know what I am going to do. He says he thinks if we go be friends, then his "hostility" towards me, mistrust... ."it can help get us around the corners".

He says he would be happy to "become cooperative" he can't make himself stop resisting. Resisting cooperating because he feels hostile to me because I have acted in untrustworthy ways by getting so upset and basically telling people things he doesn't want them to know.

Like, hey why are sleeping with my boyfriend. He's my boyfriend.

He insists he is trustworthy, though he knows he hurt me a lot and that I don't trust him.

He said to me "I know what you are capable of."

I am upset. I don't have clarity.

I see "friends" as him rugsweeping and if I want to be present I have to watch him screwing around. I don't know if that is unfair on my part. It feels really bad though.


My therapist says that when I have gotten so upset, I have been having "emotional flashbacks". I guess that happens a lot with traumatized people. They are really powerful when they happen.

So I am working on that, we are starting EMDR next week. I feel relieved to actually be able to name the "flashback" for what it is. It gives me some hope, which I have NOT had for ages.

I understand he has his feelings, too and they are valid. At the same time, I am having a hard time hearing what he has to say.

Taking this very slowly... .how do I work with this?

I did tell him that maybe if the damage is so great, maybe just let the relationship go. I could find someone else. It was ok. He got really mad, threw an OLD boyfriend in my face and said have a good evening and hung up on me.

I feel like a really pathetic case of "making it worse".
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formflier
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« Reply #1 on: September 19, 2015, 11:40:10 AM »

I am upset. I don't have clarity.

Very understandable to be upset.

You want clarity... and you are getting vagaries... .

Sounds like you have a good T... .and you have a good support system online here... . 

My gut says this will take some time... .but I really think you will gain clarity soon. 

Then... .once you "see" your life... .you will be able to think through what you can/want to change... .and what you can/want to accept.

What do you say back when he says these vagaries to you?

I suspect they are being used as bait... . 

FF
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Daniell85
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« Reply #2 on: September 19, 2015, 05:31:34 PM »

I told him that I felt exactly what I said here. I felt that he was asking to rugsweep the situation with him basically leaving a mess for me to try and cope with while he gets a clean slate.

I know that was not a validating thing to say. :/

He responded that no, he wasn't doing that, he wanted a "calm" place to start from. That is, let's go back to simply talking about other things and we would relax enough to begin to build the relationship up again.

He explained to me that he would love to cooperate, but he feels a lot of resistance and "hostile" to me.

That statement kind of took me down. I felt that he was kind of making a case for me being so terrible that he has just had enough.

I said that it seemed unresolvable. He told me he doesn't want anything to do with me because of how I have hurt him. I validated for him that yes, I have been very hurtful at times, and almost anyone would have felt hurt by my panic attacks ( outbursts).

I let it go, then he offered that he was working on himself and said he would like to open up lines of communication again. He feels with some calm ( lack of drama) he will feel motivated.

I said, ok, let's think on that a bit and how we want to do that, and we could get back to each other on it in a few days, if he felt ok about thinking about it a bit more.

He was ok with that.

Generally, yes, he is baiting me. I pointed out to him it seems like brinksmanship and I don't feel good about that.
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formflier
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« Reply #3 on: September 19, 2015, 06:02:56 PM »

 

Daniell85,

This is an impression I am getting... .

Both you and your boyfriend have hurts in the r/s.  Both feel that the other has some responsibility for the hurts.

Each of your feelings are valid... .

Sometimes... .we allow the hurts to overcome the goods in a r/s... .and we tend to dwell on what we see causing pain.

Then... because we want to fix them... .we keep dwelling on the hurt... .if only xyz... .then the hurt would go away.

Next thing you know... .the r/s is all about the conflict... .the hurt.

When was the last time you guys got together... .and did nothing but have fun... .enjoy the view... .the evening breeze?

I express it sometimes that it is better to "do" a r/s... .than to talk about the r/s... .or talk about the status of an r/s.

Talking is not bad... .but if things get unbalanced... .push back to balance.

Many times after some fun... .and feelings are better... .more contentious things can be handled...

Just a thought... .

FF

PS... .this doesn't mean there won't be a "day of reckoning"... .or boundaries around behavior... .it just means now is not the time...

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Daniell85
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Posts: 737


« Reply #4 on: September 19, 2015, 06:23:47 PM »

Well that's funny you brought that up.

He asked about me coming over. I said I would think on it. Then when I told him I was coming, he accused me of coming to spy on him! I said how am I spying on you when you asked me to come?   I then said maybe another time when he was feeling less edgy.

Anyway, I remember you saying that about doing a relationship. We have gotten pretty hung up on the hurts part of things.

He keeps explaining to me all of his resistance. I am guessing a get together is not going to happen until he loses some of that.
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formflier
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« Reply #5 on: September 19, 2015, 07:38:15 PM »

I said how am I spying on you when you asked me to come?  

Why take the bait at all... ?

Him: You are coming over to spy on me! 

You:  Yep... .(show up with a spy glass... .pirate style)

Or...

Him:  You are coming over to spy on me...

You:  I'll pick up some snacks on the way over...

In other words... just let it go...

Thoughts?

FF
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Daniell85
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Posts: 737


« Reply #6 on: September 19, 2015, 09:26:27 PM »

I see your point about not taking the ridiculous seriously. It's a good tactic.

I haven't built an effective filter up, so when he says stuff like that, often what I immediately worry about is him suddenly blocking again or doing another disappearing act, so my anxiety is high and I start to JADE defensively.

He tolerated that reasonable well and changed the subject, like he suddenly realized he was being a bit silly.
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