How to Respond to Text Threatening to Cut Me Off from My Kid

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

I left my N/BPD wife a week ago.  We are not divorced. There are no custody orders.  She knew for months this was coming as it was related to a relocation for my job.  My DD - 17 - wanted to stay where she is to finish school.  Needless to say, N/BPDW was ratcheting up the crazy behavior the closer we got to my moving out.  At least twice in one week I had to barricade myself inside a room in the house because she was coming at me and in once instance when I successfully got out of the house she stood in the street and made a scene until the neighbor's called police. 

She has twice - including today - made threats to report me as an abuser of her an my DD.  This morning she called me and cursed me out and then sent me a text saying "because of the threats I've made against her" and DD she is forbidding me to talk to DD.  Wow!  I don't even know how to respond - of at all to this -or chalk it up to one of her rages at one of her triggers and let it go for now. 

Any advice would be appreaciated?  Do I respond?  How?

[fsoduck]

I left my N/BPD wife a week ago.  We are not divorced. There are no custody orders.  She knew for months this was coming as it was related to a relocation for my job.  My DD - 17 - wanted to stay where she is to finish school.  Needless to say, N/BPDW was ratcheting up the crazy behavior the closer we got to my moving out.  At least twice in one week I had to barricade myself inside a room in the house because she was coming at me and in once instance when I successfully got out of the house she stood in the street and made a scene until the neighbor's called police. 

She has twice - including today - made threats to report me as an abuser of her an my DD.  This morning she called me and cursed me out and then sent me a text saying "because of the threats I've made against her" and DD she is forbidding me to talk to DD.  Wow!  I don't even know how to respond - of at all to this -or chalk it up to one of her rages at one of her triggers and let it go for now. 

Any advice would be appreaciated?  Do I respond?  How?

[enlighten me]

Hi fsoduck

I sorry you are going through this.

You need to protect yourself. Do you have anything apart from her text that shows her threatening you or threatening to stop you seeing your daughter?

Is there a domestic abuse helpline that you could call and ask for advice?

If it came to it would the neighbours support your side of the story as being the victim or would they back her side?

From now on I would only communicate by text or email to leave a paper trail. If you call her there is no log of what was said and she could say you threatened her.

[livednlearned]

Hi fsoduck,

I'm glad you made it out ok and are safe -- it sounds awful how you had to live those last months under the same roof, feeling unsafe in your own home. It's always very stressful when our spouses escalate the tension and take things to a whole new level. Your wife has an excessive fear of abandonment, and now that abandonment has taken place (even if she wanted it and contributed to it actually happening). Things are at the peak of tension.

What happened when the police arrived? Was a report filed?

Would you be comfortable consulting with a criminal lawyer (or, depending on how things work where you live, a family law attorney)? It's a good idea to do this because they can give you some very important advance tips about what to do if your wife goes through with this false allegation.

For example, an attorney might advise you to correspond with your wife in order to produce more evidence that she is intending to make a threat. Or, an attorney might advise you to talk to the police. I remember reading somewhere that police are very influenced by the person who makes the first report in a DV case, so maybe it's the same with a perceived threat of false allegation. If you tell the police that you are concerned about the stability of your wife, and that she has made false allegations, that may help you offset her next move.

Consulting with a lawyer is not the same as retaining one -- you can sometimes consult for $100 or so for 30 minutes to ask pertinent questions.

[ForeverDad]

Your daughter is 17, within a year she will be an adult (if your country sets 18 as the age for adulthood).  Since acting-out PD divorces often take many months if not a year or two, she will likely be an adult by the time the decree is final.  So what custody is not a long term issue, the remaining months are important.

First, you need to ask the court for D to participate in counseling.  (Courts generally love counseling for the children.  But be aware any order for counseling will probably end when she turns 18.)  It seems she's been alienated from you and that is a very serious matter.  You have a small window of opportunity to see how much your relationship can be repaired before she attains adult status.  Any counseling sessions must be handled by a very perceptive counselor or therapist, not one who can be conned and manipulated by D or stbEx.  Read up on Richard Warshak's Divorce Poison and "Family Bridges" program.  Also, Craig Childress has recently advocated a novel approach classifying alienation as an attachment issue and a form of child abuse, how well that becomes accepted remains to be seen, but it does seems to be a much better approach than that used by Gardiner's PAS unsupported framework.

Second, if you passively let both stbEx and daughter malign you in court, then the court may not treat you fairly.  Even though custody will be a brief issue soon to be over, you still have to deal with financial issues such as assets, debts, (brief) child support, possible college obligations, interim spousal support and possible alimony (generally short term or no more than half the length of the marriage).

Your country, province or state may have variations on how the above is handled.  Needless to say, get a few local consultations for legal advice.  With at least one adversary - and perhaps two if your daughter remains so influenced -  you need good legal strategies and protections!

Edit:  If I were in your shoes I would have been recording some of the worst confrontations for the past few years, both for documentation and to prove you're the target and not the aggressor.  That's what I did.  While the vast majority were never needed, a few were invaluable and used in court (when my ex was using the child as leverage in exchanges) and even with CPS (when my ex made child abuse allegations).  They were my version of an insurance policy and they helped me sleep a bit better at night.

[david]

My xBPDw accused me of assault. Of course, I never laid a hand on her. The courts found me guilty of disorderly conduct and put me in jail for two weeks. I purchased a video recorder and an audio recorder after getting out of jail. Ex figured out I had both devices. I haven't been accused of anything since that time (2010). From 2007 to 2010 I had three protection orders against me, I was accused of physically abusing our youngest, and the assault charge.

I only communicate through email. No ambiguity since it's all in writing.

[HopefulDad]

I don't mean to sound flippant, but you may be lucky in that your STBX cannot help herself and text/email or do things around witnesses that hurt her cause.  Mine did the same until we filed for divorce, at which time the evidence stopped rolling in.  I suspect it was because her lawyer told her to stop sending self-incriminating texts/emails :D

Continue to gather whatever evidence you can get, especially before her lawyer advises her the same.  Create a timeline, something like... .

- Never received any accusations, verbal or written, regarding abuse towards her or D17

- You moved out

- One week later, you receive a text that says you cannot see D17 because of threats of abuse towards STBX and/or D17 (and include the texts as evidence)

Your lawyer will be able to paint a picture of a vindictive STBX.

[fsoduck]

Your daughter is 17, within a year she will be an adult (if your country sets 18 as the age for adulthood).  Since acting-out PD divorces often take many months if not a year or two, she will likely be an adult by the time the decree is final.  So what custody is not a long term issue, the remaining months are important.

First, you need to ask the court for D to participate in counseling.  (Courts generally love counseling for the children.  But be aware any order for counseling will probably end when she turns 18.)  It seems she's been alienated from you and that is a very serious matter.  You have a small window of opportunity to see how much your relationship can be repaired before she attains adult status.  Any counseling sessions must be handled by a very perceptive counselor or therapist, not one who can be conned and manipulated by D or stbEx.  Read up on Richard Warshak's Divorce Poison and "Family Bridges" program.  Also, Craig Childress has recently advocated a novel approach classifying alienation as an attachment issue and a form of child abuse, how well that becomes accepted remains to be seen, but it does seems to be a much better approach than that used by Gardiner's PAS unsupported framework.

Second, if you passively let both stbEx and daughter malign you in court, then the court may not treat you fairly.  Even though custody will be a brief issue soon to be over, you still have to deal with financial issues such as assets, debts, (brief) child support, possible college obligations, interim spousal support and possible alimony (generally short term or no more than half the length of the marriage).

Your country, province or state may have variations on how the above is handled.  Needless to say, get a few local consultations for legal advice.  With at least one adversary - and perhaps two if your daughter remains so influenced -  you need good legal strategies and protections!

Edit:  If I were in your shoes I would have been recording some of the worst confrontations for the past few years, both for documentation and to prove you're the target and not the aggressor.  That's what I did.  While the vast majority were never needed, a few were invaluable and used in court (when my ex was using the child as leverage in exchanges) and even with CPS (when my ex made child abuse allegations).  They were my version of an insurance policy and they helped me sleep a bit better at night.

Forever Dad.  Thanks, my medium term goals are to successfully launch my daughter out of the house and away from my DW.  So, we are working together on the college planning, etc.  I do think the counseling idea is a good one and will explore that.  I am sorry if I gave the impression that there is parental alienation going on.  While my DW will bad mouth me to my DD, my DD knows what is going on and knows that both she and I are both the triggers and the targets of my DW's rages and dissatisfaction.  We talk/text everyday, even though DW has supposedly "forbidden" DD from talking to me.  In the end, that is not possible even if DW wants it because DW leaves it to me to coordinate things with DD.  In fact, I much prefer to talk/text directly with DD.  I avoid all the drama. 

I have already talked to several lawyers.  I know the lay of the land regarding finances and DW is in for a great shock if she thinks she will get what she is "entitled" to.  She works and makes a pretty penny.  She can have the house as long as she buys out my equity and that plus other investments will leave me with enough to pay for DD's college and ready for retirement.  Because we have a "long term" marriage, the court could offer alimony for DW, but I don't see it given that DW is now an established professional with a close to six figure salary.  Last I checked, I made $15K a year more than her, but my income just went up another 10 percent this week due to premiums and incentives I get from my employer for value added to my new position. 

[livednlearned]

I have already talked to several lawyers.  I know the lay of the land regarding finances and DW is in for a great shock if she thinks she will get what she is "entitled" to.  She works and makes a pretty penny.  She can have the house as long as she buys out my equity and that plus other investments will leave me with enough to pay for DD's college and ready for retirement.  Because we have a "long term" marriage, the court could offer alimony for DW, but I don't see it given that DW is now an established professional with a close to six figure salary.  Last I checked, I made $15K a year more than her, but my income just went up another 10 percent this week due to premiums and incentives I get from my employer for value added to my new position. 

The deal or settlement or ruling that you get -- this is in some ways the easy part (if there is such a thing with high-conflict people). A bunch of people here manage to get a decent deal . It's complying with those deals, and getting the ex to follow through where things get tricky.

Any time she is expected to do something, or provide something, make sure you have a consequence written in the order that can help you with compliance.

Leverage goes a long long way with these divorces.

[ForeverDad]

Most divorces, believe it or not even ours, end in settlements.  The other spouse might obstruct and delay right down to the wire, as mine did, right up to when I walked into court on Trial Day.  But it settled.

But don't sabotage yourself by offering too much "just to settle".  After two years separated and in the divorce process, I was prepared for a Trial when I arrived at court that day.  When she was finally ready to settle, I kept my perspective.  I had one term I felt strongly on, I felt empowered to say to her regarding our preschooler, "Either I am Residential Parent for School Purposes or we call the magistrate in and we let the court decide."  I felt that even if she didn't agree, I had a strong case to present in court.  Yes, I walked out as RP and all without a drop of sweat.  Two years of struggle, but I walked out with more than I had when I walked in.

[fsoduck]

Another bit of crazymaking I don't know how to handle, is that despite her well paying job - again six figures - she is always asking me to give her money to pay for her credit card, her gas, milk, whatever it is for the day.  If I bring up the fact that she is earning all this money and needs to take some responsibility for herself she goes ballistic.  Just last week my phone was ringing off the hook because she needed $20 to buy a metro pass to get to work.  She has at least $40K in the bank.  It is completely mind-numbing. 

In the meantime, she says I abandoned her and my daughter and keeps being as nasty as she wants with her texts and e-mails.  Doesn't she even realize that the very reason I am gone is because of the kind of abuse she hurls at me?  Does she think if she somehow keeps it up I'll see I have a "duty" to come back?

[ForeverDad]

No, No, No and No. 

[ForeverDad]

No, No, No and No.

Okay, expanding my answer, it is a cognitive and behavioral disorder, by definition it doesn't make common sense.  Don't twist yourself into a pretzel trying to make sense of it all.  Whether she believes what she claims, well, it doesn't really matter.  Can you accept that?  Accept that is is her way.  She's an adult, let her handle her consequences, even the ridiculous $20 guilting.  Make your decision, say No, then stick to it, don't second guess yourself, ignore the wheedling or demands to undermine your boundaries.