I hate the eggshells

[maxsterling]

I think it takes an awful lot of work to lose that "walking on eggshells" feeling.  Past experiences with recent reinforcements to keep things fresh.  Still makes me hyper aware at times when in other relationships these situations would not require second thought.

Two things going on:

- I realize I have fear over telling my W my schedule for my second job.  No matter what my schedule is, she complains, guilt trips, and in general manipulates.  I still try to duck out of that situation as easy as possible. 

- My wedding band fell off sometime yesterday morning.  Likely it fell off while I was doing laundry or cleaning around the house.  I have lost so much weight recently that it doesn't stay on well anymore, especially if my hands are wet.  It's likely to turn up, but I dread my wife making a big deal about it.  Keep in mind this is a stainless steel ring, bought on clearance for something like 30 bucks.

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[jinnymvp]

I hate the eggshells too, I have been around it all my life. Trust and understanding is such an important thing to have in any relationship.

[waverider]

Feeling hesitant or anxious over potential unpleasantness is normal, you are not numb to it. No different than stuffing up at work and hoping you can either fix it before your boss finds out, or being nervous about approaching him about it is the same.

It is all about perspective, being aware of it then deciding on a course of action, taking a deep breath and getting on with.

Seeing the eggshells is important, then taking a moment to decide whether to walk around them or tramp on through the middle. By seeing your anxiety for what it is you can then make a choice. Choice is empowering.

Perceiving we have no apparent choice and tip toeing by default is demeaning to our self esteem.

[Notwendy]

Keep in mind this is a stainless steel ring, bought on clearance for something like 30 bucks.

Go buy another one. I'm not kidding. It would cost more to resize it. Not eggshells but why not have one that fits?

One thing to consider is what is eggshells and what is privacy- not having to tell everything. Even in a marriage, someone does not have to explain every action. I do think something that impacts the other person,  like your schedule, spending large sums of money should be shared. Getting a cup of coffee on the way to work, or buying a personal item within budget, not.

I do get what you are saying though, as sometimes it isn't worth dealing with the reaction and explanations. Sometimes it isn't necessarily eggshells but  the consequences of their behavior and enforcing our own boundaries. If your boundary is your ability to work, and you feel that if she knew your schedule- she would behave in ways that infringed on your getting to work, then you can protect that boundary.

If you are only not telling her out of fear of her response, then it is eggshells.

It doesn't feel comfortable to me to not be able to share everything, but I have to decide if I want to or not. I think it is important to be ethical, and not sneaky or betrayal, but if something is important to me, and I feel a need to keep a boundary about it, then I do. I don't think of this as eggshells, but the need for boundaries.

[babyducks]

Seeing the eggshells is important, then taking a moment to decide whether to walk around them or tramp on through the middle. By seeing your anxiety for what it is you can then make a choice. Choice is empowering.

Perceiving we have no apparent choice and tip toeing by default is demeaning to our self esteem.

I have to agree.   I had to give myself permission to stomp on a few eggshells.   Peace at any price was a lesson I learned in childhood.   It feels normal to me, that doesn't make it right.

[Notwendy]

Peace at any price... .

Yes, I agree, I was terrified of "making" anyone mad. I think the first steps I took at age 1 were on eggshells.

I also was not allowed to be comfortable with boundaries. I felt I had no right to keep anything to myself.

I came into the relationship with poor boundaries, but to me, it seems my H has iron clad ones- with moats around them filled with alligators. I had to learn to stay out of the (emotional) waters.

What it all comes down to is my own sense of ethics. I don't want to do something I will feel has violated my sense of right and wrong. My idea of marriage was to share things openly, but reality is that my H needs more space than I do. In honoring that space, I have also created my own, but I think it is good for two people to be individuals in a marriage.

Your wife's job is hers, and your job is yours. I think a general sharing is considerate " I won't be home for dinner tonight" regardless of her reaction, but all the details about your job isn't her business.

[Cat Familiar]

Smashing eggshells is one thing with a partner who is not volatile like your wife is. I'd be really concerned, as you are, in dealing with someone like her, who has a hair trigger. I spent most of my first marriage ducking for cover. Not a pleasant place to be.

[Notwendy]

Like Cat says, if someone is volatile, then maybe it isn't eggshells to choose not to tell. They say, put your oxygen mask on first- take care of yourself first. If you are not up to dealing with disregulation, then don't do it at the moment.

But as WW also said, sometimes we get to step on them, if it is for the best. I think there is a subtle difference between not wanting to deal with it and acting out of fear.

People who don't behave themselves and act civily towards me are not people I choose to share too much with.

It can also work the other way around. I spent less time with my mother when she was disregulating a lot around me. I have had stronger boundaries with mom, and she is more civil and less apt to disregulate around me. I am also less reactive to her. As a result of her better behavior- our interactions are more pleasant and I can spend more time with her. It is win win, even if it felt un natural and unkind to not WOE with her.