First post -- BPD wife with TBI

[flourdust]

Hello, everyone! I have been lurking on the board for about a month now as I try to educate myself about BPD and absorb all the lessons I can. I wasn't sure what to write for a first post -- it's tempting to let the floodgates open and put up a giant wall of text, but that's probably not effective. So I'm going to try (TRY!) to keep this brief.

My wife and I have been together about 14 years, married for 12 of them. We have a 10 year old daughter. My wife has a history of significant mental illness, which I knew when I met her, but I downplayed because she seemed so self-aware and positive about herself. Although BPD was not one of her diagnoses, from what I've pieced together about her life, she has probably had that condition since childhood, owing to a mix of genetics and abuse. I met her during a relatively controlled part of her cycle, and though she was always prone to emotional conflicts, it didn't begin to take over our lives until we had a Series of Unfortunate Events: job losses, financial losses, interstate moves, and our daughter beginning to demonstrate her own emotional dysregulation problems.

About three years ago, my wife suffered a traumatic brain injury. She was hospitalized and in rehab for a few months. She continued to recover and has regained most of her capabilities, but she has ongoing symptoms, such as pain, vertigo, and a tendency to be cognitively overwhelmed by too much stimulation or mild aphasia. And, of course, the classic TBI symptom of an explosive temper, which pairs beautifully with BPD.

I made excuses for her behavior for years. BPD wasn't really on my radar. Earlier this year, her therapist encouraged her to enroll in a group DBT program, and that's when I learned about BPD. The description fit her almost perfectly, and I began to educate myself and to try to adopt some of the strategies recommended for partners (validation, boundaries).

I'm posting this in the Staying board -- not because I'm committed to stay, but because for now I'm still learning about BPD and exploring these strategies to see if they can make life more tolerable. Being part of this board will help me figure that out, I hope.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[babyducks]

Hi floordust,



Wow, a TBI and BPD.   That's quite the combination.   I'm glad you decided to de-lurk and join us.   Since you've been reading for a while I'm sure you have found The Lessons that run down the right hand side of the screen.  There is some very good stuff there.   I use them often.

The Staying board is the place to be to work on actively learning communication skills and making ourselves healthy.   This is where we learn to allow the person with BPD their own feelings and lives and we allow the same for us.   It takes some effort but I can say, that for myself I have learned a great deal by coming here that has helped me, both in and out of my relationship.

So welcome!   Nice to have you with us.

'ducks

[flourdust]

Thank you, 'ducks!

Yes, the TBI presents its own challenges. When it comes to her personality, I think the physician at the rehab clinic put it best -- it took her original personality and dialed it up to 11.

For a long while, I thought the TBI was the primary reason for the rages, the circular arguments, etc. But TBI sufferers have explosive rages that are like summer storms -- they explode, they calm down, they are remorseful. My wife's pattern is to explode, dysregulate for hours, and stay angry (and feeling justified/victimized) for days.