Soliciting Step-Parents Opinions

[Turkish]

My Ex moved out over a year and a half ago. She introduced the kids to my replacement right away. A few months after, it caused problems with S5. We got through it, but there are still problems.

Though my T thinks that my Ex is a very foolish woman, he said in the context of the kids that it was none of S5's business whom Mommy chose to marry. I get that. She married my replacent early June, and he moved in. Last month, he was angry enough at his mom very something that he told her he wished she would run into the street, get hit by a car and die. She told me this.

The week, he brought home homework from kindergarten. There was a page which asked him to draw his family. A question asked how many people were in your family. He wrote 4, but it was obvious that his mom used Whte-Out to erase the 4. S5 wrote "5" in the margin. He drew the 4 of us as stock figures, pretty normal. He drew his step-dad with claws.

I asked him, "why did you draw OM like that?" He replied that he drew him as a monster, no reason. A year and a half out, and this is still what he feels.

I'm trying to imagine myself as a step-father, but I'm not one. Was it out of line for his mom to correct him?

[Nope]

Like much that happens when BPD is involved, it doesn't matter if it was out of line or not, it's what happened. What I can tell you is that he probably felt his perception of "his family" invalidated.

My question is why all the animosity? Your son seems to really hate his step dad and that makes me wonder what his perception of this guy? Your T is right that your son doesn't get a say in whom his mom has a relationship with. None of the adult situations are any of his business. The only time my step daughter goes from being her usual self to being rude and nasty toward me is after her mother has gotten her worked up against me. It's a horrible thing for the BPDm to do to her daughter, especially since I'm the one raising her daughter 95% of the year. It puts my SD in the position of having to hate the person she must rely upon most.

Have you given your son permission to like his step dad? Is he acting out because he feels like he's being loyal to you by doing so? Because unless this guy was beating him or something, the worst thing your son should feel about him is polite ambivalence.

[Turkish]

I ran this by someone else and they said that it perhaps indicates his r/s with his mom, anger at her for the attention being paid to who is now his SD. I had previously never observed him say anything bad about his SD, though early last summer, he was acting very angry towards his mom. She didn't give the kids time to adjust (like any time at all), and he was constantly over at their home, at the dinner table, going out, etc... .when in his world it was previously me. I checked her FB once over a year after I blocked her. Not that S5 is aware of FB, but almost all of it was mom and her husband. There's nothing necessarily wrong with that, but it's indicative of the pattern which started when the kids were 1 and 3, and she was living with us, "phoning it in" as a mom, so to speak.

I imagine I could ask him and tell him that it was ok to like the guy. Before, he's just said "he's funny!" and then related to me some story. I told him that it was good that he found him funny, with an upbeat demeanor as I could. He told me last month that he wanted the other guy to be his dad. I think he may have been testing, or messing with me. He wasn't mad at me for something, he just said it out of the blue. I told him that I was his dad, but that the other guy was his step-dad, so kind of like a dad at Mommy's house.

[bravhart1]

That whole type of language, I want someone else to be my dad, wish mom were dead etc, would lead me to believe that someone was talking to your son about the possibility of people being replaced. I don't believe children think about those things organically. Who do you think that is?

About your initial posted question: as a step I think if six year old was asked to draw her family and she put mom and dad and herself, and left me out, I'd say whoh cares? It's her picture. And her reality And if she didn't want to include me in it, I don't think myself or my DH would have said anything or thought another thing about it, but a BPD has to control the way everyone feels,so she prob went out of her way to shame your son about excluding him and caused some hurt and angry feelings. Shaming seems to be the way my SD6's mom goes about handling  any disipline issue ( and by disipline issue I mean anyone going against her feelings) and shaming can be quite distructive to a child's self esteem and view of themselves.

Might be making your son be angry at her and by association his step dad.

For what's it's worth, if my kids drew a picture at five of anyone around them with claws I'd be very on edge and my awareness of this person would be extremely heightened.

[ambivalentmom]

Hiya 

I would recommend reading more books/researching stepparenting to learn more yourself about what your son is going through, what is healthy, and be able to talk to S5 about how he feels in all of this.  There are valid reasons for him to talk/feel the way he does, even if it is inappropriate for a 5 yo.  He might be wording it that way because he doesn't know how to conceptualize his feelings (I drew stepdad as a monster=I wish mom would not force me to accept my stepdad as part of the family because it destroys any last hope of my mom and dad getting back together).  By learning more about common feelings for kids with stepparents, you can help guide him through his emotions and validate his opinions.  Being validated might help him open up more and show if there is anything for you to be concerned about.  Also, if you have contact with OM, maybe you can show him what you are reading (I don't know how he is feeling either).  I think it was out of line for mom to correct S5, but I think OM needs to discover this himself.

I did ask my D12 how she would feel if I were to marry DH (three years ago).  It's my decision to marry him, but I wanted D12 involved and hear her opinions.  She thought it was great three years ago and now she hates him. 

I tell her she doesn't have to like him and that is her decision (I can't remember which book supports this).  She has made it a point to mention a few times how she would prefer him not around.  I acknowledge that and ask if there is any reason for her feeling this way, so we can work on it together.  If not, I move the conversation forward.  She is slowly re-warming up to him and I invite her to join him in activities they both enjoy (I also tell her to have girls night with her stepmom and stepsister often when she visits her dad).

I know it's a lot harder because it just creates more work for you and undue stress for your son (the last person you would want this to happen to).  It is also difficult because the best thing for S5 might be giving him permission to love or hate his stepdad.  If your son wants to hate him, then supporting his feelings (would definitely talk to T about this first) will be bad for you in the eyes of a BPDmom.  I guess it's better that mom is angry at you than mom angry at S5.

It is exhausting and unfair to a non-BPD parent, but it is the extra weight we carry for our children.  I hope some part of this helps you.

[Sunfl0wer]

Hey Turkish,

Your OP asks to solicit responses from step parents.

However, my SD loved me, her BioMom had ultimate affect on the r/s between her and I, ... .unfortunately.  ... .She ended up turning against me.  BioMom, was N/BPD as Childress describes in PA.  Likely not your current situation tho.

I always saw my role as allowing SD 9-15 to express herself.  Mom and dad did not see it this way.  They used her as an object of narcissistic supply. 

I would not have appreciated BioMom redoing her artwork.  Her art is an expression of self.  NOT cool at all for BioMom or anyone to change that.  However, I would let SD know... .and reinforce what is/isn't acceptable... .also I would reinforce some boundaries.  I may not make it obvious that the artwork in question led me to this, however, it would be on my mind.

[bravhart1]

Just had a thought. Would you be able to do something with OM and your son?

Perhaps an afternoon outing with some distraction, like a baseball game or a trip to the local park might help break the ice between you and OM and your son and OD ( other dad)

Not sure where you are emotionally where OM is concerned but if possible I would think you could create a huge bond between the boys, and if mom is BPD the three of you might need each other.

[Turkish]

bravhart1,

Are you pushing me to be the board Jesus? 

Not many here know the whole story, which I spewed out on Leaving 1.5-2 years ago, but I think there is a point to what you're saying.

I saw them at a family function this past weekend. The OM seemed genuinely happy to see me. He said he was praying for me (I'm a Christianl but he's hyper-religious, which by his fruits, I find fake, even if he believes his own press). Even one of my friends, who never liked my Ex from the beginning, suggested befriending him a little, for the reason you imply.

Aside from everything, one of my core values is not being fake. I'm not sure how much I can fake it. I intercepted enough of my Ex's messages to him. He knew she was doubting, yet still, he persisted. When he said he was praying for me, I felt like saying, "we could have used that two years ago, but you just wanted to get into her pants and steal a family you were too weak to get on your own."

what's my primary and most important concern here though? What's best for our kids. He's 18 years younger than me. I was working for a Fortune 500 tech company when he was still in diapers. He's reached out to me before for advice. I rebuffed it. The religious hypocrisy violates my core values. Their juvenile r/s hurt our kids.

Yet what's most important here? Our kids... .

I have an appointment with the T next week about this. I need all the outside opinions I can get for wisdom, divorced from my emotions. At the end of the day, all I want is to do the right thing by our children  :'(

[bravhart1]

Turkish

Sheesh, I didn't know he stole your ex. ( did you thank him?) sorry I jest but as the step mom of a BPDm who makes me Dracula every chance she gets I have a hard time seeing what redeeming qualities you all ever saw in them. I digress... .

I was just thinking how weird that has to be for your son to have this new guy in his life and he's not co-signed by dad... .must make it more than a little weird for him in the loyalty dept.

I guess I was also thinking that if you were ok with OM and then your son was ok with OD then maybe mom could back off shoving this guy down his throat.

I live in extremes. If my BPDm of my step daughter would just relax and let go of the bitterness and the drama I think I would buy her a house for gosh sakes. So if I had the chance to "make friends" I would not just take it I would lunge for it. Just another's perspective.

But then she didn't take anything from me, well except my money, sanity, time, energy, and joy. Opps there I go again!

[ennie]

Dear Turkish: 

I am sorry if my response shows my ignorance of your story--I have seen you around for some time, but do not always retain the details! 

Is your son in counseling?  I have found counseling for my SDs to be very useful in helping the kids to process intense stuff they are not comfortable talking about, including new people in BPD mom's life.  Reading about techniques of talking with young kids about hard things might help you, too.  The book Theraplay is very good.  Using dolls, doing an activity while talking, etc., might help you to get more info about why his mom's new partner is drawn with claws. That is important, as it is a signal there is some danger. Assessing the potential impact to your son's safety seems like the first priority.

If there is not a safety issue, here is my take.  My SDs are VERY enmeshed with their mom.  She sleeps in the same bed with them, treats them like relationship partners.  As a result, new people in mom's life threaten that closeness, but at this age they are both relieved when mom has someone else to help! At 5, if your son has this kind of very close relationship with mom, the new husband could be perceived as a threat to his relationship with his mom.

Secondly, the fact that you keep talking about this new person as your "replacement" is concerning to me, especially if you use this idea or language with your son, as he will identify with you and your views.  You may be hurt by her having a relationship and marriage with someone who is not you, but for your son, he need to know that he cannot be replaced, and that mom and dad love him just as much even if you are not together with mom any more. 

I also think that if you are talking this way with him, he probably experiences a loyalty bind--to be loyal to you, he must reject his mom's husband.  For his well being, if there is no threat to his safety, I think it is important that he knows that you support him in working out a relationship with mom's new husband that feels good to him. That it is okay with you if he likes him, does some fun things with the new husband.  That you know he will always love his dad, and that you know you are the only dad, but that this new guy has a big role in son's life, and you want to help him feel comfortable around the guy, and to understand how son feels about the guy.  share with your son that if he is not so bad, maybe even try to be friends with him; if he is no fun, how come? Let him know that you love him no matter what, and if he is angry at you for  to living with mom, or at mom for not living with dad, it is okay to be angry.  You can still love someone and be angry, and you can still be angry at mom and dad, and get to know the new guy because you share a home and both care about mommy. In other words, validate his feelings, give him permission to be who he is and learn about this new person.

My guess is that he is sensing your feelings, and that if you soften up and let him know his anger and love is okay, then you will learn more about how your son really feels about the new guy, and his reaction will make more sense--whether there is danger, or just fear of being disloyal to daddy.

I also suggest that you look at why you see him as your replacement.  My suggestion is that maybe she is not replacing you, but just meeting her need for changing things up, that is not your fault and not related to you.  It hurts, but when I find myself being hurt by the BPD person in my life, I often think: "Well, it hurts, but not nearly as much as it hurts being her!  She has had far more pain in her first 10 years of life than I have had in my 46 years, so I can suck it up!"  I have good boundaries, but know that her issues are hers, not mine. Easy for me to say, as I am a SM, but it helps me when I am triggered by her seemingly callous cruelty.

If you can look at your language, anger, and the way it impacts your son, you will be a safer person for him to talk to about his fears.  He does not want to hurt you, so it will be hard to talk to you if he is protecting you from his feelings about this new man in his life--whether those feelings are fear, love, curiosity, anger, or whatever.

finally, the best thing my DH ever said when we started introducing me into their lives while we were dating, in response to his older daughter asking if I was going to be SM to her, was "It is really up to you and Ennie what relationship you have.  Right now, she is not your sM, but if you want to be close and both of you feel that way, that is fine, and if you want to be friends and not parent/child, that is fine, and if you do not like her, that is fine too.  It is really up to you, and that relationship will grow and change as you get to know each other, and you will find out what kind of relationship you want to have with her."  That permission has really let the girls choose.  We are now almost 9 years in, and the girls and I really love and trust each other. 

Your BPD ex probably does not have the wisdom to say that, and sounds like she has not given your son much choice in how HE relates to his new stepdad.  But you can provide that maturity.  "Just because mom loves him, and I don't, does not mean you need to love or not love him.  Mommy loves you, and I love you, and you get to learn how you feel about this new guy.  Some of my best buddies are people who at first I did not like, and I changed. What is important is that YOU get to feel how YOU feel, and mommy and I get to feel how WE feel.  Everyone feels different ways, and that is okay."

That's my two cents. 

[Turkish]

Lot's of good stuff to chew on there, ennie. I'll be like the computer in the original Star Trek: working.

Thanks to ever SP who responds. Though one here isn't touched by BPD, my desire is to understand the feelings of step-parents, since my reference is skewed. And yes, I should stop saying "my replacement;" I sound like a newbie Leaver. Someone IRL called me out on that last weekend.

As far as what I say? My T encouraged me to validate the kids' feelings, whatever they were, even if they didn't like him. My gut tells me he isn't a physical danger. The situation aside, their mom is more the concern emotionally. When he commented to me once that the kids seem calmer when I return them, but riled up when they come back with her from an outing, that tells me there is more gong on than I see. I have an appt with the T the end of next week... .

[livednlearned]

I have to agree on the use of the word replacement -- my T hauled me out for using a derogatory term early in my divorce and I made a conscious effort to humanize N/BPDx after that, starting every email with his name, small things like that. It does help you get to where you want to be, even if you are not quite there yet.

Having a BPD marriage end due to fidelity must be among the hardest of the healing processes. Even if OM becomes an ally, you will probably always feel some pain knowing that this man played a role in breaking up your family.

How you process that will effect your son. He sounds like my son in many ways. Maybe he has a sensitive genotype and picks up on e.v.e.r.y.t.h.i.n.g. It could be that one day he sees you looking with irritation at OM and he models that anger. It could be that one day he sees you talking to OM and laughing, and that comforts him. Like you, he probably swings back and forth in how he feels. Knowing that he is not alone in how he feels, that he can express himself safely, is probably more important than anything.

I have learned that my son values my authenticity more than anything. That doesn't mean I need to know perfectly how I feel every minute. But sometimes I really blow it with him, and have to come back for some repair and recovery. And I also notice that some things seem resolved, but developmentally cycle through all over again, and we have to revisit and process in a new way.

I was a step mom during my marriage to N/BPDx. I think every step situation is different, the dynamics are so intensely personal to each family it's hard to compare. I'm also getting into my relationship with SO more deeply, we're talking about living together -- my T said it's important that kids know there are two different types of love. How I feel for SO, and how I feel for S14. In an intact family, kids have to sort through this in their own awkward but somewhat secure way (parents are together, sleeping in the same bed, does mom love me more than dad, etc.) In a broken home, the kids have a whole other entity in that equation. Mom didn't pick you, she picked OM. S5 might be thinking that mom could pick OM over him.

S14 still does not accept SO, after 3 years. I never have SO sleep over here, although he'll drive S14 to school and is always kind to him. S14 is so anti-SO after all this time I've been working with a T to try and sort things out. She tells me I have to make sure S14 know that it's healthy for me to have this relationship with SO. That if S14 never accepts SO, that's just how it is. I am doing my thing, being in a loving relationship. Meanwhile, I am loving S14 as my son.

It all seems to come back to validating how the kids feel. It also seems to come down to understanding our own feelings so we don't project our agendas onto our kids.