Dd/lg daddy daughter

[bpdsucks331]

Through my research i have seen that a dd/lg relationship helps a BPD relationship. Its a form of a BDSM relationship. Im not for sure what BDSM even means i dont watch 50 shades of grey but its a form of submission.

My opinion... .  is that this would work.  Essentially the BPD has lacked structure as a child. Accountability for their actions etc.  In this rela the woman BPD submits herself to her husband or "daddy"  which is the first problem in most BPD relationships fixed right there.  A woman should submit herself to her husband.  Basicly her "daddy" has rules, and consequences to follow.  In exchange for him loving her and keeping her safe.

Now im a grown man. Im not trying to raise a grown woman as my daughter. My relationship is personally beyond this point.  But i have read this works. And why wouldnt it? Your basicly reverting life back to childhood. The place the BPD lives anyways. And your "fixing" the issues.

Any opinions?

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[HappyNihilist]

Interesting question. I think this falls under the umbrella of a pwBPD's unstable/nonexistent sense of self. Because people with BPD rely on others for an identity, they tend to gravitate towards relationships with pre-defined roles. Typically this is a one-up/one-down dynamic, such as savior/victim, fixer/fixee, etc. A dynamic like dd/lg certainly fits. So, could it work? Sure, for a while. Is it helping the pwBPD, in a sustainable way? Doubtful. None of these dynamics make for a healthy long-term relationship.

Your basicly reverting life back to childhood. The place the BPD lives anyways. And your "fixing" the issues.

No one can fix anyone else's issues. BPD often develops from a deep core wound in childhood.

The question I have is - is it helpful to revert someone back to the place of their core wound, and attempt to fix it for them? And try to keep them in that place for the duration of the relationship? Is that a good place for us to be, as the partners?

[unicorn2014]

That's a very interesting topic, BPD sucks. Are you in such a relationship yourself? I actually think the DD/LG r/s is more helpful to the BPD male then the BPD female. There are actually boards that discuss that kind of subject elsewhere. I can tell you that the DD/lg in the hands of the wrong male BPD can definitely become abusive and is a very bad idea. In fact I think any kind of alternative relationship in the hands of any untreated BPD is bad idea. Normal relationships are hard enough. Add an element of difference in there and you have a recipe for disaster.

[unicorn2014]

Happy Nihilist, I'm not sure if this poster is serious or not but I think a DD/lg dynamic in the hands of an untreated BPD is a very bad idea indeed. There is a high potential for abuse. I'm not sure its such a good idea that a wife submit to her husband. My understanding of marriage is that it is based on mutual submission, that it is egalitarian, at least the healthy ones. An untreated male BPD will not make a good daddy, he will become an abuser. I'm not sure if its a good idea to mix the ideas of marriage and DD/lg either. A marriage requires two adult participants, a marriage is an adult relationship. A person can not be in a child like state of mind and be married. That's more like slavery.

[HappyNihilist]

I think a DD/lg dynamic in the hands of an untreated BPD is a very bad idea indeed. There is a high potential for abuse. An untreated male BPD will not make a good daddy, he will become an abuser.

I agree that there seems to be a high potential for abuse in dd/lg and similar dynamics with an untreated disordered male. I can personally attest to that. My ex's and my relationship certainly wasn't healthy for either of us, as it ripped open the core wounds of us both.

A successful relationship with a pwBPD usually requires not encouraging them to stay in emotionally charged mindsets. Whether that mindset veers towards anger and a need for control, or towards childlike and submissive. Being a supportive partner towards someone with a mental illness (or towards anyone, for that matter) means encouraging them to be a healthy adult on their own, as best as they can.

[bpdsucks331]

I am non BPD and of no threat to my BPD wife.  This is the circumstance im speaking of. Personally myself and my wife are past patching anything up.  But im just discussing this dynamic.

I believe a woman should submit herself to her husband.  Not like in a barbaric way, but the man is the gead of the house.  So this being disguised in some sort of playful way...    would deffinantly help.

My wifes BPD comes from her daddy issues. I also further think this would be worth a shot.  Were not talking about beating ur wife here but maybe a sexy spanking.  This should be a hit if agreed to bc the BPD submits to you.   In my experience my BPD thinks she is the boss.  Then there are rules and guidelines to go by... .  aka structure. 

I dont know. I have seen it in research and wondered opinions.  As for myself... .   i will never go back to my BPD

[unicorn2014]

Bpd sucks, you are posting on the staying board. I think this topic might be better explored on the leaving board or taking personal inventory board.

[bpdsucks331]

I was discussing for ppl staying

[waverider]

A lot depends on the personalities involved obviously. A dominant pwBPD is a potential for abuse, a submissive pwBPD really depends on the dominant non to have a good working knowledge and caring for the pwBPD, or again it could be make worse.

Would it be enabling by allowing a pwBPD to hand over responsibility? Probably, but is this a worthwhile pay off for a degree of structure and stability? Maybe. We know that trying to divide responsibilities 50/50 down the middle results in endless conflict.

It is not something I would put forward as a healthy recommendation, but neither should it be discounted if it works for some.  We are not trying to fix a pwBPD, we are trying to create a harmonious environment which nearly always includes a trade off.

To a degree it partly works this way in my marriage, but it is not a carte blanche to do what you like. It is more a recognition of who is better at doing what. More of a leadership than a dictatorship.

It could fall into the category of "what is in it for you/'... If you are doing most of the work, then being given the ability to have full control of certain areas is your pay off. It could in certain areas only, eg finances, if you have to organise the bills then you get overall say in expenses and your decisions are not questioned.

[Notwendy]

I don't even have a clue what these initials mean, and have not read or seen 50 shades.


I agree with WW that a 50-50 split could be a recipe for conflict. Even in marriages without BPD, there can be a division according to who is good at what, but probably with more fluidity/reciprocity within the roles as well as the balance of who is doing what.

As to the parent-child dynamics in this, it also concerns the non. Whatever the non gets out of by acting as ":)addy" might be questioned as establishing power/control and enabling the spouse to be overly dependent.

As to the "friendly spanking"- some people with BPD have been abused as children, and I would guess that a high percentage grew up in dysfunctional homes. I would be concerned about this triggering some fears and shame. I guess if it is consensual- and both want to do this then, it isn't anyone else's business- however, I would be aware that some parent- child relationships were not loving or caring if you wish to reenact them.

As to the religious idea of wife being submissive. While this concept is not something I personally wish to adopt, it is a component of some religions. IMHO I think it is subject to misinterpretation and potential abuse but this is my take on it. The contingency to this is that both spouses are ultimately submissive to God, not that the husband is the ruler. It isn't a parent- child relationship, but two consensual adults agreeing to this model as their way of expressing their own relationship with God. So - while two consenting adults can agree to any relationship and what they do in it, my own take is that if this is decided in religious context, I think it would be safest to stay mindful of who the ultimate  " Daddy " in that relationship is. 

[unicorn2014]

I think a DD/lg dynamic in the hands of an untreated BPD is a very bad idea indeed. There is a high potential for abuse. An untreated male BPD will not make a good daddy, he will become an abuser.

I agree that there seems to be a high potential for abuse in dd/lg and similar dynamics with an untreated disordered male. I can personally attest to that. My ex's and my relationship certainly wasn't healthy for either of us, as it ripped open the core wounds of us both.

A successful relationship with a pwBPD usually requires not encouraging them to stay in emotionally charged mindsets. Whether that mindset veers towards anger and a need for control, or towards childlike and submissive. Being a supportive partner towards someone with a mental illness (or towards anyone, for that matter) means encouraging them to be a healthy adult on their own, as best as they can.

Thank you very much for this post Happy Nihilist, I was able to use it as a basis for a conversation with my fiance which while it wasn't easy addressed a problem he's had for over a year with a change I made in our relationship. I really appreciate how helpful this board is. It gives me the words I need in difficult situations. You are making a positive difference! 

[HappyNihilist]

Thank you very much for this post Happy Nihilist, I was able to use it as a basis for a conversation with my fiance which while it wasn't easy addressed a problem he's had for over a year with a change I made in our relationship.

You're welcome, unicorn. I'm very glad you found it helpful, and that you were able to have a difficult but important conversation with your fiance. 

[unicorn2014]

Happy nihilist, he forced the conversation. He likened my complaining about the fact he hadn't filed to my ending the DD/lg part of our r/s. It was a 1 hour + conversation I didn't want to have but at least he won't hold that over my head anymore. Having hour long conversations with pwBPD is a really bad idea. The book stop care taking the borderline talks about this.

[LonelyChild]

My r/s with my uBPDxgf was like that. I was the daddy she never had, she became my daughter. I tried to bring this up a few times (that I felt this way) but she refused to discuss it.

I can tell you that it's about the most destructive thing you can do a pwBPD (I didn't know at the time). They need to get out of this role, not become even more into it. Good god.