Modify parenting plan

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

Well surprise surprise. I texted ex and told him I was filing an ex parte motion today and he agreed to just sign to Modify the Parenting Plan. So I did the paperwork and we went to the courthouse and signed. Daughter has no overnights with him, he gets daughter during my evening working hours if he has a safe place to bring her and I have discretion to find a sitter if I feel daughter isn't safe and discretion over any additional parenting time! I am in shock that he just agreed.

[rarsweet]

Well surprise surprise. I texted ex and told him I was filing an ex parte motion today and he agreed to just sign to Modify the Parenting Plan. So I did the paperwork and we went to the courthouse and signed. Daughter has no overnights with him, he gets daughter during my evening working hours if he has a safe place to bring her and I have discretion to find a sitter if I feel daughter isn't safe and discretion over any additional parenting time! I am in shock that he just agreed.

[kells76]

Congratulations, rarsweet! Based on what I've read about your situation, that sounds like a relief. I hope that helps keep conflict and boundary busting down for you.

[Panda39]

Nice! 

Hopefully now things will improve with the ex in terms of boundaries and your daughter will have safer visits with dad.

Panda39

[ForeverDad]

YOU set a Boundary.  YOU made this happen.   It is not uncommon that some of our disordered ex-spouses will cave or be less unreasonable when you are finally ready to return to the Real Authority - court.  (And he probably had his own reasons to avoid court, me thinks.)

So weird... .what you saw as such a huge issue virtually vanished when you set your boundary.  Good for you, even better for your child.

Going forward, remember this lesson.  Boundaries are good for you.  While there will be exceptions now and then - keep them rare - and maybe your boundaries will need to be adjusted periodically, but overall stick to your boundaries.

[rarsweet]

So ex texted me today freaking out because the court has rejected our agreed parenting plan until ex does another financial affidavit and we doo support papers. He was basically begging me to not go after him for support. Honestly I don't want anything. He is jobless for two years now and has had like 4 jobs lasting less than a year his 36 years of life. A support order or a "seek work" order would just land him in jail or a revoked license. I would be perfectly happy to stay with our parenting plan and no child support order. I don't want to have to fight for it. I live within my means and am going to school to have better income eventually. Do you think that's crazy of me?

[GaGrl]

You are in a position to ask for and lock in anything you want.

Do it now.

If that means supervised visitation and he can't meet the requirements, so be it.

This will require that you set up alternative childcare arrangements.  In he long run, this is a good move.

[livednlearned]

So ex texted me today freaking out because the court has rejected our agreed parenting plan until ex does another financial affidavit and we doo support papers. He was basically begging me to not go after him for support. Honestly I don't want anything. He is jobless for two years now and has had like 4 jobs lasting less than a year his 36 years of life. A support order or a "seek work" order would just land him in jail or a revoked license. I would be perfectly happy to stay with our parenting plan and no child support order. I don't want to have to fight for it. I live within my means and am going to school to have better income eventually. Do you think that's crazy of me?

Have you talked to a lawyer about any of this? At a minimum, it's good to make sure the facts are coming from someone in the system, and not from something that your ex says.

[rarsweet]

When we submitted our agreed parenting plan last week we didn't submit child support paperwork. We didn't have a standing support order before hand. The judge is saying he won't accept our agreed upon new parenting plan unless we fill out a child support guidelines worksheet, a Uniform Support Order, and last week I had submitted a financial affidavit, ex didn't, the judge is making him before he will sign off on our agreement. I hadn't asked for a support order. Well the judge says we have to submit something anyway. Honestly I want to just agree to no support at this time to get this signed and done. He doesn't have a job, I can't get blood from a stone. In New Hampshire if ne party is unemployed the court can issue a "seek work order". He would have to look for a certain number of jobs a week and report them to me and the court. If he doesn't comply then his license could be revoked or found in contempt. First I doubt he will find a job let alone stay at a job for more than a few months. It seems like I would constantly have to be dealing with trying to get child support and he could be constantly having job changes. I'm just trying to be realistic and not waste my time and energy. I would feel differently if he had a steady stable job making twice what I make or something but he doesn't. And I have a great financial aid package for school, if I received child support my aid would go down. I would rather keep getting that than try to get it from him.

[Panda39]

A support order or a "seek work" order would just land him in jail or a revoked license. I would be perfectly happy to stay with our parenting plan and no child support order. I don't want to have to fight for it. I live within my means and am going to school to have better income eventually. Do you think that's crazy of me?

I don't think you are crazy to think about this (but talk to a lawyer too).  Your ex has lived his life a certain way and it is likely based on past experience he will continue to live this way.  (It could be argued that the need for child support could "motivate" him to work but to me this seems doubtful... .and so it seems to you too)

I was married to a man for 20 years with a good work ethic and an alcohol problem. 

When I divorced my son was 16 (very different than having a young child like you do).

I was awarded child support but I planned my life upon leaving on the assumption I would need to do it on my own.  So when we split I made sure to rent an apartment that I could afford on my own for example.  I had a year of child support and then my ex had his 3rd DUI and went to work smelling like alcohol and was fired.

He hit rock bottom... .lost his wife, his son, his job, his driving privileges and his retirement (used for legal fees and to live on).

I could live on my own and did for the last year I was due support.  What was the point of going after money from someone without any?  Why kick someone why their down?  Why not show some compassion instead... .good example for my son.

I let that 1 year go this was my husband for 20 years, this was my sons father, I could get along with out the child support so I chose not to pursue it.

My son is a 22 year old student and still lives with me.  I can no longer afford a two bed-room apartment on my own but my son is now working and pitching in.  He is doing his part and learning to be a better man than his dad.

After hitting rock bottom my ex has been sober for the last 4 years and is showing my son that he can step up and be clean and sober.  My son still doesn't receive financial support from his dad but he is at least now sober and emotionally present.

Your daughter is much younger and you have a lot of years of her being dependent on you so I wouldn't burn all of your bridges.  Maybe you leave it at is for now but ask the court to re-evaluate the situation in 5 years or when your daughter starts school etc. Or maybe you ask that dad be responsible for something small that maybe he can manage (and if he can't manage you can still do if need be)... .school supplies? school lunches? some clothes? etc.

Panda39

[rarsweet]

I thought maybe half of all unreimbursed medical, half of future school supplies, and half of daycare costs if I ever need to use daycare? Eventually I will want at least part time preschool for her and I will have to pay for it here. In New Hampshire you can modify child support orders every 3 years or when there is a change in circumstances. She is 14 months now so I could reevaluate before school. I mean the guy has had 4 jobs, milking cows at 20, 1999(one summer), driving for Domino's in 2003(7 months), changing tires in 2008(6 months), and cnc machining for a year from 2012-2013. That is the extent of his work history. I didn't know him until 2012. It seems he has sort of bounced around, When he was 18 he lived with his dad's neighbors(VT), then moved in with a girlfriend(NH), then his stepbrother(SC), then his dad again(NH), then another girlfriend(NH), then with someone in New MexicoHe will just, then another girlfriend(VT),then his grandmother, then with his uncle(CO), then he stayed with his brother(Alaska), then with a friend in Hawaii, then went back to his uncles for a few months before moving back to NH to stay with a friend where he met me. When we first split he wanted to move to Vt to stay with his sister, judge didn't let him take daughter, so he stayed here with his dad until they got kicked out.  He has even said to me he just wants to find a friend's where he can hang his hat. It's crazy. The man has had stuff in storage here in NH for like 10 years. He will get a toaster or microwave or clothes and just add to his storage unit S I just really don't want to deal with it.

[Panda39]

I hear you, I'm the same way it was just easier to do it myself than rely on someone that wasn't reliable. 

Talk it over with your lawyer because they will be able to tell you what the ramifications might be for you now and in the future if you pass on child support now.  For example if you pass on it now will it make it harder for you to receive it in the future if you need it? (assuming the ex has something to give in the way of support  )

[rarsweet]

Since our original agreed parenting plan in June it seems like ex has just kind of rolled over. He hasn't disputed anything I want for daughter or disagreed with any of my parenting. The first mediator told me way back in last October that ex just didn't want to pay support. I think he just wants to be assured of having time with daughter and not be pressured to get a job. Other than that it's like he doesn't care. It's like a 5 year old with a kid. He just wants to have some play time, fun time, with her and he's all set. I can live with that I think. He's not doing drugs or drinking, he's not abusing her, he does have fun with her. I strangely think this is the best scenario I could ask for. If it will work in 5 years or 10 years I don't know.

[ForeverDad]

I've learned that when Gagrl pipes up, listen.

You are in a position to ask for and lock in anything you want.

Do it now.

If that means supervised visitation and he can't meet the requirements, so be it.

... .In the long run, this is a good move.

We understand you don't want to upset ex's life.  We get it.  But... .A big risk we face is feeling sorry for our ex-spouses/xBFs/xGFs.  The problem with that empathy is that it isn't consistently reciprocated, often never.  That means we end up sabotaging ourselves.

What's so wrong with a seek work order?  He's a father, he's an adult (age-wise), there are responsibilities that go along with parenthood.

In short, it's his problem.  Not yours.  Don't let him make his problems your problems.  And don't offer to shoulder them for him, not even if you feel guilted for following the court's rules and procedures.

What might help is to find out from your lawyer or the child support enforcement agency whether they pursue non-payment automatically or whether they leave it to you to report it.  If it's ordered in such a way that it is left up to you to report, then you can always choose whether to report or not.  Just be aware that you probably can't let him get 5 or 10 years behind and then decide to demand it all, there may be a limit to how far back they can go to recover past child support.

I'm wondering, isn't him seeking work or actually working a good thing?  Why be so fretful over it?

[livednlearned]

These are hard dilemmas.

A system like the one you're describing makes you feel as though you have a choice. And that if you do something (file for better protections), then you'll cause xyz (ex going to jail).

What I found is that when I didn't engage with the system in which the system expected me to engage, then when I found myself in court at a later date, the judge wanted to know why I didn't do xyz.

You can get punished by the system when you don't follow the rules, so in a way it doesn't end up being much of a choice.

[rarsweet]

The s.o.b actually asked me to give him a copy of his last financial affidavit so he can just copy what he had down onto a new one. Seems he doesn't have the brain power to ask his old lawyer for a copy or keep one for himself. I said how are you going to claim you pay rent if you are homeless and how do you pay for daughter's food and diapers if she isn't with you? So now he wants me to lie and say he is paying for her groceries at my house. I told him I'm not going to lie in court. Seriously you guys are right. I will just let the system deal with him. So I told him he until tonight to do his part of the agreement paperwork r I file alone tomorrow and get him served.

[bravhart1]

Rarsweet,

Please remember that just because you are looking at this with your "lense" doesn't mean he isn't looking at it with his. Maybe right NOW he isn't being a jerk, but what happens in a few years when you are out of school, making good money and he sues YOU for child support?

Dont think it can't happen. Odds are you are going to look like a meal ticket to this guy down the road. Do your best to protect yourself now. Whether that means establishing full custody with a few hours of play time a week, or a large arrears balance to work from for him.

I know women who are working two jobs to support themselves, their child, and their ex. Because "he isn't a good worker" what ever that means in court.

You trying to get ahead and establish a good life for yourself and your daughter might be just what he wants too, if he has your daughter even a few days a week, you might be paying his rent for the privilege.

[rarsweet]

The parenting plan we submitted is that he only has daughter for my evening working hours, no overnights unless I agree. We submitted a no support order. Now just waiting for the judge to sign it or not. I did ask for just a temporary modification to the orders so we will definitely have court before the end of the year. His unemployment runs out the second week of November. He still hasn't found housing, just crashing with friends about 20 minutes from me, but he put his sister's address for his residence and mailing address with the court. That is abut 2 hours away. So he has kind of screwed himself out of shared parenting unless he fesses up to lying about where he is staying to the court. He did offer to pay for diapers a few weeks ago. His words " If I buy diapers at the beginning of the month and give them to you can you just pack a bag of diapers for me when you go to work?" I said sure whatever. Still no diapers. Now on Monday he asked if I would go through my grocery receipts and tell him half of daughter's food costs and he would give me that money. But he wants me to subtract the amount of money it costs him to have her the 16 hours a week he has her my evening shifts. Lol. He doesn't even make sense. I said nope. I don't have time to go through receipts. I would rather just work myself and make money. I did accept an old bosses job offer this week. Started a second job just 10 hours a week, but pretty good money considering. I really can't wait to see the judge's reaction to a single breastfeeding mom(of a 15 month old) with 2 jobs(4.5 yrs and returning to a former job) and a full time college student and a homeless, lying, still jobless dad. I just feel so good about the last year. Hard work, patience, and acceptance pays off.

[rarsweet]

Lol and last September he was in court asking for sole custody and the right to move away and for me to have supervised visits on an unset schedule. It really is funny. Sometimes if we just stay out of someone's way they bury themselves. A great woman told me last September that forgiveness means " I'm not going to waste my time trying to destroy you, I will spend my time focusing on me." She is so right.