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Author Topic: This time I have to make it  (Read 532 times)
sangreal

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« on: September 19, 2015, 03:17:07 PM »

Hello. I have posted a thread months ago regarding my relationship with my girlfriend. https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=271629.msg12577549#msg12577549 So please read it first and thanks in advance for anyone who might help.

After 9 months of contact we finally decided to move to another country and I had her total trust. It was really hard, really though but I managed to pull it off. Well... to make it more specific I finally let her know that my love is real. She was usure all the time. And let her know that I don't want to change her anymore, that this is her best version and told her I will not say anything about her drug addiction and let her smoke anything she wants. And told her it was stupid of me to forbid her smoking. She finally decided to let it all go and come with me, moving on to a better future, in a new place we both don't know, or bring her to my country.

Anyways... .1 week ago we met in Italy. We went into a hotel. She packed her whole house and brought 40 kilos of bags with her. As usual she started her usual small tantrums  and stresses about random stuff in usual days but since I am experienced now I handled everything and none of it effected me.

We got into the room. She opened the balcony and started smoking. I had couple of beers too and we hold and hugged and chatted for amount of time it was so cool and chill. Then I started biting her, pushing her hard and calling her names, giving orders but not in a threatening way... .you know?

I am usually very aggressive in my behavior but this is what I am like to everyone around me and it's not because I am bad, all my friends and family know this so its not a problem. Well its not a problem for her too since she likes extremities and aggressive commanding nature. So I thought it would be ok... .

She was the one actually told me that "I want to be the only girl that you bite"... and I like it because it s my nature.

I slammed her to the ground very hard and started carressing and kissing and biting her really hard. But she as well as I like it.

But apparently I was too drunk as hell so ı couldnt get it on, so I said lets just wait half and hour then I will be back again.

We started chatting a bit and then went into bed again, just about we were going to have sex I had to go to the bathroom and when I came back and I pinned her down hard again she said "I wouldve killed you if you hurt my leg" in a very very bad way. (she had a leg injury but even then I was being cautious)

She was upset and she thought that I was gonna crush her leg accidently near the bed What the heck?... .then she turned arround let me go and instantly went into sleep. I mean instantly I was in shock. Can you believe it ... .=? of corse I wasnt going to hurt her leg I know it had a joint rupture.

Then I stood at the walls for 1 hour then wake her up... .Guess what? She instantly wakes up and accuses me of being abusive... .that I am acting like shes my doll, telling me that I cant treat her like shes my dog or slave... .Im again in a shock. Took her and went out to the balcony. Calmed her down. Then we went to sleep. She held me and went into sleep instantly again.

Morning. Woke her up. She again instantly wakes up and tells me shes going back to her country. WHAT? WHAT? reason is?... .

That I remind her of her dad, and other abusive boyfriends. That she thought I was different, she thought I was safe. That I am totally like them... .That they do all sorts of bad things and apologize again... .starting packing her things I was in shock and tried to calm her down. She didnt. Tried to do anything and said lets just go outside go to some park and drink something... .just get some sense. no nothing nothng as it was... .as if its like my face is gone and she was seeing all her past traumas in my face... .then told me she didnt feel any love and scared of me that I might hurt her. Told me she called some people and if she doesnt go they will come... .I said ok damn it let them come I beat them all . (I think it was a blank threat cause theres no way she might know someone from the area in some other country)

Went out near the street and jhust left. I didnt go behind her and shouted to her cursed at her.


I left the hotel and went into the airport and called her. She said she was near the train station to go home. and... .asked me "where are you" as if she waited for me to go after her... ... ..went into my country and called her 5 hours later. She said she was still waiting for the train and again asked me where I am... .I didnt reply and said I just wondered about you and told her I love her. She said dont call me again and deleted me from facebook for the first time. I called her yesterday and her phone was off.

Well. I know, and, I am 100 per cent sure if we had sex that night she would be relieved and it would be all good. So all that past traumas was just an excuse, or more precisely, since we didnt have sex that night all that left was my harsh behavior and the fear it left on her. If we had sex, it would be good for her even if I was harsher than that... .Because she likes this. But she refused it because she thought I ws going to hurt her injured leg, well yeah she was right but even though I was being cautious.

I mean can you believe it?

What could have I done? Just go into sleep like nothing happened after getting back together after 9 months and finally moving on to a new place, after spending 2 hours in the hotel? It was already night when she arrived at the airport.

Ok then thanks for everyone whose reading it people. And I appreciate all the support and help since I have to. I HAVE TO make this right. After everything I have done, and after everything shes done this cant just go away to thrash because of one simple half mistake. We have come this far.

Thanks in advance again.

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sangreal

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« Reply #1 on: September 19, 2015, 04:11:31 PM »

It actually hurt me so much when she said I reminded her of her father and abusive relationships... .because even if I have a similar exterior in some ways as in being aggressive, I always show my love and, and, for all my life I fought these kind of people and protected both my friends who had similar relationships, and my sisters from people like this. These abusive people are my arch enemy.

How could she mistake me that Im like them... .how.

I wish how I wish she knew my friends, my family, or lived with me for even a small amount of time to show how I am inside... .well. well... .even working hard for 9 months, not being with anyonei and supporting her shouldve been her proof. And it was... .damn it it was. Only a half mistake couldnt destyroy it. I wont let it... .
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an0ught
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« Reply #2 on: September 20, 2015, 04:35:07 AM »

Hi  sangreal,

sounds like she was overwhelmed by the change  . These are big changes and when things get too much often instincts kick in and we want home into familiar territory - no matter how bad it was there. It is very difficult to reach someone who is in a state of panic like your GF.

Keep in mind that she is upset and while you have done little to deserve it JADE (Justification, Arguing, Defending and Explaining) tends to be invalidating and making matters worse. She may well know that she is acting unreasonable and unfair but that only contributes to her sense of shame and fear that may well be dominating her thinking. Avoid judging her and adding to her shame. Validation is important: It is natural to feel overwhelmed when there is a big change and well, she was panicking while that was overreacting that is in the end also human.

You are in contact?
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sangreal

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« Reply #3 on: September 20, 2015, 06:10:32 AM »

Well I think she wanted me to go after her after she left the hotel. But I didnt... .And when I called her at the airport again she said she was waiting for the train and even after judging me she said where are you... .

After 7 hours... .apparently she was still waiting for the train. I asked when you arrive at home call me. Said I was wondering about her and said I love you. And apparently she was still waiting for me to go after her to the station.

I know and this is my only and worst mistake. I didnt do it. Why? Because I thought everything I was doing through all these months and moving on this was the biggest proof. Well now I know its my fault to not going after her. Im sorry for this.

This happened 3 days ago, and I called her the day before. I called her today too. No answers but I will try again. I didnt add her back from facebook.

If I don't call her again she will instantly feel abandoned again and think that she was right about that thing about her father and other abusive partners who beat and left and so on.


Im willing to do anything, any thing now I could even move the earth.


And when we talk again I will only talk about the now and the future and good things only between us. No use bringing up the past, and I think no use even saying sorry again.

I want her to remember the good things only. But then again I need more. Words wont cut it, only actions will. I dont care if it backfires. I already knew she was gonna try to escape some time or another, and Im willing to handle it all no problem. None of her tantrums none of her outbursts... .but not the day we finally met, 5 HOURS later.
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sangreal

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« Reply #4 on: September 20, 2015, 01:20:55 PM »

Called again just 10 minutes ago.

She picked up the phone quick and her voice was very nice as if she was happy again.

I told her I called her this morning but I assumed she was sleeping.

*So, how are you?

-Great, you?

-I was wondering about you

-Why are you calling? I thought we finished everything messed everything up and I have the proof. You are like the other men.

I remained silent.

-Why are you calling? (again)

-I wanted to hear your voice. Love you.

-Dont call again.



So this was the conversation.

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sangreal

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« Reply #5 on: October 07, 2015, 09:57:58 AM »

Been about 2 weeks. I called her couple times, she answers but hangs up seconds later, again when I call her she says hey again like she was happy but again hangs up. Then when I call again says dont call me, then again I call her once more and she again answers but hangs up.

I initiated contact on facebook and we talked a bit. She again said she doesnt trust me. She doesnt feel safe.

I figured this out. All of it... .after 3 weeks. I thought it was about my pride, but like a fatherly pride like when your child escapes from the house, after an argument and you kick them out and when you call them back you say "your mother wants you here" but in reality you want it, you wont tell it but your voice of tone is guilty... .do you know what I mean? This is why I brushed her hair because fathers brush their daughters hair. Shes both like a daughter, and a lover for me.

I thought it was my pride... .because of my pride I thought I pulled myself after showing affection and compassion. And then I thought it was because I was rude to her. Because I act so carefree and reckless around my friends but after an amount of time this became a habit and I started cursing around and being rude to girls too. This is wrong. But it wasnt a problem to other girls... .actually most liked it becaue it is honest. Now Im glad only she made me notice this.

But... .again something didnt add up and then I remembered. Remembered what is the problem. Because even though I was aggressive this doesnt mean you can't also show your love... .you know?

Then it struck me why she couldnt feel safe, why she couldnt trust. why she didnt see any love.

I remember when I hold her, I couldnt feel anything as if she is dead. What I mean is, think about it for a moment. Everyone has a weight and show signs that they are a living being. I mean you can feel their presence. Strangers, animals doesnt matter this is something universal. You can even sense when someone looks at you from a building or behind you and you sense it and look back, or feel other people in the bus when they are so close to you.

But she... .shes like she doesnt have a life value. Not poısitive, not negative. She feels so much but cant get it out.

Ok... .some people have walls but you can break this wall either they drink or you open them up etc... .

While she seems to have a wall everywhere around her.

I remember when I hold her, I held much more stronger to feel, but nothing. She was feeling so much but its like touching the dead. She has a wound in her leg but when I massaged her again couldnt feel the wound or ... .nothing. When I bit her I bit more harder again because theres nothing.

We were smoking outisde the balcony, she was naked, and the weather was cold. But think about it this wall has made me not even hold her... .I was standing next to her but never hold her there. I was so frustrated because something blocked it. Can you believe it?  Then when we went into the bed again she hold me but I cant hold for more... .

And then the morning argument where she says she doesnt feel safe, doesnt trust me, that Im like her father and every abusive person. That I dont show love... .While this is why she felt it that way because I couldnt show it. couldnt.

With no other girl, person, or animal, hell even trees are living beings and you feel something when you touch.

She always said she has no energy but shes like a damn void without value. Not even 0.1. Just 0. I think this is beyond BPD or anything. Maybe because of years of drug abuse... .but... .I knew many people like this, alcoholics, potheads, junkies etc. They all change their behavior... .All of them. The drugs affect their brain naturally.

While this is also another problem with her. She doesnt get affected even after she smokes 3 joints, and 4 beers... .nothing. She doesnt get affected, her talk her voice her mimics her body language everything stays sthe same... .again as if shes dead.


Now I know what to do. Now I know. I will give my love while feeling Im also giving life to her. With every cell that I have. But how will I make her trust me and know that this is not our fault. Not our mistake? If I tell her these things about her this will make her feel more scared I know.


But what do I have to do to make her understand so we can meet again?
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sangreal

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« Reply #6 on: October 07, 2015, 10:15:57 AM »

If this was another girl I wouldve told her this and it would make her even happy to hear and how much I can understand. Now Im gonna give everything while feeling and focusing on love and most importantly life. To reanimate her.

But even if I tell her this, how can I know that this wouldnt make her scared more? How? Is it a good decision to tell this?

What I am thinking is, is to only show this without telling her when we are together. But this leads to another thing how am I going to meet with her considering that she now doesnt trust me and thinks that Im like them and... .

I really, really need advice.
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babyducks
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« Reply #7 on: October 07, 2015, 06:07:14 PM »

Hi Sangreal

Understanding BPD, especially the emotional aspects of the disorder will help you making more sense of your situation.

The Do's and Don'ts for a BP relationship


What is Borderline Personality Disorder?

Her feelings are very real to her.  She has expressed that she doesn't feel safe.  It's up to her to regulate and work through her own emotions.   Validating her is important at times like these.   It's  also important to recognize and respect boundaries.  

Have you asked her what would make her feel more safe?  

'ducks

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« Reply #8 on: October 07, 2015, 07:07:27 PM »

Mayb a little of my story can help.  Love guided me to keep her out of jail, to get her back to health, get het off drugs, and help her get a job.  We are not a couple.  I am with a women, who has done everything for me.  The love is not strong like for my ex, but this new partner loves me unconditionally.  As much as I loved my ex and experienceing that it wasnt best or fair for me.  Look somedrugs in college felt really good, but that didn't mean they were good for me...   I could tell you how to get your ex back, I did it.  Though it destroyed me.  Had 400k $ when the ex moved in, now I'm broke and jobless.  I will give you a hint of how to get her back.  I had to sacrifice myself for her.  It's the only way I know in my experience.  So, it sounds like you sacrifice a lot,  I'm sorry you will just have to give more.  A hundred percent and hope you get lucky and she loves you just before theirs nothing left of you. 
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sangreal

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« Reply #9 on: October 07, 2015, 08:29:53 PM »

Hi Sangreal

Understanding BPD, especially the emotional aspects of the disorder will help you making more sense of your situation.

The Do's and Don'ts for a BP relationship


What is Borderline Personality Disorder?

Her feelings are very real to her.  She has expressed that she doesn't feel safe.  It's up to her to regulate and work through her own emotions.   Validating her is important at times like these.   It's  also important to recognize and respect boundaries.  

Have you asked her what would make her feel more safe?  

'ducks

She said its all control and fear and control and fear as if like Im like her father. She said she always searched for people like her father and when she found me she thought she could deal with it but she realised she cant...

Just because some of my behaviors and exterior is similiar to them doesnt mean Im like them. They wouldnt work so hard for anyone, they wouldnt care if they hurt the other person. IM not saying Im a good person. Im sometimes intolerable I know. I just want and accept both good and bad and I chose to love her because her good sides far outweigh her bad.

I asked and helped her through hundreds of things for all these months and she finally aggreed to come with me. She knew I was like this, she knew hundreds of hours of talking. She knew Im not a saint. But she painted me the whitest of the white I suppose as if her mind suddenly shifted before coming to me and saw me like a perfect being. And she knew Im not kind but Im always giving my honesty and love and loyalty. Always.

I handle every kind of ridiculous thing she does, and I knew she was gonna try to escape one time or another. I accepted everything. But not at the first day, hell not evne the first day, 5 hours later... .

What made me get angry to her and made her leave was when she said directly after waking up "Im going back home" then "Im gonna call people and they will come to rescue me" Then I said ok let them come and I will make their day... .then she left as if I threatened "her"... Pure nonsense.

Its as if she knew my only weakness about all of this as I can handle anything else very easily. But when it comes to this this drives me mad.

This is my only boundary. No other person interferes with anything regarding our relationship.

If I had sex with her that night that would also make her feel safe... .I know.

I admit I couldn t show any affection but as I wrote before its because she doesnt have an aura or presence or any other sign to show that she lives. Physical contact feels dead with her. Even looking at her eyes its like her eyes are dead, sober, high doesnt matter. Shes hopeless and her brain is damaged beyond by serious drug abuse from all these years, or some other mental problem other than BPD I dont know. She also has ptsd so I might have triggered countless things.

I know these people are scard of intimacy. But when it comes to our story "I" couldnt show any intimacy even if I wanted to. Its all so strange.
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sangreal

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« Reply #10 on: October 07, 2015, 08:44:22 PM »

Mayb a little of my story can help.  Love guided me to keep her out of jail, to get her back to health, get het off drugs, and help her get a job.  We are not a couple.  I am with a women, who has done everything for me.  The love is not strong like for my ex, but this new partner loves me unconditionally.  As much as I loved my ex and experienceing that it wasnt best or fair for me.  Look somedrugs in college felt really good, but that didn't mean they were good for me...  I could tell you how to get your ex back, I did it.  Though it destroyed me.  Had 400k $ when the ex moved in, now I'm broke and jobless.  I will give you a hint of how to get her back.  I had to sacrifice myself for her.  It's the only way I know in my experience.  So, it sounds like you sacrifice a lot,  I'm sorry you will just have to give more.  A hundred percent and hope you get lucky and she loves you just before theirs nothing left of you.  

Oh yeah... .tell me about it.

Thats what Im doing since the beginning. But love needs sacrifice. Her good far outweights her bad sides... .I know Im getting older just because of this but I restore myself, create myself again and again and this is how I will give her life too. I will reanimate her.

Let me tell you this: She restored my faith in god. She gave me so much reason. And she made me accept death, and know what love feels like. She did all of this without saying anything. She let me feel these just by being herself. And, I made a promise to her. I would rather die than just breaking my promise.
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an0ught
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« Reply #11 on: October 09, 2015, 03:22:15 AM »

Hi Sangreal,

Thats what Im doing since the beginning. But love needs sacrifice. Her good far outweights her bad sides... .I know Im getting older just because of this but I restore myself, create myself again and again and this is how I will give her life too. I will reanimate her.

Let me tell you this: She restored my faith in god. She gave me so much reason. And she made me accept death, and know what love feels like. She did all of this without saying anything. She let me feel these just by being herself. And, I made a promise to her. I would rather die than just breaking my promise.

There may be a lot of good in her that may have truly helped you. Love also at times may require sacrifices but love first and foremost needs exchange. An intensive one-way street relationship is never sustainable.

This is my only boundary. No other person interferes with anything regarding our relationship.

If I had sex with her that night that would also make her feel safe... .I know.

Sangreal, she is terribly important to you, you almost define yourself through the relationship with her.

Yes, intimacy can calm for a short time, soothing symptoms. But for her to feel truly safe she would need a person that is not depending on her so much. You may not like it but chances are good you were on your way to a situation like AsGoodAsItGets described.


You are talking to her so there is still some sort of relationship. People break up and make up. But unless you are committing yourself to the most important person (the one wearing your shoes) it won't be safe for yourself. And if it won't be safe for you it can't be safe for her.


A path - that is never going to be certain - that may lead back to her could be:

- understand that any relationship with her in the future will need to be different from what what in the past. Study the board for what is happening, where members struggle and/or succeed.

- let go of the past relationship. It was a great and intensive time but it won't come back. If it would have truly filled her need she would not be away. PwBPD are not logical but have a keen sense of what they need (even if that can be upside down).

- get a robust set of boundaries. Boundaries that protect you from her. You can't be a pushover and be safe at the same time. She got a weak sense of identity - you can't afford the same for the sake of both of you.

- learn to communicate. Validation, validation and validation. Active listening and true understanding is important in all relationships but vital in a relationship with a pwBPD

Communicate using validation, stick to your own limits, be predictable, take it slowly.

Explore and make sense of the situation. Listen, don't judge. Learn and learn more. Don't Argue, Defend, Justify (or ask for justification) or Explain.

Be safe
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sangreal

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« Reply #12 on: October 09, 2015, 06:38:25 AM »

Thanks for the reply.

Well. For all these months there were no problem. It was almost like I was the whitest of the white all the time. I always hated to be painted white it I tried to explain that I dont need to be deserved. Know what I mean? I was handling everything, and going to handle everything.

That was how I made her come with me. Because for her I was the only person that she trusted. She said its very important but somewhat scary for her because even when times when shes alone, when shes outside there comes a time and she just thinks about me, even thinking of me soothing her. See? Even that me being the only person she trusts scared her in the beginning. Of course I talked her through it after and thats why she aggreed to come with me.

Of course relationship is an exchange and this is also how I keep going forward after she agreed to move with me. I knew she was going to make trouble at times and I have the experience and love to handle it.

But think about it. Months later she aggrees to move with you, carries all the baggage with her, coming all the way and hours later... .she says (and this person never accused you of anything before) that you are like her father and other abusive guys.

She didnt feel safe and couldnt feel trust. Not because of dependancy. But like I wrote, because I was distant, and its not because of me. There was an invisible wall. Couldnt get close. Not physically not emotionally and we couldnt even talk about anything. Compassion wasnt there. Why? Because like I wrote before she feels dead its like a tree inside that is empty. Its a misunderstanding. I know intimacy is scary with people that have this disorder but in our case I was the one who couldnt show it. Its not my fault. She wasnt warm, but she wasnt cold either there was nothing.

But a normal person would ask that "why are you so distant?" or something. She just makes her mind that Im an abuser and leaves.

Even if she stayed for 1 more day I would know what to do.

Everyone has a breaking point. I wouldve still made her stay if she didnt tell me that "she called some people and they will rescue her". I knew it was a bluff later. She cant blackmail me, she cant threaten me with something like this. This was my breaking point. Thats my only boundary that I will never accept. Well it will be the only breaking point in the future relationship as it has nothing to do with me depending on her. Calling me one day before she comes and saying that "she knows we are creating something big this time and no more nonsense and shes happy"

and then calling other people because I might hurt her, hours later, nothing happened?
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sangreal

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« Reply #13 on: October 09, 2015, 07:16:26 AM »

In fact I was overly carefree, and reckless. I really acted like shes just another girl that I didnt care about. She wanted special attention while I acted distant.

I was too simple to the point of tossing her around in her eyes.

Its why she felt threatened because this triggered her past relationship with her father and other abusive guys. In fact Im not.

I always gave her and talked to her like she is special, but when she came she didnt see any special thing from me. She just saw this barbaric guy who didnt even love this girl.

But its not my fault its just that I couldnt even get closer to her. She was just sitting naked int he balcony and I didnt even go hold her for her not to be cold. You know? Something just blocked me from getting close to her. I didnt experience anything like this with any other girl before.

But nothing can be more further from the truth because it was up to me I would freze time with her. Just hold her there.


And the fact that we live in different countries makes it worse because if we were she would see that Im not like them.



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babyducks
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« Reply #14 on: October 11, 2015, 07:45:56 AM »

Sangreal,

An0ught provided some great insight.    Doing the right thing (click to insert in post)   

I want to pick up one piece of what An0ught wrote.

Communicate using validation, stick to your own limits, be predictable, take it slowly.

Explore and make sense of the situation. Listen, don't judge. Learn and learn more. Don't Argue, Defend, Justify (or ask for justification) or Explain.

Be safe

Over pursuing in BPD relationships is not uncommon.  It adds to the overly intense emotional atmosphere.   Taking things slowly is good advice.     Breaking things down into simple small steps or pieces make them easier for both parties to handle.   

No one can make another person feel or not feel any particular emotion.  The only people we can control are ourselves.   We need to focus our attention on ourselves.   It sounds like a contradiction but in truth by learning about ourselves, working on our stability and health our relationships can get better.

'ducks
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sangreal

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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Posts: 25


« Reply #15 on: November 06, 2015, 08:57:26 PM »

Now I know why I was distant with her. Why I couldnt even look at her face, why I was cold. Its because I didnt trust her. Even she trusted me hundred times more than I did. Even though she always asked me if she can trust me, she eventually did. Thequestion she shouldve asked to herself and me is, "do you trust me?"

There can be love without trust, however a relationship cant work without trust. This distrust is so much that, Id even trust some stranger in the street more than her... .

There were things I didnt write here. There was more than just drug abuse and cutting. She had been doing prostitution for money, she had sharks to pay money, and pimps around her. That they use her for money. Shes in total hell.

The thing is she came to me to get out of that hell. But I never trusted her. And the thing is, her relationship with her mother is the same. She says shes prideful, but her mother is prideful so they cant even have a healthy conversation about serious matters. Even after coming to me, she never asked me why I am distant. She doesnt talk about things.

Same with me, I cant ever make serious conversations with her. There are thousand things Id want to speak with her. And now shes on the road further down in a worse condition, and I fear she will get herself killed like my friend did years ago by heroin.


Im totally lost.
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AsGoodAsItGets
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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 173


« Reply #16 on: November 07, 2015, 07:58:51 AM »

I know yiur lost.  Watching someone you love go down that road.  Sir please let this one go.  I honestly saved my ex life,  had everything bad, drugs, cutting, sleeping with lots of men,  ...   after sacrifing everything for her to be in a better place, she wants nothing to do wirh me.  I am in a new relationship with a lovely women. Yet  from this paat experience my current relationship is lacking deep trust and love from me.  Saving anorher has tainted my self and veiw od relationships even healty ones.  The amount of healing is crazy.  Please focus on you... yiu have a good heart, save it for you and someone with an equal heart
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Turkish
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Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Other
Relationship status: "Divorced"/abandoned by SO in Feb 2013; Mother with BPD, PTSD, Depression and Anxiety: RIP in 2021.
Posts: 12104


Dad to my wolf pack


« Reply #17 on: November 15, 2015, 11:53:36 PM »

sangreal,

What's been going on in the last week, have you had contact?

T
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