I married her. Within a year, at a anniversery B&B my parents got us, she went silent. It was nothing I had ever experienced. She was mad and sulky and gave me the silent treatment for weeks... .
It happened again within a year. Then again. Then a couple more times... .
People with BPD (pwBPD) are known to
overreact to triggers or what they
feel are traumas. Clearly one of her triggers is something with travel. Other common triggers are weddings, funerals, births, birthdays, holidays, packing for moving/vacations, etc.
When they're in that Zone you can't reason with them, they're not listening or refusing to listen.
BPD is an emotion-driven disorder where the closer the relationship, the more intense and more evident the disorder. Part of that might be the person feels you're locked into the relationship now and so they can act out in private (or within the family) scenarios and you're relatively powerless as Fix-It Spouse do do anything about it. Part too is that they can't/won't see past the huge amount of emotional baggage of the close relationship and therefore you get obstruction rather than cooperation.
She slowly got angrier and angrier. She told my family it was because I didn't clean the house, which she hadn't seen in 5 weeks. Then said I mis-managed the money.
BPD has often been called the Blaming Disorder. Also, Blame Shifting, nothing too horrendous or shocking or illogical to allege.
First 1/3 of our marriage, I was beside myself that I had done something wrong. I apologized profusely. I grovelled so-to-speak.
The middle third, I tried to find help... marriage therapist. Books for her and me. anti-depresants. Dr. Phil's marriage workbook/CD set. You name it. She was a classy lady. Mother of my son. Worth saving.
The last third of the marriage I was just pissed.
When a partner is determined not to work with you consistently, nothing works, at least not for long. She is what she is, she does or doesn't do whatever she does or doesn't do. Once you can wrap your head around that level of twisted illogic, even obstinacy,
the only alternative is to determine what you will do to change yourself, your tactics, your strategy.
Look at our Book Reviews and Article Reviews boards, we have a number of resources there:
- Splitting: Protecting Yourself While Divorcing Someone with Borderline or Narcissistic Personality Disorder - William A. Eddy & Randi Kreger (a must-have handbook!)
- Stop Walking on Eggshells - Randi Kreger (she has a newer book now)
- Richard Warshak's Divorce Poison (how to help children handle the divorce and alienation attempts)
- Dr Craig Childress (advocating a better way to address parental alienation with the mental health community)
- DrJoeCarver.com (various articles about Users, Losers and Abusers - note that this clinical psychologist writes to the reader, sticks to the behaviors and does not use diagnostic labels)
According to her... .
When the ex is acting out, ALL statements, claims and allegations - maybe with a little piece of fact - are distorted and exaggerated and we need an emotional shield to protect ourselves from the impacts and related problems.
Gawd just typing this I'm wondering WTH I stayed.
It's okay, you see the light now. Back then you were still trying, you were still hunkered down. That was then, this is now. With education and information you can make for informed and more confident decisions.
Just a note, one time during a marriage therapist session, the therapist sent me away and said she only wanted to deal with my ex.
That's okay, it shifted from joint counseling to individual counseling. At least you learned you weren't the one with the biggest problems.
Needless to say, every time she went away, I took care of the kids.
This is
very important to document to the court. Depending on how oppositional she is - and whether she has contemplated or threatened making abuse allegations - she will try to block your parenting viciously. The Fact that you parented the children while she was away proves that she didn't see you as a risk to the children then. (Of course once a divorce is filed, all of a sudden you are at real risk of being cast as Mr Evil Personified... . ) Sadly, in many courts Mothers get default preference when it comes to divorce, money and custody. That makes it doubly important for a Father to be very assertive to counteract the lies and posturing.
Anyway, divorce has been dragging on 3+years. She can't accept she may actually have to split equity in the house. Retirements. et al. I get 'no real man' would accept this or that. No 'real man' would want that. We live in CA and it's all 50/50 so she is fighting uphill battle. The problem is she makes enough to keep a lawyer on the pay roll. I see my son's college money disappearing. There is no 'winning'... and by winning I mean avoiding costly court battle.
Most divorces described here are a year at a minimum, normally about two years (mine was 23.5 months) and some much longer like yours. You have to accept that you can't deal with someone who refuses to negotiate and who always demands more. You can't. Once you accept that, then you can see that you have to muddle through all the court's required steps as quickly as you can until you can get before the Real Authority - court.
Most divorces, including many of ours, end with a settlement. It's just that our divorces take a lot longer until we can get the ex's entitlement reigned in a little at court. So the key is to get to Court with as little delay as possible. Yes, court may require mediation and settlement conferences, we will of course work with that but the difference is that we don't dawdle in those stages because the odds are so low to get realistic offers.
Odds are, the judge's decision, as much as they rattle their paper sabers and threaten that any court decision will make both parties unhappy,
is probably going to be better than anything you can squeeze from the obstructive spouse.
For example, My ex started out with favorable temp orders (custody and majority time) in our separation and divorce, so she had no incentive to negotiate. Actually, it was so good she delayed as much as she could, besides doing it to spite me. So 2 years later when I arrived at the court house for Trial Day, I was met with the news that at least she was ready to settle. (Months later I found out that her lawyer had told her she would lose at the trial.) well, I was prepared for Trial and so I stated my minimum for settlement. It was that I be the
Residential Parent for School Purposes. She begged, even cried. I was unmoved, that was my boundary. I figured that I couldn't let her have the edge over me and our son's school (turned out she moved out of the county the next year) and I was willing to take the risk that it would go in my favor in the trial. She finally relented and I became RP in the last minute settlement.
So you need to decide what your boundaries are and whether you can sustain them in the divorce process. As I wrote above, Odds are, the judge's decision is probably going to be better than anything you can squeeze from the obstructive spouse.
I think she is a narcissist. She HAS to win. She HAS to control. She uses the kids.
She has to control or else
feel controlled. She has to win or else
feel the loser.
Court won't care whether she has a diagnostic label or not. Court won't try to change either one of you, it generally deals with you both as you are. Court goes by the behaviors and behavior patterns. Mostly the counselors and evaluators do too. You would do well to focus on the behaviors and patterns with them. Yes, they do have some PD (
or co-morbid with traits of multiple PDs) but it's not the blazing insight that we wish it would be for court.
Also, court pays more attention to
parenting behaviors than
adult behaviors. (For example, her ranting/raging/hitting you won't do much for custody, but documenting her ranting/raging/hitting
at the children will.) Yes, document it all, but give priority to how the children are impacted. The good with you, the bad with ex.
