How to steer him towards medication and DBT

[tm006f]

Hi,

I am new to the group and in need of support.

I have been married twelve years and only just recently figured out that my husband is probably Borderline.  This was suggested to me by my therapist.

My husband displays many of the symptoms of a BPD.  He hits himself when he gets angry.  He threatens to kill himself.  He catastrophizes everything.  He makes every situation about himself.  For example, recently my sister had a baby and instead of being able to be excited about the baby, I had to make him feel better because my sisters didn't include him on all of the phone messages they sent me with baby photos, so he said they don't care about him. I am constantly walking on eggshells around him, because it seems that no matter what I do it's wrong.  One day he'll tell me I should be doing something a certain way and then the next day he'll tell me something else.  Every day I have to see what kind of mood he is in and try to plan everything around his mood.

Recently we had a baby and this has made everything even more difficult.  I had a tough time transitioning to motherhood and now I feel like I'm taking care of two babies instead of just one.  

On one occasion a few months ago, my husband got angry at me and pulled my hair while I was holding the baby and then on another occasion he kicked me while he was holding the baby.  I told this to his therapist and she reported him to CPS.  Now we are dealing with a CPS report.  Finally, CPS decided basically not to do anything except recommend that we get couples' therapy, which we have already gotten several times over the course of our relationship and it has not helped at all.

A few weeks ago we also moved and it was a total nightmare.  My husband was awful to me the entire time.  We decided to move everything ourselves (huge mistake) and he was so stressed out, he kept screaming at me that I wasn't going fast enough and calling me names (child, idiot, stupid).  It was a nightmare. Finally on the last night when we were just moving a few things he got mad and said, "do you want me to punch you in your face?" and when I finally stood up for myself and said that was not okay, he flipped.  I ended up seeking refuge at our neighbor's apartment with the baby while he had a meltdown (hitting himself, telling me the relationship was over).  He ended up walking to our new place (about two miles) but wouldn't tell me where he was.  I finally went to our new home with the baby because it was way past our bedtime and my husband wouldn't tell me where he was.  He was sitting on the patio because he didn't have a key.  He said there were evil spirits in our new place and that he saw a hand on the window while he was waiting.  (He is Mexican, so this is cultural.)  I had to arrange for a priest to come bless the new home so he could feel more comfortable.  

My husband is not on medication and he is only in talk therapy.  I think he needs to be on medication and go to dialectical behavioral therapy, but I have no idea how to make this happen.  Every time I suggest something, he throws it in my face.  He is constantly yelling at me that I should be happy because I have "everything I wanted" because we have a baby and a house now (as if he didn't want these things and I only forced him).  He says this despite the fact that he is constantly dumping on me for not being a "real wife", because I don't dress the way that he wants and he says I am fat (I am not even overweight and hello, I just had a baby), and I don't cook the things that he wants.  I just wonder why he doesn't leave.  I feel like that would be better if he thinks I am so lame.

My husband hates medication.  He did take antidepressants about a decade ago, which I think helped, but he didn't think helped, so I really don't know how it would even be possible to bring this up again.

I would really like to just leave him, but I feel bad because now we have a baby and I don't want to "punish" him by making it so he can't see the baby every day.  I also feel like he is severely mentally ill and so I feel bad about leaving someone who is "sick".  Our families are far away, and so if I did leave him, he would have no family nearby (he is from Mexico).

Please, someone, tell me there is hope.

I feel so awful every day.  I am constantly anxious because I don't know what he is going to come up with today to be pissed about.  I am really trying to hold it together and be a good wife and mom, but it is so hard, because I am sad and anxious and hopeless all of the time.

Mainly I would appreciate ideas on how to steer him towards medication and DBT.  I tried to discuss this with his therapist.  I got my husband's permission to speak to her, but she said she has a policy that she will not discuss a patient's treatment or diagnosis unless the patient is present.  I know if I tell my husband to his face (and I'm the first one to suggest) that he has BPD and needs medication, he is going to have a meltdown and throw it in my face for the rest of my life.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[babyducks]

Hi tm006f,

I am glad you found us.   You have come to a place where there is a great deal of support and encouragement.   We understand what you are going through because we have been there ourselves.

What you describe is very hard to live with.   It's very confusing to always be in the middle of an emotional whirlwind.  When I first got here I was very nearly broken and exhausted.   What I learned here, the tools and skills helped me a great deal.   

It's natural to want to help by introducing the topics of medication and DBT.   It's also fraught with difficulties because you are emotionally and intimately involved.  I am going to include a link for you to take a look at.

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=76633.0

I am also going to point you towards the Lessons that run down the right hand side of the screen.   That's the place to dig in and start.   

It's a great step that you are working with a therapist.   And it's good that your husband has a therapist of his own.   What has been suggested frequently is that as after you become aware of the diagnosis that you take some time to educate yourself.   Learn the tools for communication, establish boundaries against abusive behavior and practice validation.   That way when you make a decision to you can do so from a position of strength and knowledge.   

I can tell you there is hope.   I arrived here beaten down and near the end of my rope.  I have gotten better, and my relationship has gotten better.   It is no longer filled with out of control rages and I don't walk on eggshells.   It took me some time to get to that point, and effort by both of us to improve our relationship.



'ducks

[formflier]

 

tm006f,

I want to join baby ducks in welcoming you.



 

I was also in big distress when I got here.  I found support here and I found solutions.

Once I realized that I could make changes, without my wife's permission, that would make the r/s (our way of saying relationship "on the boards" I felt empowered and hopeful for the future.

Looking forward to your next post, getting to know you more... .and helping you become more hopeful for the future.

How does that sound?

FF