I believe my GF is BPD need help understanding

[Helpwgf]

Gf for almost 3 yrs. first 3 months were great but one night she starts flipping out and screaming and talking for hours and hours, being nasty and nothing would make her stop. I knew something was wrong but of course she said it was me. So I choose to ignore it and it only got worse from there.

Our relationship has always gone from good and I love you to outbursts, and a bomb going off and exploitive fighting over small nothing little things. I cannot get get to stop screaming even in public places, malls lashing out and at home for hours. Anything can be a trigger. Usually something small I did not do right or a catch her in a lie and ask her about it. She blames it all on my stress and work.

I believe that she had a bad childhood in Vietnam, her Asian father was mean and verbally and physically abused her while her mother was away working in the city or did nothing to stop it and consoled her afterwards. She I great attachment to her parents telling them everything even her distorted lies of how I'm a horrible man and what I do to her.  When she flips out which very often she says nasty things about my family, ex gf, my job, other relationships and life and they always focus on the fact that according to her everything is my fault and I'm a terrible person who is horrible with everyone in his life and that I need to wake up and see I've done to others.  Her parents have their hand deep into out relationship and tell her that I'm bad and to leave me.  She has resisted them for years but they are stressing her out daily to leave me or they are going back Vietnam and they will die from her nit listening to them. Keep in mind she is 31 and the parents keep pressuring her to do what they say. The abusive controlling father dies not leave her and yes. Alone for one day.  This us pushing the sails stress even higher. She said that she has to live with her parents and take are of them.

They have heir nose in every aspect if out relationship and demand she move on and gave encouraged her to meet and see other men after 3 yrs. she cannot handle the stress so he us flipping out on me even more to push me away.  When she is stressed she leaves and goes out at night and I think she meets and engages in reckless sexual behavior to reduce her extreme stress due to her BPD.  I spoke with a professional who seems to think from the description that thus is what us going on with her. I'm deeply hurt because if what she is doing to me and that I think she has been cheating to reduce her stress. I'm broken up but do nit know how to help her.

   Thank you for listening

Op in need

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[HappyNihilist]

Hi there, Helpwgf, and welcome to the family. I'm glad you found us.

I'm sorry you're so hurt and confused.   It's understandable, given your situation. You love your girlfriend, and you feel compassion for her painful childhood and her current issues. The relationship has been tumultuous, and you want to make it better. You recognize that she has unhealthy traits and patterns. This is the first big step in learning how to improve your relationship.

No one here can diagnose your girlfriend, of course, but she definitely displays traits and behaviors that are common in BPD. This doesn't necessarily mean that she has 'clinical' BPD, but the tools and techniques you can learn here will apply regardless. I'd encourage you to learn more about BPD; this is a great starting point - BPD: What is it? How can I tell?

It's important to accept the realities of a relationship with a person with BPD (pwBPD) or BPD traits. This will help you understand what you can do to best support your girlfriend and have a successful relationship.

The do's and don'ts in a BPD relationship

Realistic Expectations: A person with BPD is emotionally underdeveloped and does not have "adult" emotional skills - especially in times of stress.  If you are in this type of relationship it is important to have realistic expectations for what the relationship can be in terms of consistent respect, trust and support, honesty and accountability, and in terms of negotiation and fairness, or expectations of non-threatening behavior.  It is important to accept the relationship behavior for what it is - not hope the person will permanently return to the idealization phase, not accept the external excuses for the bad behavior, and not hope that changing your behavior to heal someone else.

You'll find many people here who understand, and who have built successful relationships with BPD partners. There's a wealth of information and experience on these boards. I encourage you to keep posting. It helps so much to talk.