I'm so upset by her behaviors but i can't do anything?

[Depression = 72% of members]

I gave my BPDex flowers and a note trying to explain why her behaviors made me act a certain way... .And she takes to social media to make fun of the whole ordeal... But there's no getting through to her... No talking , won't see me face to face... Silent treatment ... Everything blocked basically.  I can't do anything , it's her behaviors that push people out of her life. I'm upset that she had to take to social media instead of actually saying something to me. There is no way to show her behaviors are poor without actually just leaving her life?.  She will just jump to the next guy who will put up with her |    %%$&|... Convince herself in a bad guy then rinse repeat. How do people deal with this?

[problemsolver]

I gave my BPDex flowers and a note trying to explain why her behaviors made me act a certain way... .And she takes to social media to make fun of the whole ordeal... But there's no getting through to her... No talking , won't see me face to face... Silent treatment ... Everything blocked basically.  I can't do anything , it's her behaviors that push people out of her life. I'm upset that she had to take to social media instead of actually saying something to me. There is no way to show her behaviors are poor without actually just leaving her life?.  She will just jump to the next guy who will put up with her |    %%$&|... Convince herself in a bad guy then rinse repeat. How do people deal with this?

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[formflier]

  How do people deal with this?

This can be very frustrating to deal with... .

Part of the way to deal with it (when "it" involves people behaving strangely) it to make sure that we are "owning" our own choices... .and keeping the effects of bad behavior "out" of our "property lines... "

Think boundaries... .

A simple example... .

Let's say my girlfriend says really weird and upsetting stuff.  After confronting her about it... .it actually gets worse.

So... .now I shift into boundary mode.  In this mode... I can only deal with things I control... things that are inside my "property lines".

Well... .my girlfriends mouth is not something I control.  My ears are something I control.

So... .I take ownership... .and take them elsewhere.  Then... .what comes out of my girlfriends mouth is not my concern.

Hope this gives you some ideas about how to deal with this.

What do you see your next step being?

FF

[DestroyedKnight]

I have done exactly the same thing,I bought my ex flowers thinking she would appreciate them and she looked at me as if to say "yeah so what" which made me feel so small and worthless and made me angry to the point I threw the flowers in the bin.Albeit she did retrieve them and kept them on her dining table for a week.

She also has reached out to me numerous times with memes and quotes and posted various love songs with messages of love for me which got a response from me one day.I wrote her an email telling her how much I love her and her response to that was to take to fakebook with her neighbor/enabler and start mocking me.

It is amazing what time does and how it makes you take stock of all the crazy making behaviors.Took me long enough but now I realise it was never me,I truly am a nice genuine warm loving guy who did everything I could for this young woman and the way I treated her does not warrant the abuse and behaviors she has shown me. Now I am at peace with myself,I go to work,I see my children every week without fail and I am enjoying my alone time,I know she loves me but her actions do not back that up.When I was messaging her constantly proclaiming my love for her or begging her for closure her behavior just got worse and worse,now the boot is on the other foot and it is me who does not text her and gives her the silent treatment like I got and I don't believe she likes it one bit.She now resorts to trying to charm me using the children but yet she will post something reactionary on her fakebook wall,months ago she was pregnant (no sign of a pregnancy at all) her life is great and she is looking forward to new beginnings so she says but the swiftly removes the post (yet another mind game). I just leave her to stew in her own juices now,best thing for it

[formflier]

It is amazing what time does and how it makes you take stock of all the crazy making behaviors.Took me long enough but now I realise it was never me

Ahh yes... .the stories you relate certainly have some crazymaking... .and some drama in there.

On her part... .I see her probing for a "reaction". 

On your part... I see you resisting... .and then giving in and providing a reaction.

 

Please understand... .I'm not saying what you did was wrong... .or you were/are bad... .but you were part of an unhealthy dynamic.

Part of what we try to do here is help people see the role they actually are playing... .which is many times different than the role they think they are playing... .or want to be playing.

Note:  I'm still learning (struggling) with this as well... .

It is likely you will continue to have some interaction with her... .I would focus on healthy reactions... .that calm and center emotions.

So... when she does something ridiculous that is over the top lovey dovey... .you should do something "lovey" in return... .but much more moderate than what she sent your way. 

When she does something horribly bad... .express your displeasure... .but in a moderate... .calming way.

In other words... .always drive towards centered... .calm emotions.

This will help "them"... .calm themselves.

Does this make sense?

Can you describe the role you played in the flower and lovey email story that you relayed here?

FF

[problemsolver]

 How do people deal with this?

This can be very frustrating to deal with... .

Part of the way to deal with it (when "it" involves people behaving strangely) it to make sure that we are "owning" our own choices... .and keeping the effects of bad behavior "out" of our "property lines... "

Think boundaries... .

A simple example... .

Let's say my girlfriend says really weird and upsetting stuff.  After confronting her about it... .it actually gets worse.

So... .now I shift into boundary mode.  In this mode... I can only deal with things I control... things that are inside my "property lines".

Well... .my girlfriends mouth is not something I control.  My ears are something I control.

So... .I take ownership... .and take them elsewhere.  Then... .what comes out of my girlfriends mouth is not my concern.

Hope this gives you some ideas about how to deal with this.

What do you see your next step being?

FF

honestly I'm not sure what to do but what I've had to learn the hard way is not everything deserves a reaction... At the same time I want to say... What you did was really immature... Our business is our business if you have a concern you should talk to me... Something along those lines... But at the same time then she will know I look at her social media plus she will probably ignore the message but at least see it? I just hate the fact that expression of feelings gets scolded and laughed at by all her friends... When in reality she trusted me and told me some things about BPD, depression and her past that none of her 'friends' even know What do you think I should do? I need veteran guidance.

[problemsolver]

I have done exactly the same thing,I bought my ex flowers thinking she would appreciate them and she looked at me as if to say "yeah so what" which made me feel so small and worthless and made me angry to the point I threw the flowers in the bin.Albeit she did retrieve them and kept them on her dining table for a week.

She also has reached out to me numerous times with memes and quotes and posted various love songs with messages of love for me which got a response from me one day.I wrote her an email telling her how much I love her and her response to that was to take to fakebook with her neighbor/enabler and start mocking me.

It is amazing what time does and how it makes you take stock of all the crazy making behaviors.Took me long enough but now I realise it was never me,I truly am a nice genuine warm loving guy who did everything I could for this young woman and the way I treated her does not warrant the abuse and behaviors she has shown me. Now I am at peace with myself,I go to work,I see my children every week without fail and I am enjoying my alone time,I know she loves me but her actions do not back that up.When I was messaging her constantly proclaiming my love for her or begging her for closure her behavior just got worse and worse,now the boot is on the other foot and it is me who does not text her and gives her the silent treatment like I got and I don't believe she likes it one bit.She now resorts to trying to charm me using the children but yet she will post something reactionary on her fakebook wall,months ago she was pregnant (no sign of a pregnancy at all) her life is great and she is looking forward to new beginnings so she says but the swiftly removes the post (yet another mind game). I just leave her to stew in her own juices now,best thing for it

So my question to you is what do you think made her switch up and start chasing? As soon as you stopped reaching out and started living life all the sudden she was all over you? It seems like showing love get's a negative response... ? The odd part is you never really know how deeply she is hurt... She can take to social media claiming how happy she is only to break down crying 20 mins later...

[formflier]

As soon as you stopped reaching out and started living life all the sudden she was all over you? 

This is classic BPD behavior...

push... pull

If you "push" your love... .they run... .

If you walk away... .they "pull" you back in.

What is a non to do... .

Realizing the dynamic gives you power...   Not for manipulation... .but for healthy... .calming... .interactions.

So... .if she says I love you... .you are best ever... .I will love you forever... .etc etc...

You can respond... .but make sure it is a little less. 

"I love you too!"... .but skip all the superlatives that could be smothering.

When she says that she hates you... wishes she never met you... .never talk to me again... .

"I'm sorry you feel that way... today sure has been a troubling day... "

See how each of your responses is a bit more towards the center.  Eventually... this should help with the wild swings from one side to another... .

Thoughts?

FF

[formflier]

What you did was really immature... Our business is our business if you have a concern you should talk to me.

Focus more on judging yourself... .evaluating yourself for healthy behavior.

Let her figure out her own stuff.

By same token... if she wants to correct you... .don't let her.  Don't scold back... .just be matter of fact and even that you are not able to have this conversation right now...

If she makes a common habit of spreading your feelings around to other people... .then... .that is the way she is.

If you don't want your feelings to be spread around... .it is your choice to tell her... .or not.

But... don't be shocked and offended that she spreads them... .it's what she does...



FF

[problemsolver]

What you did was really immature... Our business is our business if you have a concern you should talk to me.

Focus more on judging yourself... .evaluating yourself for healthy behavior.

Let her figure out her own stuff.

By same token... if she wants to correct you... .don't let her.  Don't scold back... .just be matter of fact and even that you are not able to have this conversation right now...

If she makes a common habit of spreading your feelings around to other people... .then... .that is the way she is.

If you don't want your feelings to be spread around... .it is your choice to tell her... .or not.

But... don't be shocked and offended that she spreads them... .it's what she does...



FF

Well what would you do in this situation?

[DestroyedKnight]

FF I certainly understand exactly where you are going and what you are trying to relay to me.The early stages of the breakup was when I went charging in with the flowers thinking at least for a moment it would make her see how much I love her,nearly a year down the line and now I can see that I triggered her emotions and she does not know how to deal with it so it became unbearable to her.

I sense she is still looking for reactions from me because only last night right after I wrote this message and left for work I happen to find out that a guy has posted a relationship status saying he is seeing my ex,Now I asked around about this guy and the first words out of peoples mouths were 'druggy,little rat and weirdo' . Obviously I am concerned for my children first and foremost but I get the feeling that she is yet again trying to use this guy to get to me.I also found out this morning that a mutual friend had given my ex her friends phone number over the summer and she tells me that my ex was talking about me alot and after a few texts stopped texting this guy back.

I am still emotionally invested because it's so hard getting over a young woman who told me I was her soulmate and never wanted to lose me but I can finally see clearly now which is why I am not jealous and I am leaving her to her own devices.She chose to kick me out of our home,she chose to play sick and twisted games with me,so now she can find out if the grass is greener on the other side

[formflier]

 

Just to be clear... .you have children with this lady?

How many?  Ages?

[formflier]

Well what would you do in this situation?

OK... .this is very general advice about immature behavior.

You will have to do some trial and error to see what works best in your r/s dynamics.

If you want to look for a validation target...

"Help me understand your feelings when you do xyz... "

"Help me understand what you are trying to communicate when you do xyz... "

Don't use both lines... just pick one... .be quiet... listen... .redirect.

If they refuse to acknowledge the question... .end the interaction and go away...

"I'll contact you tomorrow and hopefully we can have a conversation about this important topic... "

or

"I can see this is important to you.  I'll give you some space to sort out your feelings... I'll be available to talk tomorrow afternoon.  Looking forward to our next conversation... ."

The key here... .is that when you have decided you are done... .you are done.

Very important to give a time-frame... and stick to it because of abandonment fears.

OK...

There is another way to handle immature behavior.

Ignore it completely.

When the act mature... praise it... .

When they behave badly... .ignore... .completely.

What you don't want to do... .is set up DRAMA.

"You were immature!"    "No I wasn't... "  "Yes you were... .you did xyz... "   "I only did xyz because you did a,b,c... ."

Hope this helps...

Keep questions coming...

FF

[problemsolver]

Well what would you do in this situation?

OK... .this is very general advice about immature behavior.

You will have to do some trial and error to see what works best in your r/s dynamics.

If you want to look for a validation target...

"Help me understand your feelings when you do xyz... "

"Help me understand what you are trying to communicate when you do xyz... "

Don't use both lines... just pick one... .be quiet... listen... .redirect.

If they refuse to acknowledge the question... .end the interaction and go away...

"I'll contact you tomorrow and hopefully we can have a conversation about this important topic... "

or

"I can see this is important to you.  I'll give you some space to sort out your feelings... I'll be available to talk tomorrow afternoon.  Looking forward to our next conversation... ."

The key here... .is that when you have decided you are done... .you are done.

Very important to give a time-frame... and stick to it because of abandonment fears.

OK...

There is another way to handle immature behavior.

Ignore it completely.

When the act mature... praise it... .

When they behave badly... .ignore... .completely.

What you don't want to do... .is set up DRAMA.

"You were immature!"    "No I wasn't... "  "Yes you were... .you did xyz... "   "I only did xyz because you did a,b,c... ."

Hope this helps...

Keep questions coming...

FF

that problem I face I suppose is I'm so used to the drama and she is now the calm one. Well planned msgs , visible rage... In person probably a different story but I trialed last night and made an error like usual i basically did everything you advised against before reading of course... "I think that's immature ... I feel like you embarrassed me... Does that boost your self esteem?... " basically something she would of said to me in the past... She responds with "stop your attempts to talk to me... I don't want to talk to you at all... were nothing and it's been that way for a while... Leave me be"... Calm cool , collected... Something I would of said during her rages months ago. . Please remind me who has BPD :| .  Complete roll reversal I'm now fishing for tsunami and she is sitting in the pool with her floatie enjoying life ... The thing is I don't even know what I want from her... Support? Closure as to why one day she texted me and said "I don't want anything to do with you" and I haven't been able to have a normal convo with her since that day... Do I wanna hear that she is depressed and can't function in any r/s? I feel stupid for trying to contact her. I'm not even sure what I'm looking for, that she still cares? Do I want to know that she's sad and just hiding her feelings? Probably a combo of all how it ended really confused me and I haven't caught my baring's since. I just want to understand and be understood but like I'm never gon a get that.

[DestroyedKnight]

Just to be clear... .you have children with this lady?

How many?  Ages?

I have 2 children with her,ages 6 and 2

[formflier]

 

Problemsolver,


https://bpdfamily.com/content/karpman-drama-triangle

Over time... .the roles we play in relationships shift.

Please read over this article... .then lets talk about the roles you used to play... and the roles that you are playing now.

Then... let's talk about the role you want to play in the future...

FF

[problemsolver]

Problemsolver,


https://bpdfamily.com/content/karpman-drama-triangle

Over time... .the roles we play in relationships shift.

Please read over this article... .then lets talk about the roles you used to play... and the roles that you are playing now.

Then... let's talk about the role you want to play in the future...

FF

well when I first met her I didn't know what BPD was ... And she never mentioned it... But she played the victim ; stalkers, ex boyfriends calling from unknown #s , boyfriend treated her like dirt... I literally ate up every story like you wouldn't believe I just thought why what a rough life! Looking back i am now one of the bad guys in any case that would make me the "rescuer" when I first met her  ... Literally thought she was hopeless and friendless without me quite the opposite though.  The persecuted would of been the ex boyfriend / all the guys that didn't leave her life quickly after she demands they"get cut off"... .What does she play now? Still playing the victim, I'm the guy who doesn't get it.  I'm the butt of the jokes ,none of her friends even know she has BPD... She is a very good professional worker ... Just a different beast when it comes to intimate relationships. So I am the prosecutor  but at the same time , I feel like ... I'm being punished which in turn makes me feel like the victim because none sees it hears my side of the story... .Whatever she says is the gospel it feels until I date one of their friends and they realize "hey" he's. Not that bad... Or until she dates someone. And they go "hey" this girl may be slightly "off"... I don't know what role I want?

[formflier]

 

Focus on getting off the "edges" of the triangle... .and into the center.

Little bits from each of the corners.

When you see an odd behavior from someone... .think about what corner they are trying to occupy in the triangle.

Then think about what you can do to keep yourself from going out to and extreme edge and playing the "role" that the other person wants you to play.

Let them occupy whatever corner they want... .your task is to "center" yourself... .

FF

[problemsolver]

Focus on getting off the "edges" of the triangle... .and into the center.

Little bits from each of the corners.

When you see an odd behavior from someone... .think about what corner they are trying to occupy in the triangle.

Then think about what you can do to keep yourself from going out to and extreme edge and playing the "role" that the other person wants you to play.

Let them occupy whatever corner they want... .your task is to "center" yourself... .

FF

I'm new to this so forgive me for not fully understanding , do you mean... just don't say anything and let her play whatever role she wants?

[formflier]

 

It depends on each situation... .

The key is to learn the triangle... .observe and understand the behavior and what is being said.

If they are playing victim... .take a look at yourself... .and make sure you are not persecuting... .or rescuing.

from bpdfamily

Karpman's triangle is a simple tool for conceptualizing the dynamics of dysfunctional roles in conflict and for mapping the role changes as the conflict grows.

A large part of what gets learned on this site helps us open our eyes to what is going on.

Then... .you can make healthier decisions.

But... .yes... .she plays whatever role she wants.  That is up to her.

I am more interested in the role YOU will play.

FF

[problemsolver]

It depends on each situation... .

The key is to learn the triangle... .observe and understand the behavior and what is being said.

If they are playing victim... .take a look at yourself... .and make sure you are not persecuting... .or rescuing.

from bpdfamily

Karpman's triangle is a simple tool for conceptualizing the dynamics of dysfunctional roles in conflict and for mapping the role changes as the conflict grows.

A large part of what gets learned on this site helps us open our eyes to what is going on.

Then... .you can make healthier decisions.

But... .yes... .she plays whatever role she wants.  That is up to her.

I am more interested in the role YOU will play.

FF

Alright well , I realize now that everytime I msg her feels like the last time she will respond you know?  I suppose that's why I feel like taking digs... .but she just dis regards it and keeps it about her and whatever her needs are in any case...  I could say "it doesn't matter if its been 3 years or 3 months since we've been together ... one day we were laughing in your room 5 minutes later you told me wanted nothing to do with me via text... cutting people off for no apparent reason confuses me... .which is why I've been trying to reach out, simply to understand you better. . Can you explain to me why you do that?"... .would that be decent to say? I feel like it's kind of centered. . " I trusted you , I just can't understand why you cut me out of your life via text one day it makes me feel like you were just using me... , why can you not even have have a normal covnvo with me? . And why do you want to spread negative things about me?... can you help me understand why you do that?... i feel like perhaps I'm playing the victim far to hard in that last one... I almost feel like anything talking about my feelings or how she's caused me pain is playing the victim

[formflier]

Can you explain to me why you do that?"... .would that be decent to say? 

No... .

I am a big fan of "help me understand... "   said evenly and softly... .sometimes this works to get things flowing.

"Why"... .usually sounds like a court interrogation... .(to them).  Remember... .they are hyper sensitive.

Also... .remember this is a "feeling of the moment" disorder.

Likelihood of an accurate conversation about what they felt or why they did something years ago... .very... .very... low.

"Help me understand" is for something that is happening right now... .

So... "I never want to see you again... "

you:  "Can you help me understand what you are feeling right now... ?"  (again... .soft... .even... )



Thoughts?

FF

[problemsolver]

Can you explain to me why you do that?"... .would that be decent to say? 

No... .

I am a big fan of "help me understand... "   said evenly and softly... .sometimes this works to get things flowing.

"Why"... .usually sounds like a court interrogation... .(to them).  Remember... .they are hyper sensitive.

Also... .remember this is a "feeling of the moment" disorder.

Likelihood of an accurate conversation about what they felt or why they did something years ago... .very... .very... low.

"Help me understand" is for something that is happening right now... .

So... "I never want to see you again... "

you:  "Can you help me understand what you are feeling right now... ?"  (again... .soft... .even... )



Thoughts?

FF

Okay , I understand how to construct the conclusion now what I'm curious about is the "body" ... .I've learned I can't "say or write" alot ... she only deals well with direct msgs ... .meaning anything long winded could be looked at how ever she wants to look at it... .which is bad for me because I have a ton I would want to say in any case. ...

I acknowledge that we have been done for a few months... I feel as though I was abruptly cut off... which is why I reach out... Can you help me understand... what your feelings towards me are right now?... .this is hard that probably isn't the best sentence.   Keep in mind I will be initiating as well...

[formflier]

 

Let's back up a sec.

How long since there has been any communication between the two of you?

How long since you have communicated about the status of the r/s?

Is your goal to reestablish the r/s... .or just information.

Important points to clarify... .

Last thought... .

My preference is for you to meet in person... .

IMO... .phone/text/email is not the place for these types of "talks".

FF

[problemsolver]

Let's back up a sec.

How long since there has been any communication between the two of you?

How long since you have communicated about the status of the r/s?

Is your goal to reestablish the r/s... .or just information.

Important points to clarify... .

Last thought... .

My preference is for you to meet in person... .

IMO... .phone/text/email is not the place for these types of "talks".

FF

The last time she sent me a msg was a few days ago when I made this thread... but it was a one off. . No actual back and forth... the last time we had consistent "normal" back and forth was in May... at that time we were speaking about what the 'rs' could be... I was at her place we , were alright. . I left 5 mins later " i don't want anything to do with you" ... .in my head I'm thinking she's being over dramatic or this is a one off... I got the silent treatment for 3 weeks or so... when finally she lashed back... stop telling me how I feel etc. . Were nothing blah blah" some hurtful things... I then went in to 3 months of NC... just to "heal" myself/ not add to any toxic behavior or damage. . I just had to step back and look at myself. . The past few weeks I have broken it in an attempt to 1) see if there is anything left in a romance sense. . (I believe my recent attempts have been to strong but I was trying to get some contact I suppose)... 2) not have my name smeared (which I can't control) or 3) Get some clarity on her behaviors... .


My main goal was basically have her ... want to meet up and take it from there... I'm not trying to convince anyone into a relationship but I did want to have open lines of communication to the point where we perhaps txt back and forth for a bit and she might think... oh I still have feelings for him... or something like that? I guess I just want normal contact even if it didn't go straight to romance I could live with that