High Functioning BS Meter

[IsItHerOrIsItMe]

In another topic formflier mention pwBPD can have be high functioning with a good BS meter, which can make SET difficult.  (https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=283304.0;all)

It brought up a recurring issue with my uBPDw, also about moving so I wanted to break it out into a new thread.

In my case, before we got married 5+ years ago we decided I would move into her house, at least until her s got into high school. 

Early on I'm giving a tour of my/our new house to family members.  My w joins the group as I tell my sister-in-law it doesn't feel like "my house".  My sister in law is also divorced & remarried to my brother and she acknowledges what I understands how I feel.

Every conversation since when we talk about moving, or how the house doesn't feel like mine, my w will use as an argument that just because my sister-in-law said something doesn't mean the house doesn't feel like mine... .

Years ago I quit arguing about it, and will simply state my views are my own/ regardless what anyone else thinks... .I've gotten better about flatly stating "I'm not going to argue with you about what I think".

SET has never entered my mind in this situation... .My w is so far from realizing her own feelings (sad/unimportant because I may agree with sister-in-law instead of her) I think my trying to empathize with a feeling she doesn't recognize would make things worse.  She would certainly recognize it and believe I'm patronizing her.

She also discusses everything in terms of right or wrong, so any discussion other that if my feelings are "right" quickly degenerates into dis-regulation.  So her thinking is if I didn't listen to my sister-in-law then I would never feel the "wrong" feeling that it isn't my house... .

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[Heldfast]

My BPDexfiancee is very high functioning and a narcissist. There is no right and wrong, there is her and everybody else.

[TheRealJongoBong]

My BPDexfiancee is very high functioning and a narcissist. There is no right and wrong, there is her and everybody else.

My wife is also that way. Long ago I made to rules to live with her:

1. (Wife) is always right

2. If (Wife) is wrong, see rule #1

[seang]

My BPDexfiancee is very high functioning and a narcissist. There is no right and wrong, there is her and everybody else.

I hear that!

[formflier]

 

Isitherorisitme,

What are you after here... .advice on how to handle this... .or advice on how to try SET?

It seems like you are going down the right road by not arguing.

Sometimes... .sometimes... .I will "let the question convict the conscience... ."

So... .when my wife "tells" me how I feel... .the only thing that comes from me... .is need helping understanding how she knows this... .

I sometimes get tired of being the one to exit conversations... .and all that... .so it is my form of "standing my ground... "

If she wants further conversation with me... .she can explain her mind reading powers... .or if my response to her mind reading is frustrating... .she can go do something else... .

There are times when I thought there was some value in this approach.  I think a little bit of my point sunk in.

Note:  If she is already mad about something... .I wouldn't try it.  I would usually do this when she was calmer... but for some reason wanted to explain my thoughts to me.

Perhaps something like this might gain your traction... .

How often do you fight this battle?

FF

[IsItHerOrIsItMe]

I guess I'm looking for strategies to apply SET.

Now it usually goes something like:

Her: Just because s-i-l says it's not your house doesn't mean it's not your house, your name is on the deed

Me: What s-i-l said isn't relevant, My feelings are that it doesn't feel like my house.  We agreed to start thinking of moving after 2 years, now it's been 6.  S-17 graduates this year I'd like to progress toward moving.

Her: Just because we move won't change anything, it'll still be the kids house too... .S-17 may be commuting next year to college and if we move he'll have to drive farther.

Me: (trying to address the most relevant of the 3 topics she introduced... .) Yes, S-17 may add 10 minutes to his commute next year, but I don't view that as a reason to not move... .

What I envision if I apply SET:

Her: Just because s-i-l says it's not your house doesn't mean it's not your house, your name is on the deed

Me: I understand you're sad I may give s-i-l's opinion weight.  But this is something I've been thinking of myself... .

Her: I'm not sad, I just can't believe you think it's not your house... .S-i-l doesn't know everything... .

So it boils down to how to you support an emotion they don't know they're having?

[formflier]

So it boils down to how to you support an emotion they don't know they're having?

Yeah, you don't.  Very risky because of chances of invalidation or them calling you out with a BS meter. I've got some ideas...

Her: Just because s-i-l says it's not your house doesn't mean it's not your house, your name is on the deed

Me: What s-i-l said isn't relevant, My feelings are that it doesn't feel like my house.  We agreed to start thinking of moving after 2 years, now it's been 6.  S-17 graduates this year I'd like to progress toward moving.

I think you invalidated her.

You are both entitled to your feelings and opinions on the relevance of your SIL's statements. Lots of times pwBPD take and "us and them" view of things. "us" is your wife. "them" is you and SIL… I believe you can be true to your thoughts and values... and "join" your wife's team. And still want to move. And still get to have your "point"... .

You:  "Oh honey... .you are absolutely right.  SIL should have stayed out of it.  Very frustrating to have people push their opinions on your. It is my house" (change this up to make it authentic to you)

You:  How do you feel about our home? (do not ask about SIL... it's a rabbit trail... don't go there)  (do not use house... .use home... )  Listen for things to validate... validation is not agreement.

You:  "I love making a home with you"  (this is a concept... .not a structure... )

What do you think of this approach so far?  

Goals... .

1.  Get SIL out of the conversation... .

2.  Get on your wife's team... .

3.  Stop talking about the structure... .the address.

Once the temp is down... .and new language is established (home vs house)... .you may be able to make a home in another location.

[IsItHerOrIsItMe]

You:  "Oh honey... .you are absolutely right.  SIL should have stayed out of it.  Very frustrating to have people push their opinions on your. It is my house" (change this up to make it authentic to you)

Most of it sounds good... .I'm not sure about this one, how saying "It is my house" helps.  It is technically and legally true, but it either 1. doesn't get past the BS meter or 2. Is interpreted as "I love it here, I no longer want to move (she's told her brother a number of times that she thinks I'm secretly falling in love with the house... .I mean home  )

[formflier]

 

I can understand your concern.

Make the suggested lines "real" to you with you language and all that.

When I feel feisty, and my wife states how I feel I will ask something like this:

"Are you asking me my feelings about this house?"

her "I already know how you feel... .I don't have to ask" (or something close to this)

me "Ohh... .would you like water or milk to drink.  I'm going to get me something"  (as I head to kitchen to get something)

At this point, I drop the conversation or trying to convince her that she doesn't know my thoughts.

For me, this seems to be working right now to end the mind probe with minimal drama.

FF

[TheRealJongoBong]

This comment is not quite on the point of the BS meter, but more about your wife's house and moving. It seems to me that your wife has attached a large emotional significance to the house and that the talk about moving is triggering her fears of abandonment. Applying SET to talking about the house and your feelings is missing the point, it might be more important to apply SET to her fears about changing environments.

I also moved into my wife's house so that her daughter would have a stable environment through high school. When we sold the house and moved it was tremendously stressful on my wife. I didn't know about BPD at the time and didn't recognize how this move might have triggered her. In hindsight her behavior at the time now makes perfect sense, and I think I could have made the move a lot less stressful had I applied SET to those feelings.

[OffRoad]

Can you move without selling the house? Maybe rent it out?

Here is what I see: She doesn't want to move. Period. Nothing that has happened in the last 6 years has changed her mind about that. That is her house, her anchor.

Her: Just because s-i-l says it's not your house doesn't mean it's not your house, your name is on the deed.

You: I know you made sure my name was on the deed, honey, and I am so appreciative that we made this our home while S-17 was in school. I know you realize that this sometimes doesn't FEEL like my house to me. I suppose it's because we had talked about moving to a different house in a few years back when we first got married, and I have been looking forward to that, choosing a home together. Now that S-17 will be graduating, we've made sure he got to stay in his school throughout high school, and I'd like to move forward with our original plan to move.

But expect push back, no matter what.