Hi goin_lost_in,
I became a rescuer and codependent on her. I really don't know what to do at this point since she moved in with me and has no where else to go. She came from California to Hawaii and has no real family or friends. She started dating online where all the guys that come into contact with her wants only sex because she sends them provacative pictures of her. She already told me that she's not interested in a relationship, but contradicts herself since she says she wants a relationship from other men. I tried to leave her before prior to her moving in with me, but she chases back where everything seemed to be on cloud 9. The place prior to her moving in was unsafe because she lived with a drug addict and a dealer, but he moved back with his wife.
The most important point with overcoming rescuing is to become aware of our contribution and thus our ability to put a stop to it. Boundaries aka. limits are your friend. It is easy to blame her for your rescuing. Most likely some tendency existed before her time (often seeds were put there in childhood). And blaming her just distracts from the responsibility you have here to yourself. As drugs and alcohol seems to be involved to a degree have you considered reaching out to AA as a partner? They have experience with rescuing and codependency.
She's an exotic dancer to top it off, so she clearly is no saint. Once the alcohol kicks in she blacks out and becomes another person. She states that i am her best friend and she is mines, but she clearly does know nothing about me because when i bring in my personal life moments. She does not even seem interested at all about my life and problems. My friends see that i've been down lately and have pushed both my family and friends away because of her. What do i do? Please help? I'm clearly on the road to have a mental breakdown and am having signs of depression lately.
You can't fix her. But you can maintain a healthy environment for yourself and without that you can't fix her even less. Do not be afraid putting yourself first! Don't push others away even when that may cause upset for her - these upsets are really her problem. It is only fair if she gets upset by something you do - you don't do it for the sake of upsetting her but you do it for yourself.
Please help since i can't tell any of my close friends and family that she has BPD. If i did they would automatically get her out of my home. She pays rent with me, but all the things i do for her seems as if i was a significant other though she just treats me as a roommate. I take care of chores, bring her to appointments, help her get her life on track, care for her when she needs help over and beyond a normal friendship. She calls me her best friend and said i will never get rid of her even of she moves out once shes financially stable.
You are absolutely right - you can't tell she is suffering from BPD. You have a professional diagnosis and even if you had it is not something for you to share. You can however share some of the upsetting behavior you are dealing with. Abuse lives in the shadow and while light won't cure everything it is quite a good disinfectant reducing the risk of further spreading.
You need to take care of you. Can you get in therapy? I recently started therapy again, and it's really helping me to deal with all of this, and to focus my attention back on me.
You are facing abuse, are exhausted and are faced with difficult decisions. Reaching out to a T may be a good idea... .
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a0
