I can't tell up from down, and I think of suicide frequently

[Brano]

Hi, this is only my second post. I'm very much in love with my wife & intent on staying, but the unpredictable mood swings & sudden seeming withholding of love, as well as the negation of principles I hold to be essential, have me in despair. I don't believe I'll act on them at all, but in all my life, though I've struggled with depression considerably, I've never had such constant thoughts of death as an escape from pain. Can anyone relate? I see an excellent therapist, she sees one too, but I feel like I'm going crazy. Thanks for letting me get this out there. I'm very afraid.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[dacoming]

Hang in there man.  Please continue to see your therapist.  Dealing with this type of stuff is familiar to all of us and it is very hard.  You have demonstrated a great amount of strength to deal with your wife's issues while battling depression.  You are an inspiration!

[last resort]

Hi Brano

i totally HEAR what you are saying! I dont think its to do with choosing to not live anymore, i think its more about the thought that things will never get any better maybe?

I am quite new to this site as well, and i also have feelings of love for my partner as well (although i would say that my lack of respect for him now because of his endless bad behaviour means i am no longer 'in love' with him). I think that the situations we are in can lead us to feel quite powerless, and that in some ways we have to either 'put up - and shut up' or just resign ourselves to 'our lot'? - but actually i have started to think it is all about you taking back your power and looking at what you can do, rather than what you are unable to do... .

I would never advocate leaving a partner, and totally understand the power of the love you have for yours, but i think its important to bear in mind that YOU have a right to a happy and fullfilling life as well! We only get the one life and we should not be put in a position where we feel we have to sacrifice it for the happiness of another! I think this site is amazing as it gives you the chance to read what others are going through, lets you know you arent the only one, and gives you not only tools and lessons that can help you to see your situation from a different perspective - but also allows you to get things off your chest and gives you some hope!

For me personally i am having to assess (as i've unfortunately reached middle age now... .) whether or not i want to continue battling away (even if i feel more informed now). At the end of the day we always have choices, even if we think we don't. You are NOT alone, we all feel what you feel - including that desperation where you feel its hopeless. The desperation, isolation and depression are all connected with the aftermath of living with someone with this disorder and i think that as you listen to the lessons and resources that are on here you will feel better as you start to see it is normal to feel how you feel, and that it is possible to start to see it from a different angle (in that what you are dealing with is emotionally equivalent to a child that never grows up) and then you can make a choice about whether or not you feel you want to stay and deal with it in a different manner maybe, or break free and have a different life - but at the end of the day don't let  your life be taken away by the actions of another... .NO ONE has the right to do that to you!

I am sending you lots of positive vibes, and hope you feel a little less alone now? We're all in this together, and the support from here is amazing! Hang on in there buddy!  

[Ceruleanblue]

I've been there. I felt suicidal for nearly a year, because BPDh was horribly abusive, and I'd especially chosen him because I thought he'd never be that way. I got out of a verbally abusive marriage, he'd gotten out of a physically abusive marriage, and he definitely hid his true disposition(anger) from me. I felt I knew what to look for, but got duped anyway! This led me down a dark, painful path where I felt such despair.

Like you, I got in therapy, and basically gave myself a boot in the butt, and I started feeling better. Plus, I just stopped letting him blame so much on me. It took some time, but I'm in a much better place now. Just know that a lot of us dealing with pwBPD, and the daily abuse, have felt as you do.

Seek help if you are truly afraid you might act on it.

[HappyNihilist]

Welcome to the family, Brano - I'm glad you found us. It helps so much to talk.

You've been dealing with a lot. I'm so sorry you've been struggling with depression and thoughts of death.   I've been there, I can definitely relate. It is a scary, painful place to be.

What always helped me was reaching out to someone - my therapist, friends, family, these boards, a local crisis hotline. Suicide/crisis hotlines are great resources - available 24/7 and completely anonymous.

Have you talked to your therapist about your depression and suicidal thoughts?

You've found a safe place to talk and express yourself here. We're all family, and we're here for you.