Home page of BPDFamily.com, online relationship supportMember registration here
March 28, 2024, 02:53:14 PM *
Welcome, Guest. Please login or register.

Login with username, password and session length
Board Admins: Kells76, Once Removed, Turkish
Senior Ambassadors: Cat Familiar, EyesUp, SinisterComplex
  Help!   Boards   Please Donate Login to Post New?--Click here to register  
bing
Depression = 72% of members
Take the test, read about the implications, and check out the remedies.
111
Pages: [1]   Go Down
  Print  
Author Topic: My BPD wife feels trapped because I'm codependant and wants to leave  (Read 735 times)
TooRational
**
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: married but separated
Posts: 74


WWW
« on: September 25, 2015, 01:17:21 PM »

Hello everyone!

I just realized that I fit the co-dependant description almost exactly and I'm glad that I found this community. I need help. I'm less sure that my wife is BPD but possibly.

My most pressing problem/question is that from my reading so far, it seems that people want to rid themselves of codependency to feel better. As for myself, I live pretty well with this situation but my wife does not. She feels trapped, is not attracted to me anymore and wants to leave. So I need to change if I want to save this relationship but I'm afraid that it might be too late.

Let me give you a short (I'll try my best) history of our relationship. Been together for 18 years, living together and married for 14. Two kids, 6 and 3. My wife had a very rough childhood with extremely religious and controlling parents (but not violent). Her opinion was never valued and her social life was limited by her parents. I "rescued" her when she met me. I gave her lots of self-confidence and helped her grow as a person. In a way I replaced her parents.

She's been dealing with anxiety ever since she started teaching kids (she only lasted a few months before quitting). Her anxiety came back big time with our first child and she's been on anti-depressant ever since. Our marriage hasn't been great in the last 6 years. Routine, almost absent sexual life and intimacy (in part because of meds side effects), priority on kids instead of our relationship, etc. Pretty typical. She also looses her temper fairly frequently with the kids. She swears at them and really goes overboard with discipline consequences. My daughter often says "mom is really mean to us" and went as far a saying that she'd only like to live with me if we ever separated (don't know how she got that idea in her head). However, when she doesn't lose her temper, she's a GREAT mom.

She slowly stopped her meds over several weeks and has been off of them for a few months now. Emotionally, she's all over the place. She says that she finally feels alive but feels trapped in our relationship. She's not in love with me anymore and wants to leave. She feels trapped. Her sexual drive is back big time now and she had affairs to satisfy this new sex craving (fortunately we also have great sex together now). She wants to prove to herself that she can be independent, without me. She's convinced that she'll be happier without me. That hurts my feelings, a lot. I gave so much to her.

She was about to leave but she had a discussion with a guy (that she cheated with) and he convinced her that our relationship was worth a shot. Everything we built together (kids, house, memories, relationship) is worth a second chance. Now she seems willing to give it a try and she sees a psychologist. That psychologist however seems to push hard for a "healing separation". I don't like the idea much. I'm really afraid that I'll lose her and I'm petrified of the effect on the kids.

I know I need to do more stuff by myself so that I'm not so dependent on her. But every time I do, that means I leave her alone with the kids and I feel guilty. Especially since I know she can barely handle them without losing it (on bad days at least). How do you guys deal with that?

Thanks for reading. I could say lots more but I basically need help not to blow that last chance that I have. I made lots of mistake in this relationship (taking her for granted for example) and I'm willing to work hard to redeem myself. I also know that whatever happens, I need to work on myself. In my current state, losing her will be a very hard blow. I need to get stronger.

Logged
PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES
This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

adventurer
***
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Relationship status: married
Posts: 224


« Reply #1 on: September 25, 2015, 06:18:30 PM »

There is a book called 'No More Mr. Nice Guy' which I found pretty helpful as far as pushing me to do more on my own and become more independent. It actually isn't about teaching you to be a jerk, it's about learning how to make your own needs a priority and overcoming co-dependent qualities from a specifically male perspective.
Logged
TooRational
**
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: married but separated
Posts: 74


WWW
« Reply #2 on: September 25, 2015, 07:02:22 PM »

Thanks. I'll look into it but I'm afraid that it might be too late. I'm dreading that any day now she'll tell me that she really can't stand it anymore and she has to leave. I feel that the only thing stopping her right now is money. She just opened her own bank account and we came to an arrangement where I'll transfer her some money every paycheck and in turn, she'll help pay for common expenses (house, food, etc). The idea is for her to feel independent but when that will be running smoothly and when she has some savings in her account, she'll bolt, I'm pretty sure.

Any thoughts on the "healing separation" idea? If we do it, I know for sure that she'll sleep around lots. That will hurt and I don't know how we would be able to reunite after that. But then again, she already sleeps around... .
Logged
TooRational
**
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: married but separated
Posts: 74


WWW
« Reply #3 on: September 25, 2015, 09:41:34 PM »

Well, that's it folks. We just had a talk and although she gave me false hope a week ago that she was willing to work on our relationship, it was a fluke. She was just trying to be nice or so she says. We'll stay in the same house until we figure things out (we'll try to sell it in the spring) but it's basically over.

My understanding now is that my co-dependency makes me unattractive to "normal" women. I only attract women that have issues and need help. Now that my wife is a stronger women and doesn't need as much help, my co-dependency is counter-productive.

So, thanks for being such a nice guy all these years. Now that I've used you, I don't need you anymore and actually, now I realize that you are kinda lame after all. I'll move on, thank you very much.

It hurts.

I guess maybe this thread should be moved into the "Leaving" sub-forum.
Logged
Daniell85
*****
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Posts: 737


« Reply #4 on: September 26, 2015, 09:21:01 AM »

sorry  
Logged
Notwendy
********
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Parent
Posts: 10440



« Reply #5 on: September 26, 2015, 09:53:01 AM »

It is interesting that your wife is blaming your issues. In reality, it is usually that both partners are contributing to the situation. However, we can only take care of our side of it- no matter what their side is.

Part of this is looking inward- what is my responsibility for the problem? What do I need to do about my contribution?

Another part is what are my boundaries? Do I really want to be in a relationship with someone who is sleeping around? Is this OK with me?

A favorite Dr. Phil line ( not that all issues are solved in one Dr. Phil episode) is  " How much of me do I have to give up to be with you?"

Although you say that your co-dependency doesn't make you feel bad, if you agree that you are co-dependent- another way to look at this is - Does my co-dependency interfere with my ability to attract someone who is healthy emotionally and does it impede my ability to have an emotionally healthy relationship?" That could result in someone feeling bad.

Co-dependency can masquerade as "being a nice guy" but in actuality, it is self serving and controlling.

I am sorry that you are dealing with this difficulty. I don't know if you can salvage this relationship,  but, if you are co-dependent, dealing with your co-dependency is possibly the best chance of having an emotionally healthy relationship with anyone - now or in the future. Regardless, are you willing to consider therapy, 12 steps, or ways to learn a different way of relating to people- for your sake?
Logged
TooRational
**
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: married but separated
Posts: 74


WWW
« Reply #6 on: September 26, 2015, 10:07:17 PM »

Thanks Notwendy, I appreciate you taking the time to respond.

I just talked to our mutual friends (another couple) just now and it helped a lot to talk. However, they seem skeptic about the co-dependency thing. They basically echo some criticism I've also read about that theory which is that it's normal to sacrifice some of ourselves in a relationship. When I talked to them about co-dependency behaviors, they basically seem to think that it's just normal. I have a hard time wrapping my idea around the fact the prioritizing your partners needs over yours is basically bad. Isn't it what we call love? One good example of the criticism of that theory is this post:

www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8110_cod.html

I'm very willing to work on myself if I have issues. I just need more convincing about the whole co-dependency thing. Was I dependent on my relationship and my partner for happiness? Absolutely. Isn't a great love relationship supposed to make you happy? Did helping my wife with her struggles make me feel good about myself? Absolutely again. I like to help people. Is that really a bad thing? I'm sorry but I don't quite get it. I'm very open to the idea however and I'm willing to be convinced. I want to understand.
Logged
Notwendy
********
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Parent
Posts: 10440



« Reply #7 on: September 27, 2015, 05:44:57 AM »

I had a difficult time understanding the idea. I think one problem people struggle with is the term dependency and the distinction between inter-dependency and co-dependency.

I also think people value helping others and doing things for your partner vs self sacrifice. One problem with erring too much on self sacrifice is that eventually, people can feel that they lost themselves in the relationship.

It helped me to think of the term "dependent" like it is used in a science experiment with two variables. One valuable is the independent variable, the other one is dependent. When you change the independent variable, the dependent variable also changes. Then think of this as our happiness and mood. Of course, we are effected somewhat by our partner's feelings, but a person who is co-dependent is so affected by other people's feelings, moods, wishes, that he/she can lose touch with their own feelings, moods, and wishes and become overfocused on the other.

Why should someone strive to not be co-dependent? The opposite of being co-dependent is not selfishness. Co-depenency is a form of being selfish because the motive of the person is a sense of control over the situation. It can also fuel dysfunction in a relationship and if single, attract dysfunctional people to us. It can also keep the other person from being independent and managing their own feelings. People who are co-dependent also tend to be resentful- and that is no gift to anyone.

Sometimes it is hard to tell the difference between doing something nice for someone else and co-dependency. I will try to give an example from my own marriage. I grew up with BPD mom and the rules in our family were to focus on her moods and keeping her happy. From the outside it would look like we were well behaved kids, but we were walking on eggshells and trying to keep her happy- trying to manage and control her moods for our own purposes. That is the opposite of being selfless and giving.

My husband had an expectation for me cooking dinner for him. I think many husbands would consider this a good thing to do, especially since I was a stay at home mom. I didn't mind cooking. I wanted to do my share of the contribution to the house and I really had no issues about it. However, I am not a perfect machine either, sometimes one of the kids wasn't feeling well, or had an activity. In this case, if I asked him to pitch in, that would result in an angry outburst, the silent treatment. I realized that if I wanted him to not be angry, I had better cook dinner. Doing this was no longer an act of giving- it was a way to control his moods, perhaps get some positive attention, and also I was afraid not to cook dinner. This resulted in resentment. This was one of the first issues that the MC worked on with me- not because I should not cook for my husband, but that a grown man needs to stop raging at his wife over dinner if he doesn't want to ruin his marriage, but as long as being angry worked for him, it would not stop.

My fear of anger ( that I brought into the marriage from childhood) is what fueled the dysfunction in the marriage. The anger worked for my H because, well, it got him what he wanted. I didn't like it though. I had to stop reinforcing it by letting it affect me like it did. By walking on eggshells with my H, being afraid to say no to him, and doing things out of fear of his moods or to get attention from him, I was being co-dependent.

I still cook dinner most of the time- but it isn't out of fear. I like to cook and I like to contribute.  Sometimes I don't do it- and when that happens, he doesn't rage. He even offered to bring home take out, which believe it or not is a huge step for him. Before, he would go get something for himself to eat, and not for me or the kids, because he felt resentment at having to do that.  I think this is more like inter-dependence than co-dependence.
Logged
TooRational
**
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: married but separated
Posts: 74


WWW
« Reply #8 on: September 27, 2015, 07:37:25 AM »

Thanks. I can see how being too centered on the other and forgetting our own self can be detremental. I'm not sure where on the spectrum I am myself. I'm probably in denial and I was probably way too focused on her. I came to realize that one of the reason I fell for that girl 18 years ago is that she accepted me for who I was (a shy, intravert person, who was not very popular with girls) and she needed my help. It felt great.

The bit about walking on eggshells around you BPD mother is very similar to the situation in the house with my wife. The kids know that she can blow up at any moment and our 6 yo daugther walks on eggshells and I do to. Our 3 yo son crushes the egg shells and that obviously creates lots of conflicts. I'm afraid about our kids future, growing up with that kind of mom. My daughter actually told me that if we ever separated, she doesn't want to stay with mom, only me. Granted, that happened in one of her mom's worst outburst. When my wife keeps her calm, she's actually a very great mom.

As for my own childhood, I don't seem to fit the standard childhood of co-dependant people. I had very loving parents. My parents are truly great. However, my mom is probably the stereotypical co-dependant, she does everything in the house and seems to put the priorities of my dad first. That being said, they've been married for more than 35 years and I've never seen them had a real fight. They seem to have a happy marriage and I can say that my mom is my role model. Co-dependency worked for her but it's obviously not working for me.

I guess I need to read more about co-dependency. Any recommendations? I looked into that "No more Mr nice guy' book and I'm being put off by some of the very critical reviews, although most seem positive.
Logged
Notwendy
********
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Parent
Posts: 10440



« Reply #9 on: September 27, 2015, 08:23:52 AM »

I think BPD and co-dependency are on a spectrum, but it isn't just about the individual, but the pattern in families. They tend to pair up with each other, and the next generation learns it by example. I don't know if it is denial, or that it just feels normal. I didn't know any other way to relate. I joke that my first steps at age 1 were probably on eggshells. Also, because mom was the one who seemed to be out of control, my father was my role model, and he was co-dependent, only I didn't know it. This didn't undermine the good he did for me. He was a great dad and I adored him. He seemed to be doing above and beyond to take care of my mom, but it was not until I learned about co-dependency with regards to myself that I saw it in their relationship.

This is the first clue to where your "normal" was determined However, my mom is probably the stereotypical co-dependant, she does everything in the house and seems to put the priorities of my dad first. That being said, they've been married for more than 35 years and I've never seen them had a real fight.   While a marriage should not be full of conflict, the complete avoidance of it is probably not possible. Two different people living together are probably going to have some conflict, and how it is managed is determined by how dysfunctional they are. Screaming and raging is one extreme, but walking on eggshells, being co-dependent is the other extreme. Neither are ideal.

My home was the former- raging irrational mom. What I did not recognize was my in laws- who were just like your parents, but as I got to see it better, and take a closer look, FIL, if he was not kept happy by MIL meeting his needs, became a raging verbally abusive jerk. The thing is, the kids didn't see much of it, and they also seem to deny what they saw. It's similar to my marriage. Thank goodness my H is wonderful to the kids, but I got the brunt of his rage. So, I also managed it by walking on eggshells to keep the peace.  Still, the kids saw through it and told me.

This was a pattern I wanted to break for me, and for them. I didn't want to model that what I was doing was OK, or hide the truth that I was really unhappy doing that.  I don't think I got the whole concept by books alone, but it is a start. For me, it took T , 12 step groups, and a sponsor who could see the issues more clearly than I could. If I had to recommend a book, it would be "Stop Caretaking the Borderline or Narcissist." The book doesn't use the term co-dependent as much as caretaker, but the concepts are similar and it is practical.

Logged
TooRational
**
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: married but separated
Posts: 74


WWW
« Reply #10 on: September 27, 2015, 08:35:13 PM »

Thanks Notwendy, I really appreciate all the time you put into replying and helping me. There's no doubt that I fit the description for co-dependent and my mom too, there's no question here. My questioning is this, how big of an issue is it really? No one is perfect and maybe I can handle being co-dependent. In fact, I'm surprising myself on how well I'm handling this process of separation. All of our friends and family know now (except the kids) and I somehow feel a sort of serenity about it. Having great friends really help a lot. Maybe I'm just in denial and I'll come crashing down soon. We'll see. I'll look into the book you recommended, thanks!
Logged
MaybeSo
Distinguished Member
*
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Relationship status: Together five years, ended suddenly June 2011
Posts: 3680


Players only love you when they're playing...


« Reply #11 on: September 27, 2015, 10:09:28 PM »

Codependence is a very often misunderstood concept.

It was first noticed in the recovery community that many partner's of alcoholics would enable and cover-up and over-function for their faltering alcoholic partner.  They were usually self identified as the healthy one and proud of their self-sacrificial stance for a love one, though often a bit bitter and resentful of the burden, too.    Then, when the alcoholic partner got far into recovery and started to really heal... .and began to develop an authentic sense of self... .it would disrupt the equilibrium of their unspoken codependent arrangement... .and often recovery ended up leading to divorce.  Recovery actually destablized the relationship instead of making it better.  Even more interesting was seeing partners of recovered addicts... .who had divorced the recovered addict... .somehow manage to find another wet alcoholic or addict to be married to yet again! They then resumed their normal role of over-functioning care-giver to a person who is half a quart shy of self-hood due to alcoholism.  

A rescuer needs a victim.

A victim needs a rescuer.

This equation is not developmentally healthy, though many people live this way.

It has nothing to do with otherwise healthy, developmentally functioning adults who sometimes by choice, and with thought... .make a sacrifice for a loved one.  This is much different. A relationship that is healthy is interdependent... .we sometimes do for another of course... but dependency issues are not at stake when we do.  

If you are chronically taking up the slack (emotionally, physically, psychologically, financially)... .for an adult that they should be developmentally capable of doing for themselves... .this is not caring or love... .it is co-dependence (a shared dependency bond if you will) ... and the reason it can be so unhealthy is because each person's less developed self is dependent upon maintaining the status quo of shared dependency.

Both people in a codependent arrangement are using dependency as a crutch to shore up a shaky or un-developed sense of self.  As adults, we need to grow up and develop a solid, flexible core sense of self that is not completely dependent upon (does not collapse entirely) or based on what someone else is doing or not doing.  
Logged

Notwendy
********
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Parent
Posts: 10440



« Reply #12 on: September 28, 2015, 06:01:05 AM »

Maybe So's explanation is excellent.

I wanted to address your question about how big of an issue is it, and if it is possible to be comfortable with it. I think people are comfortable with all kinds of relationship patterns. Also, co-dependency has its emotional payoff. There is an emotional payoff to any behavior, healthy or not. In some cases there is an emotional cost to the behavior, but the behavior will likely continue if the emotional payoff is of greater value to the person than the cost.

"Payoff" and "cost" is personal. If indeed, you don't feel too bad about how you function in relationships, then that is your choice to make. People generally do not wish to change something unless they are unhappy about it.

There is the concept of "hitting bottom" in alcoholism and also co-dependency. I think it is easier to understand the alcoholic bottom because it is physical. I knew a severely alcoholic man, who when he was not drinking was a nice looking, neatly dressed man, but you would not know this when he hit bottom, he looked frightening- disheveled, emaciated. At that point, he would make efforts to recover. Sadly, he cycled through this over time.

Alcohol is an easier model because the physical consequences are visible. Why would someone continue drinking past the point where it harmed them physically, hurt their family, perhaps cost their jobs? Because of the payoff- the addiction. Addictions serve as a means of escaping emotional pain. Recovery with an alcoholic aims at stopping the drinking, but then, there is the emotional issues to deal with, and the task is to learn a more emotionally functional way to be.

Co dependency also has a price- physical and emotional- in terms of stress, depression, loss of self. Yet it doesn't have the stigma of some other addictions like alcohol or drugs, so it often doesn't have the obvious social cost that these addictions do. There is the idea of "hitting bottom" in co-dependency though and co-dependents can find themselves to be extremely unhappy, depressed, burned out.

It is said that the opportunity for change for the alcoholic is when they hit bottom, otherwise, the payoff is more appealing to them than the price of drinking. Only when they hit bottom are they able to consider a different choice. The time a co-dependent might seek help would also likely be when they hit an emotional low.

Ironically, the co-dependent can impede the incentive to change by rescuing the other person- so that person doesn't experience hitting bottom.

I did hit an emotional bottom- with my parents and with my marriage. It was a strong incentive to change. However, I understand that if you are not unhappy, there may be no reason for you to make changes. You may not ever hit a bottom.




Logged
TooRational
**
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: married but separated
Posts: 74


WWW
« Reply #13 on: September 29, 2015, 09:47:56 AM »

Thank you both for all the food for thought. I don't think that I've hit rock bottom yet, actually I feel quite far from it. I'm surprisingly handling everything pretty well. Maybe I'm just in denial, I don't know.

My priority right now is to minimize the impact of my wife's outbursts on the kids. It happened again yesterday and she was very rough with our 3yo, pushing him against a door jamb and slightly hurting him. I asked our 6 yo daughter if she was afraid of mommy and she said "yes", adding "Mommy is always mean to us".

I confronted my wife about her lack of control and she knows and agrees. She says she's gonna try really hard to improve but doesn't have a real plan on how to go about it. At least she's gonna talk about that to her psychologist today.

One very likely scenario is that she's going to rent a room in a house basement on a monthly basis and go live there for a while, without me and the kids. She could come take care of the kids at our house on weekends while I go somewhere else. I told her that she's not ready to take care of the kids 50/50 and she agrees to some extent. She knows she's hurting people right now with her decision to move out and she's willing to make concessions. I think I can be grateful of her cooperation.
Logged
Notwendy
********
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Parent
Posts: 10440



« Reply #14 on: September 29, 2015, 09:59:53 AM »

Well, consider the source of your "diagnosis". Pw BPD tend to blame others for their issues. For me, the information came from a trained, and reliable T. If your wife is the one "diagnosing " you, then it is questionable in that sense.

You would know if you hit bottom.

Even if it is your wife who is making the diagnosis, you can also look for clues and patterns in your relationships and FOO. You have been attracted to someone with BPD and your parents marriage fits a co-dependent pattern. One thing to consider is that co-dependency can exist on a spectrum from mild to very. You may just have some traits, and if you are content, then at this point, you may not feel a reason to change.

I think all of us in who are connected with pw BPD might benefit from some personal insight and growth. One incentive to do some personal work is that you got into a relationship with someone who "matched you" in some way. Without some insight and personal counseling, you are likely to get into similar relationships if not in this one.

Regardless of the outcome of this one ( and you don't know that), the separation could be a time of personal change and growth so that you can either relate to her or with someone else better.
Logged
MaybeSo
Distinguished Member
*
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Relationship status: Together five years, ended suddenly June 2011
Posts: 3680


Players only love you when they're playing...


« Reply #15 on: September 29, 2015, 12:01:16 PM »

Excerpt
It happened again yesterday and she was very rough with our 3yo, pushing him against a door jamb and slightly hurting him.

It's good that she is seeing a psychologist. 

It would be a good idea for you to have your own therapist considering the gravity of the situation you are describing here. 
Logged

goateeki
****
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: Married 19 years
Posts: 262



« Reply #16 on: September 29, 2015, 12:47:44 PM »

I can put in my two cents on co-dependency here, though I'm not certain how it would all fit in.  My ex wife (diagnosed pwBPD and complex PTSD) had what I've pretty much always thought was a horrible childhood.  Some solid facts: Her mother was banished from her home and had to live with an aunt (allegedly a consequence of a very early unplanned pregnancy), and then walked out on her family (my ex wife was 11) as a result of an affair with a man 13 years her junior.  I have a feeling that the time between the banishment from her childhood home and walking out on her own young family was not great, which would coincide with my ex wife's infancy and early childhood.  I have known her to be a very judgmental and temperamental person.  Her own parents (my ex wife's grandparents) would not attend the wedding of my ex wife's mother and father.  My ex wife's godmother calls my ex wife's mother and her FOO "the craziest people [she has] ever encountered."

My ex wife claims she was raped at 14 by an acquaintance and underwent an abortion. If I follow her story correctly, the father died in a motorcycle accident shortly thereafter.  Within weeks of she and I starting to date in grad school, she ACTUALLY WAS attacked by a stranger, tied up, and raped at knifepoint for two hours.  This didn't result in a pregnancy (she took a morning after pill) but she did contract genital warts (she already had herpes labialis). She never participated meaningfully in sexual assault therapy, and blames me for that, despite the fact that I drove her to what few sessions she attended, escorted her to the door and waited in the car for her outside, and did the majority of the work to get an awareness program started for her (which came to naught as the county would not fund it). 

Eight years into our marriage we had two children that she claims she wanted "only because something was missing."  I did not initiate the pregnancies, she asked for both children and initiated them.  I was happy to have these kids and love them.  I did not press having kids because I had no idea how she would react to my desire to have them.   

Not once during our 19 year marriage did she initiate any form of affection, with the possible exceptions of four hugs that I got when opening a gift or something similar.  

About two years ago I reached a breaking point, because I began to lose faith in my unrelenting belief that I could make the relationship work.  I was dying inside and very lonely.  I told her that I wanted her to behave in a way that made me feel wanted, rather than simply tolerated.  That ended the marriage.  The second I articulated an emotional need, I was painted black in a way that few people are.  She would behave at time like she was living with an ax murderer.  Many of the things she said to me during that time I still cannot believe she said.  In essence, she claimed that she never felt anything for me, always hated me, and that she had spent her entire adult life doing things she did not want to do.  

Was I co-dependent?  I don't know.  I was criticized constantly for having my own life and friends and opinions and interests.  She would make a loud scene in public if I mentioned that I was speaking to someone and she did not know about it prior to me speaking to them.  Anything that marked individuality was a target for criticism.  I was regularly accused of having affairs, and in ways that bordered on outright paranoia (which is very disturbing to actually witness).  She would contact people in my life and tell them to stay away from me.  

To my ex wife, I was not dependent enough, and that's what ended the marriage.  So I now believe that the only relationships that work are ones in which both participants are healthy people who can love and hold the other "with a loose hand."  My T has remarked that there is someone out there for her, but not anyone capable of self respect. She hasn't found him (or her - she also questioned her sexuality during this phase of utter craziness) yet, after more than 18 months apart.  

Make of that what you will.  Non-dependency, or individuality, was a cost for me - a risk, a demerit.  A bad quality that I possessed.  What she sought (and what her mother has in her father) is complete subordination of individuality, because only in that environment can she invest and risk nothing.    
Logged
TooRational
**
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: married but separated
Posts: 74


WWW
« Reply #17 on: September 29, 2015, 01:14:37 PM »

Notwendy, yes, I'm probably at risk of falling into the same kind of relationship if I don't work on myself a little. I'm aware of that and I will, in time. But I don't see another relationship in my life for several years at least. I don't want to bring another person in my kids' life that might not last again.

Maybeso, yes, I started seeing my own psychologist. I saw her twice already. She's mostly in listening mode right now so I can't say that she's been very helpful so far but I have hope. I mentioned co-dependency but we veered off subject and I didn't get her opinion on that yet. Her most helpful comment was that the primary need of children, above and beyond anything else (even food), is to feel secure. This will be my guiding principle for the next steps.

goateeki, thanks for sharing your story, I'm sorry for you. All considered, my situation is probably not as bad as yours. I hope that you got the support you need. To me (and you're probably the same) it would be much easier to heal from this failed relationship if the kids were not in the picture.

I need to keep faith that my wife will get better, for the kids at least. My wife doesn't want my help anymore so what I can do for the kids is very limited at this point. This is the hardest part. I'm considering fighting for full custody but I don't want to start a war that I'm not sure to win. The collateral damage would be too great. Right now I'm really not sure that I would win.
Logged
TooRational
**
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: married but separated
Posts: 74


WWW
« Reply #18 on: September 30, 2015, 08:44:56 AM »

I started a new thread in [L3] Leaving because it is more appropriate there:

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=283875.new#new

Logged
Can You Help Us Stay on the Air in 2024?

Pages: [1]   Go Up
  Print  
 
Jump to:  

Our 2023 Financial Sponsors
We are all appreciative of the members who provide the funding to keep BPDFamily on the air.
12years
alterK
AskingWhy
At Bay
Cat Familiar
CoherentMoose
drained1996
EZEarache
Flora and Fauna
ForeverDad
Gemsforeyes
Goldcrest
Harri
healthfreedom4s
hope2727
khibomsis
Lemon Squeezy
Memorial Donation (4)
Methos
Methuen
Mommydoc
Mutt
P.F.Change
Penumbra66
Red22
Rev
SamwizeGamgee
Skip
Swimmy55
Tartan Pants
Turkish
whirlpoollife



Powered by MySQL Powered by PHP Powered by SMF 1.1.21 | SMF © 2006-2020, Simple Machines Valid XHTML 1.0! Valid CSS!