Does he want me back or are these actions impulse driven?

[Greeceheidired]

My undiagnosed husband and I have been separated for 7 months, he filed and said I forced him to do so.  I did ask for a separation because he was binge drinking and we have kids.  We haven't talked about reconciliation or the issues that prompted this but he vacillates between telling me he loves me and calling me a stalker (over generalization). I don't respond with love your back and I'm afraid to talk to him about reconciling.

What does it mean when he tells me he loves me and misses me but doesn't attempt to get together?  I see him at our daughters events sometimes and he tries to hold my hand or hugged me once but it's always when out daughter is around which makes it impossible to talk.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Skip]

You would like this to resolve and he is giving you "breadcrumbs" at this point?

[Greeceheidired]

You would like this to resolve and he is giving you "breadcrumbs" at this point?

Thank you for responding,

I don't think he knows how I feel about reconciliation.  I don't know myself.  I haven't encouraged him.  The last thing he did was after church I tried to leave without interaction with him and he made a point to call me and approach with our daughter and  whispered that he loved me. When our daughter walked away I told him that I wasn't comfortable with the mixed messages In front of our daughter - confusing for her. I asked if he remembered a few days ago when he called me a stalker when I picked daughter up at his apartment.  He said that's how I felt. I feel like when he sees me he reacts strongly one way or the other, usually in a positive but odd way.  Prior to filing for divorce he said "pull me back" and sobbed like Id never seen before.  I was I'm my world of pain and kept pushing for truth and accountability. 

Does this even sound like BPD to you?

[Skip]

Have you tried counseling?

It might make sense to put this into a therapeutic separation with professional (mental health) oversite.

It sounds like you are both very frustrated.  It's doesn't sound like you are completely through with each other.

A good therapists could help you both sort if this is a fixer and help you do it.

Does anything like that interest you?

[Michelle27]

What you describe was what my 3 month therapeutic separation was like.  I initiated it after a major boundary was crossed and I needed space to heal and to feel safe while he headed into therapy including DBT. He insisted on "date nights" every week or two and I would have been happy with just coffee meetings to talk.  Towards the end of the 3 months, just before I decided I couldn't do it anymore and needed to end things permanently, there was very inappropriate sexual comments and even an attempt to take my panties off when I was wearing a dress.  That was part of what made me end things for good.  It was confusing to both of us I realize now as he wanted to hold my hand, tell me he loved me and insist he loved me and wanted things to work.  All it did for me was make me feel even more needing of space.

During the 3 months, I continued with my own therapy too, working on my codependency issues.  That also contributed to me ending it. 

[Greeceheidired]

Thank you, that is helpful.  Last night I decided to ask him to get together talk which we haven't done really since being separated for 8 months.  I want to ask him if him why he tells me these things love you, I miss you but no move  toward working things out or counseling or apologizing for inappropriate hurtful behaviors.  He said ok but kept saying I don't want to argue, I just don't want to argue. When he asked me when I said Friday?  Because our daughter has plans so good opportunity and he said he had plans with 2 buddies and mentioned their names.  I'm afraid he is still blaming me.

[Lucky Jim]

Hey Greece, To me the question is not whether he wants you back, but whether you want him back.  Well, do you want him back?  Try to focus on your own feelings and needs, not his.  What are your gut feelings?  Try to find the right path for yourself.

LuckyJim

[Greeceheidired]

Together 15 years with 12 year old daughter who adores her father. Important for me to have a more confident grasp on what disorder Im dealing with and I still don't know.  My mind tells me one thing but, when a therapist, although around 70 years old and probably not well trained in pds administers the rorscharch test and had a few sessions with him says no pathology, no narsissm,  I question myself and resist believing myself.  I also wonder if there was some mid life crisis and I want someone to be just as invested as I am in a process to heal the marriage. I think I'm still having a hard time accepting the fact that he is not coming back telling me how sorry he is, and knows how horrible he was.  That's what I want. 

[Lucky Jim]

I want someone to be just as invested as I am in a process to heal the marriage.

Hello again, Greece, I think that's a good place to start and certainly do-able with the right person.  Whether your H is capable of this is uncertain to me.  I wouldn't worry too much about the diagnosis, or lack of one, by the elderly T.  What matters most, in my view, is your H's behavior, regardless of the label.  You know far more about your H's behavior than the T, and it seems like you know in your gut that something is wrong.

LuckyJim

[Greeceheidired]

Yes, your right, with all the conflicting info I need to realize no one will fit perfectly in one category.  I think about things like the ability for npd to sexually abuse their children and my 12 year old daughter. I don't think that is possible, but I never thought a lot of things were possible.  There were so many things on the test that pointed to a disorder, I mean who can have a relationship with someone who lacks identity, is easily unbalanced on a daily basis, deals with conflict on a superficial level and can develop but not maintain a relationship to name only a few!  I feel anger toward that therapist, she needs to retire!

[Agent_of_Chaos]

You would like this to resolve and he is giving you "breadcrumbs" at this point?

If only physical breadcrumbs suppressed my appetite like emotional breadcrumbs eased my psyche... .I would be the fittest miss america you ever did see.

It's amazing how these "breadcrumbs" play such an integral role in these relationships.  If my ex gave me a breadcrumb it completely replenished my bubble of hope.

[Greeceheidired]

Hi agent of chaos, so do you think I may be misinterpreting the bread crumb?

[Skip]

I want to ask him if him why he tells me these things love you, I miss you but no move  toward working things out or counseling or apologizing for inappropriate hurtful behaviors.  He said ok but kept saying I don't want to argue... .

If you are trying to rekindle or explore a reunion, I think I would go with a more positive line of questions. Why do you do inconsistent thing s like A and B and what dos it all mean is a conversation that will be dead at the starting gate - he is already backing away.

I would too.

Obviously there are wounds and shame and loss of all sides.

Take a healing approach.  Why not just get together for dinner and a movie? Then maybe next week, go to______.  Once you feel a little safe, then bring up the couples counseling.  Let a professional guide you out of this stalemate so that the two of you can look at each other with fresher eyes and decide if anything is left.