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Skills we were never taught
98
A 3 Minute Lesson
on Ending Conflict
Communication Skills-
Don't Be Invalidating
Listen with Empathy -
A Powerful Life Skill
Setting Boundaries
and Setting Limits
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Author Topic: Going 'just friends' - what issues have you set boundaries over?  (Read 602 times)
Daniell85
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Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
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« Reply #30 on: September 21, 2015, 12:01:45 PM »

huh? what happened?
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RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING
This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

Lifewriter16
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Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: GF/BF only. We never lived together.
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« Reply #31 on: September 21, 2015, 12:56:44 PM »

BPDxbf emailed me yesterday to say he could actually see us returning to a relationship. Emailing later that day brought up areas that could be contentious between us but that seemed okay. However, he emailed later to say he was feeling anxious. I said I was too and he went to bed rather abruptly.

Today, he emailed me asking if I was annoyed. I said I wasn't and asked if he was annoyed at all. He said he was. He also emailed to say he was still feeling anxious but was contacting me to tell me how he was feeling instead of doing what he normally does which is run away.

I'm a bit foggy as to what happened after that. I remember he told me how things were for him as a child. He said he was feeling awful. I said I was sorry to hear that. I asked what happened when he sits with the feelings. He said he gets annoyed, rages... .and ends up feeling suicidal. I sent him a piece of writing I'd done that day. Poor timing!  He started asking me what I was trying to say to him and why I'd sent it to him. He told me vulnerability = abuse in his eyes. I said I was going to pick up my daughter from school and would log on again when I got home. When I got home he said: 'you've just proved me right again', 'you claim to love me, but all you could do is show off about your writing when I'd just exposed my deepest hurt' etc so I said: 'I'm logging off now because you seem to be getting abusive'. He sent me a text saying I hadn't responded to him exposing his loneliness and deepest feelings for the first time ever. Somewhere amongst all that, when he was complaining about my reaction, I asked him what response he had hoped for. He didn't answer my question but that seemed to trigger the end. He sent a text saying he didn't think he wanted to see me again.

Lifewriter x

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patientandclear
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Relationship status: single
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« Reply #32 on: September 21, 2015, 01:41:36 PM »

That doesn't sound like any kind of "final" dumping (if there is such a thing in these dynamics).  Sounds like he is very disappointed that you didn't have the exact response he hoped for to the information he shared with you, and he was feeling very vulnerable, and he invoked what he already has referred to has his preferred coping strategy: running away.

It's hard to change those patterns.  This doesn't seem very surprising.  It sounds like a validation opportunity ("I get that it's so hard to explain one's deepest feelings and fears and not get back exactly the response that would feel best.  I want to respond in a way that feels good, but I must have been off to the side here.  I'm sorry it felt like not what you hoped for".
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formflier
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Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Relationship status: Married
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« Reply #33 on: September 21, 2015, 01:48:22 PM »

 

Lifewriter16,

Your boyfriend seems to like to toss lots of smoke and mirrors into conversations... .

Most likely it is not a conscious thing... .but his emotions get going... .and weird stuff comes out.

He does this because it "works" for him... .whatever need he is looking for... .(again... most likely subconscious) is getting fulfilled.

Sometimes an extreme example will help you figure out how to respond.

When a pwBPD has gone to "lala land" and is saying weird stuff... .it is rare that they can be talked down.  Usually best to let it run it's course and protect yourself

So... if your boyfriend said you have purple hair, green eyebrows, and a blue mustache... .and that proves that you don't love him... .

It would be much easier to see that he has odd thoughts... .and no amount of reasoning will help.

Best to end the conversation... .let him know you will be in touch tomorrow... .and move along.

Does this make sense?

With this frame of reference... .can you pick a point where you should have exited?

Let us know what you think...

 



FF

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unicorn2014
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Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: Divorced
Posts: 2574



« Reply #34 on: September 21, 2015, 01:57:13 PM »

Hi All,

My BPDxbf and I are going to try 'just friends' for a while. He has suggested we do this with a view to becoming more intimate again in the future at a pace that suits us both. I'm reserving judgement on that to a much later date. However, the issue of boundaries has come up immediately, so I realise I have to address this straight away. I'm not sure what my boundaries are or what I should include, so I want to do a little research... .

What are the most important/most useful boundaries you have set with your partner?

What graduated consequences of boundary busting do you use to defend your boundaries?

Thanks & love to you all... .

Lifewriter

Thanks for this post. I will read through the whole thread later. In the meantime if you go over to my "he said he filed for divorce" thread you will see what I'm struggling with. At least you did not accept his marriage proposal while he was still married to another woman! Its going to be really hard to go just friends after that. My partner told me he was not interested in that. I wish you well in your struggle.

Unicorn

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Lifewriter16
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Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: GF/BF only. We never lived together.
Posts: 1003



« Reply #35 on: September 21, 2015, 03:45:50 PM »

FF - I did exit pretty early when I realised he was getting abusive, but I think I should have exited when I had to go to pick my daughter up. I need to remember that he dysregulates and it escalates regardless of what I do. I need to get out fast and leave him to it. I had got caught into the idea making it better for him but I'm beginning to think that my help is not help at all, I should leave him to help himself.

patientandclear - you are right, it wasn't. He's calmed down.

unicorn - I've been following your thread. These relationships are hard to manage. No wonder so many people walk away from them eventually.
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Lifewriter16
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Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: GF/BF only. We never lived together.
Posts: 1003



« Reply #36 on: September 21, 2015, 03:50:43 PM »

Ooops, spoke too soon. He's off again... .this is tedious. I've told him I'll email him tomorrow. Lx
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Lifewriter16
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Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: GF/BF only. We never lived together.
Posts: 1003



« Reply #37 on: September 22, 2015, 07:45:38 AM »

Hi All

Well, we've been round the houses and back again and my BPDxbf is still dysregulating. Last night he told me to ignore everything he said, today he sent me the following email saying that it's over.

"Hi. I've made a decision, and I'd like you to leave me alone please. I didn't want it to come to this, but I have a lot to deal with and frankly, you're adding to the burden.

You upset me yesterday and you don't seem to be able to acknowledge that it's not acceptable behaviour.

To be honest, you're starting to get quite irritating, you come and go, expecting to walk back into my life when it suits you. If you really wanted to be with me, you'd be with me.

I want you to find someone else and let me get on with my life.

I don't love you any more and I don't want you in my life.

Please do not contact me again, I don't want to hear from you.

Goodbye"


I suspected this would be the outcome of trying to set boundaries with him. Everytime I try to clear space for me, he either refuses to see me, threatens to leave or actually leaves with a whole load of criticism, projection and verbal abuse thrown in. I don't think I'll ever get used to him accusing me of doing things that he clearly does himself.

I'm just going to ignore him again, but the more I ignore his dysregulations, the more he thinks I'm behaving badly towards him (by being insensitive and not  apologising for my 'heinous' crime)s and the worse he seems to get. He my mean it, he may not, but I think the truth is that he is just not capable of having a close relationship with me or anyone else because the intimacy triggers so much pain from the past and then the BPD makes him behave in such a destructive way that contact is only possible for a couple of days at a time.

I really feel like telling him exactly what I think about him, but I'm not going to because it's all coming from frustration and hurt. I shall accept his decision with grace and leave him alone. He can believe what he wants to believe and I'll return to my personal healing.

On the positive side, this whole episode has made me realise just how much I use relationship chaos to avoid my own historical pain.

Love Lifewriter x

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formflier
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« Reply #38 on: September 22, 2015, 08:03:20 AM »

  I don't think I'll ever get used to him accusing me of doing things that he clearly does himself.



On the positive side, this whole episode has made me realise just how much I use relationship chaos to avoid my own historical pain.

Two very separate... but important issues.

After some radical acceptance and learning how to not take things personally... .the "accusations" become just an interesting tidbit of life.

This is/was a big part of my r/s with my wife.

I used to try and prove myself innocent... .and did a lot of harm to the r/s in the process.

For a while  STOP worked well.

Sorry you feel that way.

That's your opinion

Ohhh

Perhaps you are right.

So... use one line for each accusation... .the hope is by "perhaps" they have burned themselves out.

After this stopped working as well... .I would just walk away... .let it burn out... .and pick up like it never happened.

It works for me... .you'll have to figure out through trial and error what works for you.


Dealing with your own issues:  I like the analogy of "keeping your side of the street clean"...

Don't worry what is on their side.

Also... .keep the details of your side of the street to yourself... .

Your boyfriend is not your T... .and lots of details about your issues... .should be kept between you and your T.

Thoughts?

FF
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unicorn2014
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Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: Divorced
Posts: 2574



« Reply #39 on: September 22, 2015, 10:32:19 AM »

Lifewriter, I can really relate to what you posted and appreciate your articulateness. I've been through several such borderline breakups, one of them involved my BPD fiance threatening to have a woman I didn't know come over to my apartment to pick up his stuff. (He's either sent me some belongings to hold for him for when he moves to my county or left behind some belongings when he's come to visit me, we do not live together.) Each time I got sucked in. I'd say that you're lucky that your pwBPD has released you from duty. I don't think any of us want to go through that drama in the end, especially if we are not living with or married to the pwBPD. Reading your post gave me the strength to resist the drama if it happens again in my r/s. I wish you the strength not to get sucked back in.
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