Always telling me about sexual past ?

[Mattttt]

Hi guys,

Ill start by saying English isnt my native language so bear with me ;P

Im in a homosexual relationship with a borderliner right now, so I figured id post my quesion(s) here if I have them



My borderline boyfriend always finds it necessary to talk about his sexual past. To be honest it frustrates me a bit, and I do not know why he tells me these things.

One time he even showed me someone on facebook he had sex with... .

I was wondering if anyone here knows why he is doing this. Is he testing me ? Or perhaps expecting a reaction ? I try not to let it affect me, but to be honest it does :/

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[Skip]

Have you told him how you feel? How did he react?

[Mattttt]

Skip,

I have not yet. Im worried he'l say im nagging him, or make a big deal about it.

Im just a bit confused as to why he's sharing his sexual past with me. It seems unappropriate.

[Skip]

I don't think it is necessarily a "BPD" thing.  It may be that he has a very different style than you and he is sharing.  It could also be to marginalize you a bit - people sometimes do that - its not so nice.

What is your sense?  How long have you been together? Living in the same place?

[Mattttt]

It feels a bit like he's showing off or something. Or kind of 'making fun' of me because he can probably tell im agitated by my facial expression.

We havent been together for that long, tho we had been together before for just 2 months (about half a year ago).

As you might imagine, Im really carefull about my feelings this time around, and have adopted a 'my happiness comes from within' mentality.

Generally were having a good time so far.

Were not living in the same place.

[enlighten me]

My exgf did this a lot. We were even at a family meal with my parents and her when one of her previous flings walked through with his wife. She said that's xxxxxx I had a fling with him. She said it loud enough for most people to hear at the table.

[Mattttt]

Did it make you feel bad as well ?

[enlighten me]

When she went on about it I put a brave face on and had a sort of that's nice thing going on. I hated it though.

[Mattttt]

But you never got her to stop tho ? Or asked her too ?

Just wondering, since i really dont like it to  -.-'

[enlighten me]

No I never asked her to stop. I don't know why. Maybe I thought she seems to think its normal so maybe it is.

[unicorn2014]

Matt, Im engaged to a man wBPD traits in a heterosexual relationship and I had the same experience. In fact I was talking about it on another thread, amnesty gone wrong. You are lucky you have discovered this board so early on in your relationship before you made a commitment to this person. I think you are right to be concerned about this kind of behavior. I think it indicates a poor sense of boundaries on your partner's part. Do you know if he has ever seen a therapist?

[Mattttt]

Unicorn,

He has seen therapists off and on.

I personallydo not get the idea he would cheat on me, and he knows ill be gone forever if he does. But it still doesnt make me feel any better hearing about his sexual past.

[unicorn2014]

Matt, you have a right to tell him that you feel uncomfortable when he talks about his sexual past and you would like him to stop.

[Mattttt]

I know i do, I just taught maybe people here knew WHY this happens.

I study psychology, and am quite fascinated by human behaviour (BPD or other regardless)

[enlighten me]

Why they do it?

Bragging, to belittle us, to make us try harder, because they have no boundaries so don't see the wrong.

Take your pick.

[Skip]

Mattt,

What leads you to suspect that your partner has traits of BPD?

Skip

[Mattttt]

He's been diagnosed, but you wouldnt need to be a dr. to figure that one out. His behaviour says enough.

I personally have aspergers so things tend to become weird sometimes.

A friend of mine once said they should make a sitcom out of us :P

Im not sure why we click so easily. Having autism usually means I find it very hard to get along with 'wild, outgoing, extroverts'.

[Skip]

People with BPD often don't have a great filter or boundaries and will say things impulsively without thinking about the ramifications.

We have a workshop on values/boundaries.  This is something you should read in general and it should also help in this matter.  The short story is that you need to communicate your desires in the most cooperative team spirited way and at a time when communication lines are open.

Check this out: https://bpdfamily.com/content/setting-boundaries

Then I suggest coming back to this thread an discuss specifically how to have this conversation with him.

[Mattttt]

Thanks,

Ill take some time to read this =]

[unicorn2014]

  Hi Matt, I am glad that you know that you can set boundaries. That is a step in the right direction!

[Mattttt]

Ill have to wait for the right time to tell him. It seems we have entered one of those 'not talking to you periods' (over digital media that is... .we dont live close)

Its funny how you can tell by his facial expression when it starts happening. Anyone else noticed that with their BPD lovers/ friends/ family memebers ? (just out of curiosity)

Its like they smile with their mouth, but the eyes show sadness.

[Notwendy]

My mother with BPD can have a sort of vacant stare in her eyes.

Regardless of what is going on with him, you have the right to establish your own boundaries. Boundaries are not something you impose on them. You have no control over what someone else does. You do have the right to speak your boundary if you choose and also how to respond to it being broken.

Not to expect the worse, but consider that people who have poor boundaries also have difficulty recognizing them in others, and so can cross them. The most effective part of keeping a boundary is what you do when someone violates them. It takes consistency to teach others what your boundaries are. Actions are more effective than words.

Make the boundary yours by using "I" statements, not "You".  "Stop telling me about your old boyfriends" is not a boundary. " I don't wish to discuss former relationships" is a boundary, and one you can enforce.

So, he starts to talk about it.  You can say " I don't wish to discuss this" if he persists, then say "I don't wish to have this discussion" and end it . Disengage. Now, there may be an extinction burst- he may not like this new boundary, but it is about you, not him, and you need to consistently stick to your statement.  So he invites you to look at facebook. Walk away, say " I don't wish to look at this".

Read about JADE. The less you say that is beyond stating the boundary, the better. A boundary is not for discussion. It is what it is.

[SummerStorm]

A lot of it is lack of boundaries, impulsiveness, and a general unawareness of how it might hurt others to hear about it.  What a pwBPD feels/thinks is normal for him/her, so pwBPD tend to not really "get" why non-disordered people react differently.  It's the reason my former friend thought it was perfectly okay to ask me, two months after ending our friendship, if she could live with me. 

The most mind-boggling thing my former friend ever said to me was, "I act in a socially inappropriate manner and forget sometimes that it hurts people."  She "plays the part" of a non-disordered person, but her BPD prevents her from reacting in an appropriate way. 

She tends to use other people as a moral gauge.  It's actually sort of fascinating to watch, in addition to being incredibly sad.  When she first slept with her now ex-boyfriend, after not knowing him very long, she told me and another co-worker, but the way she told us was very strange, almost as if she was asking, "Is it okay that I did that?"  Back in April, she told me that she'd had an affair with a married cop who gave a presentation where I work, and when I told her how wrong that was, her shame instantly kicked in, and she replied, "I shouldn't have told you that."  A few minutes later, she said, "I'm such a waste." 

Talking about his sexual past with you could be your boyfriend's way of belittling you or an attempt to get a reaction, but it may just be that he has no idea that it's not appropriate to talk about things like that.  With a pwBPD, it's hard to tell.  And his reason for telling you one day might be completely different than his reason for telling you two days later.  Chances are, he probably has no real understanding of why he does it.

[Notwendy]

I know some people who just don't seem to have a filter when discussing TMI.

It can also be a result of poor self esteem. I think we can all remember as teens, the idea of "kiss and tell" the person who liked to brag about their sexual conquests to friends as a way of getting admiration.

He may be saying " see these guys think I'm hot--- so by telling you this, it will make you think I'm hot"

But whatever the reason, you feel uncomfortable- and you can have boundaries around that.

[Mattttt]

SummerStorm,

Ive always had the idea he doesnt know why he is doing most of the things he does.

btw does the pw in pwBPD stand for 'person with'?



Notwendy, I too sometimes lack this filter mechanism due to my aspergers, so I do know a bit what it feels like. Although it does seem to be more under my control than it is with him.

Either way, I never get mad or anything, that never works and I dont like conflict anyway.

[Mattttt]

Oh and thanks for the examples of boundary statements =]

[SummerStorm]

SummerStorm,

Ive always had the idea he doesnt know why he is doing most of the things he does.

btw does the pw in pwBPD stand for 'person with'?


Notwendy, I too sometimes lack this filter mechanism due to my aspergers, so I do know a bit what it feels like. Although it does seem to be more under my control than it is with him.

Either way, I never get mad or anything, that never works and I dont like conflict anyway.

Yes, the pw stands for "person with." 

pwBPD act in the moment, and that's why it's so hard to be with one.  What they feel at that exact moment is the truth for them (feelings = facts).

Obviously, everyone on the spectrum is completely different, but I have a high-functioning autistic student this year, and I'm finding it much easier to interact with him than I ever did with my former friend BPD.  It's probably because it's clear that he has no malicious intent when he does/says things that aren't appropriate at the time, has a clear sense of self, and has predictable behaviors.  With my former friend BPD, most things had a manipulative/malicious intent, she had no clear sense of self, and had completely unpredictable behaviors.     

[Mattttt]

Well,

he's been ignoring me for over 4 days now (god knows why). So I guess thats that.

I not sure if Im capable of being in a 'relationship' like this. Its strange how when it always goes reasonably well, he creates new drama.

[formflier]

  he creates new drama.

The key to long term success is (IMO) what you do when "they" create drama.  If you can observe the drama and move along relatively unscathed, then I think you have good chances of long term success.

If you get caught up in drama or participate in it, chances are that drama will grow over time.

FF

[Notwendy]

Mattttt,

It think it is hard to guess what is going on with someone who has not contacted you in days. However, you do have the choice of whether or not to be in a relationship with him.

These decisions- to stay , to leave, are not easy to make, but keep sight that you have control over your choice.