Why is it a slow and painful process? I am confused.

[jinnymvp]

Hey everyone, I am new to this site and recently found out my boyfriend has BPD, he said it runs in his family. I have never been in a relationship so confusing and painful before yet not wanted to walk away from it. I always knew he struggled with depression pretty bad, we separated a couple times before but always remained in contact. Besides the fact I love him, we reunited because he was seeing a sponsor and getting spiritual help as well, the difference was remarkable. Then he moved and slowly started to fade back into old ways. I recently went to visit him and while we had a wonderful time it was like something was missing. He wasn't there, so submerged in his own world and like he said life was dull and he has trouble feeling emotions a majority of the time. "Its like someone else is living my life for me and I am at a distance, experiencing all of these great things yet feeling nothing, living through a filter" he stated to me.

Bottom line is I care for him deeply and want him to be happy. I want him to get help but he has got to want it himself, so I guess I need help on setting boundaries for myself. If anyone has any advice on how to deal, relate or has knowledge about boundary setting please help, no people in my life even know what BPD so I am feeling kinda alone. Or if you just want to talk that'd be nice too. Thanks everyone, I am glad I found this online community.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[ColdEthyl]

Hello and welcome!

Those feelings are all too familiar... .both yours and your pwBPD.

Setting boundaries is difficult because of how they react... .especially in the beginning. It's about you... .your core values and what you want from the relationship. Identify what those are, then you work on how to do that.

For an example, I have a boundary about name calling. Once he starts or tries to start, I stop the conversation and tell him I am leaving the room for 15 minutes, and if he wants to continue to talk we can, but if there's more name calling, I'm just going to walk right back out.

I've only had to leave once so far. The other times just the threat was enough to make him calm down.

I have read other's stories where it's not as smooth as a process, it all depends on the individual.

What sort of boundaries are you thinking about?

[jinnymvp]

Thank you for the reply! Nice to virtually meet you.

The boundaries I was thinking were along the lines of a time table. I told him he needs help and what he should do and he agreed. However, if he doesn't get help I can't continue to live drained,unsettled and unfulfilled in this relationship.

I just left his temporary home in another state, on the trip is when I found all of this out and we talked about it. He is coming back to my state in about a month... He was debating on staying and waiting for me to get out of school but we are so unstable right now and if this continues I would prefer we part ways. So I was thinking of giving him a month to gather information and seek help. He is 30, a grown man and I shouldn't have to mother him through this anymore. I will support him if he will help support himself and put the effort in. Does that sound too harsh? I just feel like I can have codependent tendencies and want to stay and help long after the relationships expiration date and I am trying to avoid that.

[waverider]

A couple of links for you

DISSOCIATION

BOUNDARIES

Follow your way slowly through the Lessons on the right>> They will put things in a logical order for you.

The thing about boundaries is they are things you do to protect yourself. Once you start trying to "negotiate" you will come across his lack of consistency and poor impulse control, they will override any agreed arrangements throwing your life into confusion forever waiting for him to play along


Waverider

[an0ught]

Hi jinnymvp,

He is 30, a grown man and I shouldn't have to mother him through this anymore.

That is the crux of the matter... .

He is 30 but then he is maybe 14 as well. Not taking the "mother" role is a very good boundary i.e. rule for yourself  . But closing your eyes that emotionally he immature is not realistic either. The whole point of therapy is him maturing emotionally.

,

a0

[jinnymvp]

Thank you all for the feedback. I really appreciate it and this place has made me feel very comforted and that I am not alone. I am so blessed to have found this community, it is really helping me see clearly and move along my journey in a healthy way. Thank you all so much!

[ColdEthyl]

It was such a relief for me when I found out I wasn't alone, too. Certainly helps cope better