Divorce

[kelcany]

I think I have Codependent Personality Disorder and my husband of 35 years has Narcissistic Personality Disorder but Borderline Personality Disorder seems very similar to many of the traits of both of us. Can you help me clarify how to recover a sound mind? (I have been to therapists for the last three years. My husband and I have been together to therapists. He is willing to go now also.) My husband has gotten a decree of divorce but now is delaying to divide the assets. (He has a gambling addiction by his own admission yet he denies it also sometimes.)I am interested in getting well and continuing the relationship if possible. However I find the position I am in too emotionally disturbing and financially precarious. I want to divide the assets but try to interact so that I can keep the possibility of the relationship open to improvement. Would you and if so how would you do that? (None of the therapists has been willing to diagnose any personality disorders.)

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[momtara]

Do you mean, continue the relationship with him?

I think I'm fairly codependent and had a hard time breaking with my ex also. I feel your pain and know it's confusing and not easy to decide. It's probably not a decision he will make easily or quickly either.

I have to run now but will try to be helpful when I get a free moment. Just know that it's never easy, so be gentle with yourself. You deserve someone to care about you and put you first, but sometimes just having someone to love is more than most have.

[an0ught]

Hi  kelcany,

if he is gambling it would be important to protect yourself from it so diving the assets makes sense. You will find the workshops on boundaries of some use. I would be surprised if this goes without conflict and escalation so proper planning and knowing exactly when you walk is essential. As would be good legal advice.

I'm confused about a bit where you are in the relationship with him. You have selected "Ex-" but want to continue relationship and divorce is on hold and partner wants to do therapy. You are still living together?

,

a0

[momtara]

Yes, tell us more when you have a chance!

Hang in there.

[kelcany]

We are legally divorced and live apart.

He is living with another woman since July, likely a "black widow".

He is stalling on dividing all the assets.

I will likely have to spend more on court and lawyers. Have spent 30K already.

He is very clever and devious (MENSA.)

I know I have to look out for myself but after 35 years and 4 kids it is very hard to not care.

I spent more of my life with him than without.

I started this whole thing and I think it was a BIG mistake.

All I wanted was some space and money to have my own life while protecting myself in a relationship with him.

I had hoped that after he retired he might have the desire to improve his personality disorder.

He is retired now but it looks like it will be with somebody else.

[momtara]

well, that new relationship will likely end badly, but who knows how long it will take.

it sounds like you have mixed feelings, and that's ok. it is hard when it looks like he moved on, and you still have feelings for him.

you did say that he is willing to see a counselor, though.

try not to regret what you did. although i can see why. it's very expensive and just leaves women like us alone, often. (that said, many here have moved on quickly. i have not.)

as for preserving the relationship and how... .hmmm. well, what changes in him would you NEED to see in order to get back together? Also, how realistic is that now that he's with someone new (would he just string you along and hurt you both?) And do you really want him back, or are you kind of downplaying his abuse and just remembering the happy times?

You can feel however you want to feel.