Another project/home Business is distracting my BPDw

[LivingWBPDWife]

As you all know your BPD partners will start and stop businesses, projects, countless times. Of course, from the time these things start until they end, they can consume resources, wreak havoc in your households, and since BPDs are NOT multitaskers they usually drop everything else while they are in the honeymoon period of the project and they forget to take care of the kids, make dinner, feed themselves, clean, basically all the usual stuff that we have to fight tooth and nail for, now they have a "reason" in their mind they don't need to do it.

So, there it is -- but this time my wife has been manipulated into yet another MLM from an old high school friend that just happens to surface not to say congrats on my wife's engagement, or marriage, or baby, BUT to introduce her to this "incredible offer" -- as usual, my BPDw swallows hook line and sinker and now, she is absolutely addicted to the cell phone and texting and trying to get everyone and their mother -- 2 months later, she is ignoring the baby, hasn't cooked for herself or for me, doesn't clean up after herself, anything that takes time away from her "running down leads" is now totally unimportant --

However, due to the constant stress, arguing, of our day to day and me trying to validate, and get her to do "her" job as a mother, so I can do "my" job as a provider, I start work in the middle of the night instead of when I should.

Anyway, like all BPD projects this will pass, but I am afraid by the time she gets bored with it, or it invalidates her, we will be broke, since I am spending all my time trying to keep the house together and doing her jobs.

So, my question is -- for those of you that have successfully got your BPD to STOP doing a business, or project that is self destructive, how did you do it? I know I can wait her out, but this isn't something like that, I haven't seen her this addicted and obsessed in a long time. From 8am until 1-2am, she is texting non-stop and talking to this MLM team leader which has a broken home, marriage, and could care less that she is using my wife.

But, other than forbid her to do this, and we know ultimatums don't work, I am at a loss for how to accelerate the demise of this, so my BPDw can get back to being a mom to our baby, so I can work in peace. Today the baby crawled into the kitchen thru the barrier, and almost hurt herself, by the time my wife looked up from her cell and texting --

Very frustrated --

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[JohnLove]

Hi LivingWBPDWife, I have suggested to my partner with BPD that maybe she should look at starting her own business with the requirements of being a Mother to 3 young children and some worrisome prior employment.

Thanks for reminding me that was probably a bad idea. 

[Skip]

I am afraid by the time she gets bored with it, or it invalidates her, we will be broke, since I am spending all my time trying to keep the house together and doing her jobs.

She wasn't earning income before this, how will this project cause your family financial ruin?

[babyducks]

Hi Living

Communication tools take practice.    To be effective they also require empathy.   I think you are completely right an ultimatum is not a good choice.    Manipulating the situation could be produce immediate short term results but would likely continue the reoccurring pattern you describe.


Maybe some of this would help.

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=69272.0

[LivingWBPDWife]

@Skip,

The scientific work I do requires a lot of mental concentration; advanced engineering and math. So, 12-14 hours a day of the "zone". But, if I have to run around and do my wife's jobs, clean up after her, feed the baby, feed her, and so forth -- the constant distraction makes it impossible to work. That along with the usual "living with a BPD" makes it hard to sit down and write 1,000 lines of DSP processing code, design a robot, or whatever the task is -- and with brutal deadlines from clients and competitors, "that's" what makes for financial ruin. I own/run my own company, I don't do something, all hell breaks loose -- its hard enough being a 21st tech entrepreneur, but a BPD wife adding to that each day, plus a new baby that the BPDw is now "bored" of, really makes for a stress soup. And STRESS kills creativity, and that's my job -- coming up with algorithms, math, etc.

So, its not a functioning model for my BPDw to spend hours a day to make 1/100th my income.  Her time is best spent being "mom" - that's more than enough for a BPD since they are not multitaskers --

And coincidentally she just asked to borrow MORE money for this MLM, of course I told her no.

@JohnLove -- Good luck with that -- you will have to let me know how that works out. Any PRESSURE, anything that invalidates her, she will start going ballistic and take it out on you, as if you are the reason why she is failing... .

[Notwendy]

Does your wife want to take care of the house and the baby?

I ask, because it is clear that you want her to, but I am not sure what she wants.

[LivingWBPDWife]

@NotWendy,

My BPDw "wants" to do a lot of things. The thought of something validates her, but the action of it invalidates her. So, she wants to take care of the house, cook, clean, etc. But, then that would mean WORK -- and work means the potential for NOT fun, and failure. So, yes, and no to answer your question.

If something is NOT fun, she doesn't want to do it, UNLESS the fear of judgement and invalidation is stronger -- thus, for example when her mom visits, she either turns her mom into a personal slave, OR my BPDw actually acts like a grownup, and I hear her mom telling her do this, do that, you should this and that, and my BPDw complies.

But, if I ask her to do a small task, its met with anger. So, I work all the time, and cook, and clean, and basically do everything. Most men are not even home, they are at work 10-12 hours a day, but I work from home, so during the day I give her countless breaks, help, etc.

The moment she dysregulates she wants to do nothing, and that happens every 30-60 mins.

[GaGrl]

Are you looking for short-term, practical solutions? If so,

1) Hire a nanny who will do light housekeeping during the day so your wife can focus on her new business.

2) Lease off-site office space and make yourself unavailable for childcare and housekeeping during work hours.

3) Both 1 and 2 above.

[Notwendy]

thus, for example when her mom visits, she either turns her mom into a personal slave, OR my BPDw actually acts like a grownup, and I hear her mom telling her do this, do that, you should this and that, and my BPDw complies.

This is an interesting observation. For one, a mother acting like an adult child's personal slave isn't a typical relationship, unless her mom just can't stand the mess and cleans it up, or is trying to be helpful to her with a baby.

The other is that having her mother order her around and her complying is not an adult relationship but a parent- child one.

In some families the parents are either dysfunctional or have adapted to the child's level of functioning over the years.

What your wife and her mother may be doing is swinging between the two extremes of enmeshment. Your wife choosing either compliance or absolute refusal. Middle ground is more about responsibility, choices, and negotiation.

Which leads me to your dilemma. From your posts, it seems to me that you have lost respect for your wife. At this point, it seems she really can not do anything productive for very long. I also see where you feel resentful and burned out.

So, I will give you my perspective for what it is worth, and although you have many reasons to not like your wife's not doing things in the house, resent it, wish she was different,  from my experience with a mother with BPD, I would say that this is unlikely to change in the near future no matter what you do. You can approach this with anger, resentment, logic, and anything else, but you can not make your wife do any of the things you wish she would do, because it is possible that she can't do it.

From your posts, I can not tell what is going on with her. I don't know if she is depressed, and possibly in need of medication that she can't get because of making breast milk- which is also affects a woman's hormones - and that may not be a good situation for her. Although I think you care about her, it seems from your posts that she is mainly a failure to you.  If this is how she is feeling, is it any wonder she is vulnerable to any source of validation such as that MLM plan? Is there anything she can do that would result in getting any sense of accomplishment or validation from you?

For a long time, I resented my mother in the same way you resent your wife. She did no housework, child care, or any of the things you expect your wife to do. My dad was likely angry, we kids were angry. We had no respect for her, in fact, at times, we hated her. It was not until I was able to grasp the effect of her mental illness that I was able to reframe these feelings and also recognize the damage to her of living with a family who at times saw her as useless and incapable.

Since doing that, I have been able to change my attitude towards her and allow he the space to be who she is. IMHO she has acted in a more mature way in the past few years since I backed off expecting her to be what I thought she should be. Without feeling resentful, I am able to hear her perspective more and understand how my behavior and attitude towards her was invalidating. She still has BPD, but I can see the improvements in our relationship.

If your wife was, (heaven forbid) physically ill, would you expect her to clean the house and take care of the baby, or would you accept that she was not able to do it and hire someone? Because it is possible that the reason she isn't doing this now is not that she won't but that she can't.

Fortunately we have access to far better understanding of BPD and mental health issues today than my parents had, and the knowledge that even if things are difficult now, they may not be in the future. I can't predict the future for anyone, but I can say that in my experience, not accepting a person for where they are, and relating to them with  anger and resentment, isn't going to make a positive difference. I know this is difficult, but choosing to hire help with the house and baby, and seek medical treatment, and therapy may may lead to some resolution for your immediate problem ( being able to work and not worry about the baby) as well as improve the emotional health of your wife.