Wife is in psych ward [Intro]

[Peyterbean]

Okay... So I'm reaching out for help. My wife has done nothing but cause us pain since we were married. she is currently hospitalized 60 miles south of me and our two boys age 3 and 2. She has been suicidal or talking about suicide for the past six months. I have brought her to the hospital on many occasions.

About 8 months ago she took our boys from our home, filed a restraining order against me accusing me of domestic violence, that she got, she accused me of molesting our oldest boy and caught the attention of child services as they found her accusations were false. She admitted to telling our sons pediatrician and poor kid had to have a work over by the doctor. Actually she blamed t on her mother. Then two weeks later she wanted to come back home. This was after I had to quit my job as an addictions counselor due to all the stress and not seeing my boys. Well the restraining order was thrown out and she came home. Since she is suicidal and does not do anything but yell. She has been diagnosed with BPD, PTSD, and bi polar.

My kids and I are in a shelter for families where they give us an aperture the for four months to get on our feet. I am taking my card exam in December and my wife wants to come home after she gets out of the hospital.

I can't take it anymore but I love her still, I am the co dependent obviously. I hate to see my kids have to keep going through all this and we all need some stability. They miss their mom for sure, everything I read says that I need to divorce her... I feel guilty for considering it, I didn't want this for my boys but I am afraid that if she comes home it is just gonna be more of the same. Her goal in life is to get on SSI, she laughs like "now il for sure get SSI" anyways... That's my problem.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[LonelyChild]

Hi.

This is the Staying board, but you say you read that you need to leave her.

I have gone through what you have, although I'm likely younger, and we weren't married. There's also another user - Trog (thank you Trog, you've been immensely helpful to me) - who has gone through this with his wife.

I've been put through hell because of my ex's apparent "mental issues" (which disappeared whenever the situation called for it). She would hallucinate, hear voices, etc. This will be her life long battle, and a person having those issues and fighting that battle, should not be anywhere near children.

In my case, I had the biggest fear that, if I would leave her, she would be happy with someone else and turn normal. I can tell you now - this is not going to happen. She will not wake up one day and be normal. In fact, she most likely never will. Please take a firm grip of the situation and control it. You can choose to move on for the best of you and your children.

If you DO decide to stay, please make sure the children are not involved in this mess in ANY way.

[babyducks]

hi Peyterbean

welcome to bpdfamily.  I am sorry to hear of the difficult circumstances that lead you to us.   What you describe, the suicide attempts, the emotional dsyregulation, the accusations are incredibly hard and will take a toll on the strongest of us.

almost all of our members arrive here with their relationships either struggling, failing or failed.   whatever state your relationship is in and whichever way you decide to go we can provide support and encouragement for you.  we understand what you are going through.

on the right hand side of the screen is a box that contains links to the lessons.  take a look.    the lessons will help to explain a lot of what you are dealing with right now.   the lessons also contain tools and skills which will assist in minimizing conflict.  because you have children you will always need to be in some contact with your wife and learning communications skills will help to protect you and your kids.

visit often, write as much or as little as you feel comfortable with.  sometimes it is helpful to be heard and know we are not alone.



'ducks

[Stylianos]

Hi Peyterbean,

Welcome to one of the best sources of reality, support, wisdom and strength.  (Mind you not me at all - i am only a witness - however i was directly in your place not long ago... .) Collectively - this site has immense power and knowledge which is ripe for you to gleen information that directly applies to your past (helps to analyze past events and emotions within context), present (crisis support and direct interaction with those who have been down this path), and future (by understanding the past and dealing with the present in a more healthy way than we ever have before - the right steps to make for the future become more clear all the time).

One of the first and greatest gifts/realizations i had that helped me was to know that i was no longer alone  - and understood that this BPD thing - is a thing - not made by me/you, but that we have found this resource and one another for a reason.  That reason means different things for different people here(staying/leaving etc) but in most all cases this site has provided invaluable information to help you along that path.

I was the valiant white knight/co-dependent - quite willing to endure everything for ever - because that was who i was.  My calculus changed when i finally realized that our children - did not sign up for that deal, and when i recognized the damage that was being inflicted on them i knew i had to make a change.  THat change is still happening and there are still pitfalls and hurt - but my goodness my children and i are in a much better, safer, and healthier place than ever before.  I undoubtedly have plenty of more work to do on myself to understand and heal from my codependent ways and character flaws that make me susceptible to PWBPD.  THis site has helped me there as well. 

Read as much as you can - find allies - under no circumstances let her know you are on here - document everything (for your own well being and potentially for legal matters) - and know that BPD does not get better on its own and the only variable that you have control over is you.  As a parent, i know that we would lay before a train to protect our children - but when that train hits you and keeps heading for them its necessary to change tactics and pull yourself and your children off the tracks.  I love my BPD - that will never change - however i have found that the the most loving thing i could do for her was to stop my enabling behaviors and let her go. 

Good luck and know you are with allies here - stay in the fight for you, your children, and ultimately her.

Regards,

S

[TheRealJongoBong]

Hey PB, I just want you to know that you're not alone. My wife just got out of the ward a couple of weeks back for "wanting to burn the house down with me in it". She tried to have me arrested for giving drugs to and having sex with the boy across the street which wasn't even remotely true. Also amongst her threats of divorce I came across papers where she was going to accuse me of domestic abuse.

This is a tough road, no doubt about it. I can't agree with Stylianos more, document everything in your interactions with your wife including the recording of your conversations. This is very much for your safety, but also to help understand what's going on. It can also be very helpful when dealing with the psychiatrists, therapists, and whatever other 'ists with whom you'll interact.

I think it's also important to get involved in her therapy as much as you are able, including reading up on what the Doc's say is the problem, the meds, etc. I say this because you are in a far better position to evaluate what's going on than they are as you are around this person much more in "real life" situations. Don't hesitate to tell her doctor if you think they are misunderstanding the situation.

Beyond that, welcome to the family! 

[formflier]

 

Welcome!

 

You are among friends.  We can help you sort this out. 

Please keep coming back to post.

FF