Home page of BPDFamily.com, online relationship supportMember registration here
March 28, 2024, 03:55:53 AM *
Welcome, Guest. Please login or register.

Login with username, password and session length
Board Admins: Kells76, Once Removed, Turkish
Senior Ambassadors: Cat Familiar, EyesUp, SinisterComplex
  Help!   Boards   Please Donate Login to Post New?--Click here to register  
bing
Things we can't ignore
What Does it Take to Be in a Relationship
Why We Struggle in Our Relationships
Is Your Relationship Breaking Down?
Codependency and Codependent Relationships
93
Pages: [1]   Go Down
  Print  
Author Topic: Was I wrong?  (Read 571 times)
dacoming
***
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Posts: 186


« on: September 28, 2015, 10:48:13 AM »

All, everything was going well last night, my wife had taken a shower and we were supposed to spend some time together.  The night before, we went out and got her the car that she wanted and she was happy.  I'm watching TV, she's on Facebook.  All of a sudden, she screams.  I ask, what's wrong and she tells me someone had posted a picture of a snake on Facebook and she has a phobia about snakes.  She asks me to scroll her page down.  I scrolled the page to get it off of the snake.  She gets instantly angry because she saw me scroll the page up instead of down.  I was not paying attention on that level; I was just scrolling the page so get it off the snake.  I told her to give me the phone back and I will scroll the other way.  She refused and called in our daughters (my stepdaughters technically) to pose the same question to them.  Our older daughter apparently scrolled too much so she got mad at her as well.  The other daughter didn't quite get what she was saying either which prompted her to say she's in a house full of wackos or something to that effect.  She kept ranting and telling me how I was always being mean to her for no reason and said that I can't seem to stop myself from being mean to her and that I have a problem.  I told her it was nothing like that; I just tried to scroll off the picture of the snake.  I wasn't thinking on the level of which way I was scrolling.  She wouldn't let it go and kept digging and digging so I told her I was just stupid.  That was not enough so she kept going which eventually made me upset.  I grabbed my clothes to go take a shower while she continued.  Fed up, I said "F you and I'm tired of her stupid A" or something to that effect.  She followed me out the room looking to fight.  She picked up something and threw it, hitting me in the face.  I went into the bathroom, locked the door and took a shower.

When I came out of the shower, she continued the verbal assault.  She asked if I thought that was a good move to say F you to her just because she didn't like something I did to her.  I kept walking without commenting while she followed me continuing to rage.  It went back and forth with me trying to explain my frustration and her over talking me.  She got in my face and started pointing her finger in my face, even to the point of pushing my face with it.  I got up and walked back downstairs while she followed, at one point walking right up on me from behind.  She continued putting her finger in my face and threatened me, trying to provoke me to fight her.  I stopped and turned around and dared her to hit me.  I told her I wasn't going to fight her but instead I would call the police.  The girls were in the room this whole time.  She started saying to me and them how she couldn't believe I was trying to set her up to go to jail by provoking her to hit me.  I told her I was not provoking her; she was the one following me around looking for confrontation while I was trying to get away from her.  The argument escalated until I went into our room and got dressed, just in case I had to leave.  I went back upstairs while she ranted with the girls, telling them how I got in her face to provoke a fight and how she thought I was going to hit her.  I heard the younger daughter comment that she thought too that I turned in aggression and said she didn't feel comfortable in the situation or something to that effect.  They continued their discussion while I thought it better for me to leave the house for a while to gather my thoughts and let the situation calm down.  I left and called a friend while sitting in my car at 7 Eleven.  She texted me that she could not believe I took a small situation and blew it up like that.  She said she wanted a divorce and for us not to talk to each other when I come home.  I said ok.

She called me about an hour ago saying she was trying to make arrangements for her and the kids to get out of the house.  She said it's not a good idea for us to be around each other and told me it was the last time I messed up the family's peace.  She said the kids all feel the same way and were upset with me for creating this situation.  She tried to keep going with the blame until I cut her off and told her I was at work and not going to engage in that conversation.  She hung up immediately.

My question is, was I in the wrong in this situation?  I am so SICK of her starting arguments with me over trivial things and turning it around on me.  It seems to me that SHE is the one who blew the whole thing up about the scrolling issue, not me.  Then she always gets the girls involved because she has to have an ally.  I'm not sure how the older daughter felt because I didn't stay to hear it.  She seemed cool with me when I returned.  I doubt she bought into what my wife was selling because she knows how things go; she doesn't get along with her either and can't stand being around her.  My son was in his room, probably playing Madden or on the phone so he probably didn't hear much but I'll bet she has been trying to turn him against me on the under.  It's not likely that he will turn against me but he may take her side.  Should I talk to him myself?  Sorry for the long post!
Logged
RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING
This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

dacoming
***
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Posts: 186


« Reply #1 on: September 28, 2015, 11:02:39 AM »

FYI about the calling the police threat, I told her I was not planning to do that.  I just wanted her to stop harassing me and trying to provoke a fight.  She would have kept going and it probably would have gotten worse.
Logged
sassed5791

Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Posts: 3


« Reply #2 on: September 28, 2015, 11:34:29 AM »

HUH! I just posted to another person about a very trivial fight fairly similar.  NO YOU ARE NOT WRONG!  BPD's take one little instance and they turn it into something so grand.  Mine was the air conditioner last night. I have been with my BPD husband for 11 years and finally just had to turn to this site as I no longer have any friends to converse with cause pretty much my husband is a huge downer when I tried to do anythihng at all with anyone at all. He has to be calling constantly if he is not with me.  At least your wife hung up when you told her you were at work.  Mine will drive to my work, comein the office and stand in front ofmy desk fuming about some comment I made before I got off the phone that made him upset. Like "I gotta get going".  That obviously means there is an office full of hot men in my office waiting to feed me grapes and fan me as I enjoy the relaxation of a spa day. My job is never as important than his. I live only to make him happy and make him feel better.  So do not feel like you did anythihn wrong. These BPDs make us feel like it is all our fault they act that way no matter what tone of voice we use, no matter if we do everythinbg exactly the way they want us to cause it always changes.  No matter if I am awake, sleeping, helping the kids, working, what have you, I am there to make sure he is doing ok. If he is not ok, I need to change things to make him ok.  He had a dream a couple days ago that made him hate me for 2 days. I dont know what the dream was as I think its crazy to take it out on me. I didnt do anything wrong. So hang in there. If you decide to stay, know that it is all a game of manipulation.  Your wife can love you to the extent that they know how to love, but it will never be a fulfilling two way kind of love. There are still many nights I sit with tears in my eyes all alone cause he can not differentiate between anger and sadness in someone else... .so I sit and I feel my heart hurt and there is such a blank space in my heart that I am sure I am going to have to take with me when I die. I love my husband greatly and we have a strong unbreakable bond... .when he is "normal" so I am not leaving. But I finally realized it is not getting better. I am more of a counselor, not a wife.  The therapists I have spoken with have said there is nothihng they can really do to help me and have witnessed his fits via phone as I sat there cause he did not believe me when I told him where I was. BPDs can manipulate and change any instance into a big deal AND your fault.  Dont start taking it to heart or you start to believe its your fault your self. I cant even tell you how many times I have had to apologize for something I did not even do just so I could get my blanket back and go back to sleep cause if he cant sleep, neither can I.  I came to this site cause I needed to hear people talk that were not mentally ill for once.  And have someplace to go that I can not get in trouble for going to... .until he finds out Im here  I guess.
Logged
dacoming
***
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Posts: 186


« Reply #3 on: September 28, 2015, 12:05:12 PM »

HUH! I just posted to another person about a very trivial fight fairly similar.  NO YOU ARE NOT WRONG!  BPD's take one little instance and they turn it into something so grand.  Mine was the air conditioner last night. I have been with my BPD husband for 11 years and finally just had to turn to this site as I no longer have any friends to converse with cause pretty much my husband is a huge downer when I tried to do anythihng at all with anyone at all. He has to be calling constantly if he is not with me.  At least your wife hung up when you told her you were at work.  Mine will drive to my work, comein the office and stand in front ofmy desk fuming about some comment I made before I got off the phone that made him upset. Like "I gotta get going".  That obviously means there is an office full of hot men in my office waiting to feed me grapes and fan me as I enjoy the relaxation of a spa day. My job is never as important than his. I live only to make him happy and make him feel better.  So do not feel like you did anythihn wrong. These BPDs make us feel like it is all our fault they act that way no matter what tone of voice we use, no matter if we do everythinbg exactly the way they want us to cause it always changes.  No matter if I am awake, sleeping, helping the kids, working, what have you, I am there to make sure he is doing ok. If he is not ok, I need to change things to make him ok.  He had a dream a couple days ago that made him hate me for 2 days. I dont know what the dream was as I think its crazy to take it out on me. I didnt do anything wrong. So hang in there. If you decide to stay, know that it is all a game of manipulation.  Your wife can love you to the extent that they know how to love, but it will never be a fulfilling two way kind of love. There are still many nights I sit with tears in my eyes all alone cause he can not differentiate between anger and sadness in someone else... .so I sit and I feel my heart hurt and there is such a blank space in my heart that I am sure I am going to have to take with me when I die. I love my husband greatly and we have a strong unbreakable bond... .when he is "normal" so I am not leaving. But I finally realized it is not getting better. I am more of a counselor, not a wife.  The therapists I have spoken with have said there is nothihng they can really do to help me and have witnessed his fits via phone as I sat there cause he did not believe me when I told him where I was. BPDs can manipulate and change any instance into a big deal AND your fault.  Dont start taking it to heart or you start to believe its your fault your self. I cant even tell you how many times I have had to apologize for something I did not even do just so I could get my blanket back and go back to sleep cause if he cant sleep, neither can I.  I came to this site cause I needed to hear people talk that were not mentally ill for once.  And have someplace to go that I can not get in trouble for going to... .until he finds out Im here  I guess.

Thanks, sometimes I need to hear that I'm not crazy because she is driving me to it.  She just sent me a text, again talking about how she was taken back how I blew up over something so small and how I was "aggressively" in HER face trying to provoke her so she could go to jail.  She told me how the kids, including our son, are very disappointed in my actions.  Although he was in his room, she claims he saw and heard what was going on because he was at the top of the stairs.  I know he wasn't at the top of the stairs already; it's like she thinks I'm boo boo the fool!  I already know she talked to him after I left, therefore I'm not going to feel guilty when I talk to him myself.  I usually try not to sway him one way or the other but I'm sick of the lying.  I'm wondering whether I should respond or not to the text.  I'll probably ignore it since it does no good anyway.

Logged
Cloudy Days
*******
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Relationship status: Married
Posts: 1095



« Reply #4 on: September 28, 2015, 02:14:52 PM »

As far as your children go, they may just be taking her side because they are afraid of her. Because obviously if they disagree with her they will be painted black just as you are being painted black now. They most likely know exactly what is going on and that you aren't really the bad guy she is making you out to be. This is not their first rodeo either, they have been raised by this woman.

As for you and being wrong, no you were in no way wrong for anything you did. You may have lost your cool for a moment and said some things that triggered her even more but you are human, and you were being provoked yourself. It's not like you are a robot and will not react to certain extreme circumstances. I have cussed my husband out before and quickly regretted it. They can and will find anything and everything to get irritated by. I suspect she was triggered by seeing the snake, some people really have that much of a reaction to their fear and I can only imagine someone with BPD having that irrational of a fear. So she got triggered and then was more frustrated when no one really understood why she was upset. This is where some damage control could have been done. Validation is a great thing and can stop thing from escalating to the next level of conflict. But you did nothing wrong. I wouldn't put your children against their mother but I would have a talk with them, make sure they know you would never hit their mother and that you care for all of them. Don't apologize for anything you did not do. Never apologize for something you didn't do. You can Validate feelings and sympathize but don't apologize when you did nothing wrong. My husband once went off of me because I made spinach dip wrong. It wasn't even something he asked for I just made it because I wanted to.
Logged

It's not the future you are afraid of, it's repeating the past that makes you anxious.
dacoming
***
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Posts: 186


« Reply #5 on: September 28, 2015, 03:08:35 PM »

As far as your children go, they may just be taking her side because they are afraid of her. Because obviously if they disagree with her they will be painted black just as you are being painted black now. They most likely know exactly what is going on and that you aren't really the bad guy she is making you out to be. This is not their first rodeo either, they have been raised by this woman.

As for you and being wrong, no you were in no way wrong for anything you did. You may have lost your cool for a moment and said some things that triggered her even more but you are human, and you were being provoked yourself. It's not like you are a robot and will not react to certain extreme circumstances. I have cussed my husband out before and quickly regretted it. They can and will find anything and everything to get irritated by. I suspect she was triggered by seeing the snake, some people really have that much of a reaction to their fear and I can only imagine someone with BPD having that irrational of a fear. So she got triggered and then was more frustrated when no one really understood why she was upset. This is where some damage control could have been done. Validation is a great thing and can stop thing from escalating to the next level of conflict. But you did nothing wrong. I wouldn't put your children against their mother but I would have a talk with them, make sure they know you would never hit their mother and that you care for all of them. Don't apologize for anything you did not do. Never apologize for something you didn't do. You can Validate feelings and sympathize but don't apologize when you did nothing wrong. My husband once went off of me because I made spinach dip wrong. It wasn't even something he asked for I just made it because I wanted to.

Thanks, the people on this board are really helpful.  Sometimes I'm so down, I don't know which way is up.  Our older daughter has told me multiple times that they don't believe all of the things their mom say and only comment because she gets mad when they don't.  We've talked at length about some of the things that's going on.  We are like an outlet for each other because if she is not accusing me of something, she's accusing her.  There are times she has called me in tears, frustrated from the things her mom is saying or accusing her of.  She goes as low as to tell her the other daughter is her real daughter and that she will do anything for the other daughter.  One time, the older daughter and the other daughter got into a fight.  The older daughter was getting the best of the other and my wife jumped in to help the other daughter gain the advantage.  But my wife has no idea why the older daughter is distant from her... .go figure.

I do lose my cool from time to time and I get mad at myself when that happens because I really try not to respond.  She just keeps pushing buttons until I give in and then the battle is on.  And I'm always apologizing for something I didn't do but often she will put extra on what actually happened.  I will admit to the portion that I actually did but that makes her mad because she feels I only own up to the innocent part like I'm perfect.  I say all the time I'm not perfect but I'm not who you make me out to be either.  She's on this thing now trying to dig up dirt on my family because she feels like I hide our skeletons from her.  Her family has things in the closet that my family doesn't have, at least to my knowledge.  But when I tell her nobody's been a molester or murderer or something extreme, she gets angry every time.  Why do we even have to have discussions like that?  She doesn't like my family so I try not to discuss them; lately I even call them in the car while on the way home from work.  She feels they don't like her and look down on her because she doesn't work and now our girls (ages 24 and 27) are doing the same thing and still living off of us.  I will admit, they don't like that but they do not comment to me about it.  I think inside she knows it's a lot of pressure on me but tries to invalidate me.
Logged
Cloudy Days
*******
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Relationship status: Married
Posts: 1095



« Reply #6 on: September 28, 2015, 03:40:43 PM »

You just kind of have to take it one day at a time. Try to learn the Validation lessons and how not to invalidate. Even if you do plan on leaving, learning these skills are a valuable tool in dealing with anyone anywhere but they certainly make it easier to deal with someone suffering from BPD. It is madness sometimes what my husband has accused me of, it's nice that you and the oldest daughter can talk to each other because that is really something that you both need. They have been raised by dysfunction it's no wonder they aren't functioning adults yet. I think the picking on your family thing is her wanting to find fault in you and your family because her family is messed up. My husband does the same thing except it's not really a secret as to what was wrong with my family. He just likes to exploit it when he is angry at me. I love my family and accept them for them. I have a wealth of knowledge and know why they did and do the things that they do. I think knowledge is really the best thing in order to deal with this disorder. Read what you can, it can make things a lot more simple for you in how you deal with your wife. It's comes almost automatic for me now some of the responses because I know what to avoid saying more or less. Don't forget you are human and you are allowed to mess up sometimes. Just because you are bad in her eyes at the moment doesn't mean you are bad. It's her opinion and she's entitled to have her opinion. You are also entitled to have your own opinion and not agree with her. When I was in the trenches of codependency I couldn't deal with my husband being mad at me. Now I am more indifferent to it. I know it really doesn't have anything to do with me and more to do with how he feels at the moment.
Logged

It's not the future you are afraid of, it's repeating the past that makes you anxious.
dacoming
***
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Posts: 186


« Reply #7 on: September 28, 2015, 03:56:59 PM »

Cloudy days, I am doing better at not letting her invalidation define me.  It still bothers me and sometimes she really pushes my buttons but I know who I am and God knows also.  I tell her that all the time, particularly when she tries to say God sees all so it doesn't matter what I admit to her or not.  She gets mad and takes it like I don't care what she thinks or feel anymore.  I just can't keep stressing over things I'm not doing.

I love the relationship I have with our daughter.  My wife tries to make her out to be crazy or mental but that's not the case at all.  I get so angry listening to my wife and the other daughter talk about her all the time.  When I'm not around, they talk about me.  Don't get me wrong, I love both my daughters; there are just things going on that are not right.  Recently, the older daughter left home after a big dispute with her mom and sister.  She went to stay with a friend, got a couple jobs and was working hard to succeed despite her mom sending nasty text messages and bringing her down all the time.  I would check up on her from time to time and told her I was proud of her for trying to make a way on her own.  She was so happy to hear that and told me so because it's all negativity with mom.  My wife doesn't even know we are as close as we are because she would likely have a problem with that.  She's back now reluctantly but should be getting her own place soon.
Logged
formflier
Retired Staff
*
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Relationship status: Married
Posts: 19076



WWW
« Reply #8 on: September 29, 2015, 07:28:40 AM »

 

Dacoming,

You are not wrong.  She was wrong to do what she did.

What could you have done "better" in this interaction to limit your exposure to her silliness.

Take a deep breath.  She is going to do this stuff because of her disorder and because "it works" for her (on some level).

Many times best to let the fire burn itself out.

FF
Logged

dacoming
***
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Posts: 186


« Reply #9 on: September 29, 2015, 12:01:43 PM »

FF, I really tried to not feed into it.  I sat there while she ranted in front of the girls for a while.  Then she started questioning and reprimanding me like a child and over talking me when I tried to respond, dismissing everything I said.  I tried to leave it alone but she would not stop.  That's when I lost my cool.  Spoke to each of the kids separately and apologized to them. My son said he heard what I said but also said his mom told him.  He told me I should apologize for saying that.  Our older daughter told me she understood why it happened and hugged me.  She knows how relations with my wife go.  Our younger daughter talked to me at length about the incident.  She felt that I blew the situation up.  She said we all know how her mom gets mad quick about things and there is no getting through to her when she's mad.  She understands I was frustrated but suggested maybe I come to her in the future to buffer things between me and my wife.  She listens to her apparently.  She said that she was on her way in the room to try to tell her mom she felt she was overreacting about the scrolling thing and that I likely was not thinking on that level but the situation exploded before she got there.  She felt uncomfortable with the situation afterwards and thought she was going to have to step in.  She said she thought I was going to do something to her mom also but I never lifted my hand and expressly said I was not going to harm her; I said I would call the police if she hit me. 

Yesterday while at work, my wife checked the phone log of all of my calls, even calling some of the people.  Then she called and sent a few texts accusing me of talking to other women and supposed text messages while I'm supposed to be driving.  She also insinuated I was setting aside money from the bank account.  I clarified each number she brought up and there were no women or any other call that should be a problem.  They were all friends that she claimed I was calling in secret because I didn't come back to talk to her about it.  She pulled out one phone number in particular; it was my friend John who I have recently been talking to because he is going through similar things with his wife.  He was on the fence about leaving and last week decided he couldn't take it anymore.  I don't talk to anyone else about my marital issues and only started talking to him because we can relate about it.  She threw out some gay comments and a bunch of other put downs or as she say "truths about myself that I don't want to face."  She said I make her stomach hurt and wanted me to move my stuff out of the bedroom and sleep upstairs.  However later, after I had gone to sleep around midnight or so, she comes up there and wakes me up talking about how I didn't try to fight for my family and how she gets attention from other guys begging to be with her.  She mentioned one guy in particular and how attractive he is and how she had been turning him down but now she was going to go and have fun since I didn't try to make things right with her.  After a while, she left out but kept texting me saying how her turn is about to come and wanting to have sex bad, etc.  So I asked if I could come down to be with her, not necessarily sex if she didn't want it.  She kept texting back and forth so I went down there, only for her to tell me she is not on that level with me and doesn't see me the same way as she used to.  So I went back upstairs and went to sleep.  Then she came and woke me up about 3:30am to come down and rub her back.  She has no regard for me having to go to work and to me seems to play a lot of games.
Logged
formflier
Retired Staff
*
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Relationship status: Married
Posts: 19076



WWW
« Reply #10 on: September 29, 2015, 12:32:59 PM »

FF, I really tried to not feed into it.  

 

Dude... .I feel for you.  I could have written your post a couple years ago.  I'm going to give you some advice... ."tactical instruction" so to speak.  Please hold off on implementation.  Just think about where you are now and where you want to go with the new tactics.

It is very important that when you start going down the boundaries road that you do not "cave in" and turn around

Last thought:  Read up on validation.  I still struggle with this.  If you go "all boundaries" and little to no validation I don't think you will do as well.

Reading this post brings back memories for me.  It can get better... .it will get better if you are CONSISTENT.

OK... .here we go.

I sat there while she ranted in front of the girls for a while.

It is your decision what your ears listen to.  I try to minimize  the "rants" I listen to.  

Two ideas

1.  "I'll be back in 5 minutes and I will try to have a respectful conversation then"  Leave room.  Come back in 5 with a glass of ice water.  Ask her to share her concerns/feelings.  The moment she gets disrespectful again... .repeat the cycle.  :)O NOT DEBATE with her.

2.  If kids are physically safe I would recommend leaving them.  My gut says removing them with you would escalate things.  

Same advice goes for reprimanding and overtalking.  Immediate end to conversation, YOU enforce the break and then carry on without mentioning the past.

I said I would call the police if she hit me.  

No need to explain, warn or threaten of consequences.  Usually that turns into its own drama.  If a boundary needs to be enforced or police called.  Just do it.

Yesterday while at work, my wife checked the phone log of all of my calls, even calling some of the people.

This was my first boundary I enforced.  Big... BIG extinction burst when she tried to get me back in line.

Basically, I decided that my email and phone communication was private and I would decide what if anything to share with others.  My wife demanded "full access" to monitor me.  

Again... .don't go down this road until you are ready.  But eventually, slam the door on this, lock it, don't discuss it further with her... .EVER.

She will flip out... .realize it is not working... .then she will really flip out.

Debating/justifying who you communicate with gets old and is TOXIC to you and your r/s.

She has no regard for me having to go to work and to me seems to play a lot of games.

Correct, she does not.  She does not respect your sleep because you do not "act" in a way that respects your need for sleep.  In other words, she pesters you and you get up.

This was a big... .BIG... .long fight issue at my house.  Every once in a while it will pop up again but by and large I slayed this monster.

Advice:  Go to bed and stay there.  Invite to come and then go when you need sleep.  Unless house is burning down, stay asleep and in bed.  

Yep... .you guessed it.  She will flip out.  Let her.

Lock door if needed, put on ear muffs, go to hotel.  

DO NOT DEBATE OR ARGUE at night.  Ask yourself if any good has ever come from a late night "discussion".?

OK... .I think I'm done for now.  Read this a couple times.  Ask questions.  Read entries from others.  Once you a ready, let's pick one of these issues and "slay it".

Best to work on one at a time.

You can do this... .Doing the right thing (click to insert in post)

FF
Logged

dacoming
***
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Posts: 186


« Reply #11 on: September 29, 2015, 12:52:01 PM »

Yesterday while at work, my wife checked the phone log of all of my calls, even calling some of the people.

This was my first boundary I enforced.  Big... BIG extinction burst when she tried to get me back in line.

Basically, I decided that my email and phone communication was private and I would decide what if anything to share with others.  My wife demanded "full access" to monitor me.  

Again... .don't go down this road until you are ready.  But eventually, slam the door on this, lock it, don't discuss it further with her... .EVER.

She will flip out... .realize it is not working... .then she will really flip out.

Debating/justifying who you communicate with gets old and is TOXIC to you and your r/s.

She didn't get into my phone; she checked the phone bill.  We have a family plan so I guess they track phone calls and text messages.  Perhaps I should check hers and question her too... .
Logged
formflier
Retired Staff
*
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Relationship status: Married
Posts: 19076



WWW
« Reply #12 on: September 29, 2015, 12:58:14 PM »

  Perhaps I should check hers and question her too... .

Look at this from another perspective.

If you start behaving as she is behaving, does that "add fuel to the fire" or does it make things better?


So, getting a new phone would be a bit inflammatory, but may be needed.

I would suggest trying out google voice or another program like that.  She can keep looking all she likes and you decide which calls to be private about and which to be public about.

FF
Logged

dacoming
***
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Posts: 186


« Reply #13 on: September 29, 2015, 02:41:54 PM »

You are right, it would cause worse problems.  How does Google voice work?
Logged
formflier
Retired Staff
*
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Relationship status: Married
Posts: 19076



WWW
« Reply #14 on: September 29, 2015, 02:51:24 PM »

 

It's a "virtual phone" that follows you where you tell it to.

Your cell phone stays the same number.  But, if you tell GV to call your cell when someone calls your GV, your cell phone will ring.

You can also text with google voice.

It is an app that goes on your phone.  Will not show up on your phone bill.

pretty neat product, I've used it for years.

FF
Logged

dacoming
***
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Posts: 186


« Reply #15 on: September 29, 2015, 04:29:14 PM »

Thanks!  She just called saying that she has moved all of her stuff out of the house into storage.  She will tell my son to call me and asked if I wanted to see the grand baby before they leave.  She is looking for me to beg her to stay; she does this all of the time.  I doubt she packed everything that quick.  Also, I don't see any transaction from the account that indicates any money was taken out for this.  It's always games games and more games!

At this point, I'm not sure what to say to let her know I want them to stay.  I've apologized and promised not to blow up over and over but it always happens again because she pushes my buttons until I say something.  Any ideas on what to say?  She wants me to handle things the way I did in the beginning, not say anything while she verbally attacks me however she wants.  And then I kiss her butt and beg her forgiveness.  She has said as much.  She feels that's letting her be a woman.  She thought I was special because I let her be her.  Does that make her feel good or something?  She sees the things she says as "constructive criticism" meant to build me up as a man.  But she's tearing me apart.

Honestly, I'm not sure I even want the marriage anymore.  I want the family to stay together and I know us breaking up will affect my son immensely.  Now we also have a grand daughter living with us and I'm very attached to her as well.  She is very attached to me too.  Our daughters are grown so less of a concern there although I would miss them too. I wouldn't be surprised if the older daughter stays here.  It's one thing for us to break up and she stays in the same city or close by.  That would be cool.  But if she leaves, she's planning to leave the state.  We promised my son before we came here that this would be the last time he would have to switch schools.  I'm retired military and retired when I did so he could be somewhat stable for his remaining high school years.  He's in the 11th grade now and it makes no sense to uproot him now.  He has a bit of social anxiety going on so change is huge for him. 
Logged
formflier
Retired Staff
*
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Relationship status: Married
Posts: 19076



WWW
« Reply #16 on: September 29, 2015, 04:50:48 PM »

 

Slow things down... .

She wants to talk, fine... .but you are not able to have a serious conversation about that until tomorrow.

Make it your issue (to delay talk) not hers.

Make it her decision, not yours.

Definitely do NOT BEG.

I see a cycle that you can break.  She pushes buttons until you blow up.

My answer... .move your button away so she can't push it.

There is another theory that says toughen up so she can push and you don't blow up.  That also breaks the cycle.  However, you have to listen to whatever blather she is spewing, which is not good for you.

Hang in there... .

FF
Logged

OffRoad
****
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Posts: 291


« Reply #17 on: September 29, 2015, 10:17:13 PM »

I have a suggestion that you might be able to apply in the future. When she went ballistic because you scrolled the wrong way, you hand her back her phone and say "If you want better, you will have to scroll off the snake yourself in the future." Then excuse yourself to go to the bathroom or shower. I recently found if I just throw the ball back at my H, he has to catch it or scramble around looking for where it went. What can your wife say? You are incompetent? "Sometimes I am." All I asked you to do was scroll DOWN! "If you want better, you will have to scroll off the snake yourself in the future." Repeat ad nauseum. You do NOT have to listen to her whine and moan and yell.

I have also found recently that the words "I get to have my feelings." and the responses "I respectfully disagree." "That's nice." and "I see." work just fine. None of this is personal, as you can see by her attacking your D's, too. Pay no attention when she says S (or anyone else) saw you and thinks "blah, blah." She thinks blah, blah and is projecting it onto the kids.

Guess what? You GET to blow up. Normal people do that occasionally. And it's OK.
Logged
Can You Help Us Stay on the Air in 2024?

Pages: [1]   Go Up
  Print  
 
Jump to:  

Our 2023 Financial Sponsors
We are all appreciative of the members who provide the funding to keep BPDFamily on the air.
12years
alterK
AskingWhy
At Bay
Cat Familiar
CoherentMoose
drained1996
EZEarache
Flora and Fauna
ForeverDad
Gemsforeyes
Goldcrest
Harri
healthfreedom4s
hope2727
khibomsis
Lemon Squeezy
Memorial Donation (4)
Methos
Methuen
Mommydoc
Mutt
P.F.Change
Penumbra66
Red22
Rev
SamwizeGamgee
Skip
Swimmy55
Tartan Pants
Turkish
whirlpoollife



Powered by MySQL Powered by PHP Powered by SMF 1.1.21 | SMF © 2006-2020, Simple Machines Valid XHTML 1.0! Valid CSS!