The Bully wins, again (long)

[NorthernGirl]

I haven't posted for months and wish it was because things were going well. Unfortunately we are in the middle of a legal battle where DH's ex (uBPD) is demanding sole guardianship of SS21, who has development delays. The past few days have been heavy slogging and I'm having a tough time seeing any flowers in the manure pile.

Here's a summary of the situation

* DH and his ex signed a joint guardianship agreement when SS21 was 18. He is legally required to have a guardian. Since signing the agreement, DH's ex has consistently broken it and refused to work jointly with DH. This was expected, but a mediator was supposed to be used when disagreements arose. The problem is she has figured out a loophole for firing the mediator (even though the agreement says neither of them can).

* DH and his ex were required to file an update of the agreement earlier this year. She dragged her feet (blaming DH) but eventually signed it. Days after she decided to stop the process and file for sole guardianship instead.

* She has to prove that DH is an unfit guardian in order for her to get sole guardianship. This goes to court in February. DH will apply for sole guardianship as well. The judge will decide if one of them is a sole guardian, or instead could say there needs to be a public guardian. Apparently it's rare to have a public guardian in these cases. DH's L says courts lean towards the mother in almost all cases she's seen.

* DH's ex initial reason for saying she must be the sole guardian was that DH neglected SS21 based on medical issues. Those have been disproved with an MRI and doctor appointments. So she realized she needed to find a new way to prove that DH is neglectful. This summer she's decided it is constipation (yes, this would be funny if it wasn't so very, very sad.)

* SS21 had bowel surgery when he was 8. Starting this summer, his mom has decided that every time SS21 is constipated, it is DH's fault. She tells SS21 that if he is constipated he will have to have a second surgery, which will result in him requiring a colostomy bag. She says SS21 could either die in surgery or kill himself because he has to use this bag. This fear is very real for her and she reminds SS21 of it constantly. He has anxiety and is afraid of his mom's raging and he worries about her. He does what he can to keep her calm including eating the All Bran she demands he eat every morning while she watches.

* His mom claims SS21 comes to her house constipated after each week he is with DH (he goes one week at our home, one week with his mom.) She sends off constant emails about her new "regime" for SS21 as well as research into fiber cereals, laxatives, water intake, etc, etc. SS21's doctor says some of the constipation may be associated with his anxiety but of course the only thing SS21's mom thinks he is anxious about is bowel surgery. Meanwhile, SS21 eats healthy at our place since we have mostly high fiber, healthy food. Being 21, he would prefer to eat junk food but we teach him how to cook healthy meals. Up until a few months ago, he's made it clear he didn't do much exercise when at his mom's (some weeks he did nothing but watch TV). Prior to returning to our city earlier this year, he lived in supported living in a nearby city for a year and a half while doing a college program, so he admits he didn't eat healthy then. He loved the independence but after his Mom moved a few blocks away last fall, he said he was homesick and moved back to our city early this year. His mom followed and the fun began with her seeking sole guardianship. I'm guessing seeing him loving his independence was very hard on her.

SS21 was at his mom's last week, due to arrive at our house on Monday. This past weekend DH's ex sent a threat through her lawyer saying that SS21 is always constipated when he arrives at her house and unless DH answered her recent demands, she was not letting SS21 come back. The problem was that she hadn't actually asked for anything from DH -- she had just sent her usual emails -- blaming DH and saying how she is a model parent.  A month ago she'd sent a similar email saying she wouldn't let SS21 come but she didn't follow through. This time a letter came from her lawyer to DH's. Her L is new this year, so likely isn't quite on to her just yet (she has gone through a string of lawyers over the years.)

DH's lawyer sent a response indicating that DH's ex would be in breach of their signed agreement and the guardianship act if she followed through on her threat. On Monday DH's ex followed through anyway, telling SS21 he couldn't go to his Dad's. SS21 was distraught, calling DH asking him what was going on and then telling him "just tell Mom that you will do as she wants." DH did his best to calm SS21 down but it was all very stressful. After many discussions about whether to escalate this to the police, etc. DH's lawyer sent a letter to her lawyer that among other things said DH would encourage SS21 to report to both parents each time he is constipated. The letter also said that DH's L would file for an emergency hearing to set up a mediator unless DH's ex selected one. DH's ex response said she was fine with what was said but ignored the mediation piece. DH and his L decided to let it go. DH got word that SS21 was coming back to our home Tuesday.

We were all exhausted by the time SS21 arrived. SS21 apologized over and over, and we kept telling him he had done nothing wrong. We told him we were sad it had all happened and it was okay that he was frustrated. DH said that next time he will get his lawyer to push for a mediator to be put in place. SS21 knows that the mediator is supposed to be the way for disagreements to be solved and that he should have a say in this, but it has never happened. He said last night "Mom is never going to agree with a mediator."

DH's lawyer understands what is going on but wants DH to keep slogging through these episodes so she can gather the evidence for the Feb. court case. To me, the laws and agreements seem to have no teeth for keeping DH's ex in line. They don't seem to support SS21 near as much as they should.

Of course, SS21 only sees part of what goes on. We work hard to try not to say bad things about his Mom. We use validation with him. DH will correct facts when SS21 shares his mom's claims. We aren't perfect at this, but we're doing our best.

Regardless, it feels as though all SS21 sees at the moment is that the bully is winning. Again.

[Turkish]

Hi NG,

Welcome back   

It sounds like you and your H are doing all that you need to do. My ex can sometimes obsess about bowel mvements and genetalia (thanks, Hermit-Waif grandma), but nowhere near the extent that you describe. Meanwhile, your poor kid gets caught in the middle. Here's to hoping mother bias doesn't rear its head in court... .

Turkish