Home page of BPDFamily.com, online relationship supportMember registration here
March 29, 2024, 01:37:45 AM *
Welcome, Guest. Please login or register.

Login with username, password and session length
Board Admins: Kells76, Once Removed, Turkish
Senior Ambassadors: Cat Familiar, EyesUp, SinisterComplex
  Help!   Boards   Please Donate Login to Post New?--Click here to register  
bing
Things we can't ignore
What Does it Take to Be in a Relationship
Why We Struggle in Our Relationships
Is Your Relationship Breaking Down?
Codependency and Codependent Relationships
93
Pages: [1]   Go Down
  Print  
Author Topic: How to protect my truth?  (Read 582 times)
thisagain
****
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Gay, lesb
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 408


« on: September 27, 2015, 06:30:57 PM »

I know people have posted here before about their partner always having to compete with or one-up the Non's illnesses and other troubles. That happened to me today and I am so upset.

Short backstory: I have a little-known genetic disorder that caused me increasingly severe pain (to the point that I was periodically bedridden or in a wheelchair) until I was finally diagnosed last year. It's treatable enough that I now can usually pretend to have a normal life as long as I limit physical activity and am very careful. But it still causes me intense pain every day and restricts my activities to the point where I'm constantly wondering if I'll be able to keep working a full-time job.

There is a well-accepted, objective method of diagnosing this disease based on a physical examination. I am 100% sure based on observing her for two years that my partner does not have it. And over the course of our relationship she has also continuously marveled at how differently my body works, how she's never experienced anything like the pain that I'm in, etc.

Then today my partner called me from the doctor all excited because she thinks SHE has the same illness. She was really flippant about it, like "Hey guess what? I have (illness name) too!  Laugh out loud (click to insert in post) "

She apparently got this doctor to diagnose her with it? There is some disagreement even among experts on exactly HOW bad you have to be to get the official diagnosis, but she is way far off. And after years of begging doctors to tell me what was wrong and getting brushed off, it is very precious to me to have the validation that I have a real, scientifically recognized disease with objectively measurable diagnostic criteria. And she's just trampling all over that while literally LOL-ing.

I told her something that was milder than what I wanted to say, but it still made her rage at me. I said something like "I'm not sure about that, because my doctors told me that I barely met the criteria and your joints are nowhere near as bad as mine." And then she jumps down my throat about how that isn't supportive and she expected better from someone with a chronic illness.   And, in keeping with her latest condescending/projecting theory that I have mental problems and need therapy, said that I should use this as a "teachable moment" for when I go "get help."

I just felt so insulted because I have suffered so much from this disease, often with very little empathy from her (like leaving me alone in the ER while she had a temper tantrum), and now she's just like "Laugh out loud (click to insert in post) me too!"... .She's already had a pattern of trying to one-up and minimize my problems, and now I'm scared that it's going to get SO much worse and I won't even get the little intermittent sympathy that I used to.

This illness is unfortunately a really central part of my life, and it's important to me to be able to hold onto and defend my truth: that I have a real and objectively diagnosable illness, and it causes me a lot of pain and other difficulties that are real and that other people (including my partner) don't experience. I'm not sure I can even stay in this relationship and maintain that value, knowing that the one-upping and minimizing is going to get a million times worse AND I'm going to be expected to validate all sorts of ridiculousness like this about her supposedly having the same illness. What should I do?
Logged

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING
This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

formflier
Retired Staff
*
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Relationship status: Married
Posts: 19076



WWW
« Reply #1 on: September 27, 2015, 07:58:29 PM »

 

 

I can empathize with you.  I have a number of service connected disabilities that will most likely haunt me for the rest of my life. 

I've worked hard with some and gotten them better, it's livable and I make the best of it.

My wife (with BPD traits) is erratic in her support of me.  Very frustrating.

Practical advice is to work with your doctor to get things as best you can.

Minimize discussions of your issues with your pwBPD. 

Come back here for understanding and hugs... .
Logged

thisagain
****
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Gay, lesb
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 408


« Reply #2 on: September 27, 2015, 08:16:38 PM »

Aww FF I'm sorry to hear that 

I mostly gave up on expecting support from my pwBPD, especially after the time she threw a temper tantrum in the ER because I had ruined "her trip" to another city (the actual purpose of the trip was for me to see a geneticist).

But I'm really baffled as to how to deal with her deciding that she has the same disorder. The flippant attitude (" Laugh out loud (click to insert in post) I have (disorder) too!" is especially scary to me, given her patterns of needing to one-up all my problems and make everything about her.
Logged

thisagain
****
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Gay, lesb
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 408


« Reply #3 on: September 27, 2015, 08:22:24 PM »

And she has this very intense, basically insatiable need for validation of all of her perceived ailments. People usually get the laundry list of her allergies and health problems within ten minutes of meeting her (even though the list is constantly changing based on what gets her the most drama and attention). And she's extremely sensitive to any invalidation.

Even assuming I'm okay with not talking about my own problems around her, I'm not sure how I can respond to her need for validation while still holding onto my truth.
Logged

babyducks
********
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Gay, lesb
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 2920



« Reply #4 on: September 28, 2015, 05:38:33 AM »

Ay-yi-yi

Hi thisagain,

pwBPD have such an instable sense of self that they do tend to pick up the traits and characteristics of the people they are closest too.   and that is as much as I am going to say about her behavior.   I see it as another symptom of her illness.

Your physical health comes first.  Job number one.   I would encourage you to have strong boundaries around anything related to your medical care.

I have a difficult time knowing when to smash a few eggshells.   Standing up for myself is not a bad thing.  Picking my battles understanding  that a dsyregulation will ensue is not a bad thing.   Enforcing my boundaries is necessary.   I can validate to reinforce positive behavior but when I get behavior that is clearly unacceptable to my values I need to push back in a calm healthy control way.  I shouldn't validate the invalid.  I use the tools I learn here to put the message in a way that will most likely be understood but I don't stifle my truth.  Typically I let a couple days pass to let emotions cool.   

my two cents.

'ducks

Logged

What lies behind us and what lies ahead of us are tiny matters compared to what lives within us.
thisagain
****
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Gay, lesb
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 408


« Reply #5 on: September 28, 2015, 07:21:17 AM »

Ay-yi-yi is right. Thanks 'ducks Smiling (click to insert in post)

She's giving me the silent treatment now. After days of melodrama about how she misses me soo much now that we're living apart. She didn't even respond to my goodnight text.

I guess I will use the time to work on coming up with ways to use SET?

Knowing the way she gets about her perceived health problems, my guess is that any attempt to inject any truth will lead to rage, demands that I apologize and go along with her 100%, and discarding me when I don't.

I think I'm willing to risk that, though, because supporting me about my illness/disability is one of the things I want most from a partner. I was getting good at accepting that she would usually not be supportive, because she'd make it all about analogies to her own illnesses, or just generally not have the emotional capacity to be there for me. And after the ER incident I had good boundaries such as her not being allowed to come to my doctors' appointments (because she'd make it all about her, manically babble at the doctor about her own illnesses, throw a tantrum, rage at the doctor, etc). But this is deeply insulting.
Logged

thisagain
****
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Gay, lesb
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 408


« Reply #6 on: September 28, 2015, 11:55:37 PM »

Oh my god. After 24 hours of ST, I get several text messages enumerating all the other new health problems, how she "doesn't know" how they will affect her life expectancy, other illnesses she's "probably going to develop soon," her supposed family history of all these problems... .

And she's on a bunch of my Facebook groups for my disease, being melodramatic and giving out medical advice to unsuspecting actual sufferers of the disease. I still think I could deal with all the rest if she would leave MY disease alone.
Logged

waverider
Retired Staff
*
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Relationship status: married 8 yrs, together 16yrs
Posts: 7405


If YOU don't change, things will stay the same


« Reply #7 on: September 29, 2015, 02:11:47 AM »

We all have our own individual realities, they are precious dont throw them into the ring to be fought over as to determines whos is the "real one".

State your reality as that is your right, then drop it and let them run with whatever they want. Dont try selling it to someone who doesn't want to buy it, or you will cheapen it.
Logged

  Reality is shared and open to debate, feelings are individual and real
formflier
Retired Staff
*
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Relationship status: Married
Posts: 19076



WWW
« Reply #8 on: September 29, 2015, 07:06:50 AM »

 I still think I could deal with all the rest if she would leave MY disease alone.

She won't... .

My guess is that somehow she "gets something" from doing this.  

If you quit giving it to her (if that is possible) then over time she may drop this.

 

What do you think she "gets" from this?

FF
Logged

thisagain
****
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Gay, lesb
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 408


« Reply #9 on: September 29, 2015, 08:00:07 AM »

You're right FF, I slipped up the other day and gave her what she wanted. She thrives on the drama of thinking she has illnesses that other people don't believe, doctors don't diagnose, etc. As much as she says she wanted me to be supportive, I know that she was really after this drama and forcing me into the persecutor role that she's invented for me. I quickly caught myself right after the first phone call and stepped out of that role; but she'd already gotten the intermittent reinforcement and more ammo to paint me black to her T, family etc.

Then once she has a diagnosis that people believe, she turns to melodrama about her supposed shortened life, all the complications and other illnesses she could get, how burdensome the treatments are, how hard it is to have a disease that will kill her someday. (This is all either distorted from what her doctors say or completely without basis.) This plays out with the online group, friends, family, and especially with me. Either she gets sympathy (which kinda bores her so the complaints keep escalating) or she gets more drama of people questioning her or not taking it as seriously as she thinks they should.

So that's where she's at with me now-- trying to either suck me into her hypochondriac world or continue to paint me as dismissive and unsympathetic when she's practically on her deathbed. I haven't taken that bait but I know she'll find a way to back me into a corner so I can't dodge and have to say the truth.

Then once that gets old she moves on to the next illness. Stops the treatment for the previous illness, never mentions it again. She has floor to ceiling cabinets full of discarded medications and treatments for problems that she got bored with.

As far as why she's after my disease this time, I have a sympathetic theory and a cynical theory. The cynical is that she knew (maybe subconsciously) that this would hit too close to home and I would act in a way that reinforced her perpetrator narrative. The sympathetic is that she can't handle living apart so she decided to borrow my disease as a sort of memento; the way a healthy person might ask to borrow my sweater or something. But now she's definitely using it to try to manipulate me into acting like I deserve to be painted black.

In general she's been on a campaign lately to reinvent the history of our relationship with me as perpetrator, to try to soothe her own guilt about the emotional affair and other hurtful choices she made. Trying to convince me (or herself?) that I deserved it all. It's been really tough to deal with.
Logged

formflier
Retired Staff
*
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Relationship status: Married
Posts: 19076



WWW
« Reply #10 on: September 29, 2015, 09:06:41 AM »

  It's been really tough to deal with.

Yep, they use these situations to trip you up.

If you can step back and see that this is not about the "issue of the moment" but is part of a dysfunctional cycle or a dysfunctional r/s, I believe you will make better choices about the issue of the moment.

Focus on forest first... .then figure if the tree needs to be trimmed or ignored.

More later.

Hope this helps.

FF
Logged

Sunfl0wer
`
********
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: He moved out mid March
Posts: 2583



« Reply #11 on: September 29, 2015, 11:44:31 AM »

It sounds like you are saying that your illness and the way it affects you is very personal and has become a big part of your identity.  Unfortunately, many aspects of your life likely revolve around the fact of your illness.

If your partner has an unstable sense of identity, and prone to enmeshment, maybe she feels she "needs" to be a part of this.  Maybe for her... .  she feels excluded from this very personal aspect of you.  Maybe she felt like she was failing in relating her symptoms to yours and not getting the enmeshed response she wanted... .as you defend your right to have boundaries around this area.  ... .therefore she took a different route to accomplish her goal of unifying identities with you.
Logged

How wrong it is for a woman to expect the man to build the world she wants, rather than to create it herself.~Anais Nin
thisagain
****
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Gay, lesb
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 408


« Reply #12 on: September 29, 2015, 12:30:58 PM »

Thanks for the insight Sunflower!

I think you might be right about her initial motivation. Especially since she's had an extremely hard time with starting to live in different cities. Separation has often triggered her to get extra out of control.

But now it's been twisted into trying to push me into the perpetrator role, so that she can play the victim to her therapist and family, and feel better about herself. For now I'm just focusing on not letting her drag me into that role - does that make sense?

I do see how this is just more of the same patterns. She's always had the unstable chameleon sense of self. And been self centered and wanted to make all of my health problems (including medical emergencies) about her. Since starting to lurk here this spring I try to just watch her illness drama from a detached place, validating whatever she says and not letting it affect me. And as I've started doing better applying the lessons, she's quadrupled her efforts to push me into the perpetrator role in all sorts of areas.

But because the illness is such an integral part of my life, I feel really deeply insulted and frankly disgusted that she's co-opting it as another stage to play out her drama. I feel like she doesn't respect me as a human with my own experiences and my own pain. This hurts a lot more than being broken up with and recycled, blamed for making her suicidal, accused of all sorts of character flaws, or any of the rest. And I can't just chalk it up to BPD and move on because it's going to keep coming up whenever I mention my real illness or she mentions her fake one.
Logged

formflier
Retired Staff
*
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Relationship status: Married
Posts: 19076



WWW
« Reply #13 on: September 29, 2015, 12:41:50 PM »

 

Thisagain,

Can you tell me how you try to validate your wife?  Most "issues" in BPD r/s I tend to go for boundaries.

In this case I'm really thinking that when she mentions her illness I would ask about her emotions and see if you can find a validation target.

Note: A no point are you agreeing with her feelings or supposed illness.

Any thoughts on this? 

FF
Logged

thisagain
****
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Gay, lesb
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 408


« Reply #14 on: September 29, 2015, 01:06:18 PM »

Normally she complains of symptoms in conjunction with some speculation that the symptom is indicative of imminent death, undiagnosed life threatening illness, etc.

So I say something like "I'm sorry honey, it sucks to have trouble breathing." Or "I'm sorry you feel yucky." It sounds juvenile in writing but that kind of language is usually my best bet for avoiding dysregulation and maybe even soothing her.

Basically I validate that the physical sensation is unpleasant and ignore the prediction of catastrophe. Or at most, "that sounds really scary, have you talked to your doctor about it?" (No) "well that sounds scary so I hope you talk to him about it." (Then sometimes she argues about how he doesn't know how bad she is, etc, and that's where I give up and duck out for the bathroom.)

What I don't think I can validate is "thisagain, my knee hurts because I have (thisagain's disease)." I would rather validate "my knee hurts I think I have bone cancer," because I don't really care if she's getting all hypochondriac about bone cancer. If it was that or any other disease I would just say sorry your knee hurts honey. But it feels like a betrayal of my own values (like I described in my first post) to just say that and ignore the part about my disease.
Logged

thisagain
****
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Gay, lesb
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 408


« Reply #15 on: September 29, 2015, 01:09:43 PM »

What would it look like to try to dig out the underlying emotions? I know something like "hmm are you worried about something?" would lead to a huge blowup because she's extremely sensitive to being told her symptoms are psychosomatic or all in her head.

Thanks for all your support and sharing your experience! It really helps.
Logged

formflier
Retired Staff
*
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Relationship status: Married
Posts: 19076



WWW
« Reply #16 on: September 29, 2015, 01:52:48 PM »

 

https://bpdfamily.com/content/communication-skills-validation

Start here.

Note:  I feel clumsy when validating.  So, take my advice carefully.  Hopefully others can weigh in.

You examples sound like agreement about a situation or a state of things.

Focus on emotion:  Happy, sad, fear... .etc

Try to get her to declare the emotion first... .so you don't have to guess.

Try "how do you feel about that"

Use active listening.  So, these medical issues are scary?   

Remember, it is about her feelings.  Offer no solutions, only support for her feeling.

Leave yourself out of it (avoid "me too" attempts at validation.

Hope this helps.

FF
Logged

thisagain
****
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Gay, lesb
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 408


« Reply #17 on: September 29, 2015, 02:22:17 PM »

Thanks FF! That sounds like something I could try with her usual ailments.

I still don't think I could do anything like that when she's talking about the illness that I actually have. I'm not going to say "so being diagnosed with Disease was scary?" when I know the whole situation is absolutely invalid and she got diagnosed by lying and exaggerating (and probably parroted things that I say about my actual experience).

Would this be a place for SET or boundary that I just won't talk about this disease with her? Like I said I think that would likely spell the end of the relationship. And would also be giving her some of what she wants, because she thrives on the drama of people not believing or listening to her health complaints. I feel very painted into a corner.
Logged

formflier
Retired Staff
*
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Relationship status: Married
Posts: 19076



WWW
« Reply #18 on: September 29, 2015, 02:38:17 PM »

I still don't think I could do anything like that when she's talking about the illness that I actually have. I'm not going to say "so being diagnosed with Disease was scary?" when I know the whole situation is absolutely invalid and she got diagnosed by lying and exaggerating (and probably parroted things that I say about my actual experience).

Dude... .

I realize the same disease thing is very personal for you.  "not taking things personally" was revolutionary to me.  It really helped.

I would focus on that she "feels" that she has the same disease.  That is valid

You can feel that she doesn't.  That is valid.

If there is anyway for you to focus on feeling and keep facts and diagnosis out of it... .I think you will be better off.

I normally am a guy that goes for boundaries rather quickly.

I've got this vibe from your situation that you need to focus on validation first.  Heavy with it.

What about giving big... .long... .hugs to go along with this.

All the while avoid agreeing with the diagnosis (and therefore protecting your truth)

Thoughts?

FF
Logged

thisagain
****
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Gay, lesb
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 408


« Reply #19 on: September 29, 2015, 02:57:21 PM »

I hear you. I think that might just be something I'm unwilling to not take personally? I've let tons of wild accusations and insults roll off my back by focusing on her feelings instead of facts. But this disease is not a "feeling" that she can try on for attention.

And despite what her behavior suggests, she has not been lacking in validation from me. She's just lashing out because of the new living situation and because the rest of her life is in shambles.

I guess one way to put it is that it's incredibly invalidating for me; a total lack of recognition of my own feelings and experiences.
Logged

formflier
Retired Staff
*
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Relationship status: Married
Posts: 19076



WWW
« Reply #20 on: September 29, 2015, 03:03:34 PM »

I guess one way to put it is that it's incredibly invalidating for me; a total lack of recognition of my own feelings and experiences.

Yep, and if you can't hang with that.  Then it's boundary time.  No apologies or explanations.

Boundaries protect you.

If there is any chance for you to work validation as hard as you can... .I really encourage it.

Just a vibe I'm getting from your post and imagining the dynamic.

Last thought:  Boundaries don't prevent her from "trying on" your illness.  That is her choice, not yours.

I really think you have a better chance of diverting her needs and attention from your illness with validation rather than boundaries.  Just my 2 cents.

FF
Logged

thisagain
****
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Gay, lesb
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 408


« Reply #21 on: October 01, 2015, 08:08:24 PM »

After a while of ST she called me threatening suicide... .I called 911 and her therapist (who then also called 911) after feeling out that it was an imminent possibility... .police went to her apartment and she sent me some text messages--from the ambulance!--breaking up with me and berating me for calling.

I'm holding her to it this time, no more recycles. I really admire you all for your commitment to your families, but I'm young and not married and it's too much for me.

Thanks for the staying encouragement everyone. You've all been so generous and patient. I'll still work on taking your wisdom and insight to heart and I know it will help me and my future relationship(s) immensely.

Hugs and best wishes to everyone

             
Logged

babyducks
********
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Gay, lesb
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 2920



« Reply #22 on: October 02, 2015, 04:18:31 PM »

Hi thisagain,

You did the right thing by calling 911 and her therapist.   Who also did the right thing by calling 911.   And the police felt the danger was significant enough to warrant intervention.   You did, literally, everything you could.

There are times when, even though we model the way our partners choose not to follow us along a healthier path.  That is a sad thing.   

Don't be a stranger to us, there are people over on the Leaving Board that could use the benefit of your cool headed wisdom,... .and heck you might learn something over there too.

Take good care of yourself.   

'ducks

Logged

What lies behind us and what lies ahead of us are tiny matters compared to what lives within us.
thisagain
****
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Gay, lesb
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 408


« Reply #23 on: October 02, 2015, 06:08:59 PM »

Thanks 'ducks 

I really care about her and was committed to being the partner she needed, even though I was just starting to learn... .but I think she would have had to make at least a little effort of her own. Her therapist has apparently been encouraging her to do DBT and she refuses (because she's fine and everyone else is the problem). I hope for her sake that she sees it someday. Of course in the ER she denied having a plan and they released her.

Definitely going to stick around to work on myself and on making sure this doesn't get drawn out in a continued unhealthy relationship. I assume you know how it is with lesbians and their messy relationships with their ex-girlfriends  
Logged

Can You Help Us Stay on the Air in 2024?

Pages: [1]   Go Up
  Print  
 
Jump to:  

Our 2023 Financial Sponsors
We are all appreciative of the members who provide the funding to keep BPDFamily on the air.
12years
alterK
AskingWhy
At Bay
Cat Familiar
CoherentMoose
drained1996
EZEarache
Flora and Fauna
ForeverDad
Gemsforeyes
Goldcrest
Harri
healthfreedom4s
hope2727
khibomsis
Lemon Squeezy
Memorial Donation (4)
Methos
Methuen
Mommydoc
Mutt
P.F.Change
Penumbra66
Red22
Rev
SamwizeGamgee
Skip
Swimmy55
Tartan Pants
Turkish
whirlpoollife



Powered by MySQL Powered by PHP Powered by SMF 1.1.21 | SMF © 2006-2020, Simple Machines Valid XHTML 1.0! Valid CSS!