Home page of BPDFamily.com, online relationship supportMember registration here
March 28, 2024, 05:41:14 PM *
Welcome, Guest. Please login or register.

Login with username, password and session length
Board Admins: Kells76, Once Removed, Turkish
Senior Ambassadors: Cat Familiar, EyesUp, SinisterComplex
  Help!   Boards   Please Donate Login to Post New?--Click here to register  
bing
Experts share their discoveries [video]
100
Caretaking - What is it all about?
Margalis Fjelstad, PhD
Blame - why we do it?
Brené Brown, PhD
Family dynamics matter.
Alan Fruzzetti, PhD
A perspective on BPD
Ivan Spielberg, PhD
Pages: [1]   Go Down
  Print  
Author Topic: I'm Broken ... please help :(  (Read 411 times)
subm4tic

*
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 20


« on: September 21, 2015, 10:59:32 AM »

Hello its my first post here I need to write something I was sure that i'm stronger but ... .i'm not (sorry for my english)

About me:

I'm male (34), I'm single Dad, I'm living with my daughter since she is 5 (now she is 12) her mother dont have contact with her (set by court) heh. I was born in normal family my parents was normal I was happy when I was a child. I have sister as well.

I will try to short this story:

I'm writing because i meet girl in May 2014 - we meet and this is where our relatiobship started (it was to fast i know) but she told me that she loved me before she meet me in real life, she loved me when we talk by internet.

It was best relationship I could imagine (she was living 50miles from me).

One day she told me that we should start to live together if not we will need to breakup because its to far etc (she have daughter as well (6)), I told her that we can start to live in my place but she was not happy as kids will have not to much space (so ok). We started to look after house to buy (yes I know im stupid). We bought house on December and we moved in. And now problems started - after 2 days she told me that she want to move out (she had her flat in that place 50miles from our home but it was rented as we moved to our house). I ask her why ... .she told be because i have panic attack and anxiety attack. I didnt know what to do I phoned her mother to tell her I dont know what to do and I remember her mother told me (OH NO ITS THE SAME AGAIN)  heh. On 24 December she told my sister we lost each other etc. (It was 5 days after moved in). Heh then crazy things happend all the time she told me that i showed her from firt day when is her place I asked why? and she told me because i spoke with my sister (its not normal I think?).

Sometimes she was happy when my parents visited as sometimes she was angry (she told me THEY ARE COMING TODAY AGAIN? - not my parents THEY ) heh ... .They visited us only few times to help me with new carpets etc

Then she told me that she is impulsive and jealous. When I talk with our friend (girl) she phone me next day 20 times to aks and tell me that she think something can be between us heh.

A lot of things was on her feelings I KNOW YOU WILL DO THIS, I KNOW THAT WILL BE LIKE THAT etc.

One day she told me that I'm to peaceful and thats not good, she needed to do something to provoke me. And she did heh.

She was unhappy when her daughter wanted to keep my hand or my sisters hand not her she was sometimes happy when her daughter told DAD to me and sometimes not.

She couldn't sleep  at night at all. She was unhappy when i was doing music when i stopped she told me WHY you stopped it I'm proud that you are doing this. And that was every time

Sometimes she goes to sleep in different room to check i will go after her (like a child), when we walk together she was waiting that I will keep her hand first.

She told me few times Im leaving when I told her ok she started to cry and telling that She don't want me to be with someone else. It was a lot of small things like that.

She wanted do move out few times, she done everything to do that i think she provoke me and i said some bad things to her im sorry for that heh ...

Before we bought house she told me that when we will break up together she will leave me eveythng money, house etc (and she want to do that now) she told me as well that she always back when she loves someone - LIKE DOG.

she break up with me 3 days after 12 months together, After break up she moved out to her friends, she didnt want to talk with me only sometimes (I think when she wanted) she blame me for everything even for my ex girlfriends i was with before I meet her.

I was sorry for everything, even things that I didn't done

I told her that I love her etc and i want to see her she told me no ... .you only promise that you will drive to my place to see me (you think that she want this?) heh after 2 months she moved back from her friends to her flat.

I was there to see her few times (we sleep together on this times - kissing etc) she said to me that she love me miss me but we cant be together as we wasent NICE to each other, but she know It is big love between us. It is silent treatment ?

Or she don't want me anymore?

Then when i left her place she treat me like Im not exist, like rubbish

I seen her last time 5 weeks ago, she blocked me already on FB and open a badoo account etc, I try NO Contact but its very hard, 5 weeks and I'm still not good.

Today I seen her photos on her friend FB she was doing party at home with that few friends she have. But she was happy etc.

I cant sell that house as we bought it together, I cant remove her from property as I'm not earning that amount of money that we have together I don't know what to do.

I miss her very much every day, every hour

My friend told me to change my mobile number and be prepared for her to show up but nothig happend;( Maybe 5 weeks It's not so long?

She was undiagnosed I told her once that I think It's Borderline, but her answer was that I'm ill she is ok:/

Don't know what to do 1st thing because i still love her

2nd that I don't know what to do with that house

I feel shame that on the end of that i scream sometimes to her etc I know it was not good

How to get her back? what to do?

She told me that we are not family anymore and that we never will be, but she told me that she love me, she miss me, that i'm like a drug for her. But treat me like I'm not exist anymore. She told me stop driving to my place i ask her: Are you sure? and she hug me never said NO.


sorry for my english and mistakes hope you understand everything.
Logged
RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING
This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

subm4tic

*
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 20


« Reply #1 on: September 21, 2015, 12:03:05 PM »

I forgot: she told me that her parents didn't love her, and no one can love her.

she dont like to back to her parents home, she moved out when she was 17 because it was not good family (dysfunctional) her brother have schizofrenia.

and she told me that she hate her birthday, last time when I seen her she was drunk and told me that she dont want to live and dont want to exist

THX
Logged
Daniell85
*****
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Posts: 737


« Reply #2 on: September 21, 2015, 12:20:29 PM »

Hi   Welcome to BPD family.

What a tough time you are having.   It can get better!

Have you had a chance to read The Lessons to the right of this page?

Sometimes one of the best things to do is take a break while you read the lessons, and ask questions.

I am not clear on things... .are you married to her?

What did she say she wants to do about the house?

She isn't showing up at all to you on her own? If she is, when is the next time you may be able to talk to her or see her? We can help you with getting through those meetings productively, possibly.

Ask anything you like, we are here to help.
Logged
subm4tic

*
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 20


« Reply #3 on: September 21, 2015, 12:29:57 PM »

Hello, thx for answer.

She told me that she wants me to keep house and money (we paid half each) its strange heh

I wasn't married with her just in love heh ... .we was together 12 months

(i;m divorced with my ex wife and I;m single dad living with daughter)

I don't see her as she don't talk to me, blocked me on fb etc but still got my number and me on whatsapp,

Every time i was driving to her place i was staing for night we had sex, and sleeping together but day after she always didnt talk to me ... .like i don't exist.

Once she told me that she maybe will back but she afraid? afraid of what? and I should call her when she wants (I can't know when she wants that

I'm afraid about her daughter as well she is 6 now ... .and she is doing something bad with her ... .when she is happy she is starting talk to her "why are you so nervous" when she is doing homework she is screaming for her etc ... .heh

I cant do anything with that house at this stage because cant sell it till 2017 ... but i don't know that she will not show up here with some replacement? its still her house as well I think she know what she is doing as she own her flat in different town (i lost my as i was renting) so i don't have my own place now (so im here with my daughter) and waiting what will happend

It's very hard,

I was reading everything all books etc but that didn't help

Everyone telling go no contact and run, but ... .I cant do still because of house ... .and second that it was like a meeting with UFO heh till today I don't know whats happend... .



DO you thing that she will try to talk to me?

THX

Logged
Daniell85
*****
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Posts: 737


« Reply #4 on: September 21, 2015, 03:05:14 PM »

I don't know if she will try and talk to you.

It may be best that you sit back for now and let her come to you. A lot of times BPD feels overwhelmed and run away. Then when they calm down, they come back. But you really do have to let there be some time that passes.

Like weeks of you quiet and doing other things to take care of yourself and your daughter.

Also, maybe you need to protect yourself on the house. It's a really big commitment. If you are living there and making the payments, while she has bailed on the whole thing, then protect yourself. Make sure the payments are recorded as coming from you.

I think you may eventually need an attorney. And there IS the fact that she has abandoned the property. You may have some recourse to keep her from coming back with a replacement and moving in with you.
Logged
subm4tic

*
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 20


« Reply #5 on: September 21, 2015, 04:20:32 PM »

after last time I seen her and of course we sleep together Im in NC that didnt make any differencw as she didnt try to contac me anyway  heh so dont know that she will try.

I'm paying all bills etc from my account she wrote letter to lawyer that she dont want any money and she want to me keep the property (but she know I cant move her name from the property anyway after that letter to lawyer she told me "and what? im bad person?" she was telling me "IM GOOD PERSON few times a day when we was together"

I know I must care for me and my daughter I care for her for a long tome now bi I miss my ex I wpnder that she thinks about me? miss me? why she treat me like that? because in her head something told her I'm bad now? painted me black and painted all others white? (not exes but her Father was always painted black before but he was best person last time we was together the same her friends husbands was black when I was white... .)

hard as hell

Logged
ForeverDad
Retired Staff
*
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: separated 2005 then divorced
Posts: 18071


You can't reason with the Voice of Unreason...


« Reply #6 on: September 21, 2015, 05:11:42 PM »

People with BPD (pwBPD) can easily get triggered.  Evidently buying and moving into the house was a stress or trigger for her.  Be aware that when trying to unwind the relationship obligations such as the home ownership she can get triggered yet again.

But frankly, as much as you try to avoid (or reduce) triggering her, she can and will get triggered no matter what you do or don't do.  Try to accept that reality.  Maybe she will seek recovery, or maybe not.  If she does, maybe she will stick with it and apply it diligently in her life, or maybe not.  The point is that she's an adult, she controls her life, you can't fix her, in general terms only she can decide to fix her issues, she has to want it.  So knowing that, it will be good to see what you can do to improve yourself.  As already suggested, read the Tools and Skills advocated here.

Owning a house together could be a problem, right now you just don't know how much of a problem she might make it to be.  Since joint ownership of the house could have a huge legal impact on your life, you should (quietly) get a confidential legal advice from a local attorney or solicitor so you can know what options and solutions are available to you.  Knowing where you stand and what your risks are, you will be able to make more informed and more confident decisions.  Being more educated and knowing your options can be empowering and help you to have a more positive and objective perspective.
Logged

subm4tic

*
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 20


« Reply #7 on: September 21, 2015, 05:25:04 PM »

I seen lawyer and I cant do anything to be honest ... .I can sell house but in January 2017 but itsmore then a year  

I will go to see another Lawyer tomorrow ... .but dont think that he will tell me something new.

Do you think that she can move with her life ? just like that forget about me and about that we bought house together? forget about money? about eveything?

its still strange for me ... .after 5 weeks of NC

...

Logged
subm4tic

*
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 20


« Reply #8 on: September 23, 2015, 03:54:58 AM »

should I break NC? or just wait? her Birthday are in 15 days should I send her Happy Birthday wishes or just leave it how it is?

all the time when I was breaking NC and her ST? she was talking to me answered in 5sec etc but then goes ghost and ST mode again :/ ... .

or maybe she just dont want me anymore?

THX
Logged
waverider
Retired Staff
*
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Relationship status: married 8 yrs, together 16yrs
Posts: 7405


If YOU don't change, things will stay the same


« Reply #9 on: September 23, 2015, 04:18:56 AM »

All interactions with her will be unstable, unpredictable and inconsistent. So regardless of what the long term future holds you need to start working on your own independent stability, this is essential for the welfare of your daughter.

If the house cannot be sold for sometime then concentrate on arranging some sort of stable roof over your head now. Even if she flips the other way, it is likely to flip back again, so it is important that your life is not dependent on her whims or appeasement.

If there is any permanent changes in her, if they happen at all, wil take a long time to happen
Logged

  Reality is shared and open to debate, feelings are individual and real
subm4tic

*
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 20


« Reply #10 on: September 23, 2015, 04:35:03 AM »

I can always move out to my parents... .so I should wait and dont break NC and see what she will do?
Logged
ForeverDad
Retired Staff
*
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: separated 2005 then divorced
Posts: 18071


You can't reason with the Voice of Unreason...


« Reply #11 on: September 23, 2015, 05:49:50 AM »

Why should you move out of the house?  Is she coming back to live there?  Do you need some of her income to continue paying for the house?

I get the impression that she is not controlling or dictatorial - or as controlling as she could be?  If her focus more on herself or on others?  Everyone is different and pwBPD are no exceptions.  If she is not emotionally or legally 'attacking' you, then it may be that she is focused more on herself and her feelings of distress, etc.  If so, then your legal issues may not be as severe as others have experienced.

I'm often over on the Family Law board and over there we seem to get the relationship leftovers that were controlled and manipulated by demands, ultimatums, confrontations and obstructed parenting.  So if her behaviors are not quite like that then you may be able to make at least some so-parenting arrangements that are less unreasonable for you.
Logged

subm4tic

*
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 20


« Reply #12 on: September 23, 2015, 06:11:15 AM »

She is not doing anything, anything bad etc just left me without the money but I managed to do everything and I can pay for house myself. Im asking you what to do bexause I miss her I want her back  heh

I told that I can move to my parents in emergency situation because I never know what she will do yes?  I'm waiting that maybe she will talk to me on some point? but i don't know she moved to her place and seems to be happy? with her old friends? and i know she drinks a lot  


I dont know that its better to talkt to her or just wait for her ? if she decide to talk to me first.

Logged
ForeverDad
Retired Staff
*
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: separated 2005 then divorced
Posts: 18071


You can't reason with the Voice of Unreason...


« Reply #13 on: September 23, 2015, 09:10:46 AM »

Have you accepted, really accepted, that even if she does return it will still be a troubled relationship and she is very likely to leave again sooner or later?  She has significant relationship issues.  Her returning will not 'fix' her.  To make real progress toward recovery she needs effective therapy over years.  Only she can do that.  You can support her if she makes that choice but you can't do it for her.  As the saying goes, You can lead a horse to water but you can't make it drink.

On the practical aspect, is there any paperwork she would have to sign when you are eventually able to sell the house?  Maybe you could get the various forms and papers signed sooner and then put them in safekeeping so you are less likely to get sabotaged or obstructed a couple years from now.
Logged

subm4tic

*
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 20


« Reply #14 on: September 26, 2015, 03:58:57 AM »

Yes i accepted that all and still miss her and want her back  could you tell me what to do? should I start to talk to her? o just wait ?

Logged
babyducks
********
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Gay, lesb
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 2920



« Reply #15 on: September 26, 2015, 07:40:41 AM »

hi subm4tic

since you have accepted that she has significant relationship issues the place to start is understanding how to work within the relationship issues.

the best way to learn to do that is with the LESSONS which are in the box that run down the right hand side of the page >> >>

the lessons will help you do what waverider suggested,  develop your own independent stability.   

the best advice I got when I was first here was to let emotions cool, both of our emotions, keep any interaction low key and learn all I can.

'ducks
Logged

What lies behind us and what lies ahead of us are tiny matters compared to what lives within us.
subm4tic

*
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 20


« Reply #16 on: September 29, 2015, 04:06:07 AM »

Still don't know that I should break ST or just wait heh

I'm afraid if I will break ST she will push me away  

but If I don't she will move on with someone else?

what to do ? :/

It's that hard day today
Logged
subm4tic

*
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 20


« Reply #17 on: October 02, 2015, 04:55:53 AM »

Should I send her birthday wishes? or just stay NC and wait when she will break ST?

THX
Logged
babyducks
********
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Gay, lesb
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 2920



« Reply #18 on: October 02, 2015, 05:42:36 AM »

Hi subm4tic,

there is no way to predict what she will or won't do, say or feel.

what is slightly easier to get a handle on is what you will feel and how you do feel.   Smiling (click to insert in post)

when I first came here a member by the name of Winston72 told me this

Excerpt
twisting yourself into a pretzel trying to shape yourself to match her ability to understand/comprehend ends up with you terribly twisted in your own thinking and overly identified with her thinking

and that was very helpful to me.   my actions should be based on my feelings, not on hers.  my actions should reflect my values.     if you want to talk to her, if you think you are emotionally in a good place then the decision is up to you.   

All interactions with her will be unstable, unpredictable and inconsistent. So regardless of what the long term future holds you need to start working on your own independent stability, this is essential for the welfare of your daughter.

I think waverider had a good point when he said work on your own independent stability.   Being involved with a person with BPD means being very stable and strong in our own selves.   

what do you think you should do?

'ducks
Logged

What lies behind us and what lies ahead of us are tiny matters compared to what lives within us.
subm4tic

*
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 20


« Reply #19 on: October 02, 2015, 09:44:45 AM »

I have mixed feelings I miss her and I think I should speak to her but I know if I will show that she will treat me like im not exist again after that so not sure what to do anyway  Her birthday are 15th so will wait 2 more weeks, I will ask my T what she thinka about this tomorrow  

worst thing it's that sometimes im thinking that she was perfect lovely etc and I'm that bad guy  
Logged
ForeverDad
Retired Staff
*
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: separated 2005 then divorced
Posts: 18071


You can't reason with the Voice of Unreason...


« Reply #20 on: October 02, 2015, 09:53:58 AM »

Yes I accepted that all  and still miss her and want her back  could you tell me what to do? should I start to talk to her? o just wait ?

This is about YOU.  She has already left or run away.  In your logical head you realize the relationship is dysfunctional and has failed.  In your emotional heart your hopes and wishes still long for what you felt you had (even if you never actually had it or at least not for very long).

Give your emotional heart time to catch up with your logical head.  Since you do share ownership of a house, you may not be able to stop all contact.  Just be careful that your contact doesn't fool your heart and give you false hopes.  Any contact now would have to be minimal and very cautious.  You know your risks best (emotional and legal) so the decisions are up to you.

I will ask my T what she thinka about this tomorrow

Yes, definitely discuss your feelings with your T, it will be good to have an additional objective perspective.  The T has had training in a classroom and years of counseling.  We have training in life that was turned upside down.

worst thing it's that sometimes im thinking that she was perfect lovely etc and I'm that bad guy

That's the Blame Shifting.  She's somehow made you doubt yourself.  While you have some responsibility for the relationship and its failure - no one is perfect - it is probably only a minor portion.  Don't take more responsibility than is appropriate, otherwise she would succeed in guilting you overmuch or causing you to doubt yourself when there is no basis to do so.

My ex was/is lovely.  So were so many ex-spouses described here.  Yet they are ex-spouses and ex-BF/GFs - for solid reasons.  Prettiness is skin deep, what's inside is what reall matters.

From Proverbs 31:

10 Who can find a capable wife? Her value is far more than that of corals.

11 Her husband trusts her from his heart, And he lacks nothing of value.

12 She rewards him with good, not bad, All the days of her life.

25 She is clothed with strength and splendor, And she looks to the future with confidence.

26 She opens her mouth in wisdom; The law of kindness is on her tongue.

30 Charm may be false, and beauty may be fleeting, But the woman who fears Jehovah will be praised.

31 Give her the reward for what she does, And let her works praise her in the city gates.

Logged

subm4tic

*
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 20


« Reply #21 on: October 03, 2015, 11:28:28 AM »

I'm after meeting with my T today, she told me i should stop thinking about that what she will do if I wil do X what she will do if i will do Y ... .I should think how I feel and do what my feelings will say to me.

I can do X or Y but it always can be wrong for her ... .so If I feel i should send her wishes I should do this ... .

My T told me that i'm first person that she wish my ex will never talk again to me and hope she will be with someone else or maybe she is ... .heh

Have a nice weekend

Logged
Can You Help Us Stay on the Air in 2024?

Pages: [1]   Go Up
  Print  
 
Jump to:  

Our 2023 Financial Sponsors
We are all appreciative of the members who provide the funding to keep BPDFamily on the air.
12years
alterK
AskingWhy
At Bay
Cat Familiar
CoherentMoose
drained1996
EZEarache
Flora and Fauna
ForeverDad
Gemsforeyes
Goldcrest
Harri
healthfreedom4s
hope2727
khibomsis
Lemon Squeezy
Memorial Donation (4)
Methos
Methuen
Mommydoc
Mutt
P.F.Change
Penumbra66
Red22
Rev
SamwizeGamgee
Skip
Swimmy55
Tartan Pants
Turkish
whirlpoollife



Powered by MySQL Powered by PHP Powered by SMF 1.1.21 | SMF © 2006-2020, Simple Machines Valid XHTML 1.0! Valid CSS!