Confused and in need of advice

[kevineleven]

I'm here both looking for advice on what's going on and to hear from people who have exBPDgfs or even better pwBPD who can help me understand the thinking behind this.

My current gf has been diagnosed with BPD for about 2 months. Recently she has told me that she wants to "talk about our relationship". I know this may not seem too bad, but I know what she means by that, and she means she wants to end it. This isnt the first time she has though as she has recently adopted a heavily negative additude, saying I should leave her, I'm better off without her, I should find someone who wont eventually hurt me, how everything is temporary so whats the point if we all die alone, that kind of stuff. Basically thriving off the sad music she is always listening to.

Heres a bit of a backstory. I met her many months ago when I had a different girlfriend (she was bipolar) and initially just met her as a good friend but that quickly turned into a much deeper bond and friendship. I decided I was going to leave the relationship I was unhappy in and be with her and she loved it. It was a clear honeymoon stage, with all the communication and bonding going on, she seemed so perfect to me, and I perfect to her.

This all changed though a few days later after I did, my pwBPD said she didnt want a relationship with me anymore! It was so out of the blue because she never showed any signs at all of wanting to not be with me. There were no signs or rages or anything to tell me she was unhappy. She had recently told me she loved me but on the phone she coldly told me she didnt, and went on a rage about how she hated making her feel like an option (even though I was about to really begin my relationship with her). She clearly painted me black after this and immediately went back to her ex maybe a day or two later, making sure to brag to me about it the next day (she said she enjoyed seeing me in pain, yikes!). Any communication we had for the next 6 months or so I was still painted black even though we would occasionally flirt back and forth, Eventually she blocked me and cut me off at the request of her new boyfriend.

2 months of no contact and I was finally feeling like I was over her, low and behold thats when she chooses to strike. She comes back and begs for me to take her back into my heart, acting in ways I had never seen her (taking responsibility, admitting mistakes, literally asking me to call her names because she deserved it for wanting to hurt me on purpose). I ended up taking her back that night and it was the honey moon stage all over again. At least for a little while.

She began going to a new university shortly afterwards, and said she would always have time for me. This did not seem to be true. Though she only has classes twice a week, she always finds an excuse to be busy, ignore me, or push it off (we are in a long distance relationship, so calling and Skyping were important to us). Since she has started University, she has grown very distant and cold towards me. She no longer asks to Skype or call, and when we say we should more often, she makes sure it doesnt. As silly as it sounds, she doesnt even send me selfies anymore even if I ask (she used to constantly spam me with them), and doesnt make our relationship a thing known among her friends or family, basically hiding me. I am scheduled to fly out and see her in January, and she tells me now that she might not want me to for contradicting reasons in the same breath of air (she might have pure bliss with me but as soon as I leave she will be more alone than ever and/or one of us will not "fully fall in love" with the other and it would be a waste of time).

Because of this, we have grown emotionally distant and she has admitted to me that for reasons she doesnt understand, she doesnt feel anything for me anymore and constantly wants to shut the world out and be alone. That she feels numb and doesnt want to be with anyone but at the same time wishes someone would save her from what she cant control. Is this possible for pwBPD? To go emotionally numb to their SO for no reason? Or is there something we are both missing? She says she feels a distance with me she cant close but doesnt even try! And when I point it out, she says Im right and basically asks me to dump her right there. I dont know if shes testing me but if she is, Its been months of this so she can stop... .

Just 2 weeks ago she confessed that she doesnt feel like the same person as when we met (depression worsened, personality is always changing, no longer ever happy for long), and thinks we should stop dating so I can be with "someone I deserve" (she hates herself and is always negative and self-loathing). What was once just triggered depression has become her daily wanting to be alone and without anyone with her, and numb to most emotions unless she is in town with her friends (her own words).

Is this dissociation? If so, what could have brought it out and when will it end? (Neither of us are very aware or understand this disorder well, ironically especially her as she admits) I dont understand how a person can change so much in a matter of a month. I know she has fears about us not working out since she expressed them, giving everything in the book and even contradicting her reasons. I know pwBPD have abandonment issues, so why is she not afraid of me or her leaving? She used to cry if I were angry at her at all but now she just ignores me for hours for the smallest of things. Our most recent thing that brought out the talk needing to happen in a few nights being that I was expressing how I felt sad for no reason, and she ignored my texts after that. I felt angry that she would pick such a time to have one of her moods, so I didnt text her back thinking she would respond and she didnt for 3 days and blamed me for it.

She has been avoiding this talk for the past few nights by going out with friends until late at night and all communication from her is emotionless and robotic. Can someone with experience or a pwBPD help me understand her actions? I think I can understand why she left many months ago (jealousy or harboring anger?), but not now when I am totally devoted to her and give her everything she needs and wants and more (what she claims), at least thats what I see, but Im obviously missing something here. I almost feel like I have to be one of her abusive exs to get the same devotion they did. Like once the cat has caught the running mouse, the chase is over and now the cat is bored and wants to look for a new mouse to run after.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[thisagain]

Welcome Kevin!  

I think a good step for you is to read the Lessons, which are linked on the right side of the page. They will help you understand BPD and some basic communication tools to help reduce the conflict in your relationship.

Long-distance relationships are tough, and are especially stressful for both partners when BPD is involved. I'm new to an LDR with my partner, and have found that the distance triggers her fear of abandonment, but her inability to cope with those unpleasant feelings can also cause her to paradoxically push me away. People with BPD are masters of self-sabotage, so she'll be terribly afraid of losing you, but at the same time will pick fights with you, engage in behavior she knows is a relationship deal-breaker, or even break up with you herself.

I think I can understand why she left many months ago (jealousy or harboring anger?), but not now when I am totally devoted to her and give her everything she needs and wants and more (what she claims), at least thats what I see, but Im obviously missing something here. I

Just as important as the fear of abandonment is their fear of being engulfed or losing themselves in another person. So they will pull you in, but then get scared because you are so close. I think in some people with BPD there is also a fear that if you get too close, you'll see the "real them" (which they are deeply ashamed of) and then won't love them anymore and will abandon them. That is part of what motivates them to cycle quickly to the next relationship.