borderline Partner does not think there is anything wrong with their behavoir

[Frog!0707]

Hi, I would love any advice about BPD partner that is constantly finding things that I am done wrong and then getting angry.  Some times he makes sense other times he does not.  Always my partner feel I am 100 per cent to blame.  I have been trying to modify my behavior for 20 years to keep the peace and protect our children but this does not seem to work.  My partner is very convincing in his version of what is reality which makes me feel crazy because history gets rewritten, he has become so not functioning that he just plays video games while i work full time and take care of the house and kids and everything and then finds things that i am doing wrong. Like overtiring myself doing things.  I would like to leave but I am scared of being able to support myself and also selling the house and also how he will react as he often is abusive, breaking things and physically abusive.  He does not realise that he has any problem at all even though he has only one friend and has blamed his original family for all his problems and has not contact with anyone except for us.  He has also developed chronic pain so I feel obligated to care for him.  I am at the end of my tether and just today he found my personal research on BPD and narcissism and got really angry and projected that I am abusive.  I try not to have conflict but really hard to do when he is gas lighting and yelling.  Any advice would be great.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[HopefulDad]

Welcome to the boards!

You are not alone.  Find solace in knowing there are many people in your situation and you can all draw upon each other for support and advice.  These forums helped me a lot when I was in your shoes.

The reason we get sucked into the FOG (fear/obligation/guilt) is primarily because the triggering issues to our pwBPD usually do have a kernel of truth to them.  This isn't surprising because the world isn't black and white, but shades of gray.

What took me a long time to understand is that my pwBPD was taking that shade of gray and painting it consistently black.  And I bought into it.

What you decide to do about it is up to you.  At a minimum, set up and enforce boundaries regarding abusive behavior.  It gets easier the more you do it.  What's not so easy is that even though you may have established functional boundaries, that doesn't address the underlying issue affecting your pwBPD.  And honestly, you cannot address it.  Only he can.  And he's not wired to see a problem.  Accepting that can take some time.  Deciding how to move forward can take longer.

Be strong.

P.S. I suspect this will get moved to the "Undecided" forum.

[an0ught]

Hi Frog,

Hi, I would love any advice about BPD partner that is constantly finding things that I am done wrong and then getting angry.

dealing with constant criticism and then follow-up attacks can be exhausting  . The whole is often driven by b&w thinking, overactive judgment which is often vital to them to stop their inner self-judgement and insecurity. Inner problems are projected to the outside. But logic won't help her and pointing out what I said will just lead to a major blow-up.

What you need is:

  - learn validation (see workshops). This tells you what to say. The board is a good place to try a tune the messages.

  - learn avoiding invalidation (see validation workshops and think the opposite). That is what you should not say or do. Invalidation 101: Avoid JADE - Justification, Argue, Defend and Explain. No point - only makes matters worse.

  - learn boundaries as HopefulDad said - sometimes it is best to take a walk

,

a0

[Frog!0707]

Thank you for your replys it is nice to know other people are in the same boat or have been and jumped out.  I will definitely take all of your advice.  I am currently reading Stop Walking on Eggshells and the human magnet syndrome.  Very worried that boundaries will spark rages. I am so used to just trying to keep the peace, not sure if I want to disrupt it, not quite strong enough yet.  

[HopefulDad]

Very worried that boundaries will spark rages. I am so used to just trying to keep the peace, not sure if I want to disrupt it, not quite strong enough yet.

The boundaries very well may spark rages.  They're called extinction bursts.  This site covers them well.  They do subside... .or change into other bad behaviors like silent treatment which causes you to adjust your boundaries.

You worry about them now, but as you get familiar with boundary setting and enforcing (the latter is the most important), you'll feel more confident in dealing with bad behavior.

[Frog!0707]

Thank you for your help.  I will start to enforce boundaries and stick to them.  I think after letting them slip for so long, I forgot how.

[HopefulDad]

Thank you for your help.  I will start to enforce boundaries and stick to them.  I think after letting them slip for so long, I forgot how.

Good luck.  Understand that almost all of us on this site struggled with this... .and perhaps continue to do so.  A common thread between most of us nons involved with pwBPD is our poor understanding of healthy boundaries so we've had to train ourselves.  You are not alone.

Like any training, results don't happen overnight.  Remember this when you feel like beating yourself up over mistakes and setbacks when it comes to boundaries.  You very likely *will* make mistakes.  There very likely *will* be setbacks.  It's okay.  Learn from these times and adjust your plan moving forward.  And try again.